Today I hate Cancer!!!
Sometimes I can understand why I am having a bad day. I don't feel good. I didn't get enough sleep. I have to much on my plate. I feel fat. I feel too skinny. I didn't get up in time. The kids are fighting. I am fighting with the kids. Ryan isn't home. Ryan and I are fighting. And the list could go on and on.
But at least I understand what has put me in my bad mood.
The days that are bad that have no reason are the ones that bother me the most. And sure if you dig deeper there is always an issue that is making you have this bad day but sometimes it takes you all day to figure it out. And you try everything to make it better but you can't seem to make it go away. Its like telling your child that mommy will kiss it and it will feel all better. You can kiss it as much as you want but we all know that that kiss doesn't fix the hurt.
We all have triggers! Things that bring us to that dark place. At least I do!
I will be very honest and say that there are days that I feel blessed that Cancer came into my life. It might be hard for some people top understand that but I think cancer has molded the person I am. Its hard for me to imagine if I would be the same person I am today had I never heard the words "you have cancer". Cancer brought bonds into my life that I didn't know possible. I have been able to inspire others because of my cancer. I have found strength in myself that I admired in others.
Some days I feel that I can handle it all. I can carry all the weight on my shoulders and its almost like I have super powers.
Today I feel like I wish I never knew cancer. But I don't just wish that for myself, I wish it for everyone. What would the world be like without cancer?
I get frustrated because I am definitely the type of person who likes to do it all. No task is to big and nothing is out of reach. And I will push myself to do it all and seem to always land on my ass when I am done. I know my limits but I am to stubborn to follow them.
My husband ran a marathon a few years back. He trained for months to get himself ready. We all went into the city to show our support and cheer him on. As you sit and watch thousands of people run 26 miles you get inspired. Some run it for the winnings. Some run to raise money for a charity or organization. Some to just check it off their bucket list.
I got inspired to run a marathon. At the time I thought of Lance Armstrong. He is someone who had always inspired me because he didn't let cancer hold him back. I thought next year I will run this marathon and my husband can be as proud of me as I was of him.
I have never really been a runner and so I started slow. Start with running a minute and add one each day. I was able to run a few miles at a time and was starting to feel pretty good about myself. As I continued I started to get horrible pains in my knees and legs. So I went to the doctor and explained what I was doing. Well because of my cancer in my abdomen and the removal of my abdominal muscle , I would never be able to run far. Just something else that I could put on my list of things I am unable to do.
I think in my mind I thought that once I beat that cancer that l would never really have to think about it again. That it was gone and that life turns back to normal. Or at least the new normal. But its a reality that every once in awhile slaps me in the face and knocks me down.
And believe me I know I am blessed beyond words. But there are days when you just have to bitch and today is that day for me!!
Tomorrow will be a new day!!!
Some days I feel that I can handle it all. I can carry all the weight on my shoulders and its almost like I have super powers.
Today I feel like I wish I never knew cancer. But I don't just wish that for myself, I wish it for everyone. What would the world be like without cancer?
I get frustrated because I am definitely the type of person who likes to do it all. No task is to big and nothing is out of reach. And I will push myself to do it all and seem to always land on my ass when I am done. I know my limits but I am to stubborn to follow them.
My husband ran a marathon a few years back. He trained for months to get himself ready. We all went into the city to show our support and cheer him on. As you sit and watch thousands of people run 26 miles you get inspired. Some run it for the winnings. Some run to raise money for a charity or organization. Some to just check it off their bucket list.
I got inspired to run a marathon. At the time I thought of Lance Armstrong. He is someone who had always inspired me because he didn't let cancer hold him back. I thought next year I will run this marathon and my husband can be as proud of me as I was of him.
I have never really been a runner and so I started slow. Start with running a minute and add one each day. I was able to run a few miles at a time and was starting to feel pretty good about myself. As I continued I started to get horrible pains in my knees and legs. So I went to the doctor and explained what I was doing. Well because of my cancer in my abdomen and the removal of my abdominal muscle , I would never be able to run far. Just something else that I could put on my list of things I am unable to do.
I think in my mind I thought that once I beat that cancer that l would never really have to think about it again. That it was gone and that life turns back to normal. Or at least the new normal. But its a reality that every once in awhile slaps me in the face and knocks me down.
And believe me I know I am blessed beyond words. But there are days when you just have to bitch and today is that day for me!!
Tomorrow will be a new day!!!
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