Reminded why...

 " Hope is the only thing stronger than fear."

 There is not a day that goes by that cancer is not on my mind. It starts the second I get out of bed and ends when I lay my head on my pillow at night. It could be a pain I feel just from getting out of bed. It could be the scars I see when I am getting dressed. It could be pushing myself  too hard through out the day. It could be excepting my limitations. It could be the doctors appointments and needles going in and out of my body. Whatever it is, for me, it is always present. 

I am able to help so many people through their cancer journey. To be honest, I wish it was talk about the weather or boys over cancer, but that is not the world we live in. We live in a world with cancer and we must do everything we can to fight and end it. So I am honored and blessed to be able to touch the lives of so many. I have met some amazing people along the way who I am beyond blessed to call friends. But even I can be shaken.

My mama likes to keep me on my toes, that's for sure! She is a young 75yr old woman who has had her shares of ups and downs. The most recent over the past few years, is Alzheimer's. But over her 75yrs of life, she has had polio as a child. Post Polio as an adult, a few heart things and the normal life moments that can make and break you. But she has not been broken yet. Sometimes I struggle to see the mom who has been there for me for 45 years, but I know she is still in there. I just have to dig a little deeper these days to see her. And to watch her lose a little bit of herself, is extremely hard but she does it with a smile and maybe a little edge. So when she went in for her annual mammogram, I was expecting nothing more than the normal aggravation of another doctor's appointment. But because life likes to throw some curve balls, we got a little more that we were anticipating. 

My mom has dense breast. Yes, you are welcome for more information than you probably wanted. But the facts are the facts my friends. =)  So going in, you know that some additional testing may be needed. And we take it as it comes. But this time was a bit different. Not only did her dense tissue cause some issues, but the 6mm and 4 mm "masses" they found in her breast were anything but normal. So more testing and more imaging and biopsy is what the next steps were. But as we all love how the amazing health care systems work, we had to wait a few weeks to get in and see what was going on. 

As we waited for my mom to get her test done, the waiting game started. Which means, the worry started. My mom, of course not fazed but more annoyed with more test, took in what she could. You see, with Alzheimer's, this kind of thing can be hard to understand and to process. She can ask a lot of questions and not understand the answers but over time, she processes it. I can only imagine what it is like inside that head of hers with so much going on. 

Now I hate to fucking wait! Especially for anything medical! I know to much. I have been through too much. Cancer is my thing. You don't get to mess with my peeps. But as I started to process the what if's, I wondered how I was going to handle this if this came back cancer for her. What do I tell her? What do I do? How to comfort her when she has so much going on daily? How to I handle this with my own health struggles? What do I tell her is going on? How do I take this off her plate?  All the questions and fears that go through your head when you hear the word "cancer."

So the day finally comes and we get her in for her testing. And it takes for fucking ever!!!!!! And I have never been a good waiting room person. I am the patient normally and that is how I like it. Waiting rooms and me are not friends. And the longer it takes, the more my mind goes. I have been through the testing of breast cancer and gotten the devastating news that it is cancer. I know how long and short test should take if everything was good or bad. I know this process. And I obviously couldn't be in the room with her, but I didn't want her confused in any of the moments or not know what was going on. So the wait felt like a lifetime. But out she comes, 90 minutes later, very happy that is done and over with. And of course says " Don't know why I had to go through all that Kristine". She loves to call my Kristine when she is not very happy.  But she was tired and been through a bunch so I let this one slide this time.

So the wait begins for results....

A glimpse of my overflowing glass full mom came out and she was not worried about the results at all. I on the other hand, was terrified.

While waiting for results, I was honored enough to be able to attend Band for one. A concert 100% benefiting Susan G Komen and hosted by Trisha Yearwood. What a night of music but the stories and the support that was present that night, was overwhelming and amazing. Having not only my own story with cancer, but also being at event about breast cancer while waiting to hear if my mom did too, was emotional and overwhelming. I was reminded why I continue to fight. Why I continue to walk. Why I continue to try and make an impact. Why I continue to support Susan G Komen.

Friday morning the phone call came in with my moms results. Complex breast cyst with thickening walls and mass. Well say that a few times. It is not cancer but it has a risk of becoming cancer. Normally they would surgically remove it and do more testing to see if it is cancer, but with her Alzheimer's, everything is a little more complicated and risky. So we are going to monitor it closely and retest in a couple of months and see if there are changes. If there are, we go from there. If there is no change, that is another win for us for the time being. There are many many many layers to cancer and the process and everything. Being her care taker can be a lot because every decision is important and effects her life. But I am grateful I get to walk this journey with her. And I am grateful for the medical team taking my mom into full consideration and not putting her through anything that she doesn't have to. 

So for this Monday, March 31st, we take this as a win and we are grateful for the how far medicine has come over the years. I was diagnosed in 2008 with Breast Cancer and I was only 28. Things have changed and developed so much. Even when I was first diagnosed with cancer at 15, it is like night and day people. And that is because we are all still fighting. We are researching. We are developing. We are doing all we can with what we have.  

I am reminded how everything can change in a second. And this is coming from someone who's life changes often within seconds. Sometimes with a warning and sometimes you feel like you never knew it was coming. I am grateful that the world knows my mama has enough on her plate and you leave that cancer stuff to me.

There are so many organizations that help. Susan G Komen has had its ups and downs with me but this is an organization I will continue to support and I will continue to walk. This is an event that brought me back to life. Medicine might help in making me strong enough to walk, but the people on this walk and the people I meet along the way and the people I help along the way, is what gives me strength.

So in honor of my mama, I am asking for your support once again. My mama is going to be 75 this June. So I thought I would try and get 75 people to donate $75 dollars.  We all know what it feels like to lose someone and to watch someone fight.  So I am asking for your love, support and maybe a little money to honor my mama and honor where I got some of my fight from.  Without her, I would not be here today.

https://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2024/20253Day?px=8070701&pg=personal&fr_id=2323&fbclid=IwY2xjawJXzoNleHRuA2FlbQIxMAABHR9iIFqa1D459Pif-p8pq4IMGy-RQIEK0GlIXrxsRnJJ2FstXbq3aJ-L_w_aem_wezniu3a3FYU53Ffo2ZizA

Thank you for your continued love and support.  And make sure you check those boobies!

Dallas recap...another 60 miles done!

 "We don't know how strong you are,

until being strong is the only choice we have."

Dallas, you brought us more than we could have ever expected. Highest of highs and the lowest of lows. But, damn it, we did it!

Going into this walk, my body and health was not 100% but when is it ever, if you ask me! But this one was a little harder than others. Coming off of a not so great doctors appointment in New York, I went into this walk knowing it would challenging and emotional. I knew I may not be able to do it all but was going to try to do what I could and try and listen to my body. Which we all know is not something I do well! And as much as I needed to listen to my body, I needed to walk this walk. I asked my girls to help me get there and they did not fail! Which I knew they would have me but this weekend, they had me and my peeps in ways that I will forever be grateful!

