Tally Marks.....

"Strength isn't about how much 

you can handle before you break, 

it's about how much 

you can handle after you break."

Many people collect things. Maybe it's baseball cards, shot glasses, Starbucks mugs, key chains, etc... Usually people collect them because they want to and because they like that particular thing. They can display them in a cool way and it can even spark fun conversation. But what about the things you don't want to collect but have no choice? Like cancer.

Cameron, my son, got me a tattoo for Mother's Day last year. To some that may sound weird but this child knows how much I love my tattoos. It may have taken me almost a year to use it, but last night we went to cash that baby in. Now minus the tattoo on my lower back that I got when I was younger, all my tattoos have a meaning. I like to say that some of them are even therapy for me but Ryan says I should just admit that I love tattoos. But since I am writing this, I am going with therapy. 😜
So picking one was not easy because they are obviously permanent and I need it to mean something to me. I need to know that when I look at it, it represents part of who I am.

After this last surgery and #7 cancer, I wanted something that represented surviving 7. Something that says "FUCK YOU cancer, I'm still here". And I didn't want to get fuck on my body (though I will admit I have thought about it =)). I thought about getting a number 7 behind my ear or roman numerals or something along that line but turning a number 7 maybe into an 8 and then maybe turning an 8 into a 9 can be complicated so I went with tally marks.

Now I know that sounds sad and awful! And believe me it sucks on this end too. But I will not let that change how I am going to live my life. There have been so many times where I felt exhausted, scared and done. But each time, I dig deep and find that strength that has gotten me through the last 20 plus years of cancer and remind myself that I can do this. I look around and see the amazing people I am surrounded by and remember that I am stronger then any tally mark on my body.

I live in a reality that someday number 8 will come my way. It may be tomorrow, in a year or in 50 years but someday I will add a tally mark to my arm and I will do it with the same "fuck you" attitude I did last night. I will do it and gain strength because every time I look at it, I see how far I have come. I am reminded that it was hard and it was painful but I am also reminded of the strength and determination that got me through it.

When I sat down and told the tattoo artist I wanted 7 tally marks, he tried to guess what the 7 meant. 7 kids, 7 husbands, 7 toes =), 7 countries visited, etc... and as we laughed at each one he said, Cameron said he will never guess. Guess it is not something people collect. So when I finally told him that the 7 tally marks stood for me getting cancer 7 times he was speechless. And not speechless in a Woohoo moment but more of a speechless in a "oh shit I just said all these funny things about 7 things" moment. But I reassured him that it is ok to laugh and joke about this because life is all about how you handle the bullshit that comes your way. And what I have learned is that I feel so much better when I take lead over cancer. Even if at times it feels like it has the upper hand, I never let it get ahead of me for long. Because it is worth the fight.

Cancer will continue to follow me as my life goes one. It will try to peak its head up and take pieces of me with it when it leaves. And at times it will feel impossible but nothing is impossible. Even as corny as that sounds. Nothing is impossible. The road can be so hard and bumpy sometimes and can even seem unfair, but never ever lose hope. I am human and I struggle all the time with understanding cancer and understanding why but I hold onto hope every single day. And when I lose that hope, even for a second, I surround myself with those who hold onto for me.

So today, and everyday, never forget how strong you really are. Dig deep when you need to. Share your strength with others. Smile because it will change someone's life. Celebrate your milestones. Laugh as much as you can. Hold onto hope.

And celebrate my tally marks with me!