Cancer is everywhere!

Cancer is Everywhere!!!

It's not that I never realized that Cancer is everywhere, but yesterday it really hit me that Cancer is all around us. Different people with different stories and different cancer but they all have the same thing in common, CANCER!

It's not like a cold . You can't feel the symptoms coming on. It's something they can be there for years and you don't even realize it. Sometimes you don't start getting the symptoms until its to late. It can be a lump that you can feel or it can be hidden in your body where only a scan can see it. It's something that no one is ever prepared for. 

Cancer can take the hope right out of your life. But it can also give you hope if you let it. It no longer has to be a death sentence. It no longer has to take over your life. It can make you weak but it can make you stronger then you ever thought you were. 

Cancer is unfair.

Cancer is becoming to common if you ask me. It doesn't get any easier to hear that a loved one has cancer but I think people are hearing it much too often.  

The fight never gets easier but the fight must continue. Age, stage, type, doesn't matter as long as you have the fight in you. The fight will cure anything. 

I do not know a person who has not been affected by cancer in some way and I truly believe that that can change is we all fight together!!!

And it begins!!

The holiday season is officially upon us! 

The hustle and bustle begins!

As our family started to put up our holiday decorations, I wondered where the year went. Wasn't I just putting Christmas away and not we are putting it up again. 

It has been an eventful year to say the least. But it has been an amazing year as well. 

Our family gathered around the table for Thanksgiving and as we sat and ate out feast, I couldn't help but feel my heart smile. And not just because I didn't ruin the turkey=). But because I don' know if I have ever been more thankful for my family then I am this year. Every year I am thankful but life events just make you really appreciate what you have and that you should never take it for granted.

Some loved ones were not able to join us this year. I think the Holidays always make you think who is with us and who is no longer with us. And as you smile and love the family that is around you, you can't help but feel that sadness in your heart for those not sitting at the table with you. 

There is so much to be thankful for. The list could go on and on. I think this year I am trying to not take that for granted. Life can change in an instant. One minute you can be laughing and the next you can be crying. And not crying because you are laughing to hard.  

Sometimes something happens that changes your life forever. Some just for a short time but they still alter your life in some way. My life has been full of life changing instances . Each one different but in some way the same. They all put me on the path that I guess I am supposed to be on. It's like the saying " everything happens for a reason". I do believe that everything in my life has happened for reason. And I am learning to be thankful for my struggles. The struggles that make us the people we are. 

There have been many changes in our lives this year. Maybe this year is no different then other years. Maybe every year has many changes but I guess I am just seeing all of them this year. Or I am facing them head on instead of running from them. Changes that I know make me an even stronger person then I thought I was. 

As this Holiday Season begins and the craziness continues, I hope that I can keep the perspective of what the holidays are really about. I also hope to just be able to keep my head on my body=)

I want to sit by the fire with my kids. Bake cookies. Play games. Laugh. Cry from laughing to hard. I want to spend time with family and friends. I want to not get so stressed about having everything done that I running around like a crazy women. 

I hope that everyone can take the time and really look at what is really important. Because you want to be able to celebrate that before its too late. 

Wishing everyone a happy and healthy Holiday Season!!!

I'm Gonna Love You Through it

Sometimes a song or a show that I am watching will make me cry. Not that it takes me much to cry but it's usually because it touches me in some way. It might have nothing to do with me or anything that I am going through or it might make me wonder if they wrote that particular song or show just for me.  It's like looking at your life from the outside.

I have been through many things in my life and the one thing that is always constant is my family.

My family has had to endure many things because of me. There were times when I tried as hard as I could to push them away but somehow they stuck with me.

Besides just being the typical pain in the ass teenager, life decided to throw Cancer into the mix as well. I don't think I ever fully appreciated what my parents did for me until I became a parent myself. I think I felt some of what they felt when Hailey broke her leg and went into surgery but I am sure it did not compare to a child with Cancer.

My parents divorced when I was little and my mom moved up north and my dad stayed south. My sister and I lived with my mom and saw my dad as much as we could. I am blessed to have two moms. My dad remarried and a few years in they had my brother. I am not big on the word "step" or "half" when it comes to brothers or parents. Family is family . Blood or no blood they helped mold me into the person I am today.

Since I lived with my mom, my mom obviously got the brunt of me. But I can only imagine what it was like for my family down south.

My dad once said to me in one of my bad teenager moments that " friends may come and go but family is always there".  I don't know if I understood or listened back then but I understand it now.

You have the family that raises you into the person you are today. Our family has great laughs at my teenage years but those teenage years are the years that make me a better person today. And makes me have the advantage of my kids never getting away with anything!

Family just continues to grow. Now I have a family of my own and with that comes my husbands family. Who without them, we would not be where we are today!

I now have my own family and I put them before anything else. We grow together. We walk together. We fight together.

Then there are the friends that are family. Friends who walk with you every step of the way and they can be nothing else but family. They hold your hand and dry your tears. They make you laugh and they make you cry. They are the friends that your family welcomes in as their own.

When a bump comes in the road, its your family and friends that help you through it. You can't do it alone. I have tried and its impossible. I am lucky to have that all over. Whether it be right in my house or a phone call away, I know that my family and friends will get me through it. They haven't given up on me yet and I hope they will continue to hold my hand.

I do believe that everyday is a gift. And that we do not know how many days we have. I do not believe a time frame can be giving on life. No matter what the diagnosis. I would not be here today if it were not for my incredible family and friends.

I can not listen to this song without crying. My husband heard when it first came out and it made him think of us. My husband is an incredible man who gives me strength when I honestly have nothing left.

I thank all my family and friends. I love you all dearly!!



Martina McBride I'm Gonna Love You Through It!

She dropped the phone and burst into tears
The doctor just confirmed her fears
Her husband held it in and held her tight
Cancer don’t discriminate or care if you’re just 38
With three kids who need you in their lives
He said, "I know that you’re afraid and I am, too
But you’ll never be alone, I promise you"

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

She made it through the surgery fine
They said they caught it just in time
But they had to take more than they planned
Now it's forced smiles and baggy shirts
To hide what the cancer took from her
But she just wants to feel like a woman again
She said, "I don't think I can do this anymore"
He took her in his arms and said "That's what my love is for"

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

And when this road gets too long
I'll be the rock you lean on
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.
I’m gonna love you through it.

 

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Today my Son is my Hero!

I love the moments when you look at your kids and your heart just smiles! 

Now there is nothing my kids could ever do to make me not love them. That's a given. But as with any teenager there are times when you long for the days when they couldn't talk and give you their opinion. 

Today Cameron is my Hero. 

Cameron is a special kid. Him and I are very alike. It is always very entertaining for my husband to watch Cameron and I argue back and forth. He is usually the only one smiling. 

I think we knew that Cameron was going to be a special kind of kid the second we found out I was pregnant with him. Given the fact the I was not supposed to be able to get pregnant and was on the pill. He some how found his way into this world. A pregnancy of bed rest and countless trips to the hospital Cameron Hope Dowd was born at 29 weeks. A tiny 4 lb , skin and bones baby was brought home with us and our world would never be the same. 

Even at a young ripe age of 19, I knew that life would forever be filled with love. 

We have watched him grow into a fine young man. Of course as he gets older its  a little harder to get information out of him and being a boy doesn't make it any easier. If something is bothering Hailey, we hear about it for days. But Cameron you have to pull it out of him. 

Last yr was the first year he ever had to try out for a team sport. Before then, you just signed up and everyone played and if they didn't you always had my big mouth to make sure that they did! 

He loves basketball. Plays it hard and try's with everything he has. 7th grade try-outs did not go as we all had hoped and he was cut on the final day of try-outs. He walked out of that gym with his head held high and the second we got home he asked if he could go play basketball. Now is basket case mother did not take it as well as he did. I cried like a baby. Hailey loves to do a great impression of me crying my eyes out. But it was something I honestly couldn't control. I was not mad that he didn't make it. I didn't think it was unfair. I just hurt for my child in a way I didn't know possible. You don't ever want to see your child hurt. And with Cameron, you knew he wasn't going to sit down and cry it out with me. Hes a boy who just like his father you must pull the feelings out!

