Cancer... I hate you... I thank you...
Today I sit down to right this with a very heavy heart. With tears in my eyes. With a piece of my heart breaking. But I sit down to write this because I have to continue to Hope. I have to believe in believing. Believing that there is light through all the darkness.
No one needs to be reminded that cancer is full of darkness. It's full of fear and sadness. It's full of more tears then you knew your body could even shed. It's digs deep inside your beliefs. It makes you doubt life like never before. It confuses you. It shreds you into pieces. It is full of questions that will never be answered.
But....
Even on the darkest days you find a strength that you didn't know you had. You don't let cancer just come in and win. You Fight! You wipe your tears, you pick up your pieces and you fight like hell!
Cancer makes you Stop! Dead in your tracks. It makes you open your eyes and really see what life is all about. It makes you appreciate life like never before. It forces you to do all the things you have always wanted to do. It surrounds you with people you wonder how you ever survived without them before.
Cancer has taught me to hope in a way I didn't know possible. Hope that tomorrow will be better then today. Hope that my children will not know this fear. Hope that no one will have to lose their loved one to cancer. Hope that there will be a cure. No matter what stage!
Right now cancer is taking another fighter. A fighter who through her fight has given strength to so many. She has made us all stop and smell the flowers.
To many know this feeling. To many have shed these same tears.
So from this darkness we must see the light. We must shine that light bright and fight like hell!
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Life Lessons....
I have learned a lot about life in my 34 years!
Some I have learned the easy way and some I have learned the hard way! But each lesson has taught me something.
- Never take life for granted.
- Be kind to not only others but to yourself too.
- Be grateful for what you have everyday.
- Family will always be there.... no matter what.
- Children truly are a gift from God.
- Miracles can happen and do happen.
- Hair grows back.
- Laughter is the best medicine.
- Life is to short to spend time hating anyone.
- It's OK to fight with God.
- When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
- Time heals almost everything. You just have to give it time.
- True love does exist.
- Crying doesn't make you weak.
- Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
- No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
- If you don't ask questions, you will never know.
- It's OK to admit when you are wrong (even if it hurts to say it).
- True beauty is on the inside.
- Give yourself and others permission to make mistakes.
- Dream big.
- It's never to late to say "I Love You".
- It's good to face your fears. Jump!
- Children are stronger then we think.
- A house does not make a home. The people inside it does.
- It's OK to ask for help.
- You don't always know what you had until it's gone.
- A smile really can change the darkest day.
- True friends are always there...no matter what the distance between you is.
- That there is always hope and you must hold onto it.
- Things happen for a reason.
- It's OK to let your children see you cry.
- Don't compare yourself to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
- Forgive.
- No pill can take away all the pain.
- Be careful with your words. They can break or make someone.
- It's OK to be different.
- Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose but you must keep playing the game.
- It's OK to drink champagne for no reason at all.
- Don't judge a book by its cover.
- It's perfectly normal to eat the entire tub of raw cookie dough.
- Don't live with regrets.
- Sometimes you have to let go even when it hurts.
- You may have to fight a battle more then once to win it.
- Stand up for what you believe.
- It's OK to say No.
- Your never to old to dance.
- Bad things happen to good people and we will never understand why.
- Being a parent is the hardest job in the world.
- Life does go on even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
There are so many more lessons to come and I look forward to each and everyone because this life is worth each and everyone!
Some I have learned the easy way and some I have learned the hard way! But each lesson has taught me something.
- Never take life for granted.
- Be kind to not only others but to yourself too.
- Be grateful for what you have everyday.
- Family will always be there.... no matter what.
- Children truly are a gift from God.
- Miracles can happen and do happen.
- Hair grows back.
- Laughter is the best medicine.
- Life is to short to spend time hating anyone.
- It's OK to fight with God.
- When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
- Time heals almost everything. You just have to give it time.
- True love does exist.
- Crying doesn't make you weak.
- Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
- No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
- If you don't ask questions, you will never know.
- It's OK to admit when you are wrong (even if it hurts to say it).
- True beauty is on the inside.
- Give yourself and others permission to make mistakes.
- Dream big.
- It's never to late to say "I Love You".
- It's good to face your fears. Jump!
- Children are stronger then we think.
- A house does not make a home. The people inside it does.
- It's OK to ask for help.
- You don't always know what you had until it's gone.
- A smile really can change the darkest day.
- True friends are always there...no matter what the distance between you is.
- That there is always hope and you must hold onto it.
- Things happen for a reason.
- It's OK to let your children see you cry.
- Don't compare yourself to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
- Forgive.
- No pill can take away all the pain.
