Time Out!!!

I am putting myself in Time Out!!! I am forcing myself to stop!!! I am taking time for myself!!! I am saying "No More"!!! .....at least for a few days.... I think that Time Outs can benefit all of us. I used to think that time outs were only for when you were in trouble. I would yell at my kids and put them in a Time Out so that they could sit and think about what they just did. But I don't think they have to just be for kids and I don't think they always have to be bad a thing. What is so bad about taking a Time Out? I recently told my doctor that I would be taking a Time Out. A break from the constant worry. Time to just be me without having to go and get every part of my body pocked. Now I always have everything in the back of my head and the worry will never go away, but maybe a Time Out is all I need to get back up again. I think you have to force yourself to take the time. It's not always easy but I do think its necessary. You can only be a better person by taking that time. Otherwise you end up hurting yourself and the people around you more. I am no good to anyone when I am down. I have to know when I am at the end of my road and need to stop and start again. I don't stop much and when i do it usually is not a good thing. But I must learn to stop and smell the roses. I know that is such a cheesy saying but its so true. We are so busy trying to get everything done and be in a hundred different places that we forget what is important to us. I don't want to rush through life just trying to get things done. Instead I want to enjoy what I am doing. If I can enjoy the hundreds of things I need to do then they wouldn't be so bad. I think you need to know why you are doing the things you are doing. You go to the grocery store so that your family has food to eat. You do laundry everyday so that your child has her favorite shirt cleaned. You get the oil changed in the car so that it continues to run. You go to the doctor a dozen times in a week so that they know the right path to choice to make you better. You tell your kids you love them because you can never tell them enough. Sometimes when I can sit and see why I am doing this, I understand. I understand the purpose behind it and I want to get back in the ring. A time out can be a few minutes, a few hours or even a few days. The amount of time is up to you. You need to know how much time you need to sit and think about what you are doing. TIME OUT til Monday for me!!!!!

I'm worth it!!!

I have to remember that I am worth it!!

I was walking with a friend this morning and she said that " we are worth it" and it really struck something in my body.

I have forgotten that I am worth it. I have forgotten that my kids are worth it. I have forgotten that my husband is worth it. I have forgotten that my family and friends are all worth it.

"live each day as if it were your last because tomorrow may never come"

Its hard to live each day as if it were your last. I believe I have many many more days in this world. But I also take that for granted. I allow myself to say"tomorrow" one to many times. Sometimes tomorrow is all you have and there is nothing you can do about that but I sometimes forget about today.

I am scared everyday. I am frustrated. I am tired. My body is sore.

But I need to believe that it is all worth it. Life has not failed me yet. At times I feel like it has but when I finally get my head off the ground, I realize that it was worth all the pain and misery.

I would say that I have been in quite the funk this past week. I feel like I have tried all the things that normally work. Walking. Talking. Crying. Yelling. Cleaning. Rearranging. Drinking. Even Sex. And nothing has seemed to snap me out of it. I am not one to stay down for long but this time has been particular hard on me and I am sure hard on the people around me. I have become a pin cushion again and I can only smile for so long.

But I want to smile =)

People who know me know my real smile and my pretend one. I am one of the worst liars in the world. What you see is what you get.

Everything I have done in life has been worth it and I wouldn't change any of it for anything in the world. It has had its obstacles along the way but the hard work has always been worth it.

I fight hard for the things that are important to me. Might husband would probably not argue with the fact that I fight hard for what I want. I have been able to stay home since my son was born almost 13yrs ago. We had to give up a lot and work very hard at making that happen, but nothing is worth it more.

I have to fight hard everyday to realize that I am worth being here. I am worth the time and effort that goes into me being the person I know I am.

I want to show my kids that I am worth it and so are they.

Yesterday is history.

Tomorrow is mystery.

Today is a gift.  

Scars

“Scars show us where we have been, they do not dictate where we are going.” 

Scars are an everyday reminder of what life has brought to me. Some of my scars have brought me more joy then I could ever imagine and some have brought me more pain then I thought possible.

Most of us have at least one scar. Some don't compare to others, but we all have them. If you don't have a physical scar, then you have an emotional scar.

I pretty much have a tic tak toe board on my stomach. I have scars that cross from one side to the other. Scars they have reopened a handful of times. I have scars that are so small that I only know they are there. But each one of my scars represents my journey through this life.

