National Cancer Survivor's Day!

"With hope, the odds don't matter."

                                                 Happy National Cancer Survivor's Day!

Today is a day I never take for granted. 22 years ago cancer came into my life and has been a persistent shadow that follows me ever since. It likes to pop its ugly head up every once in awhile and has yet to learn who it is dealing with. So today is a day to celebrate the survivor's, remember those that we have lost along the way and give hope to those in the fight.

Life is too damn short to not celebrate. In an instant life can change and so it is important to take that time and enjoy life to the fullest. Today is an emotional day for me because I was told on Friday that another round of treatment is coming my way. When I got the phone call, it was as if I had been punched in the stomach. It hurt and left a bruise (nothing that 4 martinis couldn't fix... thanks my girls=))but bruises heal and the hurt turns into hope. And life goes on.

I am asked all the time how I stay so strong and positive. How I continue to fight on. How I deal with it all. My answer is an easy one and an impossible one at the same time. You see this is my life. The good, the bad and the ugly. I do not know any different. I do not know a life without cancer. I mean I can go back to before I was 15 but not many people like to go back to that age and I am definitely one of those people. Cancer is apart of who I am. It does not define me but it has helped mold me into the person I am today. It has tested me in ways I never knew existed. It has tried over and over again to knock me on my ass. It has taken body parts, my hair, and my ability to eat most foods. BUT none of that matters. You don't really even need all your body parts. Hair grows back. I have never had to diet (sorry but I play the C card if that pisses you off). Avocados really are the best food out there and I believe I started the big craze with them! So if you look at it that way, my life is pretty fucking awesome!

Now lets be real! I am not strong and positive 100% of the time. I'm human. No one is capable of that. I get pissed off and sad and I have to find a way to get up off the ground. But it's those moments that make me stronger. When I'm sitting on the floor of my closet, with my face in my hands and tears coming down my face, its those moments that seem impossible to get up from but at the same time its those moments that light a fire under my ass and gives me the strength to fight on. Hope comes in and the tears dry up and before I know it I am standing on my feet stronger then ever.

I hold onto hope always! If there is anything I always tell people who are dealing with this awful disease is to NEVER lose hope. Hope is every where. I feel hope when I wake up in the morning. I see hope in my husband, in my kids and in my family and friends. I feel hope when someone is given a clean bill of health. I hold on to hope when another friend is diagnosed. Hope is the only thing stronger then fear.

Sooooooooo...... Today....... We say FUCK YOU Cancer! Today we celebrate everyone who has been touched by cancer. We celebrate the survivors. We remember those we have lost. We give hope and strength to those fighting. We celebrate our families and friends who have been there every step of the way. Today we do not let cancer knock us down! Today AND everyday we show cancer just how strong we are.

   Rachel Platten- Fight Song

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

What Cancer Cannot Do.....

"A Strong person is not the one who doesn't cry. A strong person is the one who cries and sheds tears for a moment, then gets up and fights again."

I'm a big believer in living by the "What Cancer Cannot do" saying. It has always been something that I lean on and go to when life is kicking my ass. Being 8 weeks into treatment I gotta say that I feel like I'm getting my ass kicked. And if you know me, I am not one to go down without one hell of a fight. So I'm taking my own advise and I am reminding myself What Cancer cannot do! Because this girl is done! I'm done letting cancer have a say! I'm done letting cancer knock me down! I'm done letting cancer think that it has a place in this house! I'm done letting cancer believe that it can win!

There are so so many things that cancer can take...It can take my hair. My appetite. Most foods that I love. Most of my body parts(you would be surprised what a body can run on). It can take my energy and my sleep. It can turn life upside down. BUT................

CANCER CANNOT ....

It cannot cripple love....
            "Love is not something you go out and look for. Love finds you, and when it does, ready or not, It'll be the best thing to ever happen to you."
            
It cannot shatter hope...
               "Never stop believing in hope because miracles happen everyday!"

It cannot dissolve faith...
              "Keep your head up. God gives his hardest battles to His strongest soldiers."

It cannot destroy peace...
               "Peace begins with a smile."

It cannot kill friendship...
                  "When someone has cancer, the whole family and everyone who loves them does too."

