Believe.....

A friend reminded me to never stop believing!

"I Believe in pink.
  I Believe that laughing is the best calorie burner.
  I Believe in kissing, Kissing a lot.
  I Believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong.
  I Believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls.
  I Believe that tomorrow is another day..
  & I Believe in miracles."

Sometimes its hard to keep believing when everything is telling you not to. When the world is trying to knock you down or kill your dreams, you wonder what to believe in. But when I stop letting the world tell me what to believe, I remember that living is believing!

And being reminded today to keep believing has given me the strength to fight on all over again!

My daughter Hailey still believes in Santa Claus. And she doesn't just believe in Santa for the gifts(though I am sure that helps) but she believes in the magic and wonder of Santa. When you stop believing, Santa stops coming.

And that goes with everyday life too. When you don't believe that its all going to be OK, how will it ever be OK?

I believe that life doesn't give you what you can't handle. Even when it feels like you are drowning,
you always find a way to come up for air.

I believe that you should never take life for granted. You never know when life will be taken from you.

I believe that what doesn't kill you does make you stronger.

I believe that people are brought into your life at just the right time. And they forever change you.

I believe in laughing until you cry. I mean what is better then that.

I believe in Love. Real Love. Life changing love. Happily ever after love. The Notebook Movie Love.

I believe that who you are makes you more beautiful. I have more scars on my body then I can count but I think they only make me more beautiful inside and out.

I believe that my children are the best medicine.

I believe in a good martini!

I believe in true friendship! Friends that hold your hands and dry your tears. Friends that push you to be the person you are. Friends that stay with you no matter how many miles are between you!

I believe in Karma. And its a Bitch!

I believe in Family! And that they will love you no matter what!

I believe in dreams! I believe that dreams really do come true. And that you should never stop reaching for them.

I believe in Hope! Without it, I would not be here.

I believe that I have won many battles with cancer but that the war is far from over! Cancer will follow me the rest of my life BUT I do believe that I will WIN!

I believe in the good of people!

I believe that hate is not worth holding onto!

I believe that no life is not worth fighting for!

I believe in words! I believe in saying what you feel(not that I ever have a problem with that). But I believe that you can never hear "I love you" to many times!

I believe in second chances!

I believe in a good cup of coffee! How the hell does one live without it?!

I believe in giving! There is no greater feeling then giving what you have to offer to others.

I believe in smiling! EVERYDAY! Even when you don't want to! SMILE!

I BELIEVE THAT TODAY IS A GIFT!

Faith.....

Faith is defined as the belief and trust in something or someone. It usual refers to your belief in God.

I am not one to really talk about my faith and my relationship with God because it is very complicated. But today I was talking with a friend who was newly diagnosed with a Cancer again and faith and God kept coming up in the conversation.

So I thought I would try and explain my faith journey.

A few years ago I was asked to give a sermon at church and tell my story. Now the pastor knew me pretty well and knew that my relationship with God was pretty complicated.  But for whatever reason, he trusted me to get up there and tell my story. It was one of the hardest speeches I have ever had to give because it made me face head on my relationship with God.

My story has its good parts and its bad. It has the lightness and the darkness. It just happens that the dark parts of my story play a more prominent role than they do in most stories. It is like the story of Job in the bible. But I'm no Job.

At 15 you can't really grasp what cancer is. You see the doctors mouths moving but you don't hear anything. You listen as if they are talking about someone else. You hear only what you want to hear.The only time I cried was when the doctor told me he would have to remove my belly button. How was I supposed to get my belly button pierced without a bell button. But he assured me he would make me one.

A 8 hour surgery determined that the cancer was worse then they had thought and that it probably had been growing inside me for years. I don't remember having much of response to this. I don't remember being afraid. It was as if I was numb.

As the day to day treatments started, I threw myself into life. If it could be done, I did it! Life went on and I survived!

It wasn't until I was 18 that God really entered into my story. It was then when the doctors gave me a choice of either chemotherapy or surgery. Chemo may not work and would most likely destroy my bone marrow. Surgery would be more definitive but there was a good chance I would not survive.
With 24 hours to decide, I decided surgery and God became my villain. He wasn't my hero. He was the one who had caused my cancer, or at least allowed it. 

During that exact time a friend from high school sent me a forward of a story of a boy who had cancer, but through faith prayed for healing and the tumor disappeared. I thought it was the cruelest thing someone could send another person facing terminal cancer. Did I not have enough faith? Was I judged and found lacking? Or, like most email forwards I get, was it a fraud, and God along with it. I sent a not so nice reply back to the sender.

And if I wasn't being tested enough in my faith, my mom insisted that I get blessed by our priest before surgery. I went to the Catholic Church as a courtesy to her and nothing else. I was given the opportunity to confess my sins and given a blessing that sounded a lot like the last rites. It was like being escorted to the grave by a stranger. I told God that I would confess my sins if he confessed his first. With no reply, I kept my sins. At least they were mine. God could take my life, but I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of self-deprecation.

So as they laid me onto a stainless steel and cold table, I thought about my last words. And how you think the last words that someone says is "I love you". But in reality the last words I was going to speak was "Four".  See they bring out the gas and ask you to count backwards from ten and 4 is as far as I have ever gotten.
TEN- You life doesn't pass before your eyes. Not when you're 18
NINE- At least not the life you've already had. Instead it is the life you will never have.
EIGHT-
SEVEN- I walked up slowly to the rim of the cliff and peered over the edge into the abyss.
SIX- I won't try to describe what I saw. I can't. It doesn't fit readily into human words or concepts.
FIVE- But it changed me... Forever
FOUR- Everything goes black.