I used to want to cover up my scars. Maybe put a huge tattoo over my stomach that way no one would know they were there. Maybe I wouldn't even realize that they were there. Covering them up would be like erasing them from my memory. But I realize that my scars give me strength. They give me courage. They give me hope that I can get through anything.

I have scars that have saved my life and scars that have brought me life. Each one tells a story. A story that is unique. No one scar is like another. But yet they are all connected.

I used to think that I could not feel beautiful or sexy with all my scars. I used to think that no man would find me beautiful or sexy if he saw the scars that covered my body. But my scars are what make me beautiful. I do not let them define who I am but they do surround my character. I do not think I would be the person I am today without each and every scar.

I have scars that I don't want anyone to see because I have not healed from them yet.The scar I have on my breast is still very raw where as the scars on my stomach , I feel as though I have healed as much as I can from them for the time being.

I know there will be plenty of new scars to come. I wish there weren't but I know that each new one will come with a new strength and a new hope.

Mother's Day!!

If I am going to be 100% honest then I must admit that I hate Mother's Day! I know that that is horrible thing to say, but its the truth. I like the idea of it but it never really turns out all that great.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my mother and my mother figures in my life. I enjoy being able to show them that they are appreciated and loved.

I also love my children and know that my children love me. BUT Mother's day comes with to many expectations. Maybe that's my own fault. Maybe I have this picture in my head of what its supposed to look like. If I just let down my expectations, maybe it would be a better day.

Previous Mother's Day make it hard for me to think that this one will be any better. There was the Mother's Day that I was undergoing treatment and came home and threw up my entire dinner. There was the Mother's Day that my husband literally had to drag my kids kicking and screaming to go to the store and get me a gift. There was the Mother's Day that I went to the store with Ryan and without the kids to get my own gift.  There is always a Mother's Day with tears.

Now its not about the gift at all , its about the thought. I like the concept that there is one day to honor mothers. All Mothers. My kids sometimes ask " when is kids day?'. My reply is always "everyday is kids day"!  And that's ok with me. I enjoy devoting my entire life to my family. I love that each and every day I am hear for them when they need me. And when they don't need me. Sometimes my kids will not acknowledge me, but they still want me here. And I get that. 

I have been fortunate enough to be able to stay home since Cameron was born. I have been a stay at home mom for almost 13yrs. And I honestly would not have it any other way. I love my job(most days).

I recently saw a video about No Mother's Day. It's a movement to raise awareness about the amount of women who die during pregnancy and childbirth because they do not have the care.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0w669fZBH8
Its a video worth watching if you have time.
It truly made me think long and hard about Mother's Day. I thought this could be my out. But then I realized that I am blessed. I know to many people who have lost their mother. And I realize that life can be cut short at any moment. I want to give my mother as many mothers days as I can. I want my children to celebrate Mother's Day with me even if they are kicking and screaming.

So this Mothers day I will vow to be a Mom and daughter. And that doesn't mean my heart doesn't ache for all those women who wont see one. But it does mean that I have a different outlook on Mother's Day.

This Mother's Day comes with many emotions. But for one day I want the joy of being a mom to make all the worry and uncertainty disappear.

Happy Mother's Day to each and every women that has a role in my life.

Waiting!!!!

I hate waiting. Even whens it's not something life changing, I still hate waiting.

I am not  a fan of long lines. And to be honest, I don't care for the short ones either. I guess that means I am not a very patient person. I try to be but I am thinking that isn't going to change anytime soon.

Waiting just gives you more time to think. Thinking is not always a good thing. Waiting gives you time to research what is being said to you. Its gives you time to " Google it". And that is never a good thing. Google can scare the shit right out of you. Now I am not saying that Google has not helped before but I will confess I have diagnosed myself one to many times using Google. The doctors even tell me "don't go home and google this". But how can one wait. You want as much information as you can possibly get. You don't always think of every question when you sitting there, but that's what Google is for .

It's like waiting in line for a roller coaster. You watch it go by a hundred times. You get more and more scared as you watch it. You listen to the screams and you watch the faces of the people before you.  You know you are either going to love this ride or hate it. You still have time to turn around. But you put on the smile(sometimes) and you get in your seat and buckle up for the ride.

Wait and See..  There is a song by Brandon Heath called wait and see.

