Limitations

" Know your limits, But never stop trying to exceed them!"

Life has been a little crazy the last couple of months, but I'm still here to bring you joy and craziness this holiday season. 😆 

Now I have never been one to listen to the limitations that are put on me. If you know me, I'm a little feisty, a lot stubborn and just a little determined to not let what life has thrown in front of me to keep me down. Some times I pay for it but I must say, it is worth it.

We all have limitations. Whether it be because of health, beliefs, a disability or our mind, We all have them. But what you do to them is completely up to you.

Cancer has forced limitations on me that I don't really care for and that I don't ever like to admit because I do not like to give cancer any power. So on my most stubborn days, I try to ignore the limitations and usually end up paying for it in the end but it never stops me from trying again. 

Because of the many surgeries I have had, I have had to find the new normal for me. And I am learning that I have to find the new normal a lot more then I would like. See when I'm feeling good, I forget that I am not able to do what everyone else can. When it's nice outside, I want to go for a run and not feel like I'm going to pass out. When I go out to eat, I want to order steak or pizza and feel sick afterword's not because my body is rejecting it but because I ate too much. When someone needs helps moving, I want to help and be in pain and sore because I lifted too much not because my lymphedema is acting up. My list could go on but none of that really matters. Now it sucks! Yep it truly sucks but it is not what really matters.

All these limitations make a life a little trickier but they don't stop me from living. I could just not ever exercise, or never go out to eat(which I love to do) or never help anyone but what fun is that. And what would that be teaching my kids. That when life knocks you down, let it. HELL NO! Not how it works. There are always going to be limitations in life, some drastic and some not. Are there days I wish I could still have kids, damn right there are(don't worry Ryan we are done) but I take those days and I remind myself that I have 2 amazing miracles and I wouldn't change that for anything in the world. I don't look at it as something cancer took from me, I look at it as something I took from cancer. Cancer didn't stop me from having a family, it only made my family more special and that much stronger.

Cancer has tried and still tries to put limitations on me but I don't ever let that stop me from living. If anything that makes me live more. I don't believe in time frames or what ifs. I believe in right now and making life count. I have been able to do more amazing things in this lifetime then I ever knew possible and I will only continue to do amazing things in my next 100 years. Yes that puts me at 137 years old (almost 138) but I have hope that that is possible.

Sooooo..... this holiday season remember what life is about. Life is too damn short to be anything but feisty, crazy, fun and maybe a little stubborn at times. So enjoy it with family and friends. Laugh and make memories that will make you smile in 50 years. Eat the damn dessert(maybe a little extra for me) and enjoy the time together. Share your love and strength with others. And most of all, NEVER, EVER lose hope!

My love and strength to each and every one of you!

"Sometimes you get choose your battles and sometimes they choose you"

October 1 is here already! I can't believe how fast time is going but there's no stopping it so here I am welcoming you into Breast Cancer Awareness month! The month of pink which we all know is my favorite color so you may be seeing me in it more then normal. If that's possible!

Breast Cancer awareness month always hits me with different emotions. Not to say that every other month doesn't bring me some wave of emotion but this month is near and dear to my heart. Having had breast cancer changes you. Having had cancer 6 times changes. Shit having cancer changes you! Having someone you love get cancer changes you. I could go on and on but I won't because I am pretty sure you get the point. 

Cancer for me comes in waves. Waves of emotions. There are days I think I can conquer the world and smile the entire time while doing it and there are other days that if you asked me to smile I might punch you in the face. Not literally but my eyes do do a pretty hard punch, just ask Ryan =)!

I think waves of emotions are pretty normal. You can't ask someone to be on all the time and when you are dealing with something like cancer, there is no right or wrong way to deal.

I recently found a new doctor who I have put an enormous amount of pressure on to fix me and make me as healthy as I possibly can be. The first time I met with him and he began looking over my medical records and talking with me, he just stopped, looked up at me and said " your lucky your here!" I smiled and nodded my head and said back to him "Yes I am, now get me to 100!" A few smiles and a laugh and it was time to get down to business. Appointments like this are never easy. They are filled with a lot of emotions and I am always thrown more information then my brain or heart can handle but I know they are worth it. In the end, the consensus was that we I will be monitored closely and that I'm good until I'm not! But aren't we all.

It always takes me awhile to process appointments like this. Sometimes the waves come crashing in like a hurricane and other times they come in and sooth me. You have to take life as it comes. Every day is a gift. Life can be pretty fucked up sometimes but that doesn't mean we don't hold onto hope. Without it, there is nothing.

Now I think that every month we should be aware of cancer and raising awareness but this month I encourage you to wear a little extra pink. And when you wear it, remember that life is worth fighting for. Remember you are stronger then the fight. Remember that we may not get to choose our battles but that cancer is a battle we will win! Remember to take the waves as they come and ride them! 

National Cancer Survivor's Day!