This walk was already going to be emotional because we were doing the last walk of a dear friend. He has walked 35 walks and when I meet him in 2008, he forever changed my life. We both spoke at camp that year. Him talking about the loss of his beautiful wife and me telling my cancer fight. So us girls traveled to Dallas to share this amazing moment with him. And through the streets of Dallas and Fort Worth, we brought the laughter, the tears, the inappropriate and memories every step of the way. I am forever grateful to be able to share this walk with him.

As we reunited with all of our peeps, it was as if not time had passed. We just picked up right where we left off and the bond only grew stronger as we walked another 60 miles. We could have never expected what was going to come our way, over those 3 days but together, we held on to each other tightly and never let go.

So many people ask me why I walk and why Susan G Komen. I know everyone has their own opinion and views on what Komen is and does. And you are all allowed to have that. But this walk has always had a special place in my heart and is definitely one of the reasons I am here today. What I didn't know, was what this walk could mean even more to me and provide a strength and purpose in ways you don't understand until you are walking the walk.

I was beyond happy to see friends who also came to Dallas for the same reasons. To walk and to say goodbye to a dear friend. But what we never expected was that along those 3 days, another dear friend would lose her sister, to breast cancer, while walking. Take a moment and process that. The unimaginable. The UNFKNBLVBL happened. And we got to be there during that moment. We got to walk with a bigger purpose than ever before. We got to actively do something while the worst was happening to her and her family. The emotions ran hard to say the least. I was honored and blessed to have met this beautiful sister in San Diego and to say she had an infectious smile and strength, is putting it mildly. She walked, raised money, raised awareness while having breast cancer. THAT IS WHY WE WALK!

We walked as the sun began to rise. A mist coming down. A chill in the air but the spirits were high. We walked through neighborhoods where to many halloween directions were still up. Where the sidewalks were uneven. Where statues of animals became our friends. Where the stores had pink ribbons on their windows to show their support. Where survivors, fighters and kids came out with signs of encouragement. 

We held hands. Laughed more than I have ever laughed before. Cried more than ever before. Held onto the moments we know won't last forever. We gathered together after spending the day walking together to share those moments. Cheersed each other with a few drinks ( or more than a few at times) and made sure to cheers to the ones that couldn't be with us. 

We surrounded ourselves in a pink bubble where you were excepted for exactly who you are. Each of us came to this walk for different reasons, but at the end, we were all there for the same reason. We were not individuals or separate teams, we were one family. And though the goodbyes were hard, we are all still together.

I am fortunate and blessed to have this gift of cancer. Sounds fucked up, doesn't it? Well, it is what it is peeps. Having fought cancer since I was 15, I have learned a few things along the way and for me, there has to be a reason I get to not only still be here, but a reason I got cancer in the first place. And that is to help others who unfortunately hear the words " you have cancer". The worst words and they never get easier to hear. I should expect to hear "cancer" when I got to the doctor. But it never gets easier.                  

But, I am able to help others going through this shitty disease. And I hate to be good at this particular thing, but I have been able to help those going through cancer. I have been able to guide them in a direction. I have been able to cry and scream with them. I have been able to celebrate the successes and I have been able to help them transition to the other side. It can can a toll on the emotions and bring my own health to the surface. A health I like to bury as much as I can but is healthy to deal with. This is my purpose. My reason. My heart. And the friends I have made along the way, are life changing. Some I have lost along the way and some get I get to celebrate the milestones with. But all in my heart for sure.

So I want to take this time to thank everyone who supported me. Without you, I couldn't do this. The donations, the texts, calls and letters sent our way during this weekend, gave me the strength to keep going. Hearing from those near and far, I am forever grateful.

To my girls, I couldn't do this without you. You allow me to be me. Crazy, loud, scared, sad, happy, funny and as I am. I am forever grateful.

To my dear friend, I do not have words. So I will say " see you soon and I love and thank you!"

To my other dear friend, your strength, courage and purpose will be something I will forever hold on to. Being able to share this moment and be there for you, is something I will forever hold on to. You are stuck with us now! =)

To Kim, I can't thank you enough for continuing to do this walk with me. The moments we share and experience everyday and then to be able to do this walk with you, I am beyond grateful. I love you and thank you for always supporting me on my crazy adventures even when they aren't the smartest! San Diego, here we come.

To my family, thank you for supporting me and giving me the time I need to do this walk. And even when I come home a little sore, slower and tired, you support me and I couldn't do this without you!

Sooooooooo......... remember my peeps that we all have a reason we do things. We all have a purpose. Love each other. Live as if everyday is your last. You never know when your entire life will turn upside down. Life is too fucking short to be judge people, hate people, not reach out, not say I love you and not take the time with your peeps! 

I will continue to walk... even if I can't walk it all, I will try. And I will surround myself with my people. I will continue to help in any way I can. I will continue to fight. I will continue to spread my purpose.

FUCK CANCER!

Love you all!

A day I always hoped I would see...

In my daughter's eyes

I am a hero

I am strong and wise

And I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see

She was sent to rescue me

I see who I want to be

In my daughter's eyes

I am not sure how this day came and went so quickly. It seems like we have been planning this special day forever. So how did it sneak up on me? How did it come so quickly? How is my baby girl getting married? How is it over already?

BUT it was freaking AMAZING and I could not be more excited, emotional, happy, proud and down right giddy to have watched my sweet Hailey marry her prince charming! 

This is a day that every mother dreams of for her child. A day that is surrounded with love and happiness. Where the fairy tale comes true and everyone lives happily ever after. A day that brings me so much joy but always stirs a huge pot of emotions that I buried way down deep, in hopes of never being discovered. And once you stir that pot, it is hard to make it stop.

I will be honest. I was hesitant to write this blog in fear of it being taken too dark or misunderstood. And after having a conversation with Hailey, I realized that this is our story and sharing this should be done with no fear and and no misunderstanding. This is the life I have lived and shared so I am definitely not going to stop now.

When I was 15 and newly diagnosed with cancer, I didn't think about my future with kids and what that would entail. At 15, I thought about how I could cram a shit ton of life into a short period of time. And as I have been blessed to have that time prolonged, I continue to cram as much of life in as I can. And I think I have passed that on to my kids. Something I hope they would have had whether or not they had a mom with cancer or not but nevertheless, they have it!

So as I got older and my kids grew older as well, I did what any mom would do. Think about their kids futures. Their careers and where they would live. Who they would marry and when they would have kids. What type of life they would build for themselves and where they would travel. All the things that parents think of as their kids get older. Along with some worry of course, but knowing they have support every step of the way. 