I was born in Tennessee, late July humidity,
Doctors said I was lucky to be alive
I've been troubled since the day that I got here,
Troubled to the day I disappear
That'll be the day that I finally get it right

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

I never really was that good in school;
Talked too much, broke the rules
My teachers thought I was a hopeless fool, all right.
I don't know how but I made it through,
It's one of those things you gotta do
I always had a knack for telling the truth.

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

Still wonderin' why I'm here.
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh... HE's up to something,
And the farther out I go,
I've seen enough to know
That I'm not here for nothin'...
He's up to somethin'.

So now's my time to be a man,
Follow my heart as far as I can
No tellin' where I'm ending up tonight
I never slow down (or so it seems),
But singing my heart is one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight.

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

GOD, teach me to trust You
Teach me to follow You
Teach me about You
GOD, bless us
GOD, lead us

That song gives me hope and strength. The answers are not always right there when I want them to be. But I am trying to wait and see.

So I play the waiting game. I wait for the doctors to run the test they need to in order to find the right game plan. I wait for my body to build up what it needs to face what they think might be coming. I wait for the pain from test to go away so I do not have a constant reminder of the " what if".

I stop and realize that I this is my life forever, so I will make the best out of it.

Waiting Sucks... But I will try and make the best out of it. I try and teach my children patience. But I do believe they just might have to learn that from their father.

Blessings

When life is starring you in the eyes, you can't help but look at the blessings in your life. Any hardship that I have encountered in my 32 yrs of life have always been overcome by the blessings that follow.

And we all have them. Sometimes its hard to see them when you feel like you can barely even breathe. But when I stop and take a deep breath, that's when I know no matter what, it will be OK.

I have always considered my children a blessing. Even at my worst mothering moment, I am reminded that these children that are pushing every button in my body are my miracles.  I was not supposed to be able to have kids. Doctors told me I would never be able to get pregnant and if by some small chance I did, I would never be able to carry a child. It would be my life or the child's but not both. So when I became pregnant with Cameron, shock pretty much took over. But when the shock wore off, the joy of this miracle took over. A very hard pregnancy and 18 hospital visits, brought us Cameron Hope Dowd. He may have been tiny but he was strong and stubborn just like his mom. We were young but we were determined. I remember telling Ryan "that if I ever want to do this again, tell me no". But of course you forget all of that when you see your baby and know it was all worth it. And of course you want a million more.

Hailey Mandela Dowd blessed our lives a few years later.

And when I am overwhelmed with the feeling that I am unable to have more children, I remember that I am blessed with these 2 amazing children . Who could ask for more.

As far as husbands go, Ryan is more then a blessing. Words can't really explain it. I wont get all mushy and lovey but my husband gives me more strength then I know what to do with sometimes. He came into my life not knowing what he was getting himself into. He was home from college for the summer and wanted to make some money waiting tables and kiss as many blonds as he could. Well he didn't make to much money and he only kissed one blond but I think it was worth it in the end. We ride this roller coaster together. The ups and the downs. I can not imagine what its always like in his shoes but I thank him for continuing to wear them.

I recently read this book(probably not the best time to read this particular one) about a husbands journey through his wife's Breast Cancer.His wife did not survive but this book gave me insight to what it is like for your other half. I would rather be on this side than that one. It was an amazing story of love and strength.

Family is something you learn that you can't live without. As a teenager, I didn't always see the importance of family. But as I get older and have a family of my own, I realize that I am very blessed with an amazing family. And when you get married, you double that family and have double the blessings.
My mother is someone who gave up her entire life for me. It took me a very long time to understand that but now that I do, I try to be that kind of mom to my kids. She was there for me each and every step and continues to be there when I need her. I try and protect her from the worry and fear. I feel like I have given her enough worries for one lifetime. But I do always know that she will always be there to hold my hand, whether I want her to or not, And for that I am forever blessed. I have no idea how I could ever tell or show her how much that means to me.

I find great strength in my family. And they always seem to reach out at just the right time. Whether it be a letter,email or a phone call to just let me know they are thinking and praying for me, it gives me great strength and most of all a smile on my face.

Now I have no idea where I would be without my friends. To me, Friends are just an extended part of my family. They are there when you think you don't need them. I am not one to ask for help much, but they know when I need it without asking. I wear my heart on my sleeve so if something is bothering me, you know it. I can be me. Happy or sad.. Pissed or excited... What you see is what you get. It is exhausting to have to pretend to be something you aren't. For that I am grateful. I can just come as I am..