When I woke up from surgery we were told that there was no tumor. The tumor had disappeared. The doctors said " Call it a mistake, a medical anomaly, a miracle, whatever you want. Just don't ask your doctor about it again. He won't tell you what happened. You'll have to decide that for yourself." And as he left the room he said " and we never had this conversation."  Apparently they don't like to talk about things like this.

The conversation that never happen punctured my whole worldview like none I had ever had before or since. Like trying to grab smoke in your hand, my mind grappled to make sense of it all. Give me an explanation. There must be a rational reason.

Don't let this be God. Oh, Please, don't let this be God. What would that mean if this were God?

For a moment it was like being face to face with God. And like a staring contest to see who would blink first, we just sat there, our gazes locked. In the total silence and complete stillness of the moment my breath stopped, subservient to the notions of what might be. And then God winked, and I was at peace with my limited understanding of a universe and eternity that is wider and deeper than the human imagination.

And so life went on. Cameron was born shortly after that and his sister to follow 4 years later.  Life when on as it should. And through is all, God would pop in and out of my life unobtrusively , sharing my victories and my defeats. I was finally at peace.

And then the Summer of 2005 came and it tested me all over again. I became pregnant with our third child and as we grew confident with this pregnancy we began to tell our friends and family. Two days later I miscarried. All the joy is replaced with extreme sadness. And , as if overnight, everyone around you seems to be pregnant. Each expectant mother only makes you more mad at God.

I lashed out angrily at God and he didn't even have the courtesy or goodness to respond to the charges. Why my child? Why had my life been spared- maybe even miraculously- but my baby's life wasn't with His effort?

My ranting against God was interrupted by the source of the miscarriage: extreme endometriosis. A painful year and a total hysterectomy later and my anger at an apathetic God turned into apathy with an angry God.

Was I even a women anymore, without a uterus or ovaries? Are you really a woman if you don't have the womanly parts?

So at 27 years old I found myself going through menopause. At least it gave me an excuse for my mood swings and made me very popular with 50 year old women who shared the common experience of hot flashes.

It was to control the hot flashes that the doctors put me estrogen. It was the estrogen that caused the Breast Cancer. One surgery later and 20 pounds lighter I finished my 27th and 28th year on earth without Cancer.

I threw myself into raising money for Susan G Komen through the 3-day, 60 mile walks. It was between the Chicago and Atlanta walk that I did that they discovered he skin cancer on my stomach from the radiation treatment i received as a teenager.

I had the malignant tissue removed on a Tuesday and walked 60 miles that following weekend. I think the doctors wanted to tell me not to do the walk, but knew better. And sure enough I walked all 60 miles. Not in record time but all 60.

When I turned 30, I was able to start a new decade of my life. Now I could sum up my life in cliches. I could tell you that I have learned that every day is a gift and every relationship is to be cherished, but I couldn't do it without sounding corny.

I have learned that it takes all the colors on the canvas of my experience to make the mural of my life. The pastel greens of my children's birthdays. The deep reds of pain that were my own or shared by another. The warm yellows and oranges of love. The strokes of black and grey that are hurts that won't go away... ever. And the bare whiteness of the canvas, not yet filled with the colors of life.

I hope that my struggles and pain have made me a better person, a stronger person.  Nietzsche said that "what does not kill you, makes you stronger." I'm not sure if that's true, but I hope so.

Now, don't get me wrong, I still do the self-pity thing and gossip and lose my temper. But from time to time, I have a flashback to one of the times I strayed into close proximity with death or God. And I am reminded that our time is limited and that we are each given the task of making the world a better place. I try to us this insight. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail.

And what of God?   It's complicated.

I envy the simple faith of my daughter, Hailey. She KNOWS God is good all the time and everywhere. Her trust is complete.

I like to think of my relationship with God as more of a relationship. And like any relationship sometimes we fight. Sometimes we disagree. Sometimes I get mad and pout when I don't get me way. but like any good relationship, I know He will still be there for me when I come back around. We have the weathered relationship of old friends who've been through some tough times together.

And now I know that He cries when we cry and He smiles when we smile. And that has made all the difference.

Be Bold!!

"Be bold enough to use your voice, brave enough to listen to your heart, and strong enough to live the life you always imagined"!

It's time to start living life boldly. I mean life's to short to be anything but bold, right?

I started off this posting with the word " brave" as the title but it quickly came to be that its being brave that makes us bold.

It doesn't have to take a life altering event in your life to make you want to be bold. A lot of times that is how it starts. You realize how fragile life is. You realize that you can plan out tomorrow but you don't really know what tomorrow holds. And since you can't go back to yesterday, you have no choice but to be bold today!

I have seen the dark side of life. But who hasn't! Everyday the sun has come back up whether I have wanted it to or not. It does! And everyday it does I am reminded that today is another chance to live the life that I want.

I have never thought I was ordinary and its not just because of my struggles in life with Cancer but its because I have never wanted to be ordinary. I don't want to leave this life and not know that I was bold with my life.