But along the way, I also had fear. Fear that one does not speak of. Fear that if spoken about, maybe it can be real. Fear that I am sure my people know I have. Fear I am sure my children have but wouldn't want to share with me. Fear that I will miss the moments. Big, small, FUCKING HUGE and tiny. Any and every moment. Because as a parent who has been sick my entire children's life (on and off), how can I not think about that. 

I am not sure how often I have thought about the moments I would maybe miss because of cancer but I can tell you it is enough to make a girl a little crazy =)( in the best way of course). And one of those moments I feared I may not see some day, was my kids getting married. It was a reality and a fear but it also gave me the strength and the fight. Because last Saturday I got to watch the most beautiful bride walk down the aisle and marry her best friend. I got to witness the strength and love the two of them have for each other and sit in awe of them both. I got to be there while my daughter got married! Yep! You heard that right peeps.... Hailey and Declan are married and I could not be happier!

As the emotions calm. As the feet recover from being in heels for too damn long. As the sleep deprivation fades. As the stress goes away and we all settle back into life, I am filled with so much love and hope. So much determination and belief that life may not always be easy and the fight is long from over, But damn..... is it worth it.

A dear friend of mine send this to me.

"This is something that will be imbedded in my mind forever. Your pure joy, delight and excitement!

I think of all the times when you were fighting the ultimate battle to get to the next day, how many times you thought “I want to see my kids graduate, go to college, get married…”

And here you are!

The brave, fierce, phenomenal woman who looked defiance in the face and said “suck it”. "

I thank you for sharing this with me and for capturing a moment that will forever be imbedded into my heart and mind forever.

So to each and everyone of you, hold on to the moments. Treasure your time together. Love so fucking hard and laugh every chance you can. Take the trip. Eat the damn cake(or fries in my case). Make the time. Say I love you every day. Have no regrets. Fight like hell and never ever lose hope. Life with cancer can try and take all that away. BUT we can fight as hard as we can to make sure to hold on to everything we can.

I love you all and thank you for being my strength and hope always.

And to the most amazing newlyweds, Let's get this party started! =)

 

In an instant...

 Be thankful for today,

because in one

moment, your entire     

life can change.

I recently had a friend reach out to me with a health scare. Something that happens often since I pretty much have my own "Krissie Cancer PHD". But this one hit me a little different. Maybe due to circumstances in my own world. Maybe because it hit a little too close to home. Maybe it was an emotional day. No matter what the reason was, it was something I feel that is important to share.

I have dealt with cancer since I was 15. And even though recently I realized I was 44 now and not 43 like I had thought in my head, that's a long fucking time to have this shadow that follows me where ever I go. But none the less, it is something you just learn to deal with every day. And this family has definitely learned to deal with it our way. Whether it be dark humor or emotions, we have made our own play book for sure.

When my friend reached out to me with her "cancer scare", I immediately went into cancer girl support. Give me the details. What are the doctors saying. Test results. Fears. Worries. Who to tell. Who to talk to. Etc.... And nothing is worse than getting this all on a Friday and having to sit with it all weekend. I do believe doctors should too get weekends but man does the waiting FUCKING SUCK!  As we took it step by step, whatever calm could come over her, came over her to the best that she could control. And she rocked it. Having been there so many times, she rocked it! And the even better part of the story is that she is/was cancer free. A scare is exactly what it was but something that all to often happens to way to many. 

So as Ryan and I were walking through Central Park a few weeks later (sounds like it is a scene from a movie), we were discussing the results of my recent doctors appointment, and we realized how normal the scares are for us but not for so many. We talked about how our friends were realizing that one day everything was fine and the next day, it could all change. And I know that people say that all the time. We are so lucky. Blessed. Fortunate. Whatever your word is. But until your life is turned upside down or you have that scare, I don't think you really get it. And I hope you never have to "get it"!

I wanted to stop people in Central Park (probably not the best place to do that) and tell them to not take life for granted. To live. To make the call. Take the trip. Tell everyone you love, you love them. I wanted to tell my friends to hold on to this moment of relief. Hold on to each other. Don't take this moment for granted. And I am so sad and sorry they had to go through this but I also know they will forever be changed and grateful.

There are so many sayings and things out there that tell you to live life and all that crap. And I know for a fact that I have shared them. But this life is no joke my peeps. This life is something special and it really is worth it. When we tell people how many times I have had cancer or that it started when I was 15, the facial expressions of sadness and not knowing what to say is definitely normal. But don't be sad for me. You can think and feel that it sucks, cause it fucking sucks. But I have an amazing life. A life I never knew possible and one that continues to surprise me with it's many twist and turns. And some of those twist and turns involve cancer. Some include friends and families. Trips and laughter. Love and memories. Sadness and hardship. But this is my life. I don't know a life without cancer so I can't tell you what that life looks like. But I can tell you that I know I live my life to the fullest. Sometimes probably a little to full =), but I have no regrets.

Soooooooooooo..... As the cliches go... Live your life as if there is no tomorrow. Love like you have nothing to lose. Have no damn regrets my peeps. Some may not be as lucky as my sweet friend. Some don't have my luck. Some have to live everyday with this awful disease. Some have to live every day without their loved ones. Some live in fear. I have no idea what this life will continue to bring my way. But I do know that whatever it is, I will be ok. Because I am living this life to the fullest.

I so enjoy being there for my peeps and hope that you all will continue to come my way to allow me to help you through this crazy life. We all have our shit. And big or small, it is all worth fighting for. And it makes me feel like my cancer journey has a purpose and a reason. Which on a bad day, gives me my fight. And on a good day, gives me even more strength. 

So hang on to this life. Have no regrets. Say I love you every fucking day. Be proud of yourself. Do you!

And know....Krissie is always here. Every step of the way. My only disclaimer is "What you see and hear, is exactly what you are going to get!" =)

Beautifully broken....

 She made broken look beautiful 

and strong look invincible.

She walked with the universe on her shoulders 

and make it look like a pair of 

wings.

 I am learning to love the broken pieces of myself. The unfixable. The permanent. The new normal. The unhealed scars. It is not an easy process, but something that is so important.

I have been pretty quiet on here. Sometimes, no news is good news. Other times, it is "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all" situation. I think it is definitely a combination of both.

This past year has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. Blessing and set backs. But I am not going to complain ( at least at this moment =)), because it could definitely be worse! I am taking the broken pieces and putting them all back together. I do love a good puzzle and there has never been a puzzle I couldn't finish. Besides the time my damn dog ate the last piece of a 40000 piece puzzle. But that is definitely a story for another day! =)

I have been told more times in my life than I would like, what my limitations are and what I should and should not do. This body of mine has a mind of its own and we don't always see eye to eye. I have worked through cancer and pain for so long, that telling me new limitations it not something I recommend. But I am also learning that I don't always get a say and we all know I love a say! 