When I look and see the all these amazing blessings, its hard to remember anything bad. They are my distractions from the unknown.

To all my blessings, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Today I find strength in all of you and know that whatever tomorrow brings, you will get me through it!!

Therapy

Therapy is defined as Treatment intended to relieve or heal a disorder. I used to think that therapy was going to see doctor. Physical therapy, AA, Marriage counseling, psychiatrist, counselling  etc.....  But I have learned over the years that therapy comes in all shapes and sizes. And finding what works best for you is that greatest gift.

Walking..... Walking is my therapy. Now it doesn't solve all my problems, but it sure makes them tolerable.

I realized that walking was therapeutic for me when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I had signed up for the Susan G Komen 3 day before I was diagnosed. I had wanted to do this walk for awhile and thought this was a good time. When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, the walk of course took an entire new meaning to me. I never imagined that that walk would change my life forever.

I was undergoing treatment during my first walk. My doctors told me not to push myself but we all know that I don't listen to that kind of nonsense. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to even finish the first day, but I thought I would do the best I could. 2300 walkers started that journey with me. I had no idea what to expect but as I took my first few steps, I knew this would change my life. As I walked each mile, I found a strength I didn't know I had. To see all the pink, to watch the tears of those who have beaten cancer or walk for someone afflicted by the disease, I could never look upon that and not feel changed. Every one of those walkers embodied a fighting spirit. And for those to weak to take part, others did so in their honor to send the message, " I will fight for you". Its a a beautiful testament to the human spirit.

I met many amazing people along the way. Two in particular that still to this day give me strength each and every day. Finding people with my pace was somewhat difficult given the fact I am a little speedy but I see it as a gift that these girls had my pace. We talked, we cried and we laughed over those 60 miles. I walked every mile and finished that walk knowing that Cancer was not going to defeat me. I have walked several more 3days with those same girls and they were there to hold my and hand and dry my tears when there was no one else. They walk for me when I can't take another step. For that I am forever grateful.

Sometimes my husband will tell me "Go for a walk" because he to knows that it will help me.

Sometimes I want to talk about it until I am blue in the face. Other times I want to crawl into my bed and never get out.

I think everyone needs their own "Therapy". Something to help you work through whatever obstacle you face. 

I try and walk everyday if I can. It does depend a lot on how I am feeling. But I realized when i start again, I actually start to feel better. Physically and emotionally. I am able to walk and talk through anything. Its the best prescription !!

As uncertainties and fear begin to take over, I try and just walk them off. Just like someone trying to walk off the pounds. I realize this is going to be my life forever. Every time I have a little bump or a pain, I will be face with fear and more uncertainty. But I can not let that take over. Instead I will walk as many miles as my body will allow. I will cry as much as I need to. I will talk until I am blue in the face.

I do not feel sorry for myself. I do not wish this on anyone else. I know I will be thrown for a million loops, but I pray I will grow stronger with each passing day. I cannot let this get the best of me and I will not let it ruin my life.

I am starting to live by this saying " Today is a good day. Tomorrow looks good. After that, we don't know"

Mammograms!!!!

DISCLAIMER- I will be talking about my breasts in this Blog =)

If you have had a mammogram you will understand where this blog is coming from. If you have not, this will be insight to one.

Mammograms save lives everyday. That is a fact. It does not mean that they are enjoyable by any means. This morning I went in for a mammagram/ultrasound that my doctor wanted me to have due to some concerns she was having. So going into the office was already little nerve racking.
A very nice nurse(she looked maybe 16) welcomes you in and shows you to the changing area. She tells me to undress from the waist up and to put one of the robes on, opening in the front. She then tells me to put my stuff into a locker and have a seat in the waiting room. This is a conversation she has with every women that comes in after me. Almost like a recording that she must repeat over and over again. You wonder if that ever gets old.

I change and walk into the waiting room filled with other women sitting in their white robes. You are all there for the same reason but no one really says anything to each other. There are small smiles exchanged, but nothing really more then that. Now I was by far the youngest women in there. It seemed like everyone was at least 50 if not 60. And I wondered why each one was there. I wondered if this was just a routine visit or was there something they were there for. I wondered if they wondered why I was there. Being 32, you hope its not something they see everyday.

