Coping....

 I am here, I am here

I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear

I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near

I am here, I am here

All of this wrong, but I'm still right here

I don't have the answers, but the questions is clear

(Pink)

As I try process life over the last few months, I am reminded that we are all trying to process and cope what life has thrown us over the last year. Some worse then others, but we are all feeling something similar. We are all trying to cope. And coping can come in all different sizes and all different dynamics. Some our coping with the loss ( which is unbearable). Some are coping with a new normal. Some are coping with the old they don't understand. Some are coping with new obstacles that are unfair and hard. Some are coping with something they have been coping with for years but trying to understand. Some are coping alone and others are coping with a friend or loved one. Either way, coping is not always easy. If you ask me, it is never easy. It is fucking coping and coping means "figuring out ways to deal with or work around these challenges. It is the way that we adjust to the difficulties or disappointments that come our way."

The song in the beginning of this is, I am Here by Pink, For whatever reason, this song has hit hard to me the last couple of months and I am reminded that I am here. Whatever the means. I am here. It means something different for everyone, but for me, I am here and I am fighting another day to continue to be here. 

We all have ways of coping. I have no judgement on how one copes with the bullshit that is thrown ones way. But for me, I try and find what works for me. It is not always the healthiest and I can guarantee you that it takes some convincing on the doctor side, but my doctors know me and know what they can push and what they can't. They also know what my heart and mind need and what my body can take. And I attempt to listen in all my stubbornness the best I can... as hard as that can be at times. 

October always allows me to take a step back a reflect. And this October (if i am being honest) I have tried to bury all and every feeling. October is Breast Cancer Awareness month as I prepare for 60 miles in San Diego in less then 20 days, I am reminded why this can be so hard and I give myself grace to feel all the feelings I never allowed myself to feel.  

a little side story....

We( and I mean me, Ryan and our kids) have moved around a little bit trying to find our path. We hit some bottoms ( and some highs) and we found our way back. We recently have said  goodbye to a home that as Ryan and I were saying goodbye too, described it as the home that " brought our family back together".  And as I look back at that time, I am reminded of what that means. We all have times and experiences that were challenging and felt impossible. But in those times, we have all found our way back to the sunlight. Even when it felt ( or feels) impossible. There is always hope. Always.

I know some don't get why one would walk 60 miles or why I would walk 60 miles when my body shouldn't. 

What I need you to know is that I AM HERE because of this walk. This walk saved my heart and my soul when I was at my lowest. This walk taught me who I really was and taught me that my story, my cancer, can help and impact the lives of others. And for that I am forever grateful.

Telling my story and opening my journey and heart has opened my world up to an enormous amount of love and support along the way. It has also brought me loss that I don't understand and I still don't know how to process. But that is cancer. An unfair, unknowing and selfish disease that no one should have to learn how to deal with. It is the club I don't ever want to initiate anyone into. But once you are here, we got you. 

I got cancer at 15. I am now 41 ( yikes). And cancer has followed me every step of the way. Showing it's ugly head along the way without any concern for me or my family. But it is why I still fight. I am more emotional then I was a years ago but that is ok. This is my life and I am learning to feel, process and cope as life throws its punches at me. But I make no apologizes for how I cope. Life is fucking short as hell and we are taking in every breath we can. I (we) have lost ones that I don't know how to cope with but try and find a way. And the only thing I know they would want me to do, is to keep fucking fighting and walking and talking and supporting and coping....

So as I try and cope with the world and the world of cancer, I thank each and every one of you who has supported me along the way. This walk, is something I needed and is something I don't know if my body can handle. But what I do know is that this walk 13 years ago brought me back to life and I know it will carry me back to life. I had to take a break from it a few years back and didn't think I could ever come back, but all of you have shown me that with your support, you will carry me through the finish line.

As the tears stream down my face, I thank you for always showing me my strength and reminding me we can do anything together.

This is not just for me...... This is for all those we have lost and all who are fighting and continue to fight.