- Be careful with your words. They can break or make someone.
- It's OK to be different.
- Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose but you must keep playing the game.
- It's OK to drink champagne for no reason at all.
- Don't judge a book by its cover.
- It's perfectly normal to eat the entire tub of raw cookie dough.
- Don't live with regrets.
- Sometimes you have to let go even when it hurts.
- You may have to fight a battle more then once to win it.
- Stand up for what you believe.
- It's OK to say No.
- Your never to old to dance.
- Bad things happen to good people and we will never understand why.
- Being a parent is the hardest job in the world.
- Life does go on even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
There are so many more lessons to come and I look forward to each and everyone because this life is worth each and everyone!
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
World Cancer Day!
Today is World Cancer Day!
A day to bring awareness about Cancer to everyone around the world!
A day to be thankful for surviving.
A day to remember those we have lost.
A day to remember why we still fight.
There's no one not affected by Cancer. One way or another, cancer has touched all of our lives.
Cancer comes into your life unexpectedly and you wonder how on earth you are going to survive. You ask yourself all these questions and most of them you don't have the answers to. But you have no choice. You were not asked if you wanted to get cancer. You were not asked if this was a good time. I mean lets be honest, is there ever a good time to get cancer?
So I take days like this and I try to look back and see how far I have come. I do not know what tomorrow will bring or what my blood count will be or if I will even have the energy to get out of bed BUT I know today is a day to be thankful for surviving cancer. It is a day to inspire others to keep fighting. It is a day to remember those that we have lost but continue to inspire us to not give up!
Days like this always remind me to keep my head up. I may have had to cut my hair because it was falling out and I may not be able to eat everything that I would like and I may not always feel like I have enough energy to get through the day BUT DAMMIT I am here!!
Cancer does that to you. It slaps you in the face and reminds you exactly what life is all about. It's about taking that time and not rushing through life. It's about loving with all your heart. It's about taking chances. It's about fighting even when you want to give up. It's about being thankful, everyday!
Cancer try's to take everything it can from you. It try's to be stronger then you. BUT what ends up happening is that you become stronger because of it. You become a fighter. You become a Survivor.
I have learned that I may have to fight the battle more then once in order to win this war but that each time it only makes me stronger!
I have HOPE that February 4th will some day just be February 4th!
A day to bring awareness about Cancer to everyone around the world!
A day to be thankful for surviving.
A day to remember those we have lost.
A day to remember why we still fight.
There's no one not affected by Cancer. One way or another, cancer has touched all of our lives.
Cancer comes into your life unexpectedly and you wonder how on earth you are going to survive. You ask yourself all these questions and most of them you don't have the answers to. But you have no choice. You were not asked if you wanted to get cancer. You were not asked if this was a good time. I mean lets be honest, is there ever a good time to get cancer?
So I take days like this and I try to look back and see how far I have come. I do not know what tomorrow will bring or what my blood count will be or if I will even have the energy to get out of bed BUT I know today is a day to be thankful for surviving cancer. It is a day to inspire others to keep fighting. It is a day to remember those that we have lost but continue to inspire us to not give up!
Days like this always remind me to keep my head up. I may have had to cut my hair because it was falling out and I may not be able to eat everything that I would like and I may not always feel like I have enough energy to get through the day BUT DAMMIT I am here!!
Cancer does that to you. It slaps you in the face and reminds you exactly what life is all about. It's about taking that time and not rushing through life. It's about loving with all your heart. It's about taking chances. It's about fighting even when you want to give up. It's about being thankful, everyday!
Cancer try's to take everything it can from you. It try's to be stronger then you. BUT what ends up happening is that you become stronger because of it. You become a fighter. You become a Survivor.
I have learned that I may have to fight the battle more then once in order to win this war but that each time it only makes me stronger!
I have HOPE that February 4th will some day just be February 4th!
Friday, January 10, 2014
Why Walk?
Why do we continue to walk 60 miles in 3 days?
This is a question I am asked over and over again. And each time I could give a different reason because there are that many reasons.
I signed up for my first walk 2 months before I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be apart of the fight.I had no idea that this walk would literally change my life forever.
When you are training to walk 60 miles, you don't really know exactly what its going to be like. You follow your cheat sheet and you walk so many miles this day and so many the next but nothing really fully prepares you for what you will experience.
Obviously my first walk was extremely emotional for me. I had had surgery a few months before to remove the lump in my left breast and the lymph nodes that were affected by the cancer. I was undergoing treatment and was encouraged to not walk. But since we all know how stubborn I am, I started off on a journey that would heal me like no drug ever could.