Back in June I was hit with a pretty big "your fucked"! The body wasn't adjusting well to my past surgery and living in pain was just supposed to be the new normal. And while that may have taken me a bit to move past, I am fighting the "your fucked" and trying to turn that back around and say "Fuck You"! I am moving the body and doing everything I can to take the broken and glue those pieces back together. 

What they don't always tell you is that the thing that saves your life is also the thing that can kill you. It can change your entire life. But I am here and so we will take the new normal. We will take the "your fucked" and make it look beautiful. Life is way to short to be held back by things you can not change. Adjusting to the new normal is not always easy but it is doable. With the help of an amazing group of family and friends, it is all possible.

What I am also learning is that it is ok to be knocked down. I have always been one to bounce back pretty quickly and I think when things take a little longer to recover from, it can throw you. There is no rule book to how long it takes you to understand, grieve, process and find your new way. One persons experience or story is never the same as someone else's. Don't judge anyone for how they deal with what life is throwing them. We all have our shit and facebook and instagram may make it seem like we are all all smiles and rainbows. But behind every smile there are scars. And we must allow ourselves that time. I always tell my friends, you can be as real as you need to be with me. You want to fake it, I am there. You want to scream it out and cry, I am there. No judgement is what we all need. 

So as I put back the pieces or at least put some serious duct tape on them, I have once again decided to walk. And as always, I have Kim and an amazing group of gals beside me who continue to be there through this roller coaster of life. We will take on the streets of San Diego this November.  And as I navigate upcoming doctors appointments and procedures, I know that this pink bubble I put myself in, will give me strength along the way. I am not sure how far this body will go or how many steps and miles it will be able to do, but I do know whatever I can't do, my amazing group of gals will take over.

I have never been able to get through anything over the past 28 years without you all. Your love and support is the only reason I am still here fighting and pushing. It is why I have such a passion to help others and hopefully help even one person not have to go through what I and so many have gone through. So that no one has to say goodbye. No one has to feel that pain. No one has to glue the pieces back together.

I thank you for your support. Your patience. Your love. Your dedication. Your realness. 

I have no idea what is to come, but I know that even as it try's to break me, I will do it beautifully.

Thank you for your support always.

Krissie

https://www.the3day.org/site/Donation2?idb=696668379&df_id=6043&6043.donation=form1&FR_ID=2223&mfc_pref=T&PROXY_ID=8070701&PROXY_TYPE=20

3 days....60 miles....Done!

 We walk because we must. We are strong because

the journey demands it. Together in body and 

united in spirit, we laydown our footsteps for this

generation and the next. This is our promise"

A WORLD WITHOUT

BREAST CANCER

 It is hard to believe that just 3 weeks ago, I was in San Diego starting a 3 day walk that would definitely go down as the best walk ever. Now my body may not agree with me as I still recover, but it was worth every blister, muscle strain and a few toe nails. I shouldn't being wearing flip flops right now anyway so no one has to see those toes! =)

To say San Diego was beautiful, would be an understatement for sure. Walking along the coast. Seeing wildlife. The weather. The sunshine. The most welcoming community ever. Now the hills, not so much. I could go without the hills that were really straight up mountains but again, totally worth it.

This walk is incredibly special to me and to be able to do it with my dear friend Kim, made it even more special.  Not to say that there weren't times we looked at each other and asked ourselves "why are we doing this". But those only lasted for the those hills and nothing a few martinis wouldn't fix at the end of the day!

We went into this walk a little different than the ones before. We were allowing ourselves a little grace and said we would take it slow. And if we didn't walk it all, that is ok. BUT of course that is not how things went down. We walked every fucking mile and our bodies will tell you that for sure.

We were very lucky to have met a great group of gals who joined our pod at opening ceremonies. Now, we did warn them to enter our pod with caution and that we may or may not be what they were looking for. But lets be honest, once they met us, they were hooked! =) I mean who wouldn't be. We are loud, crazy, can definitely be bitchy. We can make you laugh and cry in the same sentence. I mean we are damn good catch if you ask me! =) But in all honesty, we met some lifelong friends for sure. And they definitely made this walk memorable and helped get us to that finish line. Truly memories that we will carry with us forever.

When you are walking 60 miles, you have a lot of time to think, feel, talk, cry and take it all in. This walk is therapy to me and was exactly what I needed. My body is not what it used to be and my cancer journey is a constant roller coaster. So I really try and take it all in. I allow myself to feel and think about my cancer journey and what is to come. I allow myself to mourn those who have passed. I allow myself to get mad and angry that cancer is such a huge part of my life and so many around me. I allow myself to cry (which I prefer to do in the comfort of my own closet). I know crying is ok but I have always tried to be so strong for everyone else, so these 3 days I really allow myself to process this crazy, hard ass life we live.

This walk is not just about walking 60 miles. It is about raising awareness. It is about meeting people along the way and sharing stories. We met so many amazing people along the way that it is hard to express what it all meant. I met someone who has a story that is so similar to mine that it was terrifying and amazing all at the same time. I was able to never feel alone. This is a pink bubble that makes you feel like you are just like everyone else and the stories will forever change your life.

As we finished the last day, we stopped and really took it in. The emotions at the end of 3 hard ass days of walking can be overwhelming to say the least. But they can also be the most amazing feel ever. I am asked all the time why I walk. I walk because this is my bubble. This is my time to really take it all in and try and heal from what cancer has and continues to do in my life and those I love. This walk has brought me lifelong friends who have seen me at my worst and hopefully my best too. This is a walk that reminds me that cancer has taken sooooo much from me but it has not taken my hope. Hope that this walk will end because there will be a cure and that no walks ever have to happen again.

So next year, we bring it back to Chicago! And we got one hell of a team coming our way. We got peeps coming from all over to make this walk even more incredible.

Best of all, we have my Hailey. Hailey will be walking with us next year so if I thought I was a hot mess this year, God help me next year. 

From meeting new friends, walking all 60 miles, the amazing community and all of your support along the way, I thank you. I thank you for letting me be me and for taking this journey with me. Kim, there are no words to put what these 3 days meant to me but I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The body will recover and we will be ready for next year in Chicago. I encourage you to join us. I mean who wouldn't want to walk 20 miles a day, drink several cosmos after and wake up and do it all over again! =)  Doesn't get better than this!

I will continue to fight and I will continue to walk. Thank you for all your help.

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/?px=8070701&pg=personal&fr_id=2161&s_src=boundlessfundraising&s_subsrc=bfSocFbPfMsg

Coping....