"With hope, the odds don't matter."

                                                 Happy National Cancer Survivor's Day!

Today is a day I never take for granted. 22 years ago cancer came into my life and has been a persistent shadow that follows me ever since. It likes to pop its ugly head up every once in awhile and has yet to learn who it is dealing with. So today is a day to celebrate the survivor's, remember those that we have lost along the way and give hope to those in the fight.

Life is too damn short to not celebrate. In an instant life can change and so it is important to take that time and enjoy life to the fullest. Today is an emotional day for me because I was told on Friday that another round of treatment is coming my way. When I got the phone call, it was as if I had been punched in the stomach. It hurt and left a bruise (nothing that 4 martinis couldn't fix... thanks my girls=))but bruises heal and the hurt turns into hope. And life goes on.

I am asked all the time how I stay so strong and positive. How I continue to fight on. How I deal with it all. My answer is an easy one and an impossible one at the same time. You see this is my life. The good, the bad and the ugly. I do not know any different. I do not know a life without cancer. I mean I can go back to before I was 15 but not many people like to go back to that age and I am definitely one of those people. Cancer is apart of who I am. It does not define me but it has helped mold me into the person I am today. It has tested me in ways I never knew existed. It has tried over and over again to knock me on my ass. It has taken body parts, my hair, and my ability to eat most foods. BUT none of that matters. You don't really even need all your body parts. Hair grows back. I have never had to diet (sorry but I play the C card if that pisses you off). Avocados really are the best food out there and I believe I started the big craze with them! So if you look at it that way, my life is pretty fucking awesome!

Now lets be real! I am not strong and positive 100% of the time. I'm human. No one is capable of that. I get pissed off and sad and I have to find a way to get up off the ground. But it's those moments that make me stronger. When I'm sitting on the floor of my closet, with my face in my hands and tears coming down my face, its those moments that seem impossible to get up from but at the same time its those moments that light a fire under my ass and gives me the strength to fight on. Hope comes in and the tears dry up and before I know it I am standing on my feet stronger then ever.

I hold onto hope always! If there is anything I always tell people who are dealing with this awful disease is to NEVER lose hope. Hope is every where. I feel hope when I wake up in the morning. I see hope in my husband, in my kids and in my family and friends. I feel hope when someone is given a clean bill of health. I hold on to hope when another friend is diagnosed. Hope is the only thing stronger then fear.

Sooooooooo...... Today....... We say FUCK YOU Cancer! Today we celebrate everyone who has been touched by cancer. We celebrate the survivors. We remember those we have lost. We give hope and strength to those fighting. We celebrate our families and friends who have been there every step of the way. Today we do not let cancer knock us down! Today AND everyday we show cancer just how strong we are.

   Rachel Platten- Fight Song

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

What Cancer Cannot Do.....

"A Strong person is not the one who doesn't cry. A strong person is the one who cries and sheds tears for a moment, then gets up and fights again."

I'm a big believer in living by the "What Cancer Cannot do" saying. It has always been something that I lean on and go to when life is kicking my ass. Being 8 weeks into treatment I gotta say that I feel like I'm getting my ass kicked. And if you know me, I am not one to go down without one hell of a fight. So I'm taking my own advise and I am reminding myself What Cancer cannot do! Because this girl is done! I'm done letting cancer have a say! I'm done letting cancer knock me down! I'm done letting cancer think that it has a place in this house! I'm done letting cancer believe that it can win!

There are so so many things that cancer can take...It can take my hair. My appetite. Most foods that I love. Most of my body parts(you would be surprised what a body can run on). It can take my energy and my sleep. It can turn life upside down. BUT................

CANCER CANNOT ....

It cannot cripple love....
            "Love is not something you go out and look for. Love finds you, and when it does, ready or not, It'll be the best thing to ever happen to you."
            
It cannot shatter hope...
               "Never stop believing in hope because miracles happen everyday!"

It cannot dissolve faith...
              "Keep your head up. God gives his hardest battles to His strongest soldiers."

It cannot destroy peace...
               "Peace begins with a smile."

It cannot kill friendship...
                  "When someone has cancer, the whole family and everyone who loves them does too."

It cannot suppress memories...
                "The best things in life are the people you love, the places you've seen, and the memories you've made along the way."

It cannot silence courage...
             "Courage doesn't mean you don't get afraid. Courage means you don't let fear stop you."

It cannot invade the soul...
              "Do what makes your soul shine."

It cannot steal eternal life...
              "Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great and strong purpose in your heart..."

It cannot conquer the spirit...
             "I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me."


This is a reminder to everyone fighting, everyone supporting a fighter and everyone who has lost a loved one to cancer, that there is always hope and to hang on to it for dear life. Because without it the fight is much harder and it does not need to be any harder then it already is.

Love....