You are surrounded by a sea of pink. There is no where you can turn that you don't see pink. You see men, women and children all there for the same reason. You hear the stories of those who have beat cancer. You hear the stories of loved ones lost. And you hear the stories of those still fighting. You hear laughter and you see tears. You see a community that comes together for 3 days with only one thing on their minds. An end to Breast Cancer.
As I took my first steps, I knew that the road ahead would be a very trying task for me. I knew there was a chance that my body would give out. That I would be too weak to continue. What I didn't realize was that the 2000 people walking beside me would get me to the finish line. That the people that I met along the way would not only take this 60 mile journey with me but would walk with me for years to comes. And not just walk with me but walk for me when I couldn't.
I finished my first walk and knew that I was hooked. I knew that my feet would recover and I would forget how tired and sore I was and would be back for more!
This walk saved my life. It healed wounds that I didn't know could be healed. It brought people into my life that give me strength when I don't have any left. It gave me a chance to tell my story and touch the lives of so many. It gave me hope that I didn't have before. Hope for the days and years to come.
Now I may not agree with all the choices that Susan G Komen has made but I am forever grateful to them. I am grateful for the experience and the people that have made my life whole.
I sit and listen to the stories and it continues to give me hope. Some make you cry tears of joy and some make you cry tears of sadness. But each one gives me the strength to continue fighting.
This year I will be walking in Dallas with my girls! There is not a walk in any of our cities but that has not stopped us from walking! Who knows what the year has ahead for me or what shape my body will be in but I know that my will to fight is stronger then ever!
I am beyond grateful for the love and support I have gotten from my friends and family. Without them, none of it would be possible. They may not all walk 60 miles with me but they have walked with me and have never left my side
So as you see the commercials and ads for the 3 day, remember that this is more then walking 60 miles. Its about never losing hope!
If you have a few minutes, copy this link!
http://flipagram.com/f/fb8FHjDZqW
This is a question I am asked over and over again. And each time I could give a different reason because there are that many reasons.
I signed up for my first walk 2 months before I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be apart of the fight.I had no idea that this walk would literally change my life forever.
When you are training to walk 60 miles, you don't really know exactly what its going to be like. You follow your cheat sheet and you walk so many miles this day and so many the next but nothing really fully prepares you for what you will experience.
Obviously my first walk was extremely emotional for me. I had had surgery a few months before to remove the lump in my left breast and the lymph nodes that were affected by the cancer. I was undergoing treatment and was encouraged to not walk. But since we all know how stubborn I am, I started off on a journey that would heal me like no drug ever could.
You are surrounded by a sea of pink. There is no where you can turn that you don't see pink. You see men, women and children all there for the same reason. You hear the stories of those who have beat cancer. You hear the stories of loved ones lost. And you hear the stories of those still fighting. You hear laughter and you see tears. You see a community that comes together for 3 days with only one thing on their minds. An end to Breast Cancer.
As I took my first steps, I knew that the road ahead would be a very trying task for me. I knew there was a chance that my body would give out. That I would be too weak to continue. What I didn't realize was that the 2000 people walking beside me would get me to the finish line. That the people that I met along the way would not only take this 60 mile journey with me but would walk with me for years to comes. And not just walk with me but walk for me when I couldn't.
I finished my first walk and knew that I was hooked. I knew that my feet would recover and I would forget how tired and sore I was and would be back for more!
This walk saved my life. It healed wounds that I didn't know could be healed. It brought people into my life that give me strength when I don't have any left. It gave me a chance to tell my story and touch the lives of so many. It gave me hope that I didn't have before. Hope for the days and years to come.
Now I may not agree with all the choices that Susan G Komen has made but I am forever grateful to them. I am grateful for the experience and the people that have made my life whole.
I sit and listen to the stories and it continues to give me hope. Some make you cry tears of joy and some make you cry tears of sadness. But each one gives me the strength to continue fighting.
This year I will be walking in Dallas with my girls! There is not a walk in any of our cities but that has not stopped us from walking! Who knows what the year has ahead for me or what shape my body will be in but I know that my will to fight is stronger then ever!
I am beyond grateful for the love and support I have gotten from my friends and family. Without them, none of it would be possible. They may not all walk 60 miles with me but they have walked with me and have never left my side
So as you see the commercials and ads for the 3 day, remember that this is more then walking 60 miles. Its about never losing hope!
If you have a few minutes, copy this link!
http://flipagram.com/f/fb8FHjDZqW
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Believe.....
A friend reminded me to never stop believing!
"I Believe in pink.
I Believe that laughing is the best calorie burner.
I Believe in kissing, Kissing a lot.
I Believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong.
I Believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls.
I Believe that tomorrow is another day..
& I Believe in miracles."
Sometimes its hard to keep believing when everything is telling you not to. When the world is trying to knock you down or kill your dreams, you wonder what to believe in. But when I stop letting the world tell me what to believe, I remember that living is believing!
And being reminded today to keep believing has given me the strength to fight on all over again!
My daughter Hailey still believes in Santa Claus. And she doesn't just believe in Santa for the gifts(though I am sure that helps) but she believes in the magic and wonder of Santa. When you stop believing, Santa stops coming.
And that goes with everyday life too. When you don't believe that its all going to be OK, how will it ever be OK?
I believe that life doesn't give you what you can't handle. Even when it feels like you are drowning,
you always find a way to come up for air.
I believe that you should never take life for granted. You never know when life will be taken from you.
I believe that what doesn't kill you does make you stronger.
I believe that people are brought into your life at just the right time. And they forever change you.
I believe in laughing until you cry. I mean what is better then that.
I believe in Love. Real Love. Life changing love. Happily ever after love. The Notebook Movie Love.
I believe that who you are makes you more beautiful. I have more scars on my body then I can count but I think they only make me more beautiful inside and out.
I believe that my children are the best medicine.
I believe in a good martini!
I believe in true friendship! Friends that hold your hands and dry your tears. Friends that push you to be the person you are. Friends that stay with you no matter how many miles are between you!
I believe in Karma. And its a Bitch!
I believe in Family! And that they will love you no matter what!
I believe in dreams! I believe that dreams really do come true. And that you should never stop reaching for them.
I believe in Hope! Without it, I would not be here.
I believe that I have won many battles with cancer but that the war is far from over! Cancer will follow me the rest of my life BUT I do believe that I will WIN!
I believe in the good of people!
I believe that hate is not worth holding onto!
I believe that no life is not worth fighting for!
I believe in words! I believe in saying what you feel(not that I ever have a problem with that). But I believe that you can never hear "I love you" to many times!
I believe in second chances!
I believe in a good cup of coffee! How the hell does one live without it?!
I believe in giving! There is no greater feeling then giving what you have to offer to others.
I believe in smiling! EVERYDAY! Even when you don't want to! SMILE!
I BELIEVE THAT TODAY IS A GIFT!
I Believe that laughing is the best calorie burner.
I Believe in kissing, Kissing a lot.
I Believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong.
I Believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls.
I Believe that tomorrow is another day..
& I Believe in miracles."
Sometimes its hard to keep believing when everything is telling you not to. When the world is trying to knock you down or kill your dreams, you wonder what to believe in. But when I stop letting the world tell me what to believe, I remember that living is believing!
And being reminded today to keep believing has given me the strength to fight on all over again!
My daughter Hailey still believes in Santa Claus. And she doesn't just believe in Santa for the gifts(though I am sure that helps) but she believes in the magic and wonder of Santa. When you stop believing, Santa stops coming.
And that goes with everyday life too. When you don't believe that its all going to be OK, how will it ever be OK?
I believe that life doesn't give you what you can't handle. Even when it feels like you are drowning,
you always find a way to come up for air.
I believe that you should never take life for granted. You never know when life will be taken from you.
I believe that what doesn't kill you does make you stronger.
I believe that people are brought into your life at just the right time. And they forever change you.
I believe in laughing until you cry. I mean what is better then that.
I believe in Love. Real Love. Life changing love. Happily ever after love. The Notebook Movie Love.
I believe that who you are makes you more beautiful. I have more scars on my body then I can count but I think they only make me more beautiful inside and out.
I believe that my children are the best medicine.
I believe in a good martini!
I believe in true friendship! Friends that hold your hands and dry your tears. Friends that push you to be the person you are. Friends that stay with you no matter how many miles are between you!
I believe in Karma. And its a Bitch!
I believe in Family! And that they will love you no matter what!
I believe in dreams! I believe that dreams really do come true. And that you should never stop reaching for them.
I believe in Hope! Without it, I would not be here.
I believe that I have won many battles with cancer but that the war is far from over! Cancer will follow me the rest of my life BUT I do believe that I will WIN!
I believe in the good of people!
I believe that hate is not worth holding onto!
I believe that no life is not worth fighting for!
I believe in words! I believe in saying what you feel(not that I ever have a problem with that). But I believe that you can never hear "I love you" to many times!
I believe in second chances!
I believe in a good cup of coffee! How the hell does one live without it?!
I believe in giving! There is no greater feeling then giving what you have to offer to others.
I believe in smiling! EVERYDAY! Even when you don't want to! SMILE!