 I am here, I am here

I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear

I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near

I am here, I am here

All of this wrong, but I'm still right here

I don't have the answers, but the questions is clear

(Pink)

As I try process life over the last few months, I am reminded that we are all trying to process and cope what life has thrown us over the last year. Some worse then others, but we are all feeling something similar. We are all trying to cope. And coping can come in all different sizes and all different dynamics. Some our coping with the loss ( which is unbearable). Some are coping with a new normal. Some are coping with the old they don't understand. Some are coping with new obstacles that are unfair and hard. Some are coping with something they have been coping with for years but trying to understand. Some are coping alone and others are coping with a friend or loved one. Either way, coping is not always easy. If you ask me, it is never easy. It is fucking coping and coping means "figuring out ways to deal with or work around these challenges. It is the way that we adjust to the difficulties or disappointments that come our way."

The song in the beginning of this is, I am Here by Pink, For whatever reason, this song has hit hard to me the last couple of months and I am reminded that I am here. Whatever the means. I am here. It means something different for everyone, but for me, I am here and I am fighting another day to continue to be here. 

We all have ways of coping. I have no judgement on how one copes with the bullshit that is thrown ones way. But for me, I try and find what works for me. It is not always the healthiest and I can guarantee you that it takes some convincing on the doctor side, but my doctors know me and know what they can push and what they can't. They also know what my heart and mind need and what my body can take. And I attempt to listen in all my stubbornness the best I can... as hard as that can be at times. 

October always allows me to take a step back a reflect. And this October (if i am being honest) I have tried to bury all and every feeling. October is Breast Cancer Awareness month as I prepare for 60 miles in San Diego in less then 20 days, I am reminded why this can be so hard and I give myself grace to feel all the feelings I never allowed myself to feel.  

a little side story....

We( and I mean me, Ryan and our kids) have moved around a little bit trying to find our path. We hit some bottoms ( and some highs) and we found our way back. We recently have said  goodbye to a home that as Ryan and I were saying goodbye too, described it as the home that " brought our family back together".  And as I look back at that time, I am reminded of what that means. We all have times and experiences that were challenging and felt impossible. But in those times, we have all found our way back to the sunlight. Even when it felt ( or feels) impossible. There is always hope. Always.

I know some don't get why one would walk 60 miles or why I would walk 60 miles when my body shouldn't. 

What I need you to know is that I AM HERE because of this walk. This walk saved my heart and my soul when I was at my lowest. This walk taught me who I really was and taught me that my story, my cancer, can help and impact the lives of others. And for that I am forever grateful.

Telling my story and opening my journey and heart has opened my world up to an enormous amount of love and support along the way. It has also brought me loss that I don't understand and I still don't know how to process. But that is cancer. An unfair, unknowing and selfish disease that no one should have to learn how to deal with. It is the club I don't ever want to initiate anyone into. But once you are here, we got you. 

I got cancer at 15. I am now 41 ( yikes). And cancer has followed me every step of the way. Showing it's ugly head along the way without any concern for me or my family. But it is why I still fight. I am more emotional then I was a years ago but that is ok. This is my life and I am learning to feel, process and cope as life throws its punches at me. But I make no apologizes for how I cope. Life is fucking short as hell and we are taking in every breath we can. I (we) have lost ones that I don't know how to cope with but try and find a way. And the only thing I know they would want me to do, is to keep fucking fighting and walking and talking and supporting and coping....

So as I try and cope with the world and the world of cancer, I thank each and every one of you who has supported me along the way. This walk, is something I needed and is something I don't know if my body can handle. But what I do know is that this walk 13 years ago brought me back to life and I know it will carry me back to life. I had to take a break from it a few years back and didn't think I could ever come back, but all of you have shown me that with your support, you will carry me through the finish line.

As the tears stream down my face, I thank you for always showing me my strength and reminding me we can do anything together.

This is not just for me...... This is for all those we have lost and all who are fighting and continue to fight.

But I am here, I am here

I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear

Know that I'll be ready when the devil is near

'Cause I am here, I am here

All of this wrong, but I'm still right here

I don't have the answers, but the questions is clear

So I did a thing.....

                                                     So I did a thing.....

To say it has been one hell of a year (and I mean the last 12 months) would be understatement for sure. And I know that everyone has had that kind of year as well. Some worse then others, but we have all had that year!

So as I try to find meaning and purpose in this last year, I did a thing. And when I say a thing, I mean a big thing!

It was almost 14 years ago when I signed up for my first Susan G Komen 60 mile, 3 day walk. I first signed up because after dealing with cancer for so many years, I wanted to do something that I felt would make a difference. Not knowing that when I signed up, I would be diagnosed with breast cancer and be undergoing chemo while doing my first walk. And that walk changed my life forever. It healed me and tested me in ways that I never knew possible. And 9 walks and years later, I had to hang those walking shoes and stop walking because my body couldn't do it any more. One of the hardest things ever because for me this walk helped  through some of the toughest times in my life. But I knew that my health and my doctors voices, had to come first. But...... it is time to try this again! 

This past year has been one of the hardest years of my life. And I have dealt with cancer for 25 years! There is covid, which pretty much speaks for itself with it's name. My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My dad was diagnosed with Leukemia. My husband had 2 hip surgery's where one almost killed him with blood clots. My health has been on hold due to covid but isn't stopping me from anything. We have lost loved ones and had to mourn in our own ways. We have all been separated from our families and our friends for way too long. So needless to say, I am in need of some therapy! Therapy that comes in a walking 60 miles. Crazy? Fuck Yes! But worth it! Hell yes!

I have always known that life is short. I lived that for too long. But this year has only reminded me that life is FUCKING short peeps! And we have no idea what will come next. At a moment, you entire life can change. I have watched and felt the lose of loved ones taken too soon. I have seen and felt the heartbreak of the diagnosis no one ever wants to get. I have felt the heartbreak and I have celebrated the milestones. And as I try to find the meaning in what life if throwing me, I find comfort in the community I have around me and know that with you all, no matter what, we will get through this.

It may not make sense to many of you and I am ok with that. We all have our outlets. But as I am reaching and searching for meaning, I am going to back to what helped me through some of the toughest times of my life and I am going to walk to find purpose and make a difference. I am beyond blessed to have my girl Kim walking with me. And together, we will conquer these miles together along with a community that is walking to make a difference. 

We all know cancer in one way or another. I know cancer in a way that no one should ever know. And for those I have walked with and those who have walked with me, this one is for you. This will be hard. My body will fight me every step of the way. But FUCK YOU CANCER, because you will not get in the way of this fight and this walk. I will need your strength and your support but I know with you all, I can do anything.

Thank you for always being there and supporting me always!

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2021/ChicagoEvent2021?px=8070701&pg=personal&fr_id=2080

Life is too short to not enjoy every moment...

 "Be thankful for today,

because in one moment,

your entire life could change."

What a fucking year! Not really any other way to say it and there is no need to sugar coat 2020!