Well he continued to play basketball and joined every league he could and did every camp he could over the course of the year. So that when 8th grade try-outs came around he would be ready. 

It was a very proud moment. He never gave up. He knew that there was a chance he would not make the team this year. Most of the players from last year were trying out. But he knew the second he didn't make the 7th grade team that he would try out for the 8th.  He gave every last bit of himself and by golly it paid off. He made the team!!!  And I didn't even have to sleep with the coach (which you know I of course suggested that to my husband). =)

As a parent, you try to instill values into your kids that they will take with them their entire lives. Cameron not making the 7th grade team and making the 8th grade team showed him that if he works hard enough , he can do anything. And I honestly believe that. My kids are my kids so I of course think they are special. But Cameron made me look at life differently too.  We can sit around a cry and bitch  about anything and everything or we can dry the tears and get up and do something about it!! That is a gift that is priceless to a mother.

I do not know if Cameron will ever know what this has done for me. I think at a time when I needed it the most, my son picked me back up!!

Let the games begin!!!!

Hero

For Breast Cancer Awareness month, a friend of mine is honoring a hero each day on facebook. Today I was her hero.

A hero is defined as a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has preformed a heroic act. A person of distinguished courage or ability.

I have never considered myself to be a hero. That to me is a very high honor. And I am not one to consider to put myself up on a pedestal. But today when I found out that this amazing person had chosen me as one of her hero's I was touched beyond words. To be given that name, even for a day, is an honor that I will take with me always.

I am a survivor. That I know. But I do believe that being a survivor is a job. A job I will happily take.
 I call it a job because it is my job to take what I have learned from Cancer and share it with the world. Or at least with as many people who will listen. If one person can take away something from my story then it makes every bad day worth it.

I have no choice but to fight each and everyday. What else am i supposed to do. Is one supposed to just let cancer take over and win? HELL NO! I believe that cancer gave me strength to live forever. That is a gift that cancer gave to me. Strength to never give up and to continue to fight. What I try to do is look at what good Cancer has brought into my life. It has in a way formed the person I am today and has given me things I did not know possible. Breast Cancer brought Joan into my life and made me her Hero for the day! What better gift is there.

The stories that I heard and the people I met along the way while I was battling Breast Cancer are the only reason I am still here today. The inspiration that filled my heart let my heart continue to beat each and every day. I want my story to inspire others to never give up the fight.

One thing I have learned from Cancer is that every day is a gift. And you can never go back to yesterday. You only have today and if tomorrow comes then that is a gift. A gift that I try very hard to not take advantage of. Leave each day to its fullest. Do I do that every day? NO, but I should.

Life is a journey with many twist and turns and bumps along the way. There is nothing I would take back or ask to change because each day and every scar on my body has made me the Hero that Joan sees.  That is a gift that I will hold in my heart forever.

I don't consider myself a hero because I feel as though I can always do more. I am not doing enough in the fight for Cancer. In the fight for Life. And maybe I think that because until there is no Cancer then no one is doing enough. So I hope that I can be the Hero that Joan sees and make her proud each and every day.

I thank you for making me look at me a different way today. I hope that each and everyone of you will stop and think about who is your hero and how you can become a hero yourself!

Today Cancer gave me a gift! Today I am a HERO!!

 

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.

There are so many things I love about October. I love the changing colors outside. Every day it looks like there is a new color. I love the weather turning cooler. Curling up in a comfy sweater in front of a fire. I love that even as the colors are changing and you know winter is coming there is pink everywhere.

Pink is the color of universal love.  A pink carnation means "I will never forget you". The color pink can bring hope and a calming feeling. I think that's why Breast Cancer ribbons are Pink.

I have become a lover of pink. When I got pregnant with my daughter, I remember saying that I would never put her in pink. No fluffy dresses or pink tiaras. But I am sure eating my words now. I am the one pushing her to wear pink even when she wants to wear blue!! My husband has learned to tolerate me buying him pink. My son has a shirt that says "real men wear pink"! Pink has a new meaning in all of our lives. Whether its talked about or not, when someone wears pink in this house there is a smile in our all of our hearts.

When Breast Cancer came into this house it was something that no one expected. Not that you ever expect cancer or that there is a good time for it but it really did knock us all off our feet. A little surgery and biopsy turned into such a nightmare. One call to the doctor about one thing turned into the one phone call that no one ever wants to get. I couldn't speak at first. I remember my sister standing in the kitchen as I was laying on the couch when the phone rang. I hung up and she asked how it went. I couldn't tell her at first. What is the right way to say that the doctor said it is Breast Cancer? Is there a protocol? The words just come out and you realize that your life will never be the same. Stage 1 or Stage 4, life turns upside down. A million things go through your mind and you think it could never be me. Especially Breast Cancer at 28.

You hang onto what you can and you go on with your life the best you can.

October warms my heart and breaks it at the same time. I love listening and reading the stories of survivors. Hearing their strength and courage keeps me going each day. The stories of those lost break my heart but also give me strength. Those are the stories that make you cry but give you the strength to continue the fight and to help others fight as well.

I hope that you will wear pink at little bit more this month. I hope that you will feel your boobies more and encourage others to do the same as well.. Early detection saves lives. It saved mine!!

Overprotective

Can one be too overprotective of their child?

I am not sure I am the best person to answer that question but I am going to give it a shot. 

I have obviously had a very hard time with Hailey breaking her leg. And as recovery is coming along she is able to do more and more. She still has limits but is really coming along. Almost feels like we are starting over with "first". Her first steps, her first shower by herself, her first sleepover, her first time one the bus. Everything "her first" since breaking her leg. My husband asked me the other day if we are just starting over with first. I don't see why not!!!

I have a hard time letting her do things that she and I both know she is ready for. I do know there are a few things that I will for sure not let her do (like riding her bike ) but I also know that I need to let go of the fear and begin to let  go of the leash.

My husband told me my problem is that I need to stop trying to protect her from everything. I have to stop blaming myself for her breaking her leg and that I am overprotective. I had a hard time responding to that because of course I am overprotective. I am a mom and she is my child. What mother wouldn't be overprotective. But as I have gotten to think about it over the last few days maybe one can be too overprotective. Now I am not saying he is right because I do not like to ever admit that out loud, but he might have a point.

Hailey wanted to take the bus. I have been driving her to and from school everyday since school started. She has been taking the elevator and has had someone help her everyday. So I told her that if she wanted to take the bus she would have to take the stairs. He response was "ok". She was ready. She was asking and I just kept putting it off until finally I couldn't any more. So Friday she took the bus and never looked back. I waited for the phone call from the school all day and it never came.  I waited for the bus after school and was imagining a million things that could go wrong on the bus. Even to the point of thinking that the bus tipped over because it was a few minutes late. Maybe a little extreme but that's my mind for ya! She came off that bus all smiles and I couldn't help feel relief. And also wonder what the hell took me so long.

When life has thrown me bumps along my path, I have always been able to get up and get going. I am the one who wants to get off the couch on day two after having your stomach cut in half. I am the one who will lift the 100 pound tv with my bad arm and deal with the consequences later. I am not one to hesitate to get on with  life. But its a very different story when its your child.

Am I protective? Yes. Am I overprotective? Damn right! But I do not know another way. But I do believe that I need to try and be a little less overprotective and a little more protective otherwise I will be holding my children back from life. And there is no greater fear I have then holding my children back.

So each day I will loosen the leash a little more and hopefully by the time she is 18 , I can let go!! =)

First Steps!!

When you first have a baby, you can't wait for them to start moving. Rolling over, sitting up, crawling and then finally walking. Each one another milestone.

I have forgotten what that feeling feels like. The excitement and joy that starts to fill your entire body! As your children get older , there are new milestones but you never forget the baby ones.

I got to feel that again when Hailey took her first steps again! It was like starting over all over again. The anticipation and the frustration all at the same time. She wanted it so badly and when it didn't start off right, the frustration started to start. We have been waiting for this day for 10 weeks now and its finally here. 

She has been off her leg now for 10 weeks and I think she thought it would be like riding a bike. After a long winter, you just get right back on it and start going. I think we all thought that. At least I did. 

I worry about what this will be like. I remember the days in the hospital and trying to get her to use crutches. It had seemed like such a long time ago but all those feelings came back as I watch her break down in tears saying " I have forgotten how to walk". 