I BELIEVE THAT TODAY IS A GIFT!
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Faith.....
Faith is defined as the belief and trust in something or someone. It usual refers to your belief in God.
I am not one to really talk about my faith and my relationship with God because it is very complicated. But today I was talking with a friend who was newly diagnosed with a Cancer again and faith and God kept coming up in the conversation.
So I thought I would try and explain my faith journey.
A few years ago I was asked to give a sermon at church and tell my story. Now the pastor knew me pretty well and knew that my relationship with God was pretty complicated. But for whatever reason, he trusted me to get up there and tell my story. It was one of the hardest speeches I have ever had to give because it made me face head on my relationship with God.
My story has its good parts and its bad. It has the lightness and the darkness. It just happens that the dark parts of my story play a more prominent role than they do in most stories. It is like the story of Job in the bible. But I'm no Job.
At 15 you can't really grasp what cancer is. You see the doctors mouths moving but you don't hear anything. You listen as if they are talking about someone else. You hear only what you want to hear.The only time I cried was when the doctor told me he would have to remove my belly button. How was I supposed to get my belly button pierced without a bell button. But he assured me he would make me one.
A 8 hour surgery determined that the cancer was worse then they had thought and that it probably had been growing inside me for years. I don't remember having much of response to this. I don't remember being afraid. It was as if I was numb.
As the day to day treatments started, I threw myself into life. If it could be done, I did it! Life went on and I survived!
It wasn't until I was 18 that God really entered into my story. It was then when the doctors gave me a choice of either chemotherapy or surgery. Chemo may not work and would most likely destroy my bone marrow. Surgery would be more definitive but there was a good chance I would not survive.
With 24 hours to decide, I decided surgery and God became my villain. He wasn't my hero. He was the one who had caused my cancer, or at least allowed it.
During that exact time a friend from high school sent me a forward of a story of a boy who had cancer, but through faith prayed for healing and the tumor disappeared. I thought it was the cruelest thing someone could send another person facing terminal cancer. Did I not have enough faith? Was I judged and found lacking? Or, like most email forwards I get, was it a fraud, and God along with it. I sent a not so nice reply back to the sender.
And if I wasn't being tested enough in my faith, my mom insisted that I get blessed by our priest before surgery. I went to the Catholic Church as a courtesy to her and nothing else. I was given the opportunity to confess my sins and given a blessing that sounded a lot like the last rites. It was like being escorted to the grave by a stranger. I told God that I would confess my sins if he confessed his first. With no reply, I kept my sins. At least they were mine. God could take my life, but I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of self-deprecation.
So as they laid me onto a stainless steel and cold table, I thought about my last words. And how you think the last words that someone says is "I love you". But in reality the last words I was going to speak was "Four". See they bring out the gas and ask you to count backwards from ten and 4 is as far as I have ever gotten.
TEN- You life doesn't pass before your eyes. Not when you're 18
NINE- At least not the life you've already had. Instead it is the life you will never have.
EIGHT-
SEVEN- I walked up slowly to the rim of the cliff and peered over the edge into the abyss.
SIX- I won't try to describe what I saw. I can't. It doesn't fit readily into human words or concepts.
FIVE- But it changed me... Forever
FOUR- Everything goes black.
When I woke up from surgery we were told that there was no tumor. The tumor had disappeared. The doctors said " Call it a mistake, a medical anomaly, a miracle, whatever you want. Just don't ask your doctor about it again. He won't tell you what happened. You'll have to decide that for yourself." And as he left the room he said " and we never had this conversation." Apparently they don't like to talk about things like this.
The conversation that never happen punctured my whole worldview like none I had ever had before or since. Like trying to grab smoke in your hand, my mind grappled to make sense of it all. Give me an explanation. There must be a rational reason.
Don't let this be God. Oh, Please, don't let this be God. What would that mean if this were God?
For a moment it was like being face to face with God. And like a staring contest to see who would blink first, we just sat there, our gazes locked. In the total silence and complete stillness of the moment my breath stopped, subservient to the notions of what might be. And then God winked, and I was at peace with my limited understanding of a universe and eternity that is wider and deeper than the human imagination.
And so life went on. Cameron was born shortly after that and his sister to follow 4 years later. Life when on as it should. And through is all, God would pop in and out of my life unobtrusively , sharing my victories and my defeats. I was finally at peace.
And then the Summer of 2005 came and it tested me all over again. I became pregnant with our third child and as we grew confident with this pregnancy we began to tell our friends and family. Two days later I miscarried. All the joy is replaced with extreme sadness. And , as if overnight, everyone around you seems to be pregnant. Each expectant mother only makes you more mad at God.