I have always been honest and open and this blog will be no different. As I struggle to find my words and process what is happening, I find comfort in writing and find hope in the words I share with you all.

I have truly lived my life differently than most people. When you get cancer at 15, there is no way it doesn't change how you live your life. And since it has decided to follow me for the last 25 years, I have definitely not taken life for granted. But even in knowing that life is short and that life should never be taken for granted, you can still get reminded just how quickly life can change in an instant. And when it does, it fucking stops you in your tracks!

We have all been living in this COVID world for months now and we have all struggled in our own way with that. Some, it has hit closer to home and others from a distance. But everyone has struggled and everyone's life has been affected. At times, I found comfort in knowing that everyone was going through something similar. Sure there were and are different levels but we were all going through something and some how that gave me comfort at times. A very different feeling from cancer that is for sure!

Since cancer has been such a huge part of my life, I never really think it can knock my ass down because I am stronger then cancer. But even the strong break sometimes(at least that is what I am learning). I am pretty good with dealing with my cancer and my health. Good, bad, ugly, painful and never ending but I fight everyday and that to me is easy compared to a loved one getting cancer. That has stopped me dead in my tracks and as I try and navigate through this, I struggle but hold on to hope everyday.

Now I have walked through cancer with many, many, many people that I hold near and dear to my heart. Some we have lost along the way and others I get to meet for drinks with every month and give them a big squeeze. The ones we have lost, I struggle for understanding but I honor them everyday and I take their fight on to help others. The ones that I get to see often, I treasure and am reminded that we must celebrate the moments, good and bad, because life is short and should be celebrated. But this one is different for me and I am navigating a new road that is bumpy, unknown, fucking unfair, hard and challenging. 

I have more knowledge then I would like when it comes to cancer and cancer is my thing! I know that sounds fucking crazy, but it is! I get cancer. It's my thing. It has been my thing for 20 plus years and will be my thing for 100 more. I don't care how old you are, 5, 15, 20, 40, 60 ,70, it doesn't matter. No one should have to fight this fucking disease. It makes no sense and it comes out of no where. As a patient, you are constantly doing and fighting the cancer away. As a loved one, you have to sit back and watch and wait and I fucking hate waiting! Do not get me wrong, without my family and friends, I would not be here today. The support you give and the love you send, gives me strength everyday. But it is different. I have always said I would much rather be the patient than the caregiver because being the patient is hard enough but being the loved one is fucking hard as shit and that is something I am struggling with.

But, as I try to make my glass half full ( and not just with vodka =)), I know that my cancer journey can help this new journey we are all on. I believe that there is a reason for my journey and maybe this is it. Every time I have started a new journey with someone on this road, I have been able to help in ways others can't. Sometimes it makes it harder on my side but it doesn't matter because it is soooooo fucking worth it. I truly believe that so many of my cancer peeps have helped me more than I have helped them. And for that I am forever grateful.

So today I remind you that life is short. And in these uncertain and crazy times, I remind you to hold onto hope. Spend more time with your family and friends. (Safely of course). Eat the foods that you love. Take that trip you have always wanted to. Cherish the moments you have. Do something you have always wanted to do but have been afraid to do so. Maybe jump out of a plane =). Do what is on your bucket list. Forgive. Laugh. Smile. Love. And always remember you are stronger then you think and that you can do this and anything with the love and support of your peeps.

Cancer is so limited…

It cannot cripple love.

It cannot shatter hope.

It cannot corrode faith.

It cannot eat away peace.

It cannot destroy confidence.

It cannot kill friendship.

It cannot shut out memories.

It cannot silence courage.

It cannot reduce eternal life.

It cannot quench the Spirit.

#FUCK CANCER

Advice from the other side.

When someone

has cancer,

the whole family

& everyone who 

loves them does

too.

A good friend of Ryan's recently reached out to him asking if he had any advice to offer on his wife's recent recurrence with cancer. Ryan's answer to him brought me to tears and touched my heart in so many ways that I asked him if I could share it. Because I think of how hard this cancer journey has been for Ryan everyday and know that this man is my rock and that I would not be here today, without him. So take a second and read through this and have your heart touched and be reminded that we are all in this together.

Ryan writes....

First, that sucks. 

That sucks for her.  That sucks for you.  That sucks for your families.  It just sucks.  Anyone who says otherwise is an asshole.

Second, you already know what she needs.

Your presence

Your patience, even when she is cranky/bitchy/unreasonable/bat-shit-crazy

Your help in fighting the evil-soulless-mother-fuckers who work at the insurance company

A hug at random times

Occasional love notes left in the bathroom that tell her she’s sexy

For you to tell her that you are 100% confident that everything will be fine, even when you aren’t sure and she knows you are lying (especially if you aren’t sure and she knows that you are lying!)

To drive around together with the windows down singing at the top of your lungs to obnoxious 90’s music.  If you aren’t sure where to start, I recommend “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-Lot.

Chocolate ice cream at midnight (the good shit that costs $8 for a small container)

To get angry at cancer.  Buy matching “fuck cancer” clothing (https://store.letsfcancer.com/) And wear it around proudly.  When strangers in public give you the “knowing nod” give them the nod back.  When strangers in public give you a nasty look for wearing clothing with a naughty word on it, allow yourself to think, “Fuck you for being more offended at cuss words than you are at human suffering!”  Feel a little self-righteous.  You earned it.

Spontaneous date nights.  Spend as much as you can.  If you can’t afford nice, still go on date-night, even if it is to the Mexican joint on the corner that serves $1 draft beer and $3 heartburn appetizers from 3-4:30pm on Mon-Thur.

To know that you will be by her side no matter what happens (nausea, hair loss, surgeries, etc.).  To know that there is not a single possible scenario in the whole fucking universe where you aren’t right by her side.  She is going to need this frequently and at random moments and in different ways (tell her verbally, write it down, learn fucking sign language or hire a pilot to fly around with a banner in the sky if you have to).

Third, you already know what you need to do to make sure you have the stamina to go the distance (because marathons are for pussies).

Eat healthy (except the midnight ice cream) even when you just want to eat a whole fucking funnel-cake by yourself because “What the fuck does it matter anyways?”

Exercise even when it seems irrelevant

Get sleep, even when you have an endless list of things that have to get done

Don’t overwork yourself, even if it is your coping mechanism

Fourth, find meaning. 

Victor Frankl (psychologist who survived 4 concentration camps and wrote “Man’s search for meaning”) said, “Suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds meaning.  Such is the meaning of sacrifice.”

It isn’t for me to find your meaning.  You have to do it on your own.