But I am here, I am here

I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear

Know that I'll be ready when the devil is near

'Cause I am here, I am here

All of this wrong, but I'm still right here

I don't have the answers, but the questions is clear

So I did a thing.....

                                                     So I did a thing.....

To say it has been one hell of a year (and I mean the last 12 months) would be understatement for sure. And I know that everyone has had that kind of year as well. Some worse then others, but we have all had that year!

So as I try to find meaning and purpose in this last year, I did a thing. And when I say a thing, I mean a big thing!

It was almost 14 years ago when I signed up for my first Susan G Komen 60 mile, 3 day walk. I first signed up because after dealing with cancer for so many years, I wanted to do something that I felt would make a difference. Not knowing that when I signed up, I would be diagnosed with breast cancer and be undergoing chemo while doing my first walk. And that walk changed my life forever. It healed me and tested me in ways that I never knew possible. And 9 walks and years later, I had to hang those walking shoes and stop walking because my body couldn't do it any more. One of the hardest things ever because for me this walk helped  through some of the toughest times in my life. But I knew that my health and my doctors voices, had to come first. But...... it is time to try this again! 

This past year has been one of the hardest years of my life. And I have dealt with cancer for 25 years! There is covid, which pretty much speaks for itself with it's name. My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My dad was diagnosed with Leukemia. My husband had 2 hip surgery's where one almost killed him with blood clots. My health has been on hold due to covid but isn't stopping me from anything. We have lost loved ones and had to mourn in our own ways. We have all been separated from our families and our friends for way too long. So needless to say, I am in need of some therapy! Therapy that comes in a walking 60 miles. Crazy? Fuck Yes! But worth it! Hell yes!

I have always known that life is short. I lived that for too long. But this year has only reminded me that life is FUCKING short peeps! And we have no idea what will come next. At a moment, you entire life can change. I have watched and felt the lose of loved ones taken too soon. I have seen and felt the heartbreak of the diagnosis no one ever wants to get. I have felt the heartbreak and I have celebrated the milestones. And as I try to find the meaning in what life if throwing me, I find comfort in the community I have around me and know that with you all, no matter what, we will get through this.

It may not make sense to many of you and I am ok with that. We all have our outlets. But as I am reaching and searching for meaning, I am going to back to what helped me through some of the toughest times of my life and I am going to walk to find purpose and make a difference. I am beyond blessed to have my girl Kim walking with me. And together, we will conquer these miles together along with a community that is walking to make a difference. 

We all know cancer in one way or another. I know cancer in a way that no one should ever know. And for those I have walked with and those who have walked with me, this one is for you. This will be hard. My body will fight me every step of the way. But FUCK YOU CANCER, because you will not get in the way of this fight and this walk. I will need your strength and your support but I know with you all, I can do anything.

Thank you for always being there and supporting me always!

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2021/ChicagoEvent2021?px=8070701&pg=personal&fr_id=2080

Life is too short to not enjoy every moment...

 "Be thankful for today,

because in one moment,

your entire life could change."

What a fucking year! Not really any other way to say it and there is no need to sugar coat 2020!

I have always been honest and open and this blog will be no different. As I struggle to find my words and process what is happening, I find comfort in writing and find hope in the words I share with you all.

I have truly lived my life differently than most people. When you get cancer at 15, there is no way it doesn't change how you live your life. And since it has decided to follow me for the last 25 years, I have definitely not taken life for granted. But even in knowing that life is short and that life should never be taken for granted, you can still get reminded just how quickly life can change in an instant. And when it does, it fucking stops you in your tracks!

We have all been living in this COVID world for months now and we have all struggled in our own way with that. Some, it has hit closer to home and others from a distance. But everyone has struggled and everyone's life has been affected. At times, I found comfort in knowing that everyone was going through something similar. Sure there were and are different levels but we were all going through something and some how that gave me comfort at times. A very different feeling from cancer that is for sure!

