Waiting...Waiting...

I am anything but a patient person so waiting is never easy for me.

When you take your driving test , you know right away if you passed or not. Why can't everything be like that. Instant results. 

As all the testing has begun yet again for me so does the waiting. Every time the phone rings I jump to answer it hoping for answers on the other end. Every test I get I watch the nurses faces to see if they have a facial expression that will give me answers. Every bump and bruise on my body I look at differently while I wait for what will come next.

Today I woke up feeling like me again. My body still hurts and is still recovering but I am doing my best to get back to my old routine. But as I try and get back into that routine, I feel hindered by the unanswered questions. And until the results are in, it's hard to fully get back into routine. Do I get myself fully up so that I can be knocked down again?

My daughter came into my room the other night in tears because she was upset that all these things keep happening to me. Now she is 9. 9 going on 30 I think sometimes. But as I tried to calm her down I answered my own question. Of course I get myself fully back up, I have no other choice. I will pick myself back up and return to active duty =) .. Because I need to be the example to my children that life will knock you on your ass but that when it does , you get back up.

The waiting will never go away. Even when all this is done and over, there will be more waiting. Waiting for the next thing to hit. It may not be something life threatening but something will come and we will be waiting again.

There's the quote "Good things happen to those who wait", well here's hoping that this wait brings good news!!

Abnormal!

Abnormal has pretty much been my middle name since I can remember. Do I really need another doctor telling me that!

The definition of Abnormal is not typical , regular or usual; not normal.

I was surprised to not see my name under examples when I looked up the definition =)!

I would like to think that abnormal would only describe the medical part of my life but I am sure others(my husband) would argue with that! And I would probably agree with it as well that I am anything but normal!

I think there are times that I forget that I am not the norm. That I can't go to the doctor and walk out of there the same as when i walked in. Something makes me walk in there thinking its just a routine appointment and that I will feel better when I leave the office. But I am so quickly reminded when I am escorted to a procedure room and sliced and dug into to remove what can only be described as "abnormal"!

Another "abnormal" mass removed from my groin and a handful of lymph nodes removed and I find myself recuperating again. Not sure what is worse. Being cut into or having to lay around , not able to do much. It can make a person go crazy after awhile. I am sure if you ask my husband he would not argue with you on that =)!

But after I get over the shock and the small pity party that I throw for myself I realize that being abnormal isn't a bad thing. It's my normal!

I have to except me with all my lumps, bumps and scars and not let it bring me down. My husband said something to me last night that really struck me. He said "I have really missed you". It made me realize that I allow these things to not just lay me up but break my spirit too. My spirit is what will heal me. I need to find a way to find that spirit quicker next time because there will be a next time. There always is. But how you go into is what makes the difference!


"Living is Abnormal"

5 Stages of Grief!

Losing someone you love is never easy. 

Even when you know that it is coming, it doesn't make it any easier. 

Young , old, sick or unexpected, death hits you hard and you are left to deal with all the feelings that come with it.

Denial

    It is so easy to deny that you have lost someone. The days that follow the death of a loved one are the days that I think you deny it the most. You are dealing with so much so quickly that i think it doesn't really even hit you that you have lost this person that was so important to you. You are busy with the details of the funeral and what will be done with this and that that it's easier to deny that this is even happening then it is to realize that you lost someone you love. I think it's easier to deny it then to really face the fact that you will never see your loved on again.

Anger
    I think it's healthy to get angry. Getting angry doesn't mean that you don't love this person. It's a sign that you are hurting and trying to process this death. Angry because maybe it wasn't their time. I am sorry to say but I really hate the saying " it was their time". I don't care how old or sick one is, I am not a fan of that saying. I do not believe one should suffer at ALL but it's not someone else's place to say when someone else's time to leave this earth is.

Bargaining
    "If I do this, will you take away this pain?" Bargaining with God. If I stay busy enough and do this and that, maybe the pain I feel in my heart will go away.
I think this can be one of the hardest things to deal with.  I know just in everyday life when I try to keep my mind off certain things I try and stay as busy as I can but when life finally catches up with me, it hits me like a ton of bricks.  Nothing takes that pain away except to face it.