I do the best I can as a mother. I  will sit right there and cry with you if that's what you need. I will get mad with you and I will fight too. I will do what I can to make it better. But even a mother can only do so much. There comes a point when I can no longer help and she must do it on her own. 

This is not something that will be fixed overnight( though I have wished that a million times)but it is something that will be fixed. And as the night went on , I saw Hailey take her first steps on her own. A joy that anyone can feel.  And whats even better is that many steps followed as well!!

I have tried many times to process this and what I have learned from Hailey breaking her leg.  Sometimes I come up short but other days I smile and know that I have raised an amazingly strong little girl!

The big question??

How do you stay so strong and positive?

That is a question that I am asked every time I run into someone who has heard my story. And It is a question I do not know how to answer. 

Today I heard a 13yr old girl who has been fighting cancer now for 6 yrs answer this question. She said that she once heard a fish tell her to "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming" ( a reference to  Finding Nemo). I had never heard it put that way but I watched this little girl say it with such strength that it was almost like common sense to her. 

I mean when you really think about it , what else is there to do but to "just keep swimming"! 

When you are hit with an illness or something that changes your life forever, you wonder how on earth you are going to survive. Not just the medical side but the emotional side as well. I have thought many times that it was my stubbornness to not let cancer take over me that got me through it. Some may substitute the word "stubbornness " with  "strength" but either one work for me.

When someone hears my story, they hear it in a nutshell. They hear about someone who has had cancer 5 times and has survived. They see strength and that I am still smiling today. What they don't hear is the fear and sadness of what cancer has taken from me. They don't hear about the days when I couldn't get out of bed or the days when even breathing hurt. And I guess that is one of the reasons that I have a hard time answering this question. I don't always see the strength or the positivity. There were to many days of negativity and weakness that come to my mind to see all the other stuff. 

Sometimes the people who fall apart in front of me are the ones who give me the strength. Does it mean that you must fall apart to be strong? NO. I just mean that it shows all sides to what is really going on. 

I want to show others that you too can be strong and positive when going through hell. But I also want others to know that there is so much more that everyone doesn't see and hear.

My bad days are the days that have given me the strength that I think is what everyone else sees. I do know that I am strong person and I do believe that I can survive anything but I also know that there will be more days to come that will test that strength.

Next time I am asked this question, I am going to say that an amazing 13yr girl told me to "just keep swimming".

Today I hate Cancer!!!

Everyone has good days and bad days! I think I have my share of bad days but I like to think that I have more good then bad. Sometimes that's harder to see. Sometimes all you see are the bad days and you forget about the ones that make you smile.

Today I hate Cancer!!!

Sometimes I can understand why I am having a bad day. I don't feel good. I didn't get enough sleep. I have to much on my plate. I feel fat. I feel too skinny.  I didn't get up in time. The kids are fighting. I am fighting with the kids. Ryan isn't home. Ryan and I are fighting. And the list could go on and on. 

But at least I understand what has put me in my bad mood.  

The days that are bad that have no reason are the ones that bother me the most. And sure if you dig deeper there is always an issue that is making you have this bad day but sometimes it takes you all day to figure it out. And you try everything to make it better but you can't seem to make it go away. Its like telling your child that mommy will kiss it and it will feel all better. You can kiss it as much as you want but we all know that that kiss doesn't fix the hurt. 

We all have triggers! Things that bring us to that dark place. At least I do!

I will be very honest and say that there are days that I feel blessed that Cancer came into my life. It might be hard for some people top understand that but I think cancer has molded the person I am. Its hard for me to imagine if I would be the same person I am today had I never heard the words "you have cancer".  Cancer brought bonds into my life that I didn't know possible. I have been able to inspire others because of my cancer. I have found strength in myself that I admired in others.

Some days I feel that I can handle it all. I can carry all the weight on my shoulders and its  almost like I have super powers.

Today I feel like I wish I never knew cancer. But I don't just wish that for myself, I wish it for everyone. What would the world be like without cancer?

I get frustrated because I am definitely the type of person who likes to do it all. No task is to big and nothing is out of reach. And I will push myself to do it all and seem to always land on my ass when I am done. I know my limits but I am to stubborn to follow them.

My husband ran a marathon a few years back. He trained for months to get himself ready. We all went into the city to show our support and cheer him on. As you sit and watch thousands of people run 26 miles you get inspired. Some run it for the winnings. Some run to raise money for a charity or organization. Some to just check it off their bucket list.
I got inspired to run a marathon. At the time I thought of Lance Armstrong. He is someone who had always inspired me because he didn't let cancer hold him back. I thought next year I will run this marathon and my husband can be as proud of me as I was of him.
I have never really been a runner and so I started slow. Start with running a minute and add one each day. I was able to run a few miles at a time and was starting to feel pretty good about myself. As I continued I started to get horrible pains in my knees and legs. So I went to the doctor and explained what I was doing. Well because of my cancer in my abdomen and the removal of my abdominal muscle , I would never be able to run far. Just something else that I could put on my list of things I am unable to do.

I think in my mind I thought that once I beat that cancer that l would never really have to think about it again. That it was gone and that life turns back to normal. Or at least the new normal.  But its a reality that every once in awhile slaps me in the face and knocks me down.

And believe me I know I am blessed beyond words. But there are days when you just have to bitch and today is that day for me!!

Tomorrow will be a new day!!!

Hair

My hair is something I do not take for granted. And maybe its something that one can not understand until they have lost theirs. Probably a lesson in life there. You don't really appreciate anything until you no longer have it. 

Recently I saw that Kelly Pickler, country music star, shaved her head because her best friend was undergoing treatment for Breast Cancer. I always thought Kelly Pickler was pretty but I truly look at her now and think she is so very beautiful. It's beauty you only get when you let everyone see your heart. I think she will never really know what that means to her best friend but it will forever change her and the world.

Cancer all by itself sucks. Then not only do you have to deal with the fact that you have cancer but you have to deal with everything that comes with it too. Hair lose, weight lose, weight gain, surgery,drugs, treatment, exhaustion, sadness, fear etc.... It comes with more baggage then one can carry on their own. 

I remember when my hair began to fall out this last time I was undergoing treatment. I tried to hide it the best I can. The chances were high that I would not lose it all so there was no need to just shave it to make the process easier. But at times I sure thought about it. It would come out in clumps and I would just try and throw them away before anyone could see. I got my hair cut short so that it would look fuller because it was becoming so thin and I wanted to cover up the bare spots. 

I remember this one time in particular when I had just gotten out of the shower and Ryan got in after me. Now I usually do a clean sweep of the shower before I leave because the shower was always the time my hair would come out in clumps. He got in and started to make a fuss about something in the shower. When I opened the shower door and said what , he quickly said "oh nothing, just a bug". I looked and could see that my hair was everywhere. We both pretended that neither one of us saw it but we both knew what was happening. I closed the door and turned in sadness. I do not know what was going through his mind but I can't help but think the same thing.

It was hard for me because Ryan has always expressed that he is a hair guy. Hes a hair and butt guy!  My hair was falling out and my ass was shrinking because I was losing so much weight that I felt anything but beautiful and was wondering if he thought it too. He always did such an amazing job of making me feel as though nothing had changed. But we both knew it did. The hair got thinner and the clothes got loser and for the first time in a long time I looked sick. Its one thing to feel sick but to look it too is so much worse. 

So now my hair is long again and the clothes fit a little tighter now but I can remember those day like it was yesterday. I can remember wondering if everyone was looking at me and what they thought. 

The support that you surround yourself with is the thing that gets you through it. Sure surgery and drugs help, but without the love and support it doesn't matter what drugs they give you or how many times you get cut open. 

I believe that you learn what is truly important when Cancer comes into your life or your loved ones life. You realize that the hair will grow back but the time I have with this loved one may not be there forever.

My view on love and friendship has been restored and I am inspired to be there for someone who too may need more then just a hand to hold!! 

To many stories!!!

Everyone has their own story to tell. Every story different and unique. Some are happy and some are sad. Some make you think more then others. Some make you laugh and some make you cry. I never get tired of hearing someone tell me their story.

But today I am tired of hearing the story!!!!

It's the story that no one should ever have to tell.