It cannot suppress memories...
                "The best things in life are the people you love, the places you've seen, and the memories you've made along the way."

It cannot silence courage...
             "Courage doesn't mean you don't get afraid. Courage means you don't let fear stop you."

It cannot invade the soul...
              "Do what makes your soul shine."

It cannot steal eternal life...
              "Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great and strong purpose in your heart..."

It cannot conquer the spirit...
             "I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me."


This is a reminder to everyone fighting, everyone supporting a fighter and everyone who has lost a loved one to cancer, that there is always hope and to hang on to it for dear life. Because without it the fight is much harder and it does not need to be any harder then it already is.

Love....

"A strong person is not the one who doesn't cry. A strong person is the one who cries and sheds tears for a moment, then gets up and fights again. "

I started today struggling. 2 weeks into a new round of treatment, my body and emotions are not making life easy. Not that life is really ever easy but it never helps when you feel like shit. So I sat in my chair, took my 2 minutes that I allow myself to have every once in awhile and cried. Now I couldn't necessarily tell you exactly what I cried about. Maybe it was because I felt like shit. Maybe it was a small pity party. Maybe it was a "why me" or a "why him" moment. Maybe it was thinking of friends who are dealing with cancer right now. Maybe it was that my hair is slowing falling out. Maybe it was being overwhelmed with life. Maybe it was a happy cry. Maybe it was feeling so loved by family and friends. Maybe it was lack of sleep or my 2 cosmos last night. Who knows.... But whatever it was, it made me stop and think about the amount of love I have in my life.

We all have bad days. That's part of life. Some are worse then others but I have always tried ( I repeat try) to take my bad days and get something positive out of them. So with today being Valentines Day (cheesy I know) I thought I would tell you what love is to me!

Love is....

Always being there... In good times and bad.

Letting me cry and be unreasonable for 2 minutes...

Offering help... even when I have a hard time taking it.

Listening...

Making me smile and even laugh...

Sitting with me even if no words are said...

Sending messages just to say hello...

Having drinks with me when the world has been to much...

My daughter putting her head on my shoulder... even if it only last for a second.

My son saying I love you back to me...

Letting my bitch...

Excepting me for who I am...

Allowing me to speak freely.... even if it might have a some bad words involved...ok maybe a lot of bad words.

Knowing that cancer is hard even if you don't fully get it...

Allowing me to tell my story...
Doing the dishes...
Making dinner...

Coming together as a community and fighting alongside you...

Walking beside me and getting me to the finish line...

Holding my hand...

Making me feel beautiful even with all my scars...

Living with me...

Letting me feel positive when I feel like shit...

Helping me make the best out of life...

Fighting this fight with me...

Standing with me...

Giving me hope when I have started to lose mine...

Treating me normal(what ever normal is) and not as cancer girl...
Giving me words of hope to look at everyday...
The pure joy you get when the bell is finally wrung...
A cosmo and some sweet potato fries...
Is being yourself...
Being a rock for someone...
Holding me up when I can no longer stand...
Family... near and far...
Friends...near and far...
Crying together...
Laughing together...
Dreaming together...
Hoping together....
Never giving up....

So I must say that after reading this over, I can't help but smile and I can't help but feel strong. I don't understand why certain things happen in this world or why horrible things happen to amazing people but I do know that anything is possible to overcome when you are surrounded by love. I thank each and every one of you for loving me for me and all that comes with me! =)

             What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

37......

                                 "Life is too short to be lived counting the years.
                          Just enjoy the ride and make awesome memories...."

I am not exactly sure how I feel about turning 37 but I am attempting to look on the bright side and not remind myself that turning 37 just means I am closer to 40 (which I told Ryan I better be on beach with a drink in my hand for that one)!

Birthdays always make me stop and take a moment to reflect on my life. My 37 years of life. Some good, some bad. Some freaking awesome and some I wouldn't want to ever do again. Some memorable and some I hope to forget some day. Some magical and some sad. Some life changing and some that have changed me forever. Some that make me laugh and some that make me cry just thinking of them.  But no matter what they are, I wouldn't change a thing. This is my life. A life that has blessed me more then I thought ever possible. A life that has challenged me. A life that has tested my beliefs. A life that I do not take for granted. I life I wasn't sure I would get to live out so today I celebrate!