Since cancer has been such a huge part of my life, I never really think it can knock my ass down because I am stronger then cancer. But even the strong break sometimes(at least that is what I am learning). I am pretty good with dealing with my cancer and my health. Good, bad, ugly, painful and never ending but I fight everyday and that to me is easy compared to a loved one getting cancer. That has stopped me dead in my tracks and as I try and navigate through this, I struggle but hold on to hope everyday.

Now I have walked through cancer with many, many, many people that I hold near and dear to my heart. Some we have lost along the way and others I get to meet for drinks with every month and give them a big squeeze. The ones we have lost, I struggle for understanding but I honor them everyday and I take their fight on to help others. The ones that I get to see often, I treasure and am reminded that we must celebrate the moments, good and bad, because life is short and should be celebrated. But this one is different for me and I am navigating a new road that is bumpy, unknown, fucking unfair, hard and challenging. 

I have more knowledge then I would like when it comes to cancer and cancer is my thing! I know that sounds fucking crazy, but it is! I get cancer. It's my thing. It has been my thing for 20 plus years and will be my thing for 100 more. I don't care how old you are, 5, 15, 20, 40, 60 ,70, it doesn't matter. No one should have to fight this fucking disease. It makes no sense and it comes out of no where. As a patient, you are constantly doing and fighting the cancer away. As a loved one, you have to sit back and watch and wait and I fucking hate waiting! Do not get me wrong, without my family and friends, I would not be here today. The support you give and the love you send, gives me strength everyday. But it is different. I have always said I would much rather be the patient than the caregiver because being the patient is hard enough but being the loved one is fucking hard as shit and that is something I am struggling with.

But, as I try to make my glass half full ( and not just with vodka =)), I know that my cancer journey can help this new journey we are all on. I believe that there is a reason for my journey and maybe this is it. Every time I have started a new journey with someone on this road, I have been able to help in ways others can't. Sometimes it makes it harder on my side but it doesn't matter because it is soooooo fucking worth it. I truly believe that so many of my cancer peeps have helped me more than I have helped them. And for that I am forever grateful.

So today I remind you that life is short. And in these uncertain and crazy times, I remind you to hold onto hope. Spend more time with your family and friends. (Safely of course). Eat the foods that you love. Take that trip you have always wanted to. Cherish the moments you have. Do something you have always wanted to do but have been afraid to do so. Maybe jump out of a plane =). Do what is on your bucket list. Forgive. Laugh. Smile. Love. And always remember you are stronger then you think and that you can do this and anything with the love and support of your peeps.

Cancer is so limited…

It cannot cripple love.

It cannot shatter hope.

It cannot corrode faith.

It cannot eat away peace.

It cannot destroy confidence.

It cannot kill friendship.

It cannot shut out memories.

It cannot silence courage.

It cannot reduce eternal life.

It cannot quench the Spirit.

#FUCK CANCER

Advice from the other side.

When someone

has cancer,

the whole family

& everyone who 

loves them does

too.

A good friend of Ryan's recently reached out to him asking if he had any advice to offer on his wife's recent recurrence with cancer. Ryan's answer to him brought me to tears and touched my heart in so many ways that I asked him if I could share it. Because I think of how hard this cancer journey has been for Ryan everyday and know that this man is my rock and that I would not be here today, without him. So take a second and read through this and have your heart touched and be reminded that we are all in this together.

Ryan writes....

First, that sucks. 

That sucks for her.  That sucks for you.  That sucks for your families.  It just sucks.  Anyone who says otherwise is an asshole.

Second, you already know what she needs.

Your presence

Your patience, even when she is cranky/bitchy/unreasonable/bat-shit-crazy

Your help in fighting the evil-soulless-mother-fuckers who work at the insurance company

A hug at random times

Occasional love notes left in the bathroom that tell her she’s sexy

For you to tell her that you are 100% confident that everything will be fine, even when you aren’t sure and she knows you are lying (especially if you aren’t sure and she knows that you are lying!)

To drive around together with the windows down singing at the top of your lungs to obnoxious 90’s music.  If you aren’t sure where to start, I recommend “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-Lot.