It's the story that breaks your heart!

It's the story that you will never forget.

It's the story of someone losing their child to cancer.

We had house guest staying with us this past week from Africa. Ryan does a lot of work and traveling over there and when he goes there  he stays with them. So it was nice to be able to host them in our house since they take such good care of Ryan when he is over there.

Ryan came home last night after a long day of working with them and told me that one of them had lost their child to cancer just a month ago. I was shocked. My heart just went out to him and his family.
I watched him over the past few days create a bond with Hailey that I believe will stay with her forever. He had such a way with here that she just smiled every time he was around. Referring to him as the " Fun Kid one". It was precious to see. So as he said goodbye to me today, he shared with me that he lost his child a month ago to leukemia. He expressed to me that it was such a joy to be able to play with Hailey and you could see a smile on his face that was not there before. He said he gets depressed and can't sleep because of it. He said he enjoyed Hailey so very much and I was so very touched. I know Hailey will be too.

It's the story that breaks your heart in a away that you did not know possible. You wonder what to say or how to respond. You wonder how he even breathes everyday.  It's the one story you want to change if you could.

I feel blessed to have been able to share our family with him and hopefully fill his heart with some joy. Hailey is a special little girl who manages to fill every ones'  hearts with joy.

I think everyone can say they know of someone who has lost someone to cancer. I truly wish that that was not a true statement.

My heart breaks for Cancer and what it does to people everywhere around this world!!!

Obstacles!!!

Everyone has their own obstacles. 

I have had my share of obstacles and feel that they have shaped who I am today!!

I have had no harder obstacle in my life then the past 4 weeks! I have also never been as proud as I have in the last 4 weeks!

When something happens to your child, you will do anything and everything to make it better. You will move mountains if you have to. 

I have learned that I have raised a daughter like her mother!! She is strong and stubborn all in one. She will give her all and she will fall apart. I believe that she is much stronger then I could ever be.

I do not know if I have done everything right over the past 4 weeks! I realized that watching Hailey go through this obstacle has broken me in a way I never thought possible. Maybe its watching your child suffer. I feel that I have a small idea of what my parents went through when I was sick at 15. Except this was only a broken leg. 

I keep telling myself "this is only a broken leg" .. But I can't seem to move on. I try and I feel like I fall right back down. I feel like I have done the best that I can and have given it my all. I hope that Hailey sees it someday. 

It's something that makes your world stop spinning but not the world around you. And that can be hard to sit back and watch. 

Hailey has come so very far. Her smile is back and she is itching to get out and do more. She is healing the way she is supposed to. It will be a little longer recovery then we had thought but at least its healing! 4 more weeks of staying off the leg. Only 4 more.. Seems like a lifetime!!

Its crazy to think how something like a broken leg can shake up your life. Your family! Your marriage!! 

I believe that things do happen for a reason and I do believe that something amazing will come out of this. I treasure the time I have had with Hailey these past weeks. I hate that it has taken me away from my son and my husband but I believe that the moments Hailey and I had will make up for those lost by others. 

The kids start school tomorrow and I am TERRIFIED!!! I will have to let go and trust that everything I have done the last 4 weeks will give strength to Hailey. I will have to trust that Cameron knows I am always here even if I am occupied with something else. 

I hope that the obstacles I face today will make me stronger and more equipped to face the obstacles yet still to come!!!

A Good Day!!!

Life has pretty much been on hold since Hailey broke her leg. Trying to make this as easy as we can for her! But eventually life catches up with you..

After 3 weeks of cancelling doctors appointments and a very nice lecture from my doctor about taking my own life serious, I went to the doctor Tuesday morning. I was supposed to go the week Hailey broke her leg but I of course cancelled that =)

As I was getting ready to go in the morning, I became nervous of how this appointment would go. Its been 3 weeks since I was supposed to be there. I was just getting Hailey up and around more. And I was thinking that as soon as Hailey is better I am going to be the one down.

So away I went with a nice Starbucks in my hand....

I had no idea how the next hour would change my life. At least the next few months.
I went into the room with a my pretend smile on my face as the nurse asked me the same hundred questions they always do. She tells me to get undressed from the waste up and I put the very ugly gown over me. Can't we come up with some fun gowns. At least pretty ones. I know when Hailey was in the hospital I thought the same thing. Someone must do something about this. Anyways!!!!

The doctor comes in and we do a little chit chat and away we go for the exam. We are discussing when we should schedule surgery and what it will entail. She says we should ultrasound the breast to see one more time what we are dealing with. Now the last time we did this the ultrasound found masses and polyps in my milk ducts. A not simple surgery to remove them was our plan. But as she started the ultrasound, there was nothing to be seen. We looked and looked , she pressed harder , we tried to find any little spec that would maybe be something we saw earlier. NOTHING!!! That's right not a damn thing in that boob except some dilated milk ducts. She even said that if I had all my parts that that just shows my boobs are ready to breast feed. But not uterus probably means no breast feeding. !!

We cried together as I kept asking when surgery would be then and she kept telling me there is no surgery. She hugged me and sent me on my way and said I will see you in 3 months just to make sure everything is still going good.  So I bounced out of there with a real smile on my face and told everyone to have a great day!!

When something like this happens, it makes me realize that life is such a gift. And that maybe things do really happen for a reason. Did Hailey breaking her leg help me from not having to endure something I don't know if I could have handled. I would have had surgery this week but instead I had to push it off to take care of Hailey. I like to think that there was a reason for the broken leg. But I could be reaching.
Was it just a miracle. I think they happen but to me I don't know.
Was it prayers answered?? I would love to think that too.. My relationship with God is very complicated but I know I had many praying and feel in my heart that everyone had something to do with this amazing gift.

Does this mean I am completely out of the woods? of course not!! But its a start. Its been a very bumpy road but I feel like I see a light at the end of the tunnel now.

I feel like I have a reason to get back up and not get knocked down again!!!

Thank you for the prayers and support. I could not have done it without them!!

Here's to a GOOD DAY!!!

Baby Steps

I have at times told others that sometimes you have to take baby steps instead of one huge leap in order to reach your goal.

Now I am the one needing to take baby steps!

I remember when my kids were babies and ever milestone was huge. Lifting their head, rolling over, sitting, crawling and then walking. Each time it was a reason to celebrate. Tears of joy as you watch this little baby become a real person. I feel like I am watching it all over again.

Hailey is making great progress! But its baby steps. Its a good day and then its a bad day. I watch her succeed with the biggest smile on her face and I watch the tears flow as she struggles. I feel like its much harder when they are older because they can actually tell you what they are thinking and feeling.

She wants to rush it. I want to rush it. We want to be done with the broken leg!!  When someone comes over and ask her how she is , she says "broken". Makes me smile at times and makes me cry at times. She just says it as it is.
As I watch her though, i become more and more proud of who she is. She is an amazing child and I really do hope that I had something to do with it!

I too am struggling with the the baby steps. I don't want her to do too much but then I think she is not doing enough. Everyday I wish it was me and not her.

Its a lonely journey. I think for Hailey too. I know it does not have to be but it is. Its like being home with your newborn baby for the first time and you are overwhelmed by this tiny little human being. You can only do so much . You can only allow yourself to do so much. I struggle everyday with knowing what I am capable of doing and what I am not. I will push myself until I have nothing left and then some and then wonder why I have nothing.

I think its hard because its just a broken leg. I tell myself some days to just snap out of this because its just a broken leg. But I hurt for this amazing child who I have grown to love even more then I ever thought possible.

But someday we will sit back and laugh about this!! Right?

Balance!!

Life is a Balancing act!! You have to balance everything on your plate. Sometimes on thing gets more of your attention then others but you still have to balance it all.

I feel like I am learning this the hard way.

I guess we all try to balance everything in our lives. We want to be there for everything and want to be able to do it all. At least I know I do. I like to to do it all. I like to be able to do it all.
When Hailey was in the hospital this last week, I found myself unable to leave. I wanted to be able to be there for everything that she needed. I rushed every time I had to even go to the bathroom. I found myself not eating and trying to find the energy to be able to do it all.  At the same time I was still attempting to be a mom to Cameron. I will say I did that very poorly but I tried in every way to have him know that I was still there and if he needed anything I would make sure he had. I was blessed to be able to have a ton of help but I am not good at asking for help. I like to do it all and I am finding that I can't.

