Hospitals

I have a love hate  relationship with hospitals!

Hospitals have been like a second home to me. Not really what I had in mind for a second home. I always thought maybe a place looking over the ocean or high in the mountains. 

Just walking into one gives me knots in my back and a few more grey hairs that I will need to cover up with a little hair dye. 

Now don't get me wrong, great things can happen at hospitals. My children were born in a hospital and they saved not only my sons life but mine as well. They is no greater thing then a baby being born. 

Cures happen every day at hospitals. Tumors that are impossible to get out, are taken out and a person will be able to live a life that they thought would be taken from them. 

Medicine that is not available to so many people are available and given to patients to let them live a pain free life. A longer life then what maybe they would not have been able to live without them.

Without hospitals, so many people would not be here today. Medicine, Doctors and nurses are things that I personally would not be here without and that makes them the gift!

Now on the other hand Hospitals can be your worse nightmare. They can be the place where life ends. The room they take you in to tell you that your loved one is no longer with us. 

They can be the place where a small procedure you went in for became a life threatening illness that you will forever have to live with. 

Love Hate Relationship!!!

But today I can say I love the hospital. Now it may not last for long as I have learned that the next thing is never to far away but today is a day that a hospital is my hero.

As I sat in a room waiting for my Hailey to be wheeled back to me after surgery, I couldn't help but cry after the doctor came in and told me everything went well. Relief..Joy.. Love.. It was all filling up in my heart and there was nothing but gratitude that we have this opportunity that I know so many don't.

As Hailey was waking up and she was getting ready to be discharged, she said very strongly " I don't ever want to come back here again". And I smiled and held her hand and said " we are all done here"! I hope that is true. If at least my daughter doesn't have to see the inside of a hospital for awhile that will make me one happy mother!

I should be thankful that we have the medicine available to us and I should not have hate for the hospital. And maybe its not the hospitals I hate, maybe its my bad life experiences that I have had there but I can't help but walk in and feel the knots form and the heart beat fast.

But today I will just be happy and blessed that my little girl is home resting after a successful surgery!!

Love!

Love is defined as an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. But Love is so much more then that!

True Love came into my life almost 15yrs ago. Young and wild, what was supposed to be a summer fling turned into a lifetime of love. 

When Ryan and I met, he was home for the summer from college and planning on going to Africa at the end of the summer for a year.  Neither one of us could see what would come next but it forever changed our lives. 

If I really think about it, the beginning of our relationship should have been a sign to both us as to what our life together would bring. Almost like a movie where the boy stays back from Africa so that he can help the girl through Cancer. 

When I met Ryan, I was having a recurrence of Cancer and was not given good odds. The baseball size tumor was going to be very difficult to remove and chemo would be too hard on my body to handle. Given the choice, I chose surgery and hoped for the best. A few days before Ryan was scheduled to leave for Africa, he made the decision to stay back and be with me as I endured another battle with Cancer. Little did I know that this would pretty much be the story of our life together. Him holding my hand as one health crisis after another hit. But without him , I honestly do not believe I would be here. 

We conquered that battle with flying colors and were not expecting what would come next. A miracle surprise. Cameron.  I was not supposed to be able to have children at all so Cameron coming along is what the definition of miracle is. A pregnancy that would test my body in every way and that could potentially take my life, was just another test of what our relationship was about.  This little premature baby would test us beyond belief but we were up the test. 

We got married when Cameron was almost 2. There are still discussions in our house today as to why Cameron was at our wedding and Hailey was not! But we would not have done it any other way.

As with any marriage we had our rough times. Having a child so young made us have to grow up fast. We lived with Ryan's family for 5 years while Ryan finished college and went to Law School. We bought our first house together and of course had a second child. We have worked hard on our relationship and there is nothing that we have not gone through that has not made us stronger.

I do not know for sure if Ryan knew what he was signing up for. As I tell him many times "you knew I was broken when you married me" =).. He is a strong man. He is my strength . 

I can only imagine what he has gone through over the years. I think sometimes that its harder for the him then me. I know I would not want to be in his shoes. I am not sure how I would handle it if he were to ever get sick. It's something I hope to never have to know. 

We are a great team. We support each other in every way, even when we don't always agree with the choice. 

I am pretty much an open book. If I am sad, you know it! If I am in pain, you sure as hell know it! I have never had a hard time expressing my feelings. It's a little harder with Ryan as it probably is with men. I do my best to build him up the way he builds me up. There is no greater love I feel then when he is holding my hand.