Chocolate ice cream at midnight (the good shit that costs $8 for a small container)

To get angry at cancer.  Buy matching “fuck cancer” clothing (https://store.letsfcancer.com/) And wear it around proudly.  When strangers in public give you the “knowing nod” give them the nod back.  When strangers in public give you a nasty look for wearing clothing with a naughty word on it, allow yourself to think, “Fuck you for being more offended at cuss words than you are at human suffering!”  Feel a little self-righteous.  You earned it.

Spontaneous date nights.  Spend as much as you can.  If you can’t afford nice, still go on date-night, even if it is to the Mexican joint on the corner that serves $1 draft beer and $3 heartburn appetizers from 3-4:30pm on Mon-Thur.

To know that you will be by her side no matter what happens (nausea, hair loss, surgeries, etc.).  To know that there is not a single possible scenario in the whole fucking universe where you aren’t right by her side.  She is going to need this frequently and at random moments and in different ways (tell her verbally, write it down, learn fucking sign language or hire a pilot to fly around with a banner in the sky if you have to).

Third, you already know what you need to do to make sure you have the stamina to go the distance (because marathons are for pussies).

Eat healthy (except the midnight ice cream) even when you just want to eat a whole fucking funnel-cake by yourself because “What the fuck does it matter anyways?”

Exercise even when it seems irrelevant

Get sleep, even when you have an endless list of things that have to get done

Don’t overwork yourself, even if it is your coping mechanism

Fourth, find meaning. 

Victor Frankl (psychologist who survived 4 concentration camps and wrote “Man’s search for meaning”) said, “Suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds meaning.  Such is the meaning of sacrifice.”

It isn’t for me to find your meaning.  You have to do it on your own.

Maybe you feel closer to God/Allah/Krishna.  Maybe you look up into the night sky, see a hundred billion stars, and smile.  Maybe you watch a romantic comedy and say, “That’s my fucking life.”  Maybe you feel mortality in a way that few people our age do and you stand around with the fucking tourists and gawk at the stupid cherry blossoms, because they are super cliché, but they are actually pretty fucking beautiful.  Maybe you feel like a knight storming the fucking castle to rescue the beautiful princess—which makes you feel like a bad-ass until you start to feel silly and childish, but then you say to yourself, “If I want to feel like a fucking knight on a white steed, I’m going to feel like a fucking-dragon-slaying-damsel-rescuing knight!!!”  Maybe you watch your wife sleep and time stops for an hour, leaving you grateful that you found each other in this big crazy world. 

You can’t really go looking for meanings (such is the nature of meaning).  You can only accept it, as the gift it is.  Don’t fight it.  And never feel guilty for it.  Just put out your hands and accept the sunlight as it overflows off your hands.

But, a warning:  Your wife has to find her own meaning.  Your meaning is yours alone…. And hers is only for her.  Don’t try to force yours upon her.  And when she tries to share her meaning, just smile and nod even if you don’t know what the fuck she’s talking about.

Fifth, don’t forget to breathe. 

I mean—LITERALLY—don’t forget to breathe.

Finally, know that I’m lobbing cancer-busting-hand-grenade prayers your way.

I asked God to send down a legion of black-ops-archangels to wage fucking jihad against those mutating cells.  If you see 10-foot tall glowing beings with wings (and bullet-proof vests) forming a perimeter around your house, that was from me.

peace,

Ryan

To my amazing husband, I love you and thank you for always allowing me to find my way, in my own time, with you always by my side. 

40....

"And in the end it's

not the years in your 

life that count. It's the 

life in you years. "

Today I turn 40!

I will worn you that at this exact moment, I have so many different emotions. Turning 40, I believe, is a milestone. For everyone. I know some say 40 is the new 30(which I will take) or that 40 isn't a big deal. BUT for me, 40 is something to celebrate and I am so glad I get to celebrate it with all of you.

Last night, my house filled with people that I love. Whether you were physically in my house or there with me in spirit, my house and my heart were filled with more love then I knew possible. 