Now that we are home and Hailey is in need of around the clock care, I am finding it hard to balance it all. I a trying to be the best mom I can to her because I know she is struggling. I am trying to let Cameron know that even though his sister needs a lot of care right now that I am still there for him. I am trying to show my husband that I love him and still have energy for him. I am trying to make sure that I don't lose myself along the way. I am trying to still keep up on the house and must find a way to be able to still do all my running and still be here. I am trying to still be a friend to everyone that is blessing us. I want to have something for everyone. But its only Saturday, not even a week in and I am finding myself empty and I am trying to find a way to balance it all.

I know everyday will get better, at least I tell myself that, but right now it feels like a lifetime. Now i do know it could be worse. Believe me I know that because I thought it for days but I guess I never realized it would be this hard. I feel like I have worked very hard at trying to balance our lives and that is getting shaken up here a bit.

Can't I just take the pain away from Hailey and carry it all? If life we only that easy!!!

I feel blessed that my daughter is home. My son will be turning 13 tomorrow. My husband is here. We are surrounded by people that love us.

 I know we are not alone. I just don't want to feel like I am .....

Broken Leg

I have never broken a bone in my body but on Sunday I would have given anything in the world to have a broken leg if it meant that Hailey would not..

Hailey broke her Femur on Sunday. If you didn't know the Femur is the strongest bone in the body. It is a bone that is very hard to break. But my little Hailey managed to break that bone right down the middle. She is all of 57 pounds and just the tiny est thing but her strength and bravery is stronger then any broken leg.

It was Dowd Beach day. We created our own little oasis in the backyard. The kids were jumping on the trampoline and Ryan and I were sitting in our lounge chairs. One minute we were all smiling and the next minute the screaming couldn't stop. Hailey was jumping and must have landed on her leg wrong because the screaming was like something out of a horror movie. We managed to get her into a lounge chair and transported her to the ER like that. Every bump was more and more painful. We did not think she broke it. Maybe pulled a muscle or tore something but we did not expect what we saw and hour later.

The ER tried there best to get her comfortable but there is nothing one can give for fear. Her fear. Our fear. You watch and you just want to take it away. You want to take the pain, the fear , everything away and just go back to how it was an hour earlier.

Within a few hours we were being told she would need a cast and possible surgery. Your heart just breaks and you try and think how in the hell am I going to prepare my 8yr old for surgery. I know how I feel before surgery so I can only imagine what was going through her head.
We get admitted into the hospital and we are told surgery will be in the morning. The nurses are keeping her as comfortable as they can with drugs and trying everything to get her to sleep. Ryan and I are in recliner chairs watching over her and holding her hand as much as we can.

I will admit that I do not recommend googling "broken Femur" at midnight when your daughter is going in for surgery the next day. But I of course could not help it and wanted every ounce of information I could get. I should not have done that... That's all I will say about that =)

We anxiously are awaiting when she will go into surgery. She can not have anything to eat or drink. So after awhile she is starting to get thirsty and hungry. Add that on top of pain from her leg and you have one very unhappy little girl.

The surgeon ends up not coming in til after noon and tells us she will go at 2. Well 2 quickly passes and so does 3 and 4. Finally at 5 she is taken down for surgery. Now I never imagined my child being wheeled down to surgery before. She is scared and I am trying to comfort her but I am so terrified myself that I am not sure how much I helped her. But I hold it together for as long as I can. We only get to go so far. She is begging for me to be in the operating room but there is nothing I can do. I felt helpless and so out of control. The nurses were amazing and they wheeled her off as we were ushered in the opposite direction. We finally get to the waiting area and this mama just lost it. Every emotion caught up with me and the tears could not be stopped. I was terrified. What if something goes wrong? What if there is more damage then they think? What if she doesn't make it? Its a broken leg but of course every TV show I have ever watched was being played in my head and my mind was thinking that people die from broken legs all the time.

3 hour surgery!!! That's right... 3 hours of complete HELL!!!  A few nurses came out during the surgery to let me know that things were going good which helped give me a few seconds of not being scared to death. I don't ever want to be on this side ever again. I mean I would like to not be on either side but this side is so much worse. I finally really know what my family has gone through with me.

The doc finally comes out and she is ok. They put a metal plate in her with 8 screws. She is not even big enough to have 8 screws. Where did they put them?  Surgery went good and the recovery starts.

I can not get to her soon enough.. We are able to be in recovery with her and I have never been so happy to see her before. She looks pale but she is breathing and crying and that is music to my ears.
She just wants something to drink but they have to take it slow so she doesn't get sick. She does not want to wait but finally drifts back to sleep. She is transported back to her room and she begins to wake up.
She has two Popsicles and a cake pop because that is what she was promised and she did not forget. For a second Hailey is back. It might be drugged Hailey but she is there.

First night is anything but fun but we get through and the hard part begins.

To watch your child struggle and not be able to do anything is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like a horrible mother who can do nothing right . But I am also a proud mother. Hailey is truly the most amazing child. Her strength and bravery is something that words can not explain. She is determined.. She is very stubborn.. She is sweet... She is strong...

My goal now is to keep the dark cloud away from her head now. She is such a happy little girl so to see her down like this is very sad. 
But she will recover and it will be hard but its already Friday so we have made it almost 5 days....

For better, for worse, in sickness and in health.....

I asked Ryan last night if he regretted being married to me because I am such a mess. His response was " when I said for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, I meant it ". Sweet I know. He said he knew what he was getting himself into...

Ryan and I have been married for 11 yrs now. We got married very young. I was 21 and he was 23. When I got pregnant with Cameron(our miracle oops), many people in our family wanted us to get married. If your having a baby, you should get married. Right? Wrong!! Ryan and I did not want to get married just because we were having a baby together. We wanted to get married because we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We loved each other very much and had been through Cancer together already but we still wanted to know for sure before we got married.

So on July 1st 2000, the anniversary of our first date, Ryan proposed to me and I of course said yes. My grandmothers words were "its about time". But we knew we were doing it for us and not just because we had a child together.
On May26th, 2001 Ryan and I became husband and wife surrounded by our almost 2 year son and 200 of our family and friends. A day that I of course had been waiting for my entire life.
Marriage is anything but easy. I don't think I went into thinking it was going to be easy but I know I didn't go into knowing that it would be as hard as it is. Its all completely worth it and I would marry Ryan over and over again, but its a lot of work.

We were young, so obviously we have grown and matured together. I will say that I do think the longer we are married the easier it is. Maybe its because we have been married over a decade and that we sometimes don't even need to talk in order to know what the other is thinking. We know each other inside and out. But I also think I learn more and more about Ryan the longer we are together. I think the love grows deeper and stronger every year even though I don't think you could love someone more.

And are marriage has been anything but easy.  We had 2 kids young. We got married while Ryan was in Law School. We lived with Ryan's family for 5 years. I was on bed rest for both pregnancies. Ryan went to Africa while I was pregnant with Cameron. I got Cancer again and again. Ryan  turned down a big law firm job to be executive director of a homeless shelter. We bought our first house. We lost a child. We bought our second house. My mom moved in. Grandmas pasted away. Money was tight. Time together was scarce. ... And so on...

But each one of those things have made us a better couple. A stronger couple. I look at him and I still get butterflies in my stomach. I know he is my best friend and that I can just be me. The good and the bad. The pretty and the ugly.

I always tell him when we are fighting that he should be worried when I stop complaining that he is never home. If I don't want him here, that's scary to me. Because I want him here always.

When my head hurts, I want him to hold my hand.
When my insides are being torn out of me, I want to see him first when i wake up.
When my heart is breaking, he is my only comfort.

I realize that he probably didn't realize that it would be like this. But I don't know if we would be the couple we are without all of the shit!!

I hope he will always looks at me as beautiful even without all my body parts.

I want to be the 90 yr old couple walking on the beach together, holding each others hands and being more in love then ever before.

I know it will be work and I know it will be tiring but I fight each and every day because I want to grow old with him.

Not the head too!!!

I never really knew what a migraine was until this last fall.

