First Steps!!

When you first have a baby, you can't wait for them to start moving. Rolling over, sitting up, crawling and then finally walking. Each one another milestone.

I have forgotten what that feeling feels like. The excitement and joy that starts to fill your entire body! As your children get older , there are new milestones but you never forget the baby ones.

I got to feel that again when Hailey took her first steps again! It was like starting over all over again. The anticipation and the frustration all at the same time. She wanted it so badly and when it didn't start off right, the frustration started to start. We have been waiting for this day for 10 weeks now and its finally here. 

She has been off her leg now for 10 weeks and I think she thought it would be like riding a bike. After a long winter, you just get right back on it and start going. I think we all thought that. At least I did. 

I worry about what this will be like. I remember the days in the hospital and trying to get her to use crutches. It had seemed like such a long time ago but all those feelings came back as I watch her break down in tears saying " I have forgotten how to walk". 

I do the best I can as a mother. I  will sit right there and cry with you if that's what you need. I will get mad with you and I will fight too. I will do what I can to make it better. But even a mother can only do so much. There comes a point when I can no longer help and she must do it on her own. 

This is not something that will be fixed overnight( though I have wished that a million times)but it is something that will be fixed. And as the night went on , I saw Hailey take her first steps on her own. A joy that anyone can feel.  And whats even better is that many steps followed as well!!

I have tried many times to process this and what I have learned from Hailey breaking her leg.  Sometimes I come up short but other days I smile and know that I have raised an amazingly strong little girl!

The big question??

How do you stay so strong and positive?

That is a question that I am asked every time I run into someone who has heard my story. And It is a question I do not know how to answer. 

Today I heard a 13yr old girl who has been fighting cancer now for 6 yrs answer this question. She said that she once heard a fish tell her to "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming" ( a reference to  Finding Nemo). I had never heard it put that way but I watched this little girl say it with such strength that it was almost like common sense to her. 

I mean when you really think about it , what else is there to do but to "just keep swimming"! 

When you are hit with an illness or something that changes your life forever, you wonder how on earth you are going to survive. Not just the medical side but the emotional side as well. I have thought many times that it was my stubbornness to not let cancer take over me that got me through it. Some may substitute the word "stubbornness " with  "strength" but either one work for me.

When someone hears my story, they hear it in a nutshell. They hear about someone who has had cancer 5 times and has survived. They see strength and that I am still smiling today. What they don't hear is the fear and sadness of what cancer has taken from me. They don't hear about the days when I couldn't get out of bed or the days when even breathing hurt. And I guess that is one of the reasons that I have a hard time answering this question. I don't always see the strength or the positivity. There were to many days of negativity and weakness that come to my mind to see all the other stuff. 

Sometimes the people who fall apart in front of me are the ones who give me the strength. Does it mean that you must fall apart to be strong? NO. I just mean that it shows all sides to what is really going on. 

I want to show others that you too can be strong and positive when going through hell. But I also want others to know that there is so much more that everyone doesn't see and hear.

My bad days are the days that have given me the strength that I think is what everyone else sees. I do know that I am strong person and I do believe that I can survive anything but I also know that there will be more days to come that will test that strength.

Next time I am asked this question, I am going to say that an amazing 13yr girl told me to "just keep swimming".

Today I hate Cancer!!!

Everyone has good days and bad days! I think I have my share of bad days but I like to think that I have more good then bad. Sometimes that's harder to see. Sometimes all you see are the bad days and you forget about the ones that make you smile.

Today I hate Cancer!!!

Sometimes I can understand why I am having a bad day. I don't feel good. I didn't get enough sleep. I have to much on my plate. I feel fat. I feel too skinny.  I didn't get up in time. The kids are fighting. I am fighting with the kids. Ryan isn't home. Ryan and I are fighting. And the list could go on and on. 

But at least I understand what has put me in my bad mood.  

The days that are bad that have no reason are the ones that bother me the most. And sure if you dig deeper there is always an issue that is making you have this bad day but sometimes it takes you all day to figure it out. And you try everything to make it better but you can't seem to make it go away. Its like telling your child that mommy will kiss it and it will feel all better. You can kiss it as much as you want but we all know that that kiss doesn't fix the hurt. 

We all have triggers! Things that bring us to that dark place. At least I do!

I will be very honest and say that there are days that I feel blessed that Cancer came into my life. It might be hard for some people top understand that but I think cancer has molded the person I am. Its hard for me to imagine if I would be the same person I am today had I never heard the words "you have cancer".  Cancer brought bonds into my life that I didn't know possible. I have been able to inspire others because of my cancer. I have found strength in myself that I admired in others.

Some days I feel that I can handle it all. I can carry all the weight on my shoulders and its  almost like I have super powers.

Today I feel like I wish I never knew cancer. But I don't just wish that for myself, I wish it for everyone. What would the world be like without cancer?

I get frustrated because I am definitely the type of person who likes to do it all. No task is to big and nothing is out of reach. And I will push myself to do it all and seem to always land on my ass when I am done. I know my limits but I am to stubborn to follow them.