Depression
   Death is sad. There is no way around that. Nothing can bring that person back. Nothing can fill that spot in your heart that they filled.  You almost feel numb. The realization of it all hits you and there is nothing but sadness that hits you.
  

Acceptance

   There is no order, but usually Acceptance is the final stage of grief. When the realization of it all hits you and you finally accept it. You don't love them any less and you will think of them everyday but you finally accept that this is the new normal and that it is ok. And that some day you will see them again. You will still have days when you are sad and missing them will never go away but you will start to have less tears and more smiles again.


When you lose a loved one it always makes you look at life differently. It makes you not want to take life for granted. It makes you want to treasure every minute of every day!

For everyone who has ever lost someone or has watched a loved one suffer the lose of a loved one, my heart goes out to you all.

Treasure today!!

Everyday is a gift!! 

Doctors,Hospitals and Drugs oh My!!

What a way to start the new year off! 

I am hoping that if sickness comes into the house now, it means we are done for the year. Here's hoping at least.

Being sick yourself is hard enough, but having sick kids is even harder. And I hate to say that my kids are taking after me but I think they are taking after me in that they can't do sickness the easy way. They must go to the extreme. Flu is not the flu if you don't end up in the hospital with more issues. A cough is not a cough unless it turns into pneumonia. You don't really have a fever until it hits 103. Almost like they think we wont take them serious until they end up in the hospital!

Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. It brings so much happiness and joy into my life. Happiness that only a child can bring. It can also be the hardest job in the world. It can take every ounce of energy and emotion out of you and you have no choice but to keep going.

It is never easy to see your child sick but I do remember when my kids were little and they would be sick and would just want to cuddle with me all day. I always wanted them to get better but I never wanted that moment to fully end either. My 9 yr daughter will still cuddle up with me when she is sick but it comes with a little more drama now. My 13 yr old will only hold my hand now when he is sick and that only last  a few minutes.

Our son was in the hospital this last week and it was very hard to see him in that situation. It's hard to see any child in the hospital but its always different with your own. When my daughter was in the hospital this past summer with her broken leg, she would want me to lay with her and tell her its going to be ok. With my son it was hard because hes a 13 yr old boy. Cuddling with mom is not on the top of his list. The fear in his eyes was real and as with any parent, I just wanted to take it away. He is home now and feeling better. He again has an opinion on everything and doesn't want to do anything without a fight so I would say he has fully recovered=)!

My daughter must have been feeling left out because she decided it was her turn to come down with pneumonia. You know its bad when the doctors and pharmacist know you by first name. I almost felt like I should get them a Christmas gift =) !

No matter what age and no matter what sickness it is, as a parent you just want to be able to kiss it and make it all better. And when you can't, its very hard. But I must say that it does make me slow down. It makes me stop and really open my eyes. I hate that it has to take my child getting sick for m to stop but at least something good comes out of it. I am trying to learn to stop and smell the roses before I am forced to.

I can cuddle with my kids when they are not sick.

I can stop everything for the day any day.

I can stop and smell the roses with my kids any day I want.

I just have to remember that.

I hope your family is happy and healthy today and the rest of the year!

A New Year is Here!

Where did 2012 go?

 Seems like just yesterday we were celebrating the end of 2011. 

2012 is not a year that I am sad to see go. Seems like the more people I talk to feel the same way. 2013 has to be better then 2012, right?

Now I should try and be more positive. I shouldn't let all the bad things of 2012 take over the entire year. I am alive. My kids are healthy(finally). My marriage is strong. My family is close. So I try and keep that in my head when I think of 2012. 

I know 2013 will bring a world of change to my life. Change is a part of life. It can be scary. It can be unknown. A new year always brings new doors to open. New chances to take. New adventures to take. 

Change is really what a new years resolution is. Changing something in your life that you want to make better. No matter what it is, it is change.  Change for the better. 

It's time to not give up on life. To look at the good. To take life as it comes and not worry about what you can't control. 

I know that 2013 will not be all sunshine and rainbows, but I do hope for a few less rain clouds!

Happy New Year! Make it Count!