One day I woke up with my head feeling like it would explode. Light hurting my eyes like never before. One eye not even able to open. Feeling more nauseous then when I was pregnant. No headache could ever feel like this. At first you really do feel like something is seriously wrong.

I take drugs to get through the pain and when  the drugs are not working I go into urgent care and get a shot of even more pain medicine. Eventually the migraine starts to go away and I am just in a stoned state of mind. Which is not always a bad thing =)

After a few months of getting migraines pretty consistently , I see a neurologist. Of course the neurologist runs test to see if everything is ok in my brain. An MRI of the brain.. Not a fun test ..

If you have never had an MRI of the brain it is not something I would recommend. I have been through many, many, many test and scans in my lifetime and didn't think this would be a big deal. But I was wrong. I would not say I am claustrophobic but this sure makes you. They have me lay down on a table and give me ear plugs because the test is very loud. You would think that this is not the best test for someone suffering from migraines. But I am just the patient..
So I lay down with my ear plugs and they strap me into a football helmet like thing and make me lie very still. The very nice nurse gives me a ball to squeeze if I need anything during the test. I of course think that I wont be needing that but I will hang on to it if it will make her feel better. They then push a button and into the tunnel I go. Now having my head in this contraption and not being able to move makes me a little uneasy. I take a deep breath and just try and take it one minute at a time. After the buzzing starts and the test is underway I think that this is not to bad. After about 10 minutes I am done and begin to panic. I squeeze my ball and the nurse comes right in and pulls me out. I feel like a little kid freaking out and wants to just be done. I explain how very sorry I am and the nurse is just so nice that it does make me feel better. I feel like I have failed. And I feel like a chicken shit to say the least. I get talked off my ledge and back in I go.. This time I last a good 20 mins before they have to pull me out again. I wish i could tell them that I squeezed it on accident but I can't. The baby in me is back and at this point I just want to be held. The nurse explains that its almost over and that they will inject me with some stuff and then it should be done. So back in I go and I finish the test. I feel like such a little baby as I leave and hope that I never have to see them again.

I think that this test is going to be useless and that I have just tortured myself for no reason.

But of course they find something in my brain but it is of course not the cause of my migraines.

Migraines are still a mystery. My mom gets them but hers circle around her menstrual cycle. Since I don't have a uterus or my ovaries, that can't be the cause of mine.

I get put on medication and feel stoned for months. I finally have enough of that and get off all my meds and feel like a new person. No more migraines for a good two months. Maybe it was God giving me a break from the migraines because I would have to deal with all the other shit that was coming my way again.

So the migraines are back again and my plate seems to be overflowing. I have had more scans because now my pituitary gland seems to have decided to cause me problems too..The hits just keep on coming.

My body has been cut in more places then I would like. Now my brain wants to have issues too. I have a cyst in the back of my brain that is being watched because it is in a place of the brain that no neurosurgeon likes to go. But I guess my body wouldn't do anything easy. I don't ever seem to take the nice paved road but instead take the gravel road with bumps and potholes..

But I guess that makes me stronger right?? At least I try and tell myself that. But its hard when the migraines hit me and make me unable to function in anyway.

My kids even know when i have one because it is all to common in this house. The blinds shut. Moms head in a pillow . Mom not able to do anything at all. To me all that is worse then the actually pain of the migraine. I hate to have my children see me like that. I can hide a lot of what goes on with me from my kids and even most people but when i can't its very hard for me. I am the strong one. I am supposed to be the one doing it all.

Its a struggle everyday for me to try and let myself off the hook. Off the hook for the cards that have been dealt to me.

But someday I will look back at this time and hopefully see what made me such a strong person. Right????

Road Trip

I have not been very good with keeping up with this blog but I am hoping that I can get back into the swing of this because I have found it very therapeutic!! Its been a busy month and summer is in full swing. And you really can't have summer without a road trip. And you can't make it an easy road trip either. You must go for the 20 hour road trip. =) We were supposed to go to Colorado for the week but since all the areas that we were planning on going are on fire, we decided to head to Florida instead. I mean the 15 hours in the car would not have been long enough so we decided to go for the 20 instead!! Now I personally love road trips. I like the entire idea of a road trip. The Starbucks coffee with your bag of snacks. The music playing. The kids watching movies and eating little snacks. Ryan likes the books on tape with his mountain dew. Sounds so blissful and fun when you think about it in your head. Anytime we have driven to Florida, we like to do the overnight driving. Ryan loads up on caffenine and we all try and sleep the best we can until Ryan can't take it anymore and then I take over. Sleeping in a car is not the most comfortable thing in the world but I know I couldn't do the driving overnight part. And the kids just pass out and don't care where they are sleeping. So we get on the road....... Ryan and I are both a little nervous because neither one of us have been feeling great lately. Ryan has been dealing with some dizziness spells and I have been dealing with well anything you can think of is what it feels like =) But we are off anyway... I start off driving so Ryan and nap a litl bit before it gets to late for me to drive. Cameron is plugged in in the back and Hailey has her car bag out and ready to play. I picked her up some of those travel activities because she loves that stuff.She can't even wait five min and she is ready to start car bingo and the license plate game. I loved the license plate game as a kid and I found myself turning into a kid again and looking for all the states. I even noticed that even when she was done I would keep calling out ones that I saw. I love that feeling of just being a kid for a little bit. A few hours later and 200 miles, Ryan takes over and we try and get comfy for the night. He starts to worry about his dizziness and I am thinking how can I drive more without killing myself as well as everyone else in the car. But it ends up being great and Ryan gets in the groove. I sleep as much as I can.. I am the worlds worst sleeper already so you can imagine how well I sleep in a car.,. But we are making good time and whats important is that the kids slept through the night and that makes the trip so much more tolerable. Rather than hearing "are we there yet" five hundred times. But don't worry, once they sun is up we get to start hearing it. Nothing is worse then that last stretch... You start counting down every mile. You try and go just a little bit over the speed limit to just try and get there a little bit faster. Ok well I will be honest, I have a little bit of a heavy foot. Hailey always likes it when I drive because she knows we will get there just a little bit faster then if daddy drives=).. But I would say I am a safe driver, I like to think... We should arrive by lunch time.. At this point it feels like we have been in the car for days. We smell. We are crabby. We are stiff from being in the car. We are hungry but are tired of the car snacks now and the roadside food. Someone is thirsty. I have to pee. Where are we going to eat lunch. One kid likes this place and the other wants something else. We are already getting asked if we can go to the pool when we get there. I mean the kidss have had a full nights sleep so they are ready to go. I just want out of this freaking car!!! We arrive by lunch time and everyone is still in one piece. We unpack the car, eat our lunch and off we go to the pool. Vacation has offically started. As we walk down to the pool, Hailey is smiling and laughing. Cameron is blowing up the intertube. Ryan is carrying the pool. I stop and my eyes start to water a bit. This is what I always wanted when I thought about having a family. This vacation has made me really see how much I truly enjoy and love my family. I want to see smiles all the time. I want to be smiling as well. I want to remember this time as a family. Ryan throwing the kids in the pool. Building sand castles on the beach. Getting a great tan. Me even getting in the pool even though I hate the water but I can't resist not only because its hot but because I want to be in there with the kids. I want this trip to hopefully be a trip that we will forever remember... If you are on vacation or having vacation at home, treasure the time you have with your family. Take a deep breathe and enjoy them!! It will be worth it....

Summer Days

Summer is here in full force. Kids are out of school. The sun is shining. The grill is warm and the drinks are flowing!!

Summer is my favorite season. It's warm and you can be outside just about all day.

Summer keeps me busy. Keeps my mind off things.

Summer is about spending time with family and friends and just enjoying yourself. There is just something about being able to be outside that just makes you feel good (even when you don't).

My doctor recently told me that surgery would be in my future but to enjoy the summer. Enjoy the time with the kids and enjoy this time to just get your body ready. Slow down... I do not really have a slow down button. I have fast forward and faster. When I stop, that's when life drowns me. I am trying to keep myself above water so that I don't drown. I am not a water person in the first place. I actually hate the water so maybe that will keep me from drowning.

How do you go on with summer when you have something constantly reminding you of something coming?