I sat there as others got called. And watched as others came back. Watching their faces. Looking for any expression that might tell me if they were ok.

A nurse walks in and says " Mrs. Dowd". I still look for my mother-in-law when I hear that. But since I knew she wasn't there, I knew she must mean me. An amazing nurse walks me back to the room where I will be squeezed. She sits me down and explains what will happen and asks me a few questions. She made me feel very safe and secure. Any nerves I had, she took away in that moment.

Its time to get started, so I get up and walk over to this big , white machine. The nurse says we will start with the right side , so i open my robe and expose my right breast. Now not that anyone would want to picture my boobs but just to give you an idea I am a 34A. So not a very busty lady. So this nurse begins to try to squeeze my boob into a machine that my boob is just not big enough to fit into. Her hands very cold. She manages to get it on this little platform and begins to lower this other platform down and squeezes them together. Just when you think she has lowered it as far as she can, she lowers it more. Tells me to take a deep breath and hold it. The platform releases and you are able to breath. We do this several times and then move to the next side. I think to myself that this ladies entire job is to handle other women's breast all day. If my husband would have been there he would have made a joke or asked her questions about different boobs she has seen. But I decided not to go there. I return to the waiting room while the radiologist looks at the films. Most of the time you are done and can get dressed but they always have to check with the doc first.

I sit in the waiting room, sore from what just occurred. The women that were in the waiting with me before I went in were there. Most of them were allowed to get dressed.  My nurse comes back out and lets me know we need more pictures. SERIOUSLY!! I felt right then that something must be wrong. But the nurse tried to tell me that the doctor just needed a few more pictures to make sure everything was ok. This round was more uncomfortable due to the fact I had just been squeezed a few minutes before. We take the last round of pics and she takes me back to the waiting room to wait for my ultrasound. A few minutes later she lets me know that the ultrasound tech will be out shortly to get me. She calls the next person and says "good luck". Now I had been watching and listening to how the nurses said goodbye to everyone, and I didn't like "good luck". What do I need luck for.

As my stomach grew heavier, the ultrasound tech comes and gets me. She takes me to the room and I lay down on a cold table. She lets me know that she will be taking some pics of under my arm and then will be taking some pics of one other spot that the doctor wants. I of course grow concerned and ask her "what spot is that" but she just says another spot and the doc will talk to you. Now this is where I hate techs. Don't say stuff to me if you can't give me more information. She did not need to say anything to me at all but again I lay there , in silence, as she puts jell on me and starts her ultrasound.
She finishes and says she needs to just make sure the pics turned out and leaves me in this room. The doctor returns shortly after(another sign this ain't right) and does a quick exam and then tells me to get dressed.
I get dressed and wait for my results.
I do like that you get your results right away. A nurse will come out and take you into one of two rooms. The room with the door and the room without the door. Now the room with the door reminds me of the room that hospitals take you in when they tell you that your loved one has died. So as I sit and wait, this women tries to strike up a conversation with me. Now I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to fake smile or pretend to laugh. I see her lips moving but I don't hear her words.

My name is called and I am escorted into the room with a door. I stop at the door and tell the nurse" I do not want to go into this room, I will take that one"(i point to the room without a door). She looks at me a little funny and says this will give us more privacy. I don't want privacy, I want to go home.
She closed the door and takes a seat. She starts by telling me the right side looks great. They always start with the good news first. She lets me know the left side doesn't look so great. There were some findings and tells me I need to see my Breast Surgeon.She tries to tell me that she can't tell me if its good or bad but that this is the next step. After that i hear nothing else she says. She calls to get me an appointment with the surgeon and sends me on my way. She wishes me good luck. There is that good luck again. I wanted to tell her that I didn't want her luck but I refrained myself. It wasn't her fault.

I wish I could be there for each and every women who leaves that office unsure of what the future holds for them. I am not sure exactly what I would say to them but I do believe it would help.

Now I feel like I have hit my wall. I pretty much know how this goes from here. What will come next, time will only tell.

I try to find strength from within. I try to smile as much as I can. Its hard when you don't know what is ahead of you. The waiting is the worst part. That's worse to me then anything they can tell me.

But until then, I will smile as much as I can , laugh as hard as I can and love with all my heart.

I will say that this has helped me in more ways then I thought!!!
I remember that I am blessed beyond belief!!!!