Believe.....

A friend reminded me to never stop believing!

"I Believe in pink.
  I Believe that laughing is the best calorie burner.
  I Believe in kissing, Kissing a lot.
  I Believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong.
  I Believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls.
  I Believe that tomorrow is another day..
  & I Believe in miracles."

Sometimes its hard to keep believing when everything is telling you not to. When the world is trying to knock you down or kill your dreams, you wonder what to believe in. But when I stop letting the world tell me what to believe, I remember that living is believing!

And being reminded today to keep believing has given me the strength to fight on all over again!

My daughter Hailey still believes in Santa Claus. And she doesn't just believe in Santa for the gifts(though I am sure that helps) but she believes in the magic and wonder of Santa. When you stop believing, Santa stops coming.

And that goes with everyday life too. When you don't believe that its all going to be OK, how will it ever be OK?

I believe that life doesn't give you what you can't handle. Even when it feels like you are drowning,
you always find a way to come up for air.

I believe that you should never take life for granted. You never know when life will be taken from you.

I believe that what doesn't kill you does make you stronger.

I believe that people are brought into your life at just the right time. And they forever change you.

I believe in laughing until you cry. I mean what is better then that.

I believe in Love. Real Love. Life changing love. Happily ever after love. The Notebook Movie Love.

I believe that who you are makes you more beautiful. I have more scars on my body then I can count but I think they only make me more beautiful inside and out.

I believe that my children are the best medicine.

I believe in a good martini!

I believe in true friendship! Friends that hold your hands and dry your tears. Friends that push you to be the person you are. Friends that stay with you no matter how many miles are between you!

I believe in Karma. And its a Bitch!

I believe in Family! And that they will love you no matter what!

I believe in dreams! I believe that dreams really do come true. And that you should never stop reaching for them.

I believe in Hope! Without it, I would not be here.

I believe that I have won many battles with cancer but that the war is far from over! Cancer will follow me the rest of my life BUT I do believe that I will WIN!

I believe in the good of people!

I believe that hate is not worth holding onto!

I believe that no life is not worth fighting for!

I believe in words! I believe in saying what you feel(not that I ever have a problem with that). But I believe that you can never hear "I love you" to many times!

I believe in second chances!

I believe in a good cup of coffee! How the hell does one live without it?!

I believe in giving! There is no greater feeling then giving what you have to offer to others.

I believe in smiling! EVERYDAY! Even when you don't want to! SMILE!

I BELIEVE THAT TODAY IS A GIFT!

Faith.....

Faith is defined as the belief and trust in something or someone. It usual refers to your belief in God.

I am not one to really talk about my faith and my relationship with God because it is very complicated. But today I was talking with a friend who was newly diagnosed with a Cancer again and faith and God kept coming up in the conversation.

So I thought I would try and explain my faith journey.

A few years ago I was asked to give a sermon at church and tell my story. Now the pastor knew me pretty well and knew that my relationship with God was pretty complicated.  But for whatever reason, he trusted me to get up there and tell my story. It was one of the hardest speeches I have ever had to give because it made me face head on my relationship with God.

My story has its good parts and its bad. It has the lightness and the darkness. It just happens that the dark parts of my story play a more prominent role than they do in most stories. It is like the story of Job in the bible. But I'm no Job.

At 15 you can't really grasp what cancer is. You see the doctors mouths moving but you don't hear anything. You listen as if they are talking about someone else. You hear only what you want to hear.The only time I cried was when the doctor told me he would have to remove my belly button. How was I supposed to get my belly button pierced without a bell button. But he assured me he would make me one.

A 8 hour surgery determined that the cancer was worse then they had thought and that it probably had been growing inside me for years. I don't remember having much of response to this. I don't remember being afraid. It was as if I was numb.

As the day to day treatments started, I threw myself into life. If it could be done, I did it! Life went on and I survived!

It wasn't until I was 18 that God really entered into my story. It was then when the doctors gave me a choice of either chemotherapy or surgery. Chemo may not work and would most likely destroy my bone marrow. Surgery would be more definitive but there was a good chance I would not survive.
With 24 hours to decide, I decided surgery and God became my villain. He wasn't my hero. He was the one who had caused my cancer, or at least allowed it. 

During that exact time a friend from high school sent me a forward of a story of a boy who had cancer, but through faith prayed for healing and the tumor disappeared. I thought it was the cruelest thing someone could send another person facing terminal cancer. Did I not have enough faith? Was I judged and found lacking? Or, like most email forwards I get, was it a fraud, and God along with it. I sent a not so nice reply back to the sender.