It takes a strong, courageous person to be bold. To put themselves out there and know that things may not go the way they had thought. To get hurt. To get disappointed . To get screwed over. BUT..... that should never stop us from being Bold. That should only push us to be even more bold.

I have met so many people who I think are bold. And I admire their boldness for life. I admire their boldness for faith. I admire their boldness for love. I admire their voice. I admire their desire to make a difference. Big or small.

I have made some bold moves in my life. Some have had me fall flat on my ass and some have made my life change forever. Being bold is not always easy. Life gets in the way. People get hurt by your boldness. But I don't want to be anything but bold!

I am not the silent type. I am not one to keep my comments or feelings to myself. I am not one to not make a scene if I have to. But it takes more then that to be bold. It takes action. It takes not being afraid to say the same thing over a microphone for the world to hear. It takes standing up for what you believe! It takes putting it all on the line!

It takes knowing that if today was the last day of your life, that you were Bold in your life. No regrets!

There's no time to be anything BUT BOLD!!!


I heard this song as I was writing and this I thought it was very fitting!!
                        Katy Perry-Roar-

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready 'cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You'll hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar...

Ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar

Everything happens for a reason!!!

"Laugh at the confusion, Smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that.... EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON."

It took me awhile to really believe that everything happens for a reason. A life filled with a lot of "whys" made it hard for me to see the reason why things were happening.  But with the "whys" came so many answers that to this day continue to change my life.

"Why" is a common question to ask when something bad happens to you. I think its almost like instinct. Your life stops and your mind instantly goes to "why is this happening to me?" or "what did I do to deserve this?". Your mind doesn't always get a chance at first to think about what can come from this. It may take you a few days, a few months or even a few years to fully understand the reason.

But this saying has gotten me through many of the hard times in my life. And sometimes I understand why things are happening right away and sometimes it takes me a little longer. But eventually all the pieces come together and it all makes sense. It makes it all worth it.

When I was younger I don't think I could fully understand why Cancer was coming into my life and has continued to follow me as I grow older. But I know now that there is a reason I got cancer more then just once. The lives I have been able to touch and the people that I have met along the way have seriously made Cancer one of my biggest strengths. It has brought me lifelong friends. It has given me strength that I didn't know I had.

I believe that people don't just come into your life for no reason. I believe that the people you meet along the way are put there for a reason. Some are put there to pick you up when you have fallen. Some are put there to dry your tears. Some are put there to walk when you can't. Some are put there to make you smile. Some come at times when you least expect it but it forever changes your life. Some bring you back to life!

Not knowing the reason can be the hardest part sometimes. It's like a waiting game. And I HATE waiting. I don't do the waiting game well. But I have gotten better over time. And I have learned that whatever the reason is , it's the right reason. Even if it doesn't make sense in your mind, it will always make sense in your heart.

Everyday I look at my children I understand exactly why everything happens for a reason. If I had not  gotten pregnant young and done it all backwards, I do not know if they would be here today. I would love to believe that they would be but considering that at 33 I am no longer able to have children makes me understand why I was blessed with my two miracles young. And I wouldn't change it for the world.

I live with no regrets. Life is too short to live with regrets. I live life to the fullest without being ashamed of the mistakes I have made. I have fallen but I would rather fall trying then have the regret.

If my life has taught my anything its that "life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

So take your life and live it with no regrets because "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON"'

Find your reason!!!!

"Be Crazy. Be Stupid. Be Silly. Be Weird. Be Whatever. Because Life is TOO short to be anything but Happy."

The Battle Wounds of Cancer!

"I think scars are like battle wounds - beautiful, in a way. They show what you've been through and how strong you are for coming out of it." (Demi Lovato)

Cancer leaves an everyday reminder that it has entered your life. Even when the cancer is gone it is still with you always. It leaves a battle wound!

Cancer comes into your life unexpected and it forever changes you! It comes in with a bang and leaves you vulnerable. Sometimes it leaves you bald and weak. Sometimes it leaves you with more problems then you had before. Sometimes it leaves you with the loss of a loved one. It leaves you scared. It leaves you with scar that will be a constant reminder...

BUT the one thing that I know for sure that it leaves you with is STRENGTH! HOPE! COURAGE!

I have met many people along the way who have been affected by Cancer. Either personally or with a loved one. And each and everyone of them have taken the bad things that cancer brings and have turned them into something good. 
I have met people who because of their loss have turned their loss into a fight to end this horrible disease. They fight to keep their loved ones spirit alive.

I have watched Cancer bring people together. I have watched friendships develop that will last a lifetime. I have listened to stories that make you cry every time you hear them but that also give you the strength to fight!

I have watched friends with more strength then I knew possible fight and lose. I have heard the stories of survivors who years later lost their battle. I have felt the pain and fear of what cancer can really do.
But the pain and the fear feed the strength! It gives me courage that I thought cancer took from me but in reality its the thing that brought it out the most. 

Its the hope that I give to others when I tell my story.  

Its the celebration that you get to have when you finally beat it. Its the joy you have when you hear of someone else beating it. And whether or not you know that person personally, you feel that joy and that hope that cancer can be beaten.

Your wounds may heal but the battle is never over. The battle continues and the more you see people overcome the impossible, the more hope there is! 

I will carry my battle wounds with me forever and I will be ready to go to battle for anyone at anytime!

A Woman Should Have.... A Woman Should Know....