I always love the song by Zac Brown Band featuring Jimmy Buffet , Knee Deep

Wishing I was knee deep in the water somewhere
Got the blue sky breeze and it don't seem fair
Only worry in the world is the tide gonna reach my chair
Sunrise there's a fire in the sky
Never been so happy
Never felt so high
And I think I might have found me my own kind of paradise


Makes me escape from some of the things I don't want to face here..


Happy Summer to All!!!

Surprise!!!

Surprise!!! Surprises can be risky! You never really know how someone is going to react. But you take the risk because you know it will be worth it.  I have always liked being surprised.  And it's not about the surprise that is being given. Now don't get me wrong, I love the what the surprise is but its more then that. It's the thought that really gets me.  I have planned surprises for people before and I know what it takes to pull it off. I know the heart and the passion that is behind the surprise. I know the time and dedication it takes to really make it special. So when the tables get turned and I get surprised,I am overwhelmed in way that not even words can explain. The best surprises are the surprises you don't ever see coming!! My reason for this blog is that I was surprised in way that I couldn't help but share. My husband and I have been married for 11 yrs now. We usually try and do something together to celebrate. Last year was a big year for us because it was our 10th and we renewed our vows in front of family and friends. We topped it off with a week long trip to Mexico. It truly was an unforgettable anniversary. So going into this year I was not expecting anything to big. We discussed many different things but life has been pretty hectic for us lately so I was just hoping for a nice dinner. Well much to my surprise , Ryan had something else up his sleeve.  I had not been feeling great this past week and Ryan had been working a lot. We had not really discussed anything about the weekend and things were not looking good on the childcare side, so i was not really in the mood to talk about the weekend. Ryan let me know that he was taking tomorrow off. The wonderful person that I am of course asked "why"? And then asked "really why" when he tried to just tell me because he felt like it.  So i tried brushing that off and said that we can discuss that later and tried to continue what I was doing. He had to pretty much shove a piece of paper in my face to get me to listen to what he was saying.  2 tickets to Florida for the weekend. SHOCK!! and more SHOCK!! I couldn't even understand what was going on. He booked us a weekend trip and we were leaving in 6 hrs.  As I stood there trying not to freak out to much, I couldn't help but feel loved.A love that only Ryan can give me.  Now little Hailey helped me come off that cloud when she became upset that we were not taking her with us and that I would not be home.  At one moment my heart is bursting with love and at the same time is aching for this little girl who just wants to be with me. She pulled out all the good stuff too. Her little tears flowing from her eyes made my heart break. She even said that I am never home after school anymore because I am always at the doctor . Just put a knife in my heart and put me out of my misery. My heart ached but I told her I loved her and that with a trip comes a souvenir. But she did not care at that point.  At that point I wanted to try and explain to her that  I wanted to stay with her but that I needed to be with daddy too. I wanted to tell her that I will be such a better mom if I can just have this time. But I just let her have her moment and then went and packed for the trip I was leaving for in a few hours. Now I love surprises but I am also a planner.  I like to be able to stare at my closet for days and change my mind a hundred times. I caught myself getting overwhelmed. Sometimes Ryan knows exactly what I need. It doesn't always mean time away but he knows when we need that time. We have been married 11 yrs and we grow more love because of the challenges we go through. It is not always sunshine and rainbows but it is always eventually. We work hard for this marriage and know that there will be more surprises to come. I feel like Ryan has given me a gift that will stay in my heart forever. For this weekend I will treasure the surprises...

Time Out!!!

I am putting myself in Time Out!!! I am forcing myself to stop!!! I am taking time for myself!!! I am saying "No More"!!! .....at least for a few days.... I think that Time Outs can benefit all of us. I used to think that time outs were only for when you were in trouble. I would yell at my kids and put them in a Time Out so that they could sit and think about what they just did. But I don't think they have to just be for kids and I don't think they always have to be bad a thing. What is so bad about taking a Time Out? I recently told my doctor that I would be taking a Time Out. A break from the constant worry. Time to just be me without having to go and get every part of my body pocked. Now I always have everything in the back of my head and the worry will never go away, but maybe a Time Out is all I need to get back up again. I think you have to force yourself to take the time. It's not always easy but I do think its necessary. You can only be a better person by taking that time. Otherwise you end up hurting yourself and the people around you more. I am no good to anyone when I am down. I have to know when I am at the end of my road and need to stop and start again. I don't stop much and when i do it usually is not a good thing. But I must learn to stop and smell the roses. I know that is such a cheesy saying but its so true. We are so busy trying to get everything done and be in a hundred different places that we forget what is important to us. I don't want to rush through life just trying to get things done. Instead I want to enjoy what I am doing. If I can enjoy the hundreds of things I need to do then they wouldn't be so bad. I think you need to know why you are doing the things you are doing. You go to the grocery store so that your family has food to eat. You do laundry everyday so that your child has her favorite shirt cleaned. You get the oil changed in the car so that it continues to run. You go to the doctor a dozen times in a week so that they know the right path to choice to make you better. You tell your kids you love them because you can never tell them enough. Sometimes when I can sit and see why I am doing this, I understand. I understand the purpose behind it and I want to get back in the ring. A time out can be a few minutes, a few hours or even a few days. The amount of time is up to you. You need to know how much time you need to sit and think about what you are doing. TIME OUT til Monday for me!!!!!

I'm worth it!!!

I have to remember that I am worth it!!

I was walking with a friend this morning and she said that " we are worth it" and it really struck something in my body.

I have forgotten that I am worth it. I have forgotten that my kids are worth it. I have forgotten that my husband is worth it. I have forgotten that my family and friends are all worth it.

"live each day as if it were your last because tomorrow may never come"

Its hard to live each day as if it were your last. I believe I have many many more days in this world. But I also take that for granted. I allow myself to say"tomorrow" one to many times. Sometimes tomorrow is all you have and there is nothing you can do about that but I sometimes forget about today.

I am scared everyday. I am frustrated. I am tired. My body is sore.

But I need to believe that it is all worth it. Life has not failed me yet. At times I feel like it has but when I finally get my head off the ground, I realize that it was worth all the pain and misery.

I would say that I have been in quite the funk this past week. I feel like I have tried all the things that normally work. Walking. Talking. Crying. Yelling. Cleaning. Rearranging. Drinking. Even Sex. And nothing has seemed to snap me out of it. I am not one to stay down for long but this time has been particular hard on me and I am sure hard on the people around me. I have become a pin cushion again and I can only smile for so long.

But I want to smile =)

People who know me know my real smile and my pretend one. I am one of the worst liars in the world. What you see is what you get.

Everything I have done in life has been worth it and I wouldn't change any of it for anything in the world. It has had its obstacles along the way but the hard work has always been worth it.

I fight hard for the things that are important to me. Might husband would probably not argue with the fact that I fight hard for what I want. I have been able to stay home since my son was born almost 13yrs ago. We had to give up a lot and work very hard at making that happen, but nothing is worth it more.

I have to fight hard everyday to realize that I am worth being here. I am worth the time and effort that goes into me being the person I know I am.

I want to show my kids that I am worth it and so are they.

Yesterday is history.

Tomorrow is mystery.

Today is a gift.  

Scars

“Scars show us where we have been, they do not dictate where we are going.” 

Scars are an everyday reminder of what life has brought to me. Some of my scars have brought me more joy then I could ever imagine and some have brought me more pain then I thought possible.

Most of us have at least one scar. Some don't compare to others, but we all have them. If you don't have a physical scar, then you have an emotional scar.

I pretty much have a tic tak toe board on my stomach. I have scars that cross from one side to the other. Scars they have reopened a handful of times. I have scars that are so small that I only know they are there. But each one of my scars represents my journey through this life.

I used to want to cover up my scars. Maybe put a huge tattoo over my stomach that way no one would know they were there. Maybe I wouldn't even realize that they were there. Covering them up would be like erasing them from my memory. But I realize that my scars give me strength. They give me courage. They give me hope that I can get through anything.

I have scars that have saved my life and scars that have brought me life. Each one tells a story. A story that is unique. No one scar is like another. But yet they are all connected.

I used to think that I could not feel beautiful or sexy with all my scars. I used to think that no man would find me beautiful or sexy if he saw the scars that covered my body. But my scars are what make me beautiful. I do not let them define who I am but they do surround my character. I do not think I would be the person I am today without each and every scar.