This last year has been a roller coaster of emotions. Shit, my life has been a roller coaster of emotions! But it is my life and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. If there was a fucking bump in the road I hit, that bump only lead me to the next adventure and it built me to the person I am today. 

Cancer changes your life. It is brutal. It is unfair. It is heartbreaking. It is relentless. BUT I know that I am stronger then cancer because I am surrounded by amazing people who lift me up when I can't stand and when I looked around last night, I have never had more strength in my life.

There are so many things I want to say and so many emotions I could try and express but today I am going to just take in this moment. I have never liked birthdays. They have always been hard for me but I will say that 40 is the best birthday I have ever had. And as the bumps come in the years to come, I know that we will hit them together.

I truly love you all and thank you for filling my heart with so much love and giving me the strength to fight for another 40!

                                                                   FUCK CANCER

I'm standing with you...

Through whatever you go through
I'm standin' with you
Here wherever you go to
I'll stand beside you
And when you think that all the odds are all against you
And you just feel like giving up, well, I won't let you
Through whatever you go through...
I'm standing with you
I'm standing with you

The first time I heard this song, I cried. Shocking, I know but if you really listen to the words in the song, I bet you may even shed a tear or at least have your eyes water. That is one of the things I love about music. I love what music can make you feel. Especially when at times, all you are trying to do is not feel. Music brings out emotions in you that sometimes you didn't know you had or even worse, brings out the emotions that you buried way down deep inside that only a song that really knows how you feel, brings them out. Love hate relationship with music for sure! 

This past year has been an emotional one to say the least. A year ago today, I was on a plane to New York to have surgery. A surgery that has forever changed me, good and bad. A surgery that took not only my body to bat but fucked with my emotions in a way I didn't know possible. A surgery that would push me to the cliff, dangle me over it and ultimately save my life. And for that I am forever grateful.  

When your hurting, I want you to know
That you'll never have to hurt alone
When your faith is, faith is running low

I'll never lose faith in you
When the night's around you
And you think that no one cares about you
I will go and throw my arms around you
I'll be there...

This year has been a year of recovery. A recovery that is still ongoing and if I just try and face the truth, a recovery that will be with me the rest of my life. It can be hard at times. Feel impossible. Annoying as shit. Complicated. Time consuming and all encompassing. But I'm not complaining. Because I'm here and fighting every day with a smile on my face. 

We all got time's when we can't be strong
When it feels like, like all hope is gone
But I'm right here, right here to lean on
I'll always be strong for you
And when you feeling broken
And it's seems like every door is closing
Want you to know that mine is always open
I'll be there...

I am traumatized, broken and afraid. But I am also strong, determined, stubborn and a fighter. And what I have learned is that I can be broken and strong at the same time. I can take the very thing that has broken me to my core and build a strength off of it that is even stronger than before. I honestly believe that what doesn't kill us really does make us stronger.  We all have shit. We all have something that has broken us down and tested us in ways like never before. But we surround ourselves with peeps that hold us up when we can't stand on our own. That breathe for us when it feels impossible to breathe. That make us smile in our darkest moment. That never lose hope or faith in us. I do not only survive because I am strong. I survive because I have an army around me that stands by me every second.

Nothing you can do can move me
You can try, but you can't lose me
You can't lose me

Through whatever you go through
I'm standing with you
And wherever you go to (You go to), I'll stand beside you
And when you think that all the odds are all against you
And you just feel like giving up, well, I won't let you
Through whatever you go through (through whatever you go through)

I am standing today, because I am not alone in this fight. I have learned that therapy comes in many different versions and that no one is right or wrong. Sometimes it is sitting on couch with therapist who tells you it is ok to feel this way. Sometimes it is a girl’s weekend filled with tears, laughs and love. Sometimes it is having drinks with a friend who knows your hurting but will not mention what you are going through because they know that is exactly what you need right now. Sometimes it is just being present. Sometimes it is an email or a text to just say I love you. It comes in all different ways and I am grateful for each and every one. 