I lashed out angrily at God and he didn't even have the courtesy or goodness to respond to the charges. Why my child? Why had my life been spared- maybe even miraculously- but my baby's life wasn't with His effort?
My ranting against God was interrupted by the source of the miscarriage: extreme endometriosis. A painful year and a total hysterectomy later and my anger at an apathetic God turned into apathy with an angry God.
Was I even a women anymore, without a uterus or ovaries? Are you really a woman if you don't have the womanly parts?
So at 27 years old I found myself going through menopause. At least it gave me an excuse for my mood swings and made me very popular with 50 year old women who shared the common experience of hot flashes.
It was to control the hot flashes that the doctors put me estrogen. It was the estrogen that caused the Breast Cancer. One surgery later and 20 pounds lighter I finished my 27th and 28th year on earth without Cancer.
I threw myself into raising money for Susan G Komen through the 3-day, 60 mile walks. It was between the Chicago and Atlanta walk that I did that they discovered he skin cancer on my stomach from the radiation treatment i received as a teenager.
I had the malignant tissue removed on a Tuesday and walked 60 miles that following weekend. I think the doctors wanted to tell me not to do the walk, but knew better. And sure enough I walked all 60 miles. Not in record time but all 60.
When I turned 30, I was able to start a new decade of my life. Now I could sum up my life in cliches. I could tell you that I have learned that every day is a gift and every relationship is to be cherished, but I couldn't do it without sounding corny.
I have learned that it takes all the colors on the canvas of my experience to make the mural of my life. The pastel greens of my children's birthdays. The deep reds of pain that were my own or shared by another. The warm yellows and oranges of love. The strokes of black and grey that are hurts that won't go away... ever. And the bare whiteness of the canvas, not yet filled with the colors of life.
I hope that my struggles and pain have made me a better person, a stronger person. Nietzsche said that "what does not kill you, makes you stronger." I'm not sure if that's true, but I hope so.
Now, don't get me wrong, I still do the self-pity thing and gossip and lose my temper. But from time to time, I have a flashback to one of the times I strayed into close proximity with death or God. And I am reminded that our time is limited and that we are each given the task of making the world a better place. I try to us this insight. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail.
And what of God? It's complicated.
I envy the simple faith of my daughter, Hailey. She KNOWS God is good all the time and everywhere. Her trust is complete.
I like to think of my relationship with God as more of a relationship. And like any relationship sometimes we fight. Sometimes we disagree. Sometimes I get mad and pout when I don't get me way. but like any good relationship, I know He will still be there for me when I come back around. We have the weathered relationship of old friends who've been through some tough times together.
And now I know that He cries when we cry and He smiles when we smile. And that has made all the difference.
I am not one to really talk about my faith and my relationship with God because it is very complicated. But today I was talking with a friend who was newly diagnosed with a Cancer again and faith and God kept coming up in the conversation.
So I thought I would try and explain my faith journey.
A few years ago I was asked to give a sermon at church and tell my story. Now the pastor knew me pretty well and knew that my relationship with God was pretty complicated. But for whatever reason, he trusted me to get up there and tell my story. It was one of the hardest speeches I have ever had to give because it made me face head on my relationship with God.
My story has its good parts and its bad. It has the lightness and the darkness. It just happens that the dark parts of my story play a more prominent role than they do in most stories. It is like the story of Job in the bible. But I'm no Job.
At 15 you can't really grasp what cancer is. You see the doctors mouths moving but you don't hear anything. You listen as if they are talking about someone else. You hear only what you want to hear.The only time I cried was when the doctor told me he would have to remove my belly button. How was I supposed to get my belly button pierced without a bell button. But he assured me he would make me one.
A 8 hour surgery determined that the cancer was worse then they had thought and that it probably had been growing inside me for years. I don't remember having much of response to this. I don't remember being afraid. It was as if I was numb.
As the day to day treatments started, I threw myself into life. If it could be done, I did it! Life went on and I survived!
It wasn't until I was 18 that God really entered into my story. It was then when the doctors gave me a choice of either chemotherapy or surgery. Chemo may not work and would most likely destroy my bone marrow. Surgery would be more definitive but there was a good chance I would not survive.
With 24 hours to decide, I decided surgery and God became my villain. He wasn't my hero. He was the one who had caused my cancer, or at least allowed it.
During that exact time a friend from high school sent me a forward of a story of a boy who had cancer, but through faith prayed for healing and the tumor disappeared. I thought it was the cruelest thing someone could send another person facing terminal cancer. Did I not have enough faith? Was I judged and found lacking? Or, like most email forwards I get, was it a fraud, and God along with it. I sent a not so nice reply back to the sender.