A WOMEN SHOULD HAVE....

...one old love she can imagine going back to... and one who reminds her how far she has come...

...enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...

...something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

...a youth she's content to leave behind...

...a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...

...a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and black lace bra...

...one friend who always makes her laugh...and one who lets her cry...

...a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

...eight matching plates,wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...

...a feeling of control over her destiny...

A WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

...how to fall in love without losing herself...

...how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

...when to walk away...

...that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

...that her childhood may not have been perfect... but it's over...

...what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

...how to live alone even if she doesn't like it...

...whom she can trust, whom she can't and why she shouldn't take it personally...

...where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table...or a charming inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing...

...what she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year...



This was a gift to me and it has helped me get through many days and find the strength inside me when I feel like it is lost.  I had to share!

First Day of School!

I am not sure if it's harder for the kids or if it's harder for me on the first day of school!

This year is obviously especially hard because we are in a new area with new schools!

I am not sure exactly how I thought this would feel but it's hard! I sit here wondering if the kids are ok and if they got enough to eat at lunch. It's not like its the first time they have ever been to school either but it sure does feel like an entire new world.

You always hope for the best for your kids and hope that everything you have taught them will get them through the day. As much as I want to hold their hands through this process, I have to let go and send them on their way. Which is the hardest thing for me!

Cameron is starting High School. That alone can knock the wind out of you. Add moving to a new state and not knowing anyone and you could possibly stop breathing.
At this age it's hard to get all the feelings out and understand what he is going through. But I am trying and remembering that at that age I probably wasn't sharing all my feelings with my parents either unless of course I was yelling at them! He is such an amazing child and I know all parents think that their children are amazing and I am no different but he really is. And so to see him hurting is the toughest thing to deal with. It would be nice to go back to the days of Teletubbies and treasure planet. I guess I should be careful what I wish for=)!

Hailey is starting 5th grade and has been counting down the days for months! Cameron kept letting her know that there is no way that they could be related if she was this excited about school.
She is so excited that she gets disappointed very easily. She pictures this great day so I just hope that it is everything and more for her today! She was so excited that sleeping and eating were hard to do and this morning she got so nervous that the tears started. But she picked herself right back up and got on that bus with a great big smile!

Being the new kid can't be easy. You hope that your child is welcomed into this new place with smiles and open arms. That they will look back at this day as the beginning of something great!

But for now I wait! I wait for the bus to unload my children with hopefully smiles and stories of the day. I know the road ahead is not going to be easy but I hope my kids can lean on me the way they have let me lean on them!

60 Miles in 3 days!!!!

I walked 60 Miles in 3 days and I have blisters and soreness to prove it! But it was soo worth it!!

It was a weekend filled with amazing weather, new friends, old friends that make you laugh til your ready to pee and tears that will never fully ever stop pouring from my eyes.

I had the pleasure of being able to carry the MYSELF flag at opening ceremonies and speak about why I walk. A moment that I will take with me for the rest of my life. Being able to get up on stage and say why I walk was the best way to start off 60 miles. There are so many amazing stories that you hear along the way so to be picked to tell mine is such an honor.

I am blessed to walk with the girls I have walked with for years and know that there is no way I would have ever finished without them by my side. The friendship that started with my first walk that has now turned into so much more then we ever knew possible. We laugh. We cry. We bitch like never before. We complain. But most of all we carry each other each step and I am forever grateful.

We walked through communities that came out and showed their support. Little booths set up with signs and treats for each walker that walked by. Kids with signs that would make you cry. Survivors cheering you on. Drinks that make you smile and maybe even make you a little tipsy. Volunteer police that just might make your heart beat a little faster.  

Once you finish walking for the day you get to enjoy the amenities of camp. And when I say camp I mean camp. Little pink tents and semi trailer showers. Outdoor living at its best. You get to sit and watch as others finish up there walking. The medical tent starts to fill up with people who have blisters like you can't even imagine. Five star restaurant food is served, ok not really but you are so hungry that it doesn't even matter what you are eating. 

A few people are honored enough to be able to get up and tell there story at the camp show. Stories that remind you exactly why we are walking and what we are fighting for. Stories that make you cry and will stay with you forever. Stories of surviving  and stories of loved ones lost. It takes courage to get up there in front of so many people and open your heart.  But there is nothing better then touching the lives of so many.

It is the last year in Chicago for this walk and that made it very sad for so many. Chicago is where it all started for me and to say goodbye to something that has truly saved my life is very hard. But the journey will continue and the fight will never stop. 

The last day is always the hardest. You are tired and sore. You are crabby, well maybe just me =). Your body has been tested like never before but you continue to walk every step because the finish line is in sight. My girls held my hands and got me to the end where my family was waiting to cheer us on and congratulate us on such a great accomplishment. We walked in strong and brave as the tears were hard to control.

Saying goodbye is never easy but being able to take those 3 days with me makes it just a little bit easier.

I thank my family for being there every step. Without you and your support this would not be possible. Seeing your face every day is what keeps me going.

I thank my donors who support me along this journey and continue to believe in me.

I thank my girls for holding my hand and wiping my tears. Without you I would still be walking=)!

Thank you for loving and supporting me.

The fight is not over and I will continue to fight for myself and each and everyone who is affected by this horrible disease. 

2 Weeks!!!!!

Why do I walk 60 miles in 3 days?