Maybe you feel closer to God/Allah/Krishna.  Maybe you look up into the night sky, see a hundred billion stars, and smile.  Maybe you watch a romantic comedy and say, “That’s my fucking life.”  Maybe you feel mortality in a way that few people our age do and you stand around with the fucking tourists and gawk at the stupid cherry blossoms, because they are super cliché, but they are actually pretty fucking beautiful.  Maybe you feel like a knight storming the fucking castle to rescue the beautiful princess—which makes you feel like a bad-ass until you start to feel silly and childish, but then you say to yourself, “If I want to feel like a fucking knight on a white steed, I’m going to feel like a fucking-dragon-slaying-damsel-rescuing knight!!!”  Maybe you watch your wife sleep and time stops for an hour, leaving you grateful that you found each other in this big crazy world. 

You can’t really go looking for meanings (such is the nature of meaning).  You can only accept it, as the gift it is.  Don’t fight it.  And never feel guilty for it.  Just put out your hands and accept the sunlight as it overflows off your hands.

But, a warning:  Your wife has to find her own meaning.  Your meaning is yours alone…. And hers is only for her.  Don’t try to force yours upon her.  And when she tries to share her meaning, just smile and nod even if you don’t know what the fuck she’s talking about.

Fifth, don’t forget to breathe. 

I mean—LITERALLY—don’t forget to breathe.

Finally, know that I’m lobbing cancer-busting-hand-grenade prayers your way.

I asked God to send down a legion of black-ops-archangels to wage fucking jihad against those mutating cells.  If you see 10-foot tall glowing beings with wings (and bullet-proof vests) forming a perimeter around your house, that was from me.

peace,

Ryan

To my amazing husband, I love you and thank you for always allowing me to find my way, in my own time, with you always by my side. 

40....

"And in the end it's

not the years in your 

life that count. It's the 

life in you years. "

Today I turn 40!

I will worn you that at this exact moment, I have so many different emotions. Turning 40, I believe, is a milestone. For everyone. I know some say 40 is the new 30(which I will take) or that 40 isn't a big deal. BUT for me, 40 is something to celebrate and I am so glad I get to celebrate it with all of you.

Last night, my house filled with people that I love. Whether you were physically in my house or there with me in spirit, my house and my heart were filled with more love then I knew possible. 

This last year has been a roller coaster of emotions. Shit, my life has been a roller coaster of emotions! But it is my life and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. If there was a fucking bump in the road I hit, that bump only lead me to the next adventure and it built me to the person I am today. 

Cancer changes your life. It is brutal. It is unfair. It is heartbreaking. It is relentless. BUT I know that I am stronger then cancer because I am surrounded by amazing people who lift me up when I can't stand and when I looked around last night, I have never had more strength in my life.

There are so many things I want to say and so many emotions I could try and express but today I am going to just take in this moment. I have never liked birthdays. They have always been hard for me but I will say that 40 is the best birthday I have ever had. And as the bumps come in the years to come, I know that we will hit them together.

I truly love you all and thank you for filling my heart with so much love and giving me the strength to fight for another 40!

                                                                   FUCK CANCER

I'm standing with you...

Through whatever you go through
I'm standin' with you
Here wherever you go to
I'll stand beside you
And when you think that all the odds are all against you
And you just feel like giving up, well, I won't let you
Through whatever you go through...
I'm standing with you
I'm standing with you

The first time I heard this song, I cried. Shocking, I know but if you really listen to the words in the song, I bet you may even shed a tear or at least have your eyes water. That is one of the things I love about music. I love what music can make you feel. Especially when at times, all you are trying to do is not feel. Music brings out emotions in you that sometimes you didn't know you had or even worse, brings out the emotions that you buried way down deep inside that only a song that really knows how you feel, brings them out. Love hate relationship with music for sure! 

This past year has been an emotional one to say the least. A year ago today, I was on a plane to New York to have surgery. A surgery that has forever changed me, good and bad. A surgery that took not only my body to bat but fucked with my emotions in a way I didn't know possible. A surgery that would push me to the cliff, dangle me over it and ultimately save my life. And for that I am forever grateful.  

When your hurting, I want you to know
That you'll never have to hurt alone
When your faith is, faith is running low

I'll never lose faith in you
When the night's around you
And you think that no one cares about you
I will go and throw my arms around you
I'll be there...

This year has been a year of recovery. A recovery that is still ongoing and if I just try and face the truth, a recovery that will be with me the rest of my life. It can be hard at times. Feel impossible. Annoying as shit. Complicated. Time consuming and all encompassing. But I'm not complaining. Because I'm here and fighting every day with a smile on my face. 

We all got time's when we can't be strong
When it feels like, like all hope is gone
But I'm right here, right here to lean on
I'll always be strong for you
And when you feeling broken
And it's seems like every door is closing
Want you to know that mine is always open
I'll be there...

I am traumatized, broken and afraid. But I am also strong, determined, stubborn and a fighter. And what I have learned is that I can be broken and strong at the same time. I can take the very thing that has broken me to my core and build a strength off of it that is even stronger than before. I honestly believe that what doesn't kill us really does make us stronger.  We all have shit. We all have something that has broken us down and tested us in ways like never before. But we surround ourselves with peeps that hold us up when we can't stand on our own. That breathe for us when it feels impossible to breathe. That make us smile in our darkest moment. That never lose hope or faith in us. I do not only survive because I am strong. I survive because I have an army around me that stands by me every second.

Nothing you can do can move me
You can try, but you can't lose me
You can't lose me

Through whatever you go through
I'm standing with you
And wherever you go to (You go to), I'll stand beside you
And when you think that all the odds are all against you
And you just feel like giving up, well, I won't let you
Through whatever you go through (through whatever you go through)

I am standing today, because I am not alone in this fight. I have learned that therapy comes in many different versions and that no one is right or wrong. Sometimes it is sitting on couch with therapist who tells you it is ok to feel this way. Sometimes it is a girl’s weekend filled with tears, laughs and love. Sometimes it is having drinks with a friend who knows your hurting but will not mention what you are going through because they know that is exactly what you need right now. Sometimes it is just being present. Sometimes it is an email or a text to just say I love you. It comes in all different ways and I am grateful for each and every one. 

 

I do not know exactly what this year ahead will bring me. I know it will test me and push me. I know that I will have to fight like hell but I am ok with that. I am more then ok with that. I am ready. WE are ready. To each and everyone of you going through something right now or trying to process something that you have gone through, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Remember that you have so many standing with you and helping you every step of the way. Life is toooooooo fucking short to not enjoy every second. Do not take this time for granted. Live it. Laugh. Love with all your heart. And remember that it is ok to be broken because I am standing with you holding you together.

Thank you to each and every one of you who holds me together and makes me smile.

Tally Marks.....

"Strength isn't about how much 

you can handle before you break, 

it's about how much 

you can handle after you break."