I have scars that I don't want anyone to see because I have not healed from them yet.The scar I have on my breast is still very raw where as the scars on my stomach , I feel as though I have healed as much as I can from them for the time being.

I know there will be plenty of new scars to come. I wish there weren't but I know that each new one will come with a new strength and a new hope.

Mother's Day!!

If I am going to be 100% honest then I must admit that I hate Mother's Day! I know that that is horrible thing to say, but its the truth. I like the idea of it but it never really turns out all that great.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my mother and my mother figures in my life. I enjoy being able to show them that they are appreciated and loved.

I also love my children and know that my children love me. BUT Mother's day comes with to many expectations. Maybe that's my own fault. Maybe I have this picture in my head of what its supposed to look like. If I just let down my expectations, maybe it would be a better day.

Previous Mother's Day make it hard for me to think that this one will be any better. There was the Mother's Day that I was undergoing treatment and came home and threw up my entire dinner. There was the Mother's Day that my husband literally had to drag my kids kicking and screaming to go to the store and get me a gift. There was the Mother's Day that I went to the store with Ryan and without the kids to get my own gift.  There is always a Mother's Day with tears.

Now its not about the gift at all , its about the thought. I like the concept that there is one day to honor mothers. All Mothers. My kids sometimes ask " when is kids day?'. My reply is always "everyday is kids day"!  And that's ok with me. I enjoy devoting my entire life to my family. I love that each and every day I am hear for them when they need me. And when they don't need me. Sometimes my kids will not acknowledge me, but they still want me here. And I get that. 

I have been fortunate enough to be able to stay home since Cameron was born. I have been a stay at home mom for almost 13yrs. And I honestly would not have it any other way. I love my job(most days).

I recently saw a video about No Mother's Day. It's a movement to raise awareness about the amount of women who die during pregnancy and childbirth because they do not have the care.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0w669fZBH8
Its a video worth watching if you have time.
It truly made me think long and hard about Mother's Day. I thought this could be my out. But then I realized that I am blessed. I know to many people who have lost their mother. And I realize that life can be cut short at any moment. I want to give my mother as many mothers days as I can. I want my children to celebrate Mother's Day with me even if they are kicking and screaming.

So this Mothers day I will vow to be a Mom and daughter. And that doesn't mean my heart doesn't ache for all those women who wont see one. But it does mean that I have a different outlook on Mother's Day.

This Mother's Day comes with many emotions. But for one day I want the joy of being a mom to make all the worry and uncertainty disappear.

Happy Mother's Day to each and every women that has a role in my life.

Waiting!!!!

I hate waiting. Even whens it's not something life changing, I still hate waiting.

I am not  a fan of long lines. And to be honest, I don't care for the short ones either. I guess that means I am not a very patient person. I try to be but I am thinking that isn't going to change anytime soon.

Waiting just gives you more time to think. Thinking is not always a good thing. Waiting gives you time to research what is being said to you. Its gives you time to " Google it". And that is never a good thing. Google can scare the shit right out of you. Now I am not saying that Google has not helped before but I will confess I have diagnosed myself one to many times using Google. The doctors even tell me "don't go home and google this". But how can one wait. You want as much information as you can possibly get. You don't always think of every question when you sitting there, but that's what Google is for .

It's like waiting in line for a roller coaster. You watch it go by a hundred times. You get more and more scared as you watch it. You listen to the screams and you watch the faces of the people before you.  You know you are either going to love this ride or hate it. You still have time to turn around. But you put on the smile(sometimes) and you get in your seat and buckle up for the ride.

Wait and See..  There is a song by Brandon Heath called wait and see.

I was born in Tennessee, late July humidity,
Doctors said I was lucky to be alive
I've been troubled since the day that I got here,
Troubled to the day I disappear
That'll be the day that I finally get it right

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

I never really was that good in school;
Talked too much, broke the rules
My teachers thought I was a hopeless fool, all right.
I don't know how but I made it through,
It's one of those things you gotta do
I always had a knack for telling the truth.

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

Still wonderin' why I'm here.
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh... HE's up to something,
And the farther out I go,
I've seen enough to know
That I'm not here for nothin'...
He's up to somethin'.

So now's my time to be a man,
Follow my heart as far as I can
No tellin' where I'm ending up tonight
I never slow down (or so it seems),
But singing my heart is one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight.

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

GOD, teach me to trust You
Teach me to follow You
Teach me about You
GOD, bless us
GOD, lead us

That song gives me hope and strength. The answers are not always right there when I want them to be. But I am trying to wait and see.

So I play the waiting game. I wait for the doctors to run the test they need to in order to find the right game plan. I wait for my body to build up what it needs to face what they think might be coming. I wait for the pain from test to go away so I do not have a constant reminder of the " what if".

I stop and realize that I this is my life forever, so I will make the best out of it.

Waiting Sucks... But I will try and make the best out of it. I try and teach my children patience. But I do believe they just might have to learn that from their father.

Blessings

When life is starring you in the eyes, you can't help but look at the blessings in your life. Any hardship that I have encountered in my 32 yrs of life have always been overcome by the blessings that follow.

And we all have them. Sometimes its hard to see them when you feel like you can barely even breathe. But when I stop and take a deep breath, that's when I know no matter what, it will be OK.

I have always considered my children a blessing. Even at my worst mothering moment, I am reminded that these children that are pushing every button in my body are my miracles.  I was not supposed to be able to have kids. Doctors told me I would never be able to get pregnant and if by some small chance I did, I would never be able to carry a child. It would be my life or the child's but not both. So when I became pregnant with Cameron, shock pretty much took over. But when the shock wore off, the joy of this miracle took over. A very hard pregnancy and 18 hospital visits, brought us Cameron Hope Dowd. He may have been tiny but he was strong and stubborn just like his mom. We were young but we were determined. I remember telling Ryan "that if I ever want to do this again, tell me no". But of course you forget all of that when you see your baby and know it was all worth it. And of course you want a million more.

Hailey Mandela Dowd blessed our lives a few years later.

And when I am overwhelmed with the feeling that I am unable to have more children, I remember that I am blessed with these 2 amazing children . Who could ask for more.

As far as husbands go, Ryan is more then a blessing. Words can't really explain it. I wont get all mushy and lovey but my husband gives me more strength then I know what to do with sometimes. He came into my life not knowing what he was getting himself into. He was home from college for the summer and wanted to make some money waiting tables and kiss as many blonds as he could. Well he didn't make to much money and he only kissed one blond but I think it was worth it in the end. We ride this roller coaster together. The ups and the downs. I can not imagine what its always like in his shoes but I thank him for continuing to wear them.

I recently read this book(probably not the best time to read this particular one) about a husbands journey through his wife's Breast Cancer.His wife did not survive but this book gave me insight to what it is like for your other half. I would rather be on this side than that one. It was an amazing story of love and strength.

Family is something you learn that you can't live without. As a teenager, I didn't always see the importance of family. But as I get older and have a family of my own, I realize that I am very blessed with an amazing family. And when you get married, you double that family and have double the blessings.
My mother is someone who gave up her entire life for me. It took me a very long time to understand that but now that I do, I try to be that kind of mom to my kids. She was there for me each and every step and continues to be there when I need her. I try and protect her from the worry and fear. I feel like I have given her enough worries for one lifetime. But I do always know that she will always be there to hold my hand, whether I want her to or not, And for that I am forever blessed. I have no idea how I could ever tell or show her how much that means to me.

I find great strength in my family. And they always seem to reach out at just the right time. Whether it be a letter,email or a phone call to just let me know they are thinking and praying for me, it gives me great strength and most of all a smile on my face.

Now I have no idea where I would be without my friends. To me, Friends are just an extended part of my family. They are there when you think you don't need them. I am not one to ask for help much, but they know when I need it without asking. I wear my heart on my sleeve so if something is bothering me, you know it. I can be me. Happy or sad.. Pissed or excited... What you see is what you get. It is exhausting to have to pretend to be something you aren't. For that I am grateful. I can just come as I am..

When I look and see the all these amazing blessings, its hard to remember anything bad. They are my distractions from the unknown.

To all my blessings, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Today I find strength in all of you and know that whatever tomorrow brings, you will get me through it!!