And if I wasn't being tested enough in my faith, my mom insisted that I get blessed by our priest before surgery. I went to the Catholic Church as a courtesy to her and nothing else. I was given the opportunity to confess my sins and given a blessing that sounded a lot like the last rites. It was like being escorted to the grave by a stranger. I told God that I would confess my sins if he confessed his first. With no reply, I kept my sins. At least they were mine. God could take my life, but I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of self-deprecation.

So as they laid me onto a stainless steel and cold table, I thought about my last words. And how you think the last words that someone says is "I love you". But in reality the last words I was going to speak was "Four".  See they bring out the gas and ask you to count backwards from ten and 4 is as far as I have ever gotten.
TEN- You life doesn't pass before your eyes. Not when you're 18
NINE- At least not the life you've already had. Instead it is the life you will never have.
EIGHT-
SEVEN- I walked up slowly to the rim of the cliff and peered over the edge into the abyss.
SIX- I won't try to describe what I saw. I can't. It doesn't fit readily into human words or concepts.
FIVE- But it changed me... Forever
FOUR- Everything goes black.

When I woke up from surgery we were told that there was no tumor. The tumor had disappeared. The doctors said " Call it a mistake, a medical anomaly, a miracle, whatever you want. Just don't ask your doctor about it again. He won't tell you what happened. You'll have to decide that for yourself." And as he left the room he said " and we never had this conversation."  Apparently they don't like to talk about things like this.

The conversation that never happen punctured my whole worldview like none I had ever had before or since. Like trying to grab smoke in your hand, my mind grappled to make sense of it all. Give me an explanation. There must be a rational reason.

Don't let this be God. Oh, Please, don't let this be God. What would that mean if this were God?

For a moment it was like being face to face with God. And like a staring contest to see who would blink first, we just sat there, our gazes locked. In the total silence and complete stillness of the moment my breath stopped, subservient to the notions of what might be. And then God winked, and I was at peace with my limited understanding of a universe and eternity that is wider and deeper than the human imagination.

And so life went on. Cameron was born shortly after that and his sister to follow 4 years later.  Life when on as it should. And through is all, God would pop in and out of my life unobtrusively , sharing my victories and my defeats. I was finally at peace.

And then the Summer of 2005 came and it tested me all over again. I became pregnant with our third child and as we grew confident with this pregnancy we began to tell our friends and family. Two days later I miscarried. All the joy is replaced with extreme sadness. And , as if overnight, everyone around you seems to be pregnant. Each expectant mother only makes you more mad at God.

I lashed out angrily at God and he didn't even have the courtesy or goodness to respond to the charges. Why my child? Why had my life been spared- maybe even miraculously- but my baby's life wasn't with His effort?

My ranting against God was interrupted by the source of the miscarriage: extreme endometriosis. A painful year and a total hysterectomy later and my anger at an apathetic God turned into apathy with an angry God.

Was I even a women anymore, without a uterus or ovaries? Are you really a woman if you don't have the womanly parts?

So at 27 years old I found myself going through menopause. At least it gave me an excuse for my mood swings and made me very popular with 50 year old women who shared the common experience of hot flashes.

It was to control the hot flashes that the doctors put me estrogen. It was the estrogen that caused the Breast Cancer. One surgery later and 20 pounds lighter I finished my 27th and 28th year on earth without Cancer.

I threw myself into raising money for Susan G Komen through the 3-day, 60 mile walks. It was between the Chicago and Atlanta walk that I did that they discovered he skin cancer on my stomach from the radiation treatment i received as a teenager.

I had the malignant tissue removed on a Tuesday and walked 60 miles that following weekend. I think the doctors wanted to tell me not to do the walk, but knew better. And sure enough I walked all 60 miles. Not in record time but all 60.

When I turned 30, I was able to start a new decade of my life. Now I could sum up my life in cliches. I could tell you that I have learned that every day is a gift and every relationship is to be cherished, but I couldn't do it without sounding corny.

I have learned that it takes all the colors on the canvas of my experience to make the mural of my life. The pastel greens of my children's birthdays. The deep reds of pain that were my own or shared by another. The warm yellows and oranges of love. The strokes of black and grey that are hurts that won't go away... ever. And the bare whiteness of the canvas, not yet filled with the colors of life.

I hope that my struggles and pain have made me a better person, a stronger person.  Nietzsche said that "what does not kill you, makes you stronger." I'm not sure if that's true, but I hope so.

Now, don't get me wrong, I still do the self-pity thing and gossip and lose my temper. But from time to time, I have a flashback to one of the times I strayed into close proximity with death or God. And I am reminded that our time is limited and that we are each given the task of making the world a better place. I try to us this insight. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail.

And what of God?   It's complicated.