                  

There really is no way to fully describe what walking the Susan G Komen 3day means to me. Unless you have walked in the shoes of the thousands of men and women who walk every year you will never fully understand. But I am going to try my best to give you that feeling.

In 2 weeks I will walk my 5th Chicago 3day Breast Cancer Walk. I will walk with men and women who have had Breast Cancer, who have lost a loved one to breast cancer or who have a loved one going through Breast Cancer right now. 

I signed up for my first 3 day walk without having any full attachment to Breast Cancer. Having had cancer before in my life made me want to do something bold and life changing. I of course realized why I signed up for this particular walk 2 months after I signed up when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer at 28. Being completely blindsided by this diagnosis I had no choice but to fight. 

I walked my first 3day while undergoing treatment. My doctors had learned better then to fight with me and so they allowed me to walk. And thank God they did.  Without this walk, I honestly do no believe I would be here and as strong as I am.

The walk is life changing. No amount of drugs that was being poured into my body could heal me the way that walking these 60 miles did.

You are surrounded by a special group of people. People who help you look deep inside yourself and find the strength that has always been in there but that you needed help seeing.

I got to hear stories of such strength that you wanted nothing more then to fight. I got to hear stories that made me cry and made me want to only fight harder.

I met life long friends along the way. Friends who have wiped me tears and held my hand when I had no more strength to take another step. Friends who have walked for me when I couldn't. Friends who give me a reason to never give up.

I have gotten to tell my story and touch the lives of so many. I have gotten to be an inspiration to others and give others a reason to fight. If that is my cancer gift then it has all been worth it!

I have gotten to walk through communities that embrace you as their own. I have gotten to walk through cheering stations that have brought me to tears because of their dedication and love to support all of us. I have walked by the pictures of their loved ones who have lost their battle and of those fighting.  I have heard the gratitude of those not able to walk and have looked into their eyes. You can't help but gain strength from them and hopefully leave them some of your strength as well.

I have gotten to see my own family and friends support me in this journey. Near and far I know they are all with me every step and support me through this journey.

Cancer is not fair. Cancer has taken to much from me and too much from so many. Cancer has taken friends from me that have given me so much strength along the way. But their strength will live on as I(we) walk. Cancer may take away so much but it can not take away our will to fight. Cancer may eat away at our bodies but it does not eat away at our heart or our strength.

My body may get beaten up along the way and the pain may become unbearable at times but I know that I am surrounded by more strength then I ever knew possible. I know that if I fall along the way that I am not alone. That is something that Cancer can never take away!!

This will be a long and hard 60 miles for me this year but I know that every step I take it will make a difference.

I thank all of you who have supported me and continue to. Without you I would not be here!

14yrs ago......

14yrs ago my life changed forever.

Having a child at 19 and out of wedlock was not really in my plans. But nothing is really ever in my plans that comes my way.

But the greatest miracle in life was given to me and I am grateful every day.

I would never have planned to have kids this young but I wouldn't do it any other way either!

Ryan and I were early into our relationship when we had to hurry up and grow up. Having just had major cancer surgery the month before, we could never have expected what was coming our way.
The doctors made it as clear as they could that I would never be able to have kids. Having one ovary that was dead from all the radiation and a stomach that couldn't stretch enough to carry a child made it a pretty impossible task. But impossible task are what I know best.

When I found out I was pregnant, I went through a million emotions. Happiness filled with more fear then I have ever felt before . Panicked and calm at the same time. Terrified to tell Ryan but also couldn't wait to tell him.

Once the shock of it wore off in both of us and we had to make some big decisions quick. I was living in an apartment. Ryan was supposed to leave for Africa in a month and be there for 5 months of school. Doctor appointments needed to be made. Family needed to be told. It was a whirl wind of events.

The first doctors appointment came and with it came more complication then we would imagine. With my health circumstances, it was going to be a very high risk pregnancy and the outcome was not completely in our favor. Because my stomach does not stretch, carrying a child full term would be pretty much impossible. Cameron's life as well as mine was at risk. So specialist and lots of doctors appointments  set up we began this journey.

We would not have made it through any of this without our families. I moved in with Ryans family and they took care of me while Ryan went off to Africa(another blog will have to explain that=)). We had support from both of our families which only taught us more how important family is. Not everyone thought we were making the right decision but we knew in our hearts that this was the best decision.

It didn't take long for pregnancy to start kicking my butt! Morning sickness became all day sickness. Weight gain became too much weight loss. Dehydration lands your butt in a hospital. Contractions began at 16 weeks and more medication that I knew existed was given to me to keep that little baby inside me as long as I could.

18 visits and countless nights in the hospital later, Cameron Hope Dowd was born at 29 weeks. In an emergency c-section that I was knocked out for, tiny 4 pound Cameron arrived. The tinniest baby that I had ever seen and the most beautiful baby in the world. When you have a baby that early you don't really know what to expect. He had tubes coming out of him and was in an incubator but he still was the strongest little guy. He literally fit in the palm of Ryan's hands.

I always wondered how you could love someone that much that quick. But it was instant. It was a forever bond that can't even really be explained in words. What you have lived without your entire life, you now can not live without.

We took that tiny 4lb baby home and never looked back. It seems like yesterday that I was changing diapers and trying to get him to just drink 2 ounces of milk. Now I can't keep enough food in the house to keep him fed.