 

I do not know exactly what this year ahead will bring me. I know it will test me and push me. I know that I will have to fight like hell but I am ok with that. I am more then ok with that. I am ready. WE are ready. To each and everyone of you going through something right now or trying to process something that you have gone through, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Remember that you have so many standing with you and helping you every step of the way. Life is toooooooo fucking short to not enjoy every second. Do not take this time for granted. Live it. Laugh. Love with all your heart. And remember that it is ok to be broken because I am standing with you holding you together.

Thank you to each and every one of you who holds me together and makes me smile.

Tally Marks.....

"Strength isn't about how much 

you can handle before you break, 

it's about how much 

you can handle after you break."

Many people collect things. Maybe it's baseball cards, shot glasses, Starbucks mugs, key chains, etc... Usually people collect them because they want to and because they like that particular thing. They can display them in a cool way and it can even spark fun conversation. But what about the things you don't want to collect but have no choice? Like cancer.

Cameron, my son, got me a tattoo for Mother's Day last year. To some that may sound weird but this child knows how much I love my tattoos. It may have taken me almost a year to use it, but last night we went to cash that baby in. Now minus the tattoo on my lower back that I got when I was younger, all my tattoos have a meaning. I like to say that some of them are even therapy for me but Ryan says I should just admit that I love tattoos. But since I am writing this, I am going with therapy. 😜
So picking one was not easy because they are obviously permanent and I need it to mean something to me. I need to know that when I look at it, it represents part of who I am.

After this last surgery and #7 cancer, I wanted something that represented surviving 7. Something that says "FUCK YOU cancer, I'm still here". And I didn't want to get fuck on my body (though I will admit I have thought about it =)). I thought about getting a number 7 behind my ear or roman numerals or something along that line but turning a number 7 maybe into an 8 and then maybe turning an 8 into a 9 can be complicated so I went with tally marks.

Now I know that sounds sad and awful! And believe me it sucks on this end too. But I will not let that change how I am going to live my life. There have been so many times where I felt exhausted, scared and done. But each time, I dig deep and find that strength that has gotten me through the last 20 plus years of cancer and remind myself that I can do this. I look around and see the amazing people I am surrounded by and remember that I am stronger then any tally mark on my body.

I live in a reality that someday number 8 will come my way. It may be tomorrow, in a year or in 50 years but someday I will add a tally mark to my arm and I will do it with the same "fuck you" attitude I did last night. I will do it and gain strength because every time I look at it, I see how far I have come. I am reminded that it was hard and it was painful but I am also reminded of the strength and determination that got me through it.

When I sat down and told the tattoo artist I wanted 7 tally marks, he tried to guess what the 7 meant. 7 kids, 7 husbands, 7 toes =), 7 countries visited, etc... and as we laughed at each one he said, Cameron said he will never guess. Guess it is not something people collect. So when I finally told him that the 7 tally marks stood for me getting cancer 7 times he was speechless. And not speechless in a Woohoo moment but more of a speechless in a "oh shit I just said all these funny things about 7 things" moment. But I reassured him that it is ok to laugh and joke about this because life is all about how you handle the bullshit that comes your way. And what I have learned is that I feel so much better when I take lead over cancer. Even if at times it feels like it has the upper hand, I never let it get ahead of me for long. Because it is worth the fight.

Cancer will continue to follow me as my life goes one. It will try to peak its head up and take pieces of me with it when it leaves. And at times it will feel impossible but nothing is impossible. Even as corny as that sounds. Nothing is impossible. The road can be so hard and bumpy sometimes and can even seem unfair, but never ever lose hope. I am human and I struggle all the time with understanding cancer and understanding why but I hold onto hope every single day. And when I lose that hope, even for a second, I surround myself with those who hold onto for me.

So today, and everyday, never forget how strong you really are. Dig deep when you need to. Share your strength with others. Smile because it will change someone's life. Celebrate your milestones. Laugh as much as you can. Hold onto hope.

And celebrate my tally marks with me!