Sooo...... I thought I would share with you 37 quotes that have gotten me through 37 years of life

1. "Live life to the fullest because it only happens ONCE!"

2. "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all."

3. "She has been through Hell. So believe me when I say, fear her when she looks into a fire and smiles."

4. "Maybe life isn't about avoiding the bruises. Maybe it's about collecting scars to prove we showed up for it."

5. "No regrets in life. Just lessons learned."

6. "To the world you may be one person: but to one person you may be the world."

7. " It's not what we have in life, but who we have in our life that matters."

8. " Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

9. " Cancer may have started the fight, But I will finish it."

10. "Your illness does not define you. Your strength and courage does."

11. " Friends become our chosen Family."

12. "When you can't look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark."

13. "This house runs on love, laughter and a while lot of coffee."

14. "Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations."

15. "You're allowed to scream, you're allowed to cry, but do not give up."

16. "Be a strong woman. So your daughter will have a role model and your son will know what to look for in a woman when he's a man."

17. " A strong marriage requires two people who choose to love each other even on those days when they struggle to like each other."

18. "Hope is the only thing stronger than fear."

19. "I want to inspire people... I want someone to look at me and say because of you I didn't give up."

20. "Life is better when your laughing."

21. "I'm not arguing.... I'm simply explain why I am right!"

22. "Alcohol! Because no great story EVER began with a salad..."

23. " When life puts you in tough situations, don't say "Why me" say "Try me"!"

24. "Please, don't be a bitch to me. Because then I'll have to be a bitch back, and I can do it better than you."

25. "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

26. "No one knows and will know how hard it was and still is."

27. "Never stop believing in Hope because miracles happen everyday."

28. "A smile is the best make-up a girl can wear!"

29. "Scars are tattoos with better stories."

30. "She believed she could, so she did!"

31."She stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails."

32. "If I can do cancer, I can do anything."

33. "Life is too short to waste on negative people, boring books or decaf coffee."

34. "Don't half ass anything. Whatever you do, always use your full ass.!"

35. "Use your smile to change the world, don't let the world change your smile."

36. "Don't forget to tell your favorite people that you love them."

37. " Live for Today... Because yesterday has been and gone And tomorrow may never come."

Thank you to each and every one of you who have made not only this birthday but the last 36 special. I would not be here today without each and every one of you. I never know what the year will bring but I am ready to take it on and make each and every day count!

The end of a chapter.....

                                             " I am a living statistic

                                                that shows that money

                                                raised for breast cancer

                                                research does something.

                                                 If it was not for the

                                                 different medications and

                                                 studies out there,

                                                 I might not be here

                                                 today to tell me story. "

                                           
 I walked and finished my 9th Susan G Komen 3-day, 60 mile walk last week and it was a weekend filled with laughter, tears, blisters, and memories to last a lifetime. Preparing for the walk never gets easier if you ask me. No matter how many times you have done it in the past, the idea of walking 60 miles in 3 days is never easy to prepare for. Now it doesn't help that my body was not allowing me to really train for this walk but I am not sure even if my body was up for it, if I would have really trained anyways. I don't think there is really any full way to prepare yourself to walk that far in 3 days. Especially if you add some nice rain to the mix too!

Coming into this 9th walk was a little different then years past. I came into this walk knowing(thinking) that this would be my last walk. And anyone who knows me knows what a huge part of my life is dedicated to this walk. What this walk means to me. What this walk has given me and most of all what this walk has helped me heal from. So going into this walk knowing it would be my last was emotional to say the least.

Nothing gets your emotions going better then opening ceremonies. A time when we all come together and realize that we are all here for the very same reason. That we all have a part in this. That we have all been affected by cancer. That we have all given all we can to be here together. It's a time to celebrate those who have beaten cancer. A time to hold the hands of those fighting it. And a time to remember and honor those we have lost. You are surrounded by people just like you who have walked many walks before and then you are also surrounded by people who are out there for the very first time which gives me such great joy and comfort because I know it's ok to let. They will carry on this walk for me.