Cameron has grown into a handsome young man. And even though there are days that I wish he couldn't talk or that I could strap him into a bouncy seat and plug him with a pacifier, I wouldn't change a thing. He has taught me so much about myself because we learned together and grew up together. He is me in so many ways that I don't necessarily like to admit. But I could not be more proud of the son we have raised and the young man he is growing up to be.

I hope one day he will understand it all and realize that he is a miracle. We saved each others lives!

Being tested!

I haven't posted any blogs lately.  A friend mentioned my blog to me yesterday and so I thought maybe it was time to write one.

I have had a dark cloud over myself the past few weeks so I was trying to not rain on everyone else. But I am hoping the clouds are parting and that the sun is peaking through. At least its trying. 

The past few weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life. I have been tested in more ways then I knew possible. Our family moved from Illinios to Virginia.

Ryan will be starting his own nonprofit and it was key to be near DC in order to make it work. But until his replacement is found and his nonprofit is up and running, he is living in Illinios while the kids and I are in Virginia. 

Our house sold very quickly and we needed to be out of the house sooner then we would have liked. Blessing in disguise is what I keep saying. It's great that it sold but a little more time would have been nice. We needed to move quick and we had many decisions to make. First was where we would live. 

We didn't want to move twice and wanted the kids to get adjusted as soon as they could. So we decided to move to virginia while Ryan finished up there. A decision that I still struggle with everyday. 

When you are in the hustle and bustle of packing up your house that you lived in for the past 8 yrs and trying to find a new one, you are blinded by reality in a way. You are so busy with everything that needs to be done that you don't really have time to feel in your heart what is happening. But then when all the boxes are finally unpacked and you have a second to breathe, you are left with the reality of being in a new state, alone with your kids , living apart from your husband. 

When you are making a decision like this you go through every scenerio in your head you can think of. You try and look at everything that could wrong  but at the same time you don't live with the "what ifs". If I lived my life in the " what ifs" I would never live. So you convince yourself to jump off the cliff and enjoy the adventure that is ahead of you. 

Of course things never really go as you plan. Where would the fun be in that. 

Now I know I am a strong person. I have had to be in my life. I don't run from fear. I jump in without a life vest and hope that I can swim to shore. There have been times in the past few weeks that I have felt that I am drowning and there is no coming up for air. But something pulls me up to the surface and makes me keep swimming. My kids have definetly been my life raft. Even though at times I know they have probably wanted to dunk me they have not given up on me.

Nothing is harder then seeing your children struggle. You can do anything you want to me. I may not like it and I may hurt but I will survive. But you are not allowed to touch my children. Seeing them go through this process has been the hardest apart. And since its all on me because Ryan is there and I am here, there is no time to for a break. When they have a bad day it's on me to make it better and when I can't, it's heart breaking. 

On the plus side of that, we have learned to lean on each other in a way I didn't know possible. It may not always be said in words but it is by actions. I hope that some day they will realize what this time with them meant to me. Without them, I do not think I would be surviving this.

My marriage is being tested too. Ryan and I have a relationship that has seen many ups and many downs. We have conquered life together when we didn't think it would be possible. We have been apart before but not since I was pregnant with Cameron have we lived apart this long. We are trying to hold onto each other the best we can but I will admit its been hard. He can only do so much from there for me and I am pretty drained from being on my own that there is not much left at the end of the day. It's not the best situation but if there is one thing we do know for sure its that the love we have for each other can get us through anything!

We have left behind so many important people who have been apart of our life and have gotten us through so much of our lives. It has been hard to not have the people who have supported me and held my hand so close to me but I do feel so much love and support from a distance.

I have never been one to take the easy road so I guess why would I start now. I am not 100% sure what the future holds but I do know that one day we will all look back at this time and smile about our crazy adventure and how amazing it was........ At least thats my hope!

I AM.....

"I'd rather be hated for who I am , than loved for who I am not"... (Kurt Cobain)

I am a puzzle. Maybe that is why doing puzzles is so therapeutic to me. Many different pieces make me who I am!

I am a Mother! I may not win mother of the year award, but being a mom is my most precious gift. I have been blessed to be able to stay home with my kids from the beginning. I may have more wrinkles and more grey hairs because I am a mom, but I would not have it any other way.

I am a Wife! Married 12 years this May, I have married a man that makes me believe in myself and makes me a better person. I am not an easy person to be married to. I will own that! I am high maintenance . I am stubborn. I fight for what I want. But in saying that I also love with very ounce of my heart. I am married to me best friend. "My Person".

I am a Daughter! A pain in the ass daughter! I have put my parents through hell and back. But I could not ask for better parents. They have supported me and held my hand when they could have let go and let me lose my way. They have taught me the meaning of family. As I get older, I work harder and harder to make them proud. It took me becoming a mom to fully understand some of the things they did but I am grateful for the fights because they never asked me to be someone I wasn't. They excepted me. With all my craziness. They let me make my mistakes and they didn't judge me for them.  I don't always make it easy but I do always love them.

I am a Sister! Far and near, I am a sister. I don't think you fully start to cherish your siblings until you get a little older. Growing up, you fight over stupid things and blame each other for what the other did. As you get older, you just want to be around them as much as you can. I will fight for them. I will not let others walk all over them and I will support them in any way I can. We are each our own person. All very different yet so alike because we are siblings. I can laugh with them and I can cry with them.