I envy the simple faith of my daughter, Hailey. She KNOWS God is good all the time and everywhere. Her trust is complete.

I like to think of my relationship with God as more of a relationship. And like any relationship sometimes we fight. Sometimes we disagree. Sometimes I get mad and pout when I don't get me way. but like any good relationship, I know He will still be there for me when I come back around. We have the weathered relationship of old friends who've been through some tough times together.

And now I know that He cries when we cry and He smiles when we smile. And that has made all the difference.

Be Bold!!

"Be bold enough to use your voice, brave enough to listen to your heart, and strong enough to live the life you always imagined"!

It's time to start living life boldly. I mean life's to short to be anything but bold, right?

I started off this posting with the word " brave" as the title but it quickly came to be that its being brave that makes us bold.

It doesn't have to take a life altering event in your life to make you want to be bold. A lot of times that is how it starts. You realize how fragile life is. You realize that you can plan out tomorrow but you don't really know what tomorrow holds. And since you can't go back to yesterday, you have no choice but to be bold today!

I have seen the dark side of life. But who hasn't! Everyday the sun has come back up whether I have wanted it to or not. It does! And everyday it does I am reminded that today is another chance to live the life that I want.

I have never thought I was ordinary and its not just because of my struggles in life with Cancer but its because I have never wanted to be ordinary. I don't want to leave this life and not know that I was bold with my life.

It takes a strong, courageous person to be bold. To put themselves out there and know that things may not go the way they had thought. To get hurt. To get disappointed . To get screwed over. BUT..... that should never stop us from being Bold. That should only push us to be even more bold.

I have met so many people who I think are bold. And I admire their boldness for life. I admire their boldness for faith. I admire their boldness for love. I admire their voice. I admire their desire to make a difference. Big or small.

I have made some bold moves in my life. Some have had me fall flat on my ass and some have made my life change forever. Being bold is not always easy. Life gets in the way. People get hurt by your boldness. But I don't want to be anything but bold!

I am not the silent type. I am not one to keep my comments or feelings to myself. I am not one to not make a scene if I have to. But it takes more then that to be bold. It takes action. It takes not being afraid to say the same thing over a microphone for the world to hear. It takes standing up for what you believe! It takes putting it all on the line!

It takes knowing that if today was the last day of your life, that you were Bold in your life. No regrets!

There's no time to be anything BUT BOLD!!!


I heard this song as I was writing and this I thought it was very fitting!!
                        Katy Perry-Roar-

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready 'cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You'll hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar...

Ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar

Everything happens for a reason!!!

"Laugh at the confusion, Smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that.... EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON."

It took me awhile to really believe that everything happens for a reason. A life filled with a lot of "whys" made it hard for me to see the reason why things were happening.  But with the "whys" came so many answers that to this day continue to change my life.

"Why" is a common question to ask when something bad happens to you. I think its almost like instinct. Your life stops and your mind instantly goes to "why is this happening to me?" or "what did I do to deserve this?". Your mind doesn't always get a chance at first to think about what can come from this. It may take you a few days, a few months or even a few years to fully understand the reason.

But this saying has gotten me through many of the hard times in my life. And sometimes I understand why things are happening right away and sometimes it takes me a little longer. But eventually all the pieces come together and it all makes sense. It makes it all worth it.

When I was younger I don't think I could fully understand why Cancer was coming into my life and has continued to follow me as I grow older. But I know now that there is a reason I got cancer more then just once. The lives I have been able to touch and the people that I have met along the way have seriously made Cancer one of my biggest strengths. It has brought me lifelong friends. It has given me strength that I didn't know I had.

I believe that people don't just come into your life for no reason. I believe that the people you meet along the way are put there for a reason. Some are put there to pick you up when you have fallen. Some are put there to dry your tears. Some are put there to walk when you can't. Some are put there to make you smile. Some come at times when you least expect it but it forever changes your life. Some bring you back to life!

Not knowing the reason can be the hardest part sometimes. It's like a waiting game. And I HATE waiting. I don't do the waiting game well. But I have gotten better over time. And I have learned that whatever the reason is , it's the right reason. Even if it doesn't make sense in your mind, it will always make sense in your heart.

Everyday I look at my children I understand exactly why everything happens for a reason. If I had not  gotten pregnant young and done it all backwards, I do not know if they would be here today. I would love to believe that they would be but considering that at 33 I am no longer able to have children makes me understand why I was blessed with my two miracles young. And I wouldn't change it for the world.

I live with no regrets. Life is too short to live with regrets. I live life to the fullest without being ashamed of the mistakes I have made. I have fallen but I would rather fall trying then have the regret.