So off we went walking... Just a small 20 mile walk to get us warmed up for what day 2 had in store for us. RAIN! And we all know how I feel about rain. We got lucky with day 1 that no really rain came our way so it's only logical that day 2 would be filled with rain and a nice breeze to go along with it. Now I would like to tell you that we smile through the rain and we make the best out of it but that would be a big fat lie! We bitch, we cry and we bust ass to get to the end. I always love seeing all the pictures of people walking and smiling and wonder if they are posing or if they really are just that happy in the rain. Now don't get me wrong, we really do laugh along the way and we know that the rain we are walking in is nothing compared to cancer but it still sucks! I always like to tell people that they are allowed to bitch about the small things. Not everything has to be as big as cancer(and I believe I can say that because cancer and I are pretty damn close). We all have something and at mile 10 on day 2, we had rain!

The 3rd day is always the hardest. Not only have you already walked over 40 miles(and that is enough if you ask me) but you know that this walk is coming to an end. And as much as your body hurts and your blisters are popping, you feel a sadness in your heart that is hard to put into words.
But But But...... We had sunshine so that always helps.

                                       

This walk came into my life at a time that I needed it most but didn't really even know it. When I walked my very first walk while undergoing treatment, I did not realize the healing that my body and soul would get from walking 60 miles. And now today I believe that I wouldn't be in the place I am at today without it.

This walk has allowed me to be myself (which is debatable if that's a good thing or a bad thing=)). But in all seriousness it has allowed me to be cancer girl without feeling like cancer girl. It has allowed me to share my story and give hope to those still fighting. It has given me the strength to never give up the fight, It has allowed me to meet some amazing people and build some amazing friendships. It brought Lori and Kim into my life and has built a friendship that I would be lost without. It has allowed me to be a role model for my kids. That no matter what, we will never give up. It has enabled me to raise thousands of dollars for research. Research that I would not be here without. It has allowed me look past the pain, look past the hurt, look past the fear and look towards the future with more hope then ever before.
                                                   


So I end this journey with tears in my eyes but peace in my heart. I believe that it takes an extremely strong person to know when its time to let go. And even though I could push myself to continue this amazing walk, I know and feel that this is my time to end this chapter and move on to the next. This body isn't getting any younger but my fight is stronger then ever before,



I can not thank each and every one of you enough. Many of you have been with me since the very beginning and I could not have done this without you. Your love and support has gotten me through every mile. To my donors, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Not only have your donations allowed me to walk but they have helped with many breakthroughs in the fight against cancer. Thank you. To my friends who have been there every step of the way, thank you. It is impossible to put into words what your support and your love has done for me. I would never make it to the end without you. Thank you <3.  To my amazing family who has traveled near and far to be apart of this journey with me, thank you. Your smiles, love, support, time, signs, letters, and cupcakes are greatly appreciated and I don't know how we would do it without you. Thank you!

So as I end this chapter and start a new one, please know I am stronger then ever before. I will continue to share my story and spread as much hope as I possibly can. This fight is far from over but I know that these last 8 years, 9 walks, 540 miles walked will continue to strengthen me every step of the way.


                        "Without the rain there would be no rainbows!"

" I'm Great! "

      " I am here today, and today I would rather smile than cry."

Friend- "How are you doing/feeling?"
Me- "I'm great!" (smile)

So obviously this is a question that is asked on a daily basis! As it is to everyone I am sure. It's a normal question to ask when you see someone you know. And for me the response is always the same... "I'm great!"

Now of course to say that I am doing great all the time is a very false statement but it doesn't mean that you won't get the same answer from me. And that answer isn't just for you. It is for me too.

There is a coping mechanism that comes with cancer. And it can only really be fully understood by those with cancer but I do believe that when a loved one gets cancer, in a way everyone gets cancer. So I think it is important to know that there is no rule book on how to deal with cancer and there is no right and wrong way to cope with it either. There is just the way that works for you.

I have been dealing with cancer for over 20 years and will hopefully be dealing with it for another 50. Because dealing with it means I'm still here. Once you get cancer, it follows you the rest of your life but it's a small price to pay for a life worth fighting for.