I am a Friend! You are either going to totally love me or totally hate me. But if you love me you know I am a loyal friend. I am loud and will open my mouth even when I am not supposed to. If you hate me, I still think you know its because I stand for what I believe and will not let anyone walk all over me or anyone that I love. I will be there every second i can and I will drop life for yours. My friends our not just friends but just extended family. I will hold your hand and wipe your tears . But I will also push you to be the person you want to be. I will walk with you on every path, near and far.

I am a Survivor! Being a survivor is such a big part of me that it gets its own paragraph. Its such a big part of where I am today. I have survived my share of obstacles and I will continue to survive. I have survived Cancer more times then I thought was even possible. I have survived lose that I thought would break me. I have survived the ups and downs of life!

I would not be any of these if not for all the support I have gotten over the years. And there were times when I wanted to run and I am sure everyone around me wanted to run too!
I have family that should get its own award for sticking with me. Family that I was born into and family that I have married into. But all the same in my eyes. They have been there ever step of the way and have held my hand each step along the way. I don't things easy all  the time but I am forever grateful.

I AM me. No one can take that away from me.

Life is to Short to not Walk!

“Live every day as if it were going to be your last; for one day you’re sure to be right.” –Harry Morant

I have pulled the short end of the stick one to many times in my life if you ask me. But I have tried to make the best out of what I have been given. I do not know what stick I will pull next, but short or long I intend to make the best out of what I have.

Life is filled with so much happiness and joy that to many people hold onto the bad and they forget about all that goodness. I am guilty of doing it too. Sometimes it takes something so bad to make me see it that I hate that I couldn't see it before. But I do try and I do believe that everything happens for a reason. 

I believe that so much good can come from something bad if you let it. I have seen it happen and believe that that is sometimes what keeps me going on a bad day. 

I think we take for granted that the mistakes we make today can be fixed tomorrow. Life is to short to leave words unsaid and to wait for someone else to fix them. Because today is something we know we have but we can never be sure of tomorrow.

I have struggled with Cancer for half of my life. Maybe that is my gift. My gift to make every day count because I do not know what tomorrow holds but I do know what I can do today. I can fight. I can fight for me. I can fight for everyone who doesn't have a voice. I can fight the those who we have lost.

A few days ago I learned that a friend that had comforted me through my first speech at Susan G Komen lost her battle to Breast Cancer. It hits close to home not only because she was someone I admired and loved but because she was 29yrs old. I was 28 when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and it hits a little to close to home.

I took a few years off from walking the Susan G Komen 3 day but have decided that this year I will again! I have many fears as I go into this journey again.  60 miles in 3 days can do a number on your body and since my body is never up to par I fear that I will not be able to finish. And since anyone who knows me knows that I finish what I start because I am to damn stubborn to do anything but finish.
But I fear more not trying then I fear anything else. I have a support team that I hope that everyone has. And if you don't , call me and I will be your support.  I have my girls who hold my hand and wipe my tears. I have the holes in my heart of everyone who has lost this horrible battle. And I know with each step, it will not bring them back but it will fill the holes in my heart with their spirit and their fight to end this once and for all.

Being a Mom!

Being a stay at home mom is the hardest job there is!!

But before I say anything else, it is the most rewarding job there is too. There is nothing else I would rather be doing. No amount of money would take me away from being home with my kids.

Now I am  blessed in so many ways. I know to many mothers who struggle with not being able to stay home with here kids. I do not ever take that for granted. There might be days where I want to pull all my hair out and chug a bottle of wine, but at the end of the day I still always feel lucky that I am home.

I struggle many days with what I think being a good mom is. There are days I know I don't meet the good mom criteria that I have set in my head. There is only one of me and sometimes I need about 100 of me to really get it all done and really be there for each one of my kids. And still have enough left for when my husband walks in the door.

As my kids get older I feel like there are times they need me more then when they were babies. Then there are the times when I feel like they don't need me at all and I get sad because I feel like they are growing up too fast. It's  a juggling act. Having one teenager  who is turning into a young independent man and one 9 yr old who I still consider my baby girl is a hard to juggle. But of course loved the same.

I beat myself up a lot even being a stay at home mom that I don't give enough to my kids. I don't mean things or objects, I mean that I don't give them enough of myself because there is always something else going on at the same time. We always say in this house " there is never a dull moment"!

When the kids were babies I used to love when they would get sick because all they would want to do is cuddle with me all day on the couch and not leave my side. I never enjoyed the sickness part but the feeling of being needed was something that filled my heart.

Hailey just had surgery again on her leg again. This time around I am trying to look at all the good things that can come from this. The time I can have with her. The talks, the tears and even the laughs are things we will forever remember. I am trying to stretch myself as far as I can as a mom and still be there for Cameron at the same time. It's always harder when one child needs you more then the other. You don't want your other child to ever feel less important. I am trying to make sure he knows I am still here and that his needs are just as important.

As I juggle being a wife, selling our house, taking care of my health and trying to be a good mom all at the same time, I hope that at the end of the day I still take the time to reflect on how blessed and lucky I am!

Hospitals

I have a love hate  relationship with hospitals!

Hospitals have been like a second home to me. Not really what I had in mind for a second home. I always thought maybe a place looking over the ocean or high in the mountains. 

