"Be thankful for today,
because in one moment,
your entire life could change."
What a fucking year! Not really any other way to say it and there is no need to sugar coat 2020!
I have always been honest and open and this blog will be no different. As I struggle to find my words and process what is happening, I find comfort in writing and find hope in the words I share with you all.
I have truly lived my life differently than most people. When you get cancer at 15, there is no way it doesn't change how you live your life. And since it has decided to follow me for the last 25 years, I have definitely not taken life for granted. But even in knowing that life is short and that life should never be taken for granted, you can still get reminded just how quickly life can change in an instant. And when it does, it fucking stops you in your tracks!
We have all been living in this COVID world for months now and we have all struggled in our own way with that. Some, it has hit closer to home and others from a distance. But everyone has struggled and everyone's life has been affected. At times, I found comfort in knowing that everyone was going through something similar. Sure there were and are different levels but we were all going through something and some how that gave me comfort at times. A very different feeling from cancer that is for sure!
Since cancer has been such a huge part of my life, I never really think it can knock my ass down because I am stronger then cancer. But even the strong break sometimes(at least that is what I am learning). I am pretty good with dealing with my cancer and my health. Good, bad, ugly, painful and never ending but I fight everyday and that to me is easy compared to a loved one getting cancer. That has stopped me dead in my tracks and as I try and navigate through this, I struggle but hold on to hope everyday.
Now I have walked through cancer with many, many, many people that I hold near and dear to my heart. Some we have lost along the way and others I get to meet for drinks with every month and give them a big squeeze. The ones we have lost, I struggle for understanding but I honor them everyday and I take their fight on to help others. The ones that I get to see often, I treasure and am reminded that we must celebrate the moments, good and bad, because life is short and should be celebrated. But this one is different for me and I am navigating a new road that is bumpy, unknown, fucking unfair, hard and challenging.
I have more knowledge then I would like when it comes to cancer and cancer is my thing! I know that sounds fucking crazy, but it is! I get cancer. It's my thing. It has been my thing for 20 plus years and will be my thing for 100 more. I don't care how old you are, 5, 15, 20, 40, 60 ,70, it doesn't matter. No one should have to fight this fucking disease. It makes no sense and it comes out of no where. As a patient, you are constantly doing and fighting the cancer away. As a loved one, you have to sit back and watch and wait and I fucking hate waiting! Do not get me wrong, without my family and friends, I would not be here today. The support you give and the love you send, gives me strength everyday. But it is different. I have always said I would much rather be the patient than the caregiver because being the patient is hard enough but being the loved one is fucking hard as shit and that is something I am struggling with.
But, as I try to make my glass half full ( and not just with vodka =)), I know that my cancer journey can help this new journey we are all on. I believe that there is a reason for my journey and maybe this is it. Every time I have started a new journey with someone on this road, I have been able to help in ways others can't. Sometimes it makes it harder on my side but it doesn't matter because it is soooooo fucking worth it. I truly believe that so many of my cancer peeps have helped me more than I have helped them. And for that I am forever grateful.
So today I remind you that life is short. And in these uncertain and crazy times, I remind you to hold onto hope. Spend more time with your family and friends. (Safely of course). Eat the foods that you love. Take that trip you have always wanted to. Cherish the moments you have. Do something you have always wanted to do but have been afraid to do so. Maybe jump out of a plane =). Do what is on your bucket list. Forgive. Laugh. Smile. Love. And always remember you are stronger then you think and that you can do this and anything with the love and support of your peeps.
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