And if I wasn't being tested enough in my faith, my mom insisted that I get blessed by our priest before surgery. I went to the Catholic Church as a courtesy to her and nothing else. I was given the opportunity to confess my sins and given a blessing that sounded a lot like the last rites. It was like being escorted to the grave by a stranger. I told God that I would confess my sins if he confessed his first. With no reply, I kept my sins. At least they were mine. God could take my life, but I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of self-deprecation.
So as they laid me onto a stainless steel and cold table, I thought about my last words. And how you think the last words that someone says is "I love you". But in reality the last words I was going to speak was "Four". See they bring out the gas and ask you to count backwards from ten and 4 is as far as I have ever gotten.
TEN- You life doesn't pass before your eyes. Not when you're 18
NINE- At least not the life you've already had. Instead it is the life you will never have.
EIGHT-
SEVEN- I walked up slowly to the rim of the cliff and peered over the edge into the abyss.
SIX- I won't try to describe what I saw. I can't. It doesn't fit readily into human words or concepts.
FIVE- But it changed me... Forever
FOUR- Everything goes black.
When I woke up from surgery we were told that there was no tumor. The tumor had disappeared. The doctors said " Call it a mistake, a medical anomaly, a miracle, whatever you want. Just don't ask your doctor about it again. He won't tell you what happened. You'll have to decide that for yourself." And as he left the room he said " and we never had this conversation." Apparently they don't like to talk about things like this.
The conversation that never happen punctured my whole worldview like none I had ever had before or since. Like trying to grab smoke in your hand, my mind grappled to make sense of it all. Give me an explanation. There must be a rational reason.
Don't let this be God. Oh, Please, don't let this be God. What would that mean if this were God?
For a moment it was like being face to face with God. And like a staring contest to see who would blink first, we just sat there, our gazes locked. In the total silence and complete stillness of the moment my breath stopped, subservient to the notions of what might be. And then God winked, and I was at peace with my limited understanding of a universe and eternity that is wider and deeper than the human imagination.
And so life went on. Cameron was born shortly after that and his sister to follow 4 years later. Life when on as it should. And through is all, God would pop in and out of my life unobtrusively , sharing my victories and my defeats. I was finally at peace.
And then the Summer of 2005 came and it tested me all over again. I became pregnant with our third child and as we grew confident with this pregnancy we began to tell our friends and family. Two days later I miscarried. All the joy is replaced with extreme sadness. And , as if overnight, everyone around you seems to be pregnant. Each expectant mother only makes you more mad at God.
I lashed out angrily at God and he didn't even have the courtesy or goodness to respond to the charges. Why my child? Why had my life been spared- maybe even miraculously- but my baby's life wasn't with His effort?
My ranting against God was interrupted by the source of the miscarriage: extreme endometriosis. A painful year and a total hysterectomy later and my anger at an apathetic God turned into apathy with an angry God.
Was I even a women anymore, without a uterus or ovaries? Are you really a woman if you don't have the womanly parts?
So at 27 years old I found myself going through menopause. At least it gave me an excuse for my mood swings and made me very popular with 50 year old women who shared the common experience of hot flashes.
It was to control the hot flashes that the doctors put me estrogen. It was the estrogen that caused the Breast Cancer. One surgery later and 20 pounds lighter I finished my 27th and 28th year on earth without Cancer.
I threw myself into raising money for Susan G Komen through the 3-day, 60 mile walks. It was between the Chicago and Atlanta walk that I did that they discovered he skin cancer on my stomach from the radiation treatment i received as a teenager.
I had the malignant tissue removed on a Tuesday and walked 60 miles that following weekend. I think the doctors wanted to tell me not to do the walk, but knew better. And sure enough I walked all 60 miles. Not in record time but all 60.
When I turned 30, I was able to start a new decade of my life. Now I could sum up my life in cliches. I could tell you that I have learned that every day is a gift and every relationship is to be cherished, but I couldn't do it without sounding corny.
I have learned that it takes all the colors on the canvas of my experience to make the mural of my life. The pastel greens of my children's birthdays. The deep reds of pain that were my own or shared by another. The warm yellows and oranges of love. The strokes of black and grey that are hurts that won't go away... ever. And the bare whiteness of the canvas, not yet filled with the colors of life.
I hope that my struggles and pain have made me a better person, a stronger person. Nietzsche said that "what does not kill you, makes you stronger." I'm not sure if that's true, but I hope so.