Just walking into one gives me knots in my back and a few more grey hairs that I will need to cover up with a little hair dye. 

Now don't get me wrong, great things can happen at hospitals. My children were born in a hospital and they saved not only my sons life but mine as well. They is no greater thing then a baby being born. 

Cures happen every day at hospitals. Tumors that are impossible to get out, are taken out and a person will be able to live a life that they thought would be taken from them. 

Medicine that is not available to so many people are available and given to patients to let them live a pain free life. A longer life then what maybe they would not have been able to live without them.

Without hospitals, so many people would not be here today. Medicine, Doctors and nurses are things that I personally would not be here without and that makes them the gift!

Now on the other hand Hospitals can be your worse nightmare. They can be the place where life ends. The room they take you in to tell you that your loved one is no longer with us. 

They can be the place where a small procedure you went in for became a life threatening illness that you will forever have to live with. 

Love Hate Relationship!!!

But today I can say I love the hospital. Now it may not last for long as I have learned that the next thing is never to far away but today is a day that a hospital is my hero.

As I sat in a room waiting for my Hailey to be wheeled back to me after surgery, I couldn't help but cry after the doctor came in and told me everything went well. Relief..Joy.. Love.. It was all filling up in my heart and there was nothing but gratitude that we have this opportunity that I know so many don't.

As Hailey was waking up and she was getting ready to be discharged, she said very strongly " I don't ever want to come back here again". And I smiled and held her hand and said " we are all done here"! I hope that is true. If at least my daughter doesn't have to see the inside of a hospital for awhile that will make me one happy mother!

I should be thankful that we have the medicine available to us and I should not have hate for the hospital. And maybe its not the hospitals I hate, maybe its my bad life experiences that I have had there but I can't help but walk in and feel the knots form and the heart beat fast.

But today I will just be happy and blessed that my little girl is home resting after a successful surgery!!

Love!

Love is defined as an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. But Love is so much more then that!

True Love came into my life almost 15yrs ago. Young and wild, what was supposed to be a summer fling turned into a lifetime of love. 

When Ryan and I met, he was home for the summer from college and planning on going to Africa at the end of the summer for a year.  Neither one of us could see what would come next but it forever changed our lives. 

If I really think about it, the beginning of our relationship should have been a sign to both us as to what our life together would bring. Almost like a movie where the boy stays back from Africa so that he can help the girl through Cancer. 

When I met Ryan, I was having a recurrence of Cancer and was not given good odds. The baseball size tumor was going to be very difficult to remove and chemo would be too hard on my body to handle. Given the choice, I chose surgery and hoped for the best. A few days before Ryan was scheduled to leave for Africa, he made the decision to stay back and be with me as I endured another battle with Cancer. Little did I know that this would pretty much be the story of our life together. Him holding my hand as one health crisis after another hit. But without him , I honestly do not believe I would be here. 

We conquered that battle with flying colors and were not expecting what would come next. A miracle surprise. Cameron.  I was not supposed to be able to have children at all so Cameron coming along is what the definition of miracle is. A pregnancy that would test my body in every way and that could potentially take my life, was just another test of what our relationship was about.  This little premature baby would test us beyond belief but we were up the test. 

We got married when Cameron was almost 2. There are still discussions in our house today as to why Cameron was at our wedding and Hailey was not! But we would not have done it any other way.

As with any marriage we had our rough times. Having a child so young made us have to grow up fast. We lived with Ryan's family for 5 years while Ryan finished college and went to Law School. We bought our first house together and of course had a second child. We have worked hard on our relationship and there is nothing that we have not gone through that has not made us stronger.

I do not know for sure if Ryan knew what he was signing up for. As I tell him many times "you knew I was broken when you married me" =).. He is a strong man. He is my strength . 

I can only imagine what he has gone through over the years. I think sometimes that its harder for the him then me. I know I would not want to be in his shoes. I am not sure how I would handle it if he were to ever get sick. It's something I hope to never have to know. 

We are a great team. We support each other in every way, even when we don't always agree with the choice. 

I am pretty much an open book. If I am sad, you know it! If I am in pain, you sure as hell know it! I have never had a hard time expressing my feelings. It's a little harder with Ryan as it probably is with men. I do my best to build him up the way he builds me up. There is no greater love I feel then when he is holding my hand.

As we have watched each other grow up and mature into what I think our amazing adults, I have watched him turn into an amazing man. A wonderful father, a loving husband and a man who will save this world one person at a time. He has made me believe in myself and made me believe that no matter what obstacle we face, we will survive.

Our love has been tested beyond belief. We have gone through hell together and always land into each others arms. 

I know the road ahead will test us more then it ever has before but I also know that we can do anything as long as we have each other!


Forever can never be long enough for meTo feel like I've had long enough with youForget the world now, we won't let them seeBut there's one thing left to do
Now that the weight has liftedLove has surely shifted my way
Marry meToday and every dayMarry meIf I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you willSay you will
Together can never be close enough for meTo feel like I am close enough to youYou wear white and I'll wear out the words I love youAnd you're beautiful
Now that the wait is overAnd love and has finally showed her my way
Marry meToday and every dayMarry meIf I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you willSay you will
Promise me you'll always beHappy by my sideI promise to sing to youWhen all the music dies
And marry meToday and everydayMarry meIf I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you willSay you willMarry me


Read more: TRAIN - MARRY ME LYRICS