Many people collect things. Maybe it's baseball cards, shot glasses, Starbucks mugs, key chains, etc... Usually people collect them because they want to and because they like that particular thing. They can display them in a cool way and it can even spark fun conversation. But what about the things you don't want to collect but have no choice? Like cancer.

Cameron, my son, got me a tattoo for Mother's Day last year. To some that may sound weird but this child knows how much I love my tattoos. It may have taken me almost a year to use it, but last night we went to cash that baby in. Now minus the tattoo on my lower back that I got when I was younger, all my tattoos have a meaning. I like to say that some of them are even therapy for me but Ryan says I should just admit that I love tattoos. But since I am writing this, I am going with therapy. 😜
So picking one was not easy because they are obviously permanent and I need it to mean something to me. I need to know that when I look at it, it represents part of who I am.

After this last surgery and #7 cancer, I wanted something that represented surviving 7. Something that says "FUCK YOU cancer, I'm still here". And I didn't want to get fuck on my body (though I will admit I have thought about it =)). I thought about getting a number 7 behind my ear or roman numerals or something along that line but turning a number 7 maybe into an 8 and then maybe turning an 8 into a 9 can be complicated so I went with tally marks.

Now I know that sounds sad and awful! And believe me it sucks on this end too. But I will not let that change how I am going to live my life. There have been so many times where I felt exhausted, scared and done. But each time, I dig deep and find that strength that has gotten me through the last 20 plus years of cancer and remind myself that I can do this. I look around and see the amazing people I am surrounded by and remember that I am stronger then any tally mark on my body.

I live in a reality that someday number 8 will come my way. It may be tomorrow, in a year or in 50 years but someday I will add a tally mark to my arm and I will do it with the same "fuck you" attitude I did last night. I will do it and gain strength because every time I look at it, I see how far I have come. I am reminded that it was hard and it was painful but I am also reminded of the strength and determination that got me through it.

When I sat down and told the tattoo artist I wanted 7 tally marks, he tried to guess what the 7 meant. 7 kids, 7 husbands, 7 toes =), 7 countries visited, etc... and as we laughed at each one he said, Cameron said he will never guess. Guess it is not something people collect. So when I finally told him that the 7 tally marks stood for me getting cancer 7 times he was speechless. And not speechless in a Woohoo moment but more of a speechless in a "oh shit I just said all these funny things about 7 things" moment. But I reassured him that it is ok to laugh and joke about this because life is all about how you handle the bullshit that comes your way. And what I have learned is that I feel so much better when I take lead over cancer. Even if at times it feels like it has the upper hand, I never let it get ahead of me for long. Because it is worth the fight.

Cancer will continue to follow me as my life goes one. It will try to peak its head up and take pieces of me with it when it leaves. And at times it will feel impossible but nothing is impossible. Even as corny as that sounds. Nothing is impossible. The road can be so hard and bumpy sometimes and can even seem unfair, but never ever lose hope. I am human and I struggle all the time with understanding cancer and understanding why but I hold onto hope every single day. And when I lose that hope, even for a second, I surround myself with those who hold onto for me.

So today, and everyday, never forget how strong you really are. Dig deep when you need to. Share your strength with others. Smile because it will change someone's life. Celebrate your milestones. Laugh as much as you can. Hold onto hope.

And celebrate my tally marks with me!

Goodbye 2018

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.

So, love the people who treat you right 

and forget about the ones who don't.

And Believe

that everything happens for a reason...

if you get a chance- take it;

if it changes your life- let it.

Nobody said that it would be easy...

They promise it would be worth it."

As 2018 comes to an end, I sit back and reflect on the many ups and downs that the year brought and I look to what 2019 has in store for us all.

Now I try and not hold onto to bad things that happen. And I do not want the bad to ever take over all the good that has happen this past year. But 2018 was a challenging year to say the least and a year that tested me in more ways than one. It is a year that pushed me to the edge and dangled me over the cliff. BUT it is also a year that showed me that I still have the strength to fight and it is a strength that can never be taken away from me.

I am beyond blessed in many ways. I have 2 beautiful children who have blossomed this past year in a way I always dreamt of for them. I have an amazing husband who amazes me every day by his dedication and strength. I have a wonderful family who has been there through thick and thin and shown me that we can do anything together. I have fantastic friends who are always allow me to be me and can make me smile even when I don't want to. I have home that is warm, welcoming and always filled with love(despite any mess that might be there too). What more can a person ask for right?!

Well, because I don't ever believe enough is enough, I want more! Now I am not talking about things you can buy at a store or a trip that can be taken. I am not talking about a bigger house or a nicer car. I am not even talking about money. What I want is more valuable and more important than all of that! I want more HOPE!

My life has not been your typical fairy tale. But who the hell loves a traditional story. I would much rather live on the edge of life(maybe not so close to the edge this year) and not have one single regret.

Cancer FUCKING SUCKS! No easy, nice or polite way to say it. There is not good kind. Cancer is Cancer and it all FUCKING sucks. It is something that every single person in some which way has dealt with. It may not be you personally, but there is no one that doesn't have someone they know and love who has not had cancer. That is something that truly breaks my heart. Having dealt with this for 20 plus years now, I wish I could wave my magic wand and have no one else in the world experience what I and those closest to me have gone through. But since that is not possible I am going to wave something else. HOPE!

There are only a handful of times that I lost hope while fighting cancer and I will tell you that losing hope was far more scarier to me then the chance of losing my life. And I am a pretty fucking positive ray of sunshine so when I lose hope I am pretty sure the world is coming to and end. So fear not, the world is not coming to and end and if you are reading this right now and are in need of a little hope, I got you! Hope is coming your way.

Life is this incredible journey. It will take you on your highest high and it will take you to the lowest of lows. But it is so worth it. I believe in order to get to the high points in life, you have to go through some hard shit. Now do I think maybe we could stop adding tally marks to the cancer card I am carrying but I am not complaining. Because I am here. And my struggles, my cancers, have brought me to a place where I want every single person to get to. A place where there is always hope.

I promise you, it is going to seem impossible at times. It is going to feel like it doesn't even matter if you have hope or you don't. But I promise you, it is so worth it. There will be days that feel like you can't go on any further. But there is hope that tomorrow will be better. There will be days that you cry yourself to sleep. But there is hope that tomorrow will bring less tears and more smiles. There will be days that you lose hope. But if there is anything I have learned in this life, it is that hope never leaves and hope is always there.

I see hope in my children's eyes. I see hope in a sick friend. I see hope in m husbands passion. I see hope in the mirror. AND I SEE HOPE IN YOU!

Make 2019 the year that we spread HOPE because if you ask me, this world could use a lot more of it.

Thank you to each and every one of you that has helped me get to this day. I would not only not be alive today but I would also not be the person I am today without each and every one of you.

Love you all and remember to smile today!