If my life has taught my anything its that "life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

So take your life and live it with no regrets because "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON"'

Find your reason!!!!

"Be Crazy. Be Stupid. Be Silly. Be Weird. Be Whatever. Because Life is TOO short to be anything but Happy."

The Battle Wounds of Cancer!

"I think scars are like battle wounds - beautiful, in a way. They show what you've been through and how strong you are for coming out of it." (Demi Lovato)

Cancer leaves an everyday reminder that it has entered your life. Even when the cancer is gone it is still with you always. It leaves a battle wound!

Cancer comes into your life unexpected and it forever changes you! It comes in with a bang and leaves you vulnerable. Sometimes it leaves you bald and weak. Sometimes it leaves you with more problems then you had before. Sometimes it leaves you with the loss of a loved one. It leaves you scared. It leaves you with scar that will be a constant reminder...

BUT the one thing that I know for sure that it leaves you with is STRENGTH! HOPE! COURAGE!

I have met many people along the way who have been affected by Cancer. Either personally or with a loved one. And each and everyone of them have taken the bad things that cancer brings and have turned them into something good. 
I have met people who because of their loss have turned their loss into a fight to end this horrible disease. They fight to keep their loved ones spirit alive.

I have watched Cancer bring people together. I have watched friendships develop that will last a lifetime. I have listened to stories that make you cry every time you hear them but that also give you the strength to fight!

I have watched friends with more strength then I knew possible fight and lose. I have heard the stories of survivors who years later lost their battle. I have felt the pain and fear of what cancer can really do.
But the pain and the fear feed the strength! It gives me courage that I thought cancer took from me but in reality its the thing that brought it out the most. 

Its the hope that I give to others when I tell my story.  

Its the celebration that you get to have when you finally beat it. Its the joy you have when you hear of someone else beating it. And whether or not you know that person personally, you feel that joy and that hope that cancer can be beaten.

Your wounds may heal but the battle is never over. The battle continues and the more you see people overcome the impossible, the more hope there is! 

I will carry my battle wounds with me forever and I will be ready to go to battle for anyone at anytime!

A Woman Should Have.... A Woman Should Know....

A WOMEN SHOULD HAVE....

...one old love she can imagine going back to... and one who reminds her how far she has come...

...enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...

...something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

...a youth she's content to leave behind...

...a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...

...a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and black lace bra...

...one friend who always makes her laugh...and one who lets her cry...

...a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

...eight matching plates,wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...

...a feeling of control over her destiny...

A WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

...how to fall in love without losing herself...

...how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

...when to walk away...

...that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

...that her childhood may not have been perfect... but it's over...

...what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

...how to live alone even if she doesn't like it...

...whom she can trust, whom she can't and why she shouldn't take it personally...

...where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table...or a charming inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing...

...what she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year...



This was a gift to me and it has helped me get through many days and find the strength inside me when I feel like it is lost.  I had to share!

First Day of School!

I am not sure if it's harder for the kids or if it's harder for me on the first day of school!

This year is obviously especially hard because we are in a new area with new schools!

I am not sure exactly how I thought this would feel but it's hard! I sit here wondering if the kids are ok and if they got enough to eat at lunch. It's not like its the first time they have ever been to school either but it sure does feel like an entire new world.

You always hope for the best for your kids and hope that everything you have taught them will get them through the day. As much as I want to hold their hands through this process, I have to let go and send them on their way. Which is the hardest thing for me!

Cameron is starting High School. That alone can knock the wind out of you. Add moving to a new state and not knowing anyone and you could possibly stop breathing.
At this age it's hard to get all the feelings out and understand what he is going through. But I am trying and remembering that at that age I probably wasn't sharing all my feelings with my parents either unless of course I was yelling at them! He is such an amazing child and I know all parents think that their children are amazing and I am no different but he really is. And so to see him hurting is the toughest thing to deal with. It would be nice to go back to the days of Teletubbies and treasure planet. I guess I should be careful what I wish for=)!

Hailey is starting 5th grade and has been counting down the days for months! Cameron kept letting her know that there is no way that they could be related if she was this excited about school.
She is so excited that she gets disappointed very easily. She pictures this great day so I just hope that it is everything and more for her today! She was so excited that sleeping and eating were hard to do and this morning she got so nervous that the tears started. But she picked herself right back up and got on that bus with a great big smile!

Being the new kid can't be easy. You hope that your child is welcomed into this new place with smiles and open arms. That they will look back at this day as the beginning of something great!

But for now I wait! I wait for the bus to unload my children with hopefully smiles and stories of the day. I know the road ahead is not going to be easy but I hope my kids can lean on me the way they have let me lean on them!