As we have watched each other grow up and mature into what I think our amazing adults, I have watched him turn into an amazing man. A wonderful father, a loving husband and a man who will save this world one person at a time. He has made me believe in myself and made me believe that no matter what obstacle we face, we will survive.

Our love has been tested beyond belief. We have gone through hell together and always land into each others arms. 

I know the road ahead will test us more then it ever has before but I also know that we can do anything as long as we have each other!


Forever can never be long enough for meTo feel like I've had long enough with youForget the world now, we won't let them seeBut there's one thing left to do
Now that the weight has liftedLove has surely shifted my way
Marry meToday and every dayMarry meIf I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you willSay you will
Together can never be close enough for meTo feel like I am close enough to youYou wear white and I'll wear out the words I love youAnd you're beautiful
Now that the wait is overAnd love and has finally showed her my way
Marry meToday and every dayMarry meIf I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you willSay you will
Promise me you'll always beHappy by my sideI promise to sing to youWhen all the music dies
And marry meToday and everydayMarry meIf I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you willSay you willMarry me


Read more: TRAIN - MARRY ME LYRICS 

Waiting...Waiting...

I am anything but a patient person so waiting is never easy for me.

When you take your driving test , you know right away if you passed or not. Why can't everything be like that. Instant results. 

As all the testing has begun yet again for me so does the waiting. Every time the phone rings I jump to answer it hoping for answers on the other end. Every test I get I watch the nurses faces to see if they have a facial expression that will give me answers. Every bump and bruise on my body I look at differently while I wait for what will come next.

Today I woke up feeling like me again. My body still hurts and is still recovering but I am doing my best to get back to my old routine. But as I try and get back into that routine, I feel hindered by the unanswered questions. And until the results are in, it's hard to fully get back into routine. Do I get myself fully up so that I can be knocked down again?

My daughter came into my room the other night in tears because she was upset that all these things keep happening to me. Now she is 9. 9 going on 30 I think sometimes. But as I tried to calm her down I answered my own question. Of course I get myself fully back up, I have no other choice. I will pick myself back up and return to active duty =) .. Because I need to be the example to my children that life will knock you on your ass but that when it does , you get back up.

The waiting will never go away. Even when all this is done and over, there will be more waiting. Waiting for the next thing to hit. It may not be something life threatening but something will come and we will be waiting again.

There's the quote "Good things happen to those who wait", well here's hoping that this wait brings good news!!

Abnormal!

Abnormal has pretty much been my middle name since I can remember. Do I really need another doctor telling me that!

The definition of Abnormal is not typical , regular or usual; not normal.

I was surprised to not see my name under examples when I looked up the definition =)!

I would like to think that abnormal would only describe the medical part of my life but I am sure others(my husband) would argue with that! And I would probably agree with it as well that I am anything but normal!

I think there are times that I forget that I am not the norm. That I can't go to the doctor and walk out of there the same as when i walked in. Something makes me walk in there thinking its just a routine appointment and that I will feel better when I leave the office. But I am so quickly reminded when I am escorted to a procedure room and sliced and dug into to remove what can only be described as "abnormal"!

Another "abnormal" mass removed from my groin and a handful of lymph nodes removed and I find myself recuperating again. Not sure what is worse. Being cut into or having to lay around , not able to do much. It can make a person go crazy after awhile. I am sure if you ask my husband he would not argue with you on that =)!

But after I get over the shock and the small pity party that I throw for myself I realize that being abnormal isn't a bad thing. It's my normal!

I have to except me with all my lumps, bumps and scars and not let it bring me down. My husband said something to me last night that really struck me. He said "I have really missed you". It made me realize that I allow these things to not just lay me up but break my spirit too. My spirit is what will heal me. I need to find a way to find that spirit quicker next time because there will be a next time. There always is. But how you go into is what makes the difference!


"Living is Abnormal"

5 Stages of Grief!

Losing someone you love is never easy. 

Even when you know that it is coming, it doesn't make it any easier. 

Young , old, sick or unexpected, death hits you hard and you are left to deal with all the feelings that come with it.

Denial

    It is so easy to deny that you have lost someone. The days that follow the death of a loved one are the days that I think you deny it the most. You are dealing with so much so quickly that i think it doesn't really even hit you that you have lost this person that was so important to you. You are busy with the details of the funeral and what will be done with this and that that it's easier to deny that this is even happening then it is to realize that you lost someone you love. I think it's easier to deny it then to really face the fact that you will never see your loved on again.

Anger
    I think it's healthy to get angry. Getting angry doesn't mean that you don't love this person. It's a sign that you are hurting and trying to process this death. Angry because maybe it wasn't their time. I am sorry to say but I really hate the saying " it was their time". I don't care how old or sick one is, I am not a fan of that saying. I do not believe one should suffer at ALL but it's not someone else's place to say when someone else's time to leave this earth is.

