I'm standing with you...

Through whatever you go through
I'm standin' with you
Here wherever you go to
I'll stand beside you
And when you think that all the odds are all against you
And you just feel like giving up, well, I won't let you
Through whatever you go through...
I'm standing with you
I'm standing with you

The first time I heard this song, I cried. Shocking, I know but if you really listen to the words in the song, I bet you may even shed a tear or at least have your eyes water. That is one of the things I love about music. I love what music can make you feel. Especially when at times, all you are trying to do is not feel. Music brings out emotions in you that sometimes you didn't know you had or even worse, brings out the emotions that you buried way down deep inside that only a song that really knows how you feel, brings them out. Love hate relationship with music for sure! 

This past year has been an emotional one to say the least. A year ago today, I was on a plane to New York to have surgery. A surgery that has forever changed me, good and bad. A surgery that took not only my body to bat but fucked with my emotions in a way I didn't know possible. A surgery that would push me to the cliff, dangle me over it and ultimately save my life. And for that I am forever grateful.  

When your hurting, I want you to know
That you'll never have to hurt alone
When your faith is, faith is running low

I'll never lose faith in you
When the night's around you
And you think that no one cares about you
I will go and throw my arms around you
I'll be there...

This year has been a year of recovery. A recovery that is still ongoing and if I just try and face the truth, a recovery that will be with me the rest of my life. It can be hard at times. Feel impossible. Annoying as shit. Complicated. Time consuming and all encompassing. But I'm not complaining. Because I'm here and fighting every day with a smile on my face. 

We all got time's when we can't be strong
When it feels like, like all hope is gone
But I'm right here, right here to lean on
I'll always be strong for you
And when you feeling broken
And it's seems like every door is closing
Want you to know that mine is always open
I'll be there...

I am traumatized, broken and afraid. But I am also strong, determined, stubborn and a fighter. And what I have learned is that I can be broken and strong at the same time. I can take the very thing that has broken me to my core and build a strength off of it that is even stronger than before. I honestly believe that what doesn't kill us really does make us stronger.  We all have shit. We all have something that has broken us down and tested us in ways like never before. But we surround ourselves with peeps that hold us up when we can't stand on our own. That breathe for us when it feels impossible to breathe. That make us smile in our darkest moment. That never lose hope or faith in us. I do not only survive because I am strong. I survive because I have an army around me that stands by me every second.

Nothing you can do can move me
You can try, but you can't lose me
You can't lose me

Through whatever you go through
I'm standing with you
And wherever you go to (You go to), I'll stand beside you
And when you think that all the odds are all against you
And you just feel like giving up, well, I won't let you
Through whatever you go through (through whatever you go through)

I am standing today, because I am not alone in this fight. I have learned that therapy comes in many different versions and that no one is right or wrong. Sometimes it is sitting on couch with therapist who tells you it is ok to feel this way. Sometimes it is a girl’s weekend filled with tears, laughs and love. Sometimes it is having drinks with a friend who knows your hurting but will not mention what you are going through because they know that is exactly what you need right now. Sometimes it is just being present. Sometimes it is an email or a text to just say I love you. It comes in all different ways and I am grateful for each and every one. 

 

I do not know exactly what this year ahead will bring me. I know it will test me and push me. I know that I will have to fight like hell but I am ok with that. I am more then ok with that. I am ready. WE are ready. To each and everyone of you going through something right now or trying to process something that you have gone through, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Remember that you have so many standing with you and helping you every step of the way. Life is toooooooo fucking short to not enjoy every second. Do not take this time for granted. Live it. Laugh. Love with all your heart. And remember that it is ok to be broken because I am standing with you holding you together.

Thank you to each and every one of you who holds me together and makes me smile.