Each and every time I hear another story about someone getting cancer, it feels as if I have been punched in the stomach. It's a feeling that I can relate to but wish I couldn't but am glad I do because maybe, just maybe, I can do a little something to make that person smile.

Now when I'm asked how I am doing, I could tell you the dark side of it. I could tell you that there is not a day that I don't feel tired, or nauseous or that something doesn't hurt. I could tell you all the things I miss doing and eating. I could tell you what an emotional toll it puts on myself and my family. I could tell you how much I hate cancer and hate what it has taken from me. BUT what good is that. It's real, yes! It's the truth, yes! But just in writing those words, I feel worse. And I guarantee you don't feel any better either!

So I would rather be "Great" then any of those things... Because when I hear the words come out of my mouth, I feel better. There is an enormous amount of strength that you get by not letting cancer take over your life. Even when it's doing everything it can on the inside to destroy you, your strength and your hope is more powerful.

There are things I have learned to just deal with. They suck and can be unpleasant and not really fair if you ask me but there is nothing that is going to change that. At least not in the near future. So instead I adjust my sails and live life. I do not let anything stop me from doing what I want and what I love. I don't want to live with limitations. Now I do have to be smart about it (which I'm a little stubborn so that's not always easy) but I have not let 20 years of cancer win yet and I don't plan on letting it ever win!

So I will leave you with this.... Live life. Do not set limitations for yourself. Do what you love and be with those you love. Some times the greatest gift you can give someone is time. Time listening. Time talking. Time in silence. Time doing absolutely nothing but being present. Time just being "great".


          "Through the pain and the struggle, Yeh I still smile."

8 years ago......

                                 "Breast Cancer changes you, and the change can be beautiful."

I can remember the day as if it was yesterday. It was a sunny and cool March day spent cuddled inside on the couch, wrapped in a warm, fuzzy blanket. I was still in quite a bit of pain from the surgery a few days before and was patiently (or not so patiently) waiting for the doctor to call me back to give me a new pain medicine that would hopefully make me a little more comfortable. So when the phone rang, I could feel my entire body relax knowing that some pain relief was coming my way. Not knowing that this would actually be the phone call that would bring me a pain that I would carry with me the rest of my life.

Now having had cancer a few times before, you would think that maybe it would get easier to hear. At least not knock the wind out of you. But in reality, it is the complete opposite. Hearing "you have cancer"..."again" only gets harder. I remember hanging up the phone and can honestly say I do not even know if I got new pain meds because at that point there was no medicine that was going to take away the pain that I was feeling in that moment. I sat speechless. Numb. I could feel my heart beating in my chest and wondered if it was actually possible for your heart to beat so hard that it just comes right out of your chest. But it was beating and that was comforting to me in that moment.

Breast Cancer hit me hard. It was a personal hard for me. See at that time I had already had a full hysterectomy and was in full menopause (Not fun let me tell you). So the thought that Breast Cancer could take the last of my womanhood was terrifying to me. Now if you ask me now, I would let them take anything and everything they could but I do believe that is something you have to be ready for. And at that time in my life I was not ready. My body had been through hell and back and it was just trying to survive day to day. As was my mind.

Breast Cancer invaded my body but it also lite a fire in me. Two months before I was diagnosed, I had signed up for my first Susan G Komen 3-day, 60 mile walk. I wanted to give back and I wanted to make a difference. At the time, I didn't know why I was so drawn to this particular walk but I learned very quickly why I was. Having finished my first 60 mile walk while undergoing treatment, it only gave me more strength. A strength that has gotten me to where I am today. A strength that has given me a platform to tell my story and touch lives. A strength that I am forever thankful for. A strength that I hope I had without Breast Cancer but a strength that Breast Cancer helped me see..

March 6th, 2008 is a day that I will never forget. But it is also a day that I celebrate how far I have come. Having just gotten off another round of treatment, my body is healing and building strength again. I do not know what the months ahead will hold but what I do know is that it's important to celebrate milestones. It's those milestones that give you the strength to never give up.

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2016/TwinCitiesEvent2016?px=1330784&pg=personal&fr_id=1958