Bargaining
    "If I do this, will you take away this pain?" Bargaining with God. If I stay busy enough and do this and that, maybe the pain I feel in my heart will go away.
I think this can be one of the hardest things to deal with.  I know just in everyday life when I try to keep my mind off certain things I try and stay as busy as I can but when life finally catches up with me, it hits me like a ton of bricks.  Nothing takes that pain away except to face it.

Depression
   Death is sad. There is no way around that. Nothing can bring that person back. Nothing can fill that spot in your heart that they filled.  You almost feel numb. The realization of it all hits you and there is nothing but sadness that hits you.
  

Acceptance

   There is no order, but usually Acceptance is the final stage of grief. When the realization of it all hits you and you finally accept it. You don't love them any less and you will think of them everyday but you finally accept that this is the new normal and that it is ok. And that some day you will see them again. You will still have days when you are sad and missing them will never go away but you will start to have less tears and more smiles again.


When you lose a loved one it always makes you look at life differently. It makes you not want to take life for granted. It makes you want to treasure every minute of every day!

For everyone who has ever lost someone or has watched a loved one suffer the lose of a loved one, my heart goes out to you all.

Treasure today!!

Everyday is a gift!! 

Doctors,Hospitals and Drugs oh My!!

What a way to start the new year off! 

I am hoping that if sickness comes into the house now, it means we are done for the year. Here's hoping at least.

Being sick yourself is hard enough, but having sick kids is even harder. And I hate to say that my kids are taking after me but I think they are taking after me in that they can't do sickness the easy way. They must go to the extreme. Flu is not the flu if you don't end up in the hospital with more issues. A cough is not a cough unless it turns into pneumonia. You don't really have a fever until it hits 103. Almost like they think we wont take them serious until they end up in the hospital!

Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. It brings so much happiness and joy into my life. Happiness that only a child can bring. It can also be the hardest job in the world. It can take every ounce of energy and emotion out of you and you have no choice but to keep going.

It is never easy to see your child sick but I do remember when my kids were little and they would be sick and would just want to cuddle with me all day. I always wanted them to get better but I never wanted that moment to fully end either. My 9 yr daughter will still cuddle up with me when she is sick but it comes with a little more drama now. My 13 yr old will only hold my hand now when he is sick and that only last  a few minutes.

Our son was in the hospital this last week and it was very hard to see him in that situation. It's hard to see any child in the hospital but its always different with your own. When my daughter was in the hospital this past summer with her broken leg, she would want me to lay with her and tell her its going to be ok. With my son it was hard because hes a 13 yr old boy. Cuddling with mom is not on the top of his list. The fear in his eyes was real and as with any parent, I just wanted to take it away. He is home now and feeling better. He again has an opinion on everything and doesn't want to do anything without a fight so I would say he has fully recovered=)!

My daughter must have been feeling left out because she decided it was her turn to come down with pneumonia. You know its bad when the doctors and pharmacist know you by first name. I almost felt like I should get them a Christmas gift =) !

No matter what age and no matter what sickness it is, as a parent you just want to be able to kiss it and make it all better. And when you can't, its very hard. But I must say that it does make me slow down. It makes me stop and really open my eyes. I hate that it has to take my child getting sick for m to stop but at least something good comes out of it. I am trying to learn to stop and smell the roses before I am forced to.

I can cuddle with my kids when they are not sick.

I can stop everything for the day any day.

I can stop and smell the roses with my kids any day I want.

I just have to remember that.

I hope your family is happy and healthy today and the rest of the year!

A New Year is Here!

Where did 2012 go?

 Seems like just yesterday we were celebrating the end of 2011. 

2012 is not a year that I am sad to see go. Seems like the more people I talk to feel the same way. 2013 has to be better then 2012, right?

Now I should try and be more positive. I shouldn't let all the bad things of 2012 take over the entire year. I am alive. My kids are healthy(finally). My marriage is strong. My family is close. So I try and keep that in my head when I think of 2012. 

I know 2013 will bring a world of change to my life. Change is a part of life. It can be scary. It can be unknown. A new year always brings new doors to open. New chances to take. New adventures to take. 

Change is really what a new years resolution is. Changing something in your life that you want to make better. No matter what it is, it is change.  Change for the better. 

It's time to not give up on life. To look at the good. To take life as it comes and not worry about what you can't control. 

I know that 2013 will not be all sunshine and rainbows, but I do hope for a few less rain clouds!

Happy New Year! Make it Count!