Now, don't get me wrong, I still do the self-pity thing and gossip and lose my temper. But from time to time, I have a flashback to one of the times I strayed into close proximity with death or God. And I am reminded that our time is limited and that we are each given the task of making the world a better place. I try to us this insight. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail.
And what of God? It's complicated.
I envy the simple faith of my daughter, Hailey. She KNOWS God is good all the time and everywhere. Her trust is complete.
I like to think of my relationship with God as more of a relationship. And like any relationship sometimes we fight. Sometimes we disagree. Sometimes I get mad and pout when I don't get me way. but like any good relationship, I know He will still be there for me when I come back around. We have the weathered relationship of old friends who've been through some tough times together.
And now I know that He cries when we cry and He smiles when we smile. And that has made all the difference.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Be Bold!!
"Be bold enough to use your voice, brave enough to listen to your heart, and strong enough to live the life you always imagined"!
It's time to start living life boldly. I mean life's to short to be anything but bold, right?
I started off this posting with the word " brave" as the title but it quickly came to be that its being brave that makes us bold.
It doesn't have to take a life altering event in your life to make you want to be bold. A lot of times that is how it starts. You realize how fragile life is. You realize that you can plan out tomorrow but you don't really know what tomorrow holds. And since you can't go back to yesterday, you have no choice but to be bold today!
I have seen the dark side of life. But who hasn't! Everyday the sun has come back up whether I have wanted it to or not. It does! And everyday it does I am reminded that today is another chance to live the life that I want.
I have never thought I was ordinary and its not just because of my struggles in life with Cancer but its because I have never wanted to be ordinary. I don't want to leave this life and not know that I was bold with my life.
It takes a strong, courageous person to be bold. To put themselves out there and know that things may not go the way they had thought. To get hurt. To get disappointed . To get screwed over. BUT..... that should never stop us from being Bold. That should only push us to be even more bold.
I have met so many people who I think are bold. And I admire their boldness for life. I admire their boldness for faith. I admire their boldness for love. I admire their voice. I admire their desire to make a difference. Big or small.
I have made some bold moves in my life. Some have had me fall flat on my ass and some have made my life change forever. Being bold is not always easy. Life gets in the way. People get hurt by your boldness. But I don't want to be anything but bold!
I am not the silent type. I am not one to keep my comments or feelings to myself. I am not one to not make a scene if I have to. But it takes more then that to be bold. It takes action. It takes not being afraid to say the same thing over a microphone for the world to hear. It takes standing up for what you believe! It takes putting it all on the line!
It takes knowing that if today was the last day of your life, that you were Bold in your life. No regrets!
There's no time to be anything BUT BOLD!!!
I heard this song as I was writing and this I thought it was very fitting!!
Katy Perry-Roar-
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar
Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You'll hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar...
Ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar
It's time to start living life boldly. I mean life's to short to be anything but bold, right?
I started off this posting with the word " brave" as the title but it quickly came to be that its being brave that makes us bold.
It doesn't have to take a life altering event in your life to make you want to be bold. A lot of times that is how it starts. You realize how fragile life is. You realize that you can plan out tomorrow but you don't really know what tomorrow holds. And since you can't go back to yesterday, you have no choice but to be bold today!
I have seen the dark side of life. But who hasn't! Everyday the sun has come back up whether I have wanted it to or not. It does! And everyday it does I am reminded that today is another chance to live the life that I want.
I have never thought I was ordinary and its not just because of my struggles in life with Cancer but its because I have never wanted to be ordinary. I don't want to leave this life and not know that I was bold with my life.
It takes a strong, courageous person to be bold. To put themselves out there and know that things may not go the way they had thought. To get hurt. To get disappointed . To get screwed over. BUT..... that should never stop us from being Bold. That should only push us to be even more bold.
I have met so many people who I think are bold. And I admire their boldness for life. I admire their boldness for faith. I admire their boldness for love. I admire their voice. I admire their desire to make a difference. Big or small.
I have made some bold moves in my life. Some have had me fall flat on my ass and some have made my life change forever. Being bold is not always easy. Life gets in the way. People get hurt by your boldness. But I don't want to be anything but bold!
I am not the silent type. I am not one to keep my comments or feelings to myself. I am not one to not make a scene if I have to. But it takes more then that to be bold. It takes action. It takes not being afraid to say the same thing over a microphone for the world to hear. It takes standing up for what you believe! It takes putting it all on the line!
It takes knowing that if today was the last day of your life, that you were Bold in your life. No regrets!
There's no time to be anything BUT BOLD!!!
I heard this song as I was writing and this I thought it was very fitting!!
Katy Perry-Roar-
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready 'cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready 'cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar
Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You'll hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar...
Ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar
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