My husband ran a marathon a few years back. He trained for months to get himself ready. We all went into the city to show our support and cheer him on. As you sit and watch thousands of people run 26 miles you get inspired. Some run it for the winnings. Some run to raise money for a charity or organization. Some to just check it off their bucket list.
I got inspired to run a marathon. At the time I thought of Lance Armstrong. He is someone who had always inspired me because he didn't let cancer hold him back. I thought next year I will run this marathon and my husband can be as proud of me as I was of him.
I have never really been a runner and so I started slow. Start with running a minute and add one each day. I was able to run a few miles at a time and was starting to feel pretty good about myself. As I continued I started to get horrible pains in my knees and legs. So I went to the doctor and explained what I was doing. Well because of my cancer in my abdomen and the removal of my abdominal muscle , I would never be able to run far. Just something else that I could put on my list of things I am unable to do.

I think in my mind I thought that once I beat that cancer that l would never really have to think about it again. That it was gone and that life turns back to normal. Or at least the new normal.  But its a reality that every once in awhile slaps me in the face and knocks me down.

And believe me I know I am blessed beyond words. But there are days when you just have to bitch and today is that day for me!!

Tomorrow will be a new day!!!

Hair

My hair is something I do not take for granted. And maybe its something that one can not understand until they have lost theirs. Probably a lesson in life there. You don't really appreciate anything until you no longer have it. 

Recently I saw that Kelly Pickler, country music star, shaved her head because her best friend was undergoing treatment for Breast Cancer. I always thought Kelly Pickler was pretty but I truly look at her now and think she is so very beautiful. It's beauty you only get when you let everyone see your heart. I think she will never really know what that means to her best friend but it will forever change her and the world.

Cancer all by itself sucks. Then not only do you have to deal with the fact that you have cancer but you have to deal with everything that comes with it too. Hair lose, weight lose, weight gain, surgery,drugs, treatment, exhaustion, sadness, fear etc.... It comes with more baggage then one can carry on their own. 

I remember when my hair began to fall out this last time I was undergoing treatment. I tried to hide it the best I can. The chances were high that I would not lose it all so there was no need to just shave it to make the process easier. But at times I sure thought about it. It would come out in clumps and I would just try and throw them away before anyone could see. I got my hair cut short so that it would look fuller because it was becoming so thin and I wanted to cover up the bare spots. 

I remember this one time in particular when I had just gotten out of the shower and Ryan got in after me. Now I usually do a clean sweep of the shower before I leave because the shower was always the time my hair would come out in clumps. He got in and started to make a fuss about something in the shower. When I opened the shower door and said what , he quickly said "oh nothing, just a bug". I looked and could see that my hair was everywhere. We both pretended that neither one of us saw it but we both knew what was happening. I closed the door and turned in sadness. I do not know what was going through his mind but I can't help but think the same thing.

It was hard for me because Ryan has always expressed that he is a hair guy. Hes a hair and butt guy!  My hair was falling out and my ass was shrinking because I was losing so much weight that I felt anything but beautiful and was wondering if he thought it too. He always did such an amazing job of making me feel as though nothing had changed. But we both knew it did. The hair got thinner and the clothes got loser and for the first time in a long time I looked sick. Its one thing to feel sick but to look it too is so much worse. 

So now my hair is long again and the clothes fit a little tighter now but I can remember those day like it was yesterday. I can remember wondering if everyone was looking at me and what they thought. 

The support that you surround yourself with is the thing that gets you through it. Sure surgery and drugs help, but without the love and support it doesn't matter what drugs they give you or how many times you get cut open. 

I believe that you learn what is truly important when Cancer comes into your life or your loved ones life. You realize that the hair will grow back but the time I have with this loved one may not be there forever.

My view on love and friendship has been restored and I am inspired to be there for someone who too may need more then just a hand to hold!! 

To many stories!!!

Everyone has their own story to tell. Every story different and unique. Some are happy and some are sad. Some make you think more then others. Some make you laugh and some make you cry. I never get tired of hearing someone tell me their story.

But today I am tired of hearing the story!!!!

It's the story that no one should ever have to tell.

It's the story that breaks your heart!

It's the story that you will never forget.

It's the story of someone losing their child to cancer.

We had house guest staying with us this past week from Africa. Ryan does a lot of work and traveling over there and when he goes there  he stays with them. So it was nice to be able to host them in our house since they take such good care of Ryan when he is over there.

Ryan came home last night after a long day of working with them and told me that one of them had lost their child to cancer just a month ago. I was shocked. My heart just went out to him and his family.
I watched him over the past few days create a bond with Hailey that I believe will stay with her forever. He had such a way with here that she just smiled every time he was around. Referring to him as the " Fun Kid one". It was precious to see. So as he said goodbye to me today, he shared with me that he lost his child a month ago to leukemia. He expressed to me that it was such a joy to be able to play with Hailey and you could see a smile on his face that was not there before. He said he gets depressed and can't sleep because of it. He said he enjoyed Hailey so very much and I was so very touched. I know Hailey will be too.

It's the story that breaks your heart in a away that you did not know possible. You wonder what to say or how to respond. You wonder how he even breathes everyday.  It's the one story you want to change if you could.

I feel blessed to have been able to share our family with him and hopefully fill his heart with some joy. Hailey is a special little girl who manages to fill every ones'  hearts with joy.

I think everyone can say they know of someone who has lost someone to cancer. I truly wish that that was not a true statement.

My heart breaks for Cancer and what it does to people everywhere around this world!!!