Not the head too!!!

I never really knew what a migraine was until this last fall.

One day I woke up with my head feeling like it would explode. Light hurting my eyes like never before. One eye not even able to open. Feeling more nauseous then when I was pregnant. No headache could ever feel like this. At first you really do feel like something is seriously wrong.

I take drugs to get through the pain and when  the drugs are not working I go into urgent care and get a shot of even more pain medicine. Eventually the migraine starts to go away and I am just in a stoned state of mind. Which is not always a bad thing =)

After a few months of getting migraines pretty consistently , I see a neurologist. Of course the neurologist runs test to see if everything is ok in my brain. An MRI of the brain.. Not a fun test ..

If you have never had an MRI of the brain it is not something I would recommend. I have been through many, many, many test and scans in my lifetime and didn't think this would be a big deal. But I was wrong. I would not say I am claustrophobic but this sure makes you. They have me lay down on a table and give me ear plugs because the test is very loud. You would think that this is not the best test for someone suffering from migraines. But I am just the patient..
So I lay down with my ear plugs and they strap me into a football helmet like thing and make me lie very still. The very nice nurse gives me a ball to squeeze if I need anything during the test. I of course think that I wont be needing that but I will hang on to it if it will make her feel better. They then push a button and into the tunnel I go. Now having my head in this contraption and not being able to move makes me a little uneasy. I take a deep breath and just try and take it one minute at a time. After the buzzing starts and the test is underway I think that this is not to bad. After about 10 minutes I am done and begin to panic. I squeeze my ball and the nurse comes right in and pulls me out. I feel like a little kid freaking out and wants to just be done. I explain how very sorry I am and the nurse is just so nice that it does make me feel better. I feel like I have failed. And I feel like a chicken shit to say the least. I get talked off my ledge and back in I go.. This time I last a good 20 mins before they have to pull me out again. I wish i could tell them that I squeezed it on accident but I can't. The baby in me is back and at this point I just want to be held. The nurse explains that its almost over and that they will inject me with some stuff and then it should be done. So back in I go and I finish the test. I feel like such a little baby as I leave and hope that I never have to see them again.

I think that this test is going to be useless and that I have just tortured myself for no reason.

But of course they find something in my brain but it is of course not the cause of my migraines.

Migraines are still a mystery. My mom gets them but hers circle around her menstrual cycle. Since I don't have a uterus or my ovaries, that can't be the cause of mine.

I get put on medication and feel stoned for months. I finally have enough of that and get off all my meds and feel like a new person. No more migraines for a good two months. Maybe it was God giving me a break from the migraines because I would have to deal with all the other shit that was coming my way again.

So the migraines are back again and my plate seems to be overflowing. I have had more scans because now my pituitary gland seems to have decided to cause me problems too..The hits just keep on coming.

My body has been cut in more places then I would like. Now my brain wants to have issues too. I have a cyst in the back of my brain that is being watched because it is in a place of the brain that no neurosurgeon likes to go. But I guess my body wouldn't do anything easy. I don't ever seem to take the nice paved road but instead take the gravel road with bumps and potholes..

But I guess that makes me stronger right?? At least I try and tell myself that. But its hard when the migraines hit me and make me unable to function in anyway.

My kids even know when i have one because it is all to common in this house. The blinds shut. Moms head in a pillow . Mom not able to do anything at all. To me all that is worse then the actually pain of the migraine. I hate to have my children see me like that. I can hide a lot of what goes on with me from my kids and even most people but when i can't its very hard for me. I am the strong one. I am supposed to be the one doing it all.

Its a struggle everyday for me to try and let myself off the hook. Off the hook for the cards that have been dealt to me.

But someday I will look back at this time and hopefully see what made me such a strong person. Right????