"A strong person is not the one who doesn't cry. A strong person is the one who cries and sheds tears for a moment, then gets up and fights again. "

I started today struggling. 2 weeks into a new round of treatment, my body and emotions are not making life easy. Not that life is really ever easy but it never helps when you feel like shit. So I sat in my chair, took my 2 minutes that I allow myself to have every once in awhile and cried. Now I couldn't necessarily tell you exactly what I cried about. Maybe it was because I felt like shit. Maybe it was a small pity party. Maybe it was a "why me" or a "why him" moment. Maybe it was thinking of friends who are dealing with cancer right now. Maybe it was that my hair is slowing falling out. Maybe it was being overwhelmed with life. Maybe it was a happy cry. Maybe it was feeling so loved by family and friends. Maybe it was lack of sleep or my 2 cosmos last night. Who knows.... But whatever it was, it made me stop and think about the amount of love I have in my life.

We all have bad days. That's part of life. Some are worse then others but I have always tried ( I repeat try) to take my bad days and get something positive out of them. So with today being Valentines Day (cheesy I know) I thought I would tell you what love is to me!

Love is....

Always being there... In good times and bad.

Letting me cry and be unreasonable for 2 minutes...

Offering help... even when I have a hard time taking it.

Listening...

Making me smile and even laugh...

Sitting with me even if no words are said...

Sending messages just to say hello...

Having drinks with me when the world has been to much...

My daughter putting her head on my shoulder... even if it only last for a second.

My son saying I love you back to me...

Letting my bitch...

Excepting me for who I am...

Allowing me to speak freely.... even if it might have a some bad words involved...ok maybe a lot of bad words.

Knowing that cancer is hard even if you don't fully get it...

Allowing me to tell my story...
Doing the dishes...
Making dinner...

Coming together as a community and fighting alongside you...

Walking beside me and getting me to the finish line...

Holding my hand...

Making me feel beautiful even with all my scars...

Living with me...

Letting me feel positive when I feel like shit...

Helping me make the best out of life...

Fighting this fight with me...

Standing with me...

Giving me hope when I have started to lose mine...

Treating me normal(what ever normal is) and not as cancer girl...
Giving me words of hope to look at everyday...
The pure joy you get when the bell is finally wrung...
A cosmo and some sweet potato fries...
Is being yourself...
Being a rock for someone...
Holding me up when I can no longer stand...
Family... near and far...
Friends...near and far...
Crying together...
Laughing together...
Dreaming together...
Hoping together....
Never giving up....

So I must say that after reading this over, I can't help but smile and I can't help but feel strong. I don't understand why certain things happen in this world or why horrible things happen to amazing people but I do know that anything is possible to overcome when you are surrounded by love. I thank each and every one of you for loving me for me and all that comes with me! =)

             What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

37......

                                 "Life is too short to be lived counting the years.
                          Just enjoy the ride and make awesome memories...."

I am not exactly sure how I feel about turning 37 but I am attempting to look on the bright side and not remind myself that turning 37 just means I am closer to 40 (which I told Ryan I better be on beach with a drink in my hand for that one)!

Birthdays always make me stop and take a moment to reflect on my life. My 37 years of life. Some good, some bad. Some freaking awesome and some I wouldn't want to ever do again. Some memorable and some I hope to forget some day. Some magical and some sad. Some life changing and some that have changed me forever. Some that make me laugh and some that make me cry just thinking of them.  But no matter what they are, I wouldn't change a thing. This is my life. A life that has blessed me more then I thought ever possible. A life that has challenged me. A life that has tested my beliefs. A life that I do not take for granted. I life I wasn't sure I would get to live out so today I celebrate!

Sooo...... I thought I would share with you 37 quotes that have gotten me through 37 years of life

1. "Live life to the fullest because it only happens ONCE!"

2. "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all."

3. "She has been through Hell. So believe me when I say, fear her when she looks into a fire and smiles."

4. "Maybe life isn't about avoiding the bruises. Maybe it's about collecting scars to prove we showed up for it."

5. "No regrets in life. Just lessons learned."

6. "To the world you may be one person: but to one person you may be the world."

7. " It's not what we have in life, but who we have in our life that matters."

8. " Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

9. " Cancer may have started the fight, But I will finish it."

10. "Your illness does not define you. Your strength and courage does."

11. " Friends become our chosen Family."

12. "When you can't look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark."

13. "This house runs on love, laughter and a while lot of coffee."

14. "Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations."

15. "You're allowed to scream, you're allowed to cry, but do not give up."

16. "Be a strong woman. So your daughter will have a role model and your son will know what to look for in a woman when he's a man."

17. " A strong marriage requires two people who choose to love each other even on those days when they struggle to like each other."

18. "Hope is the only thing stronger than fear."

19. "I want to inspire people... I want someone to look at me and say because of you I didn't give up."

20. "Life is better when your laughing."

21. "I'm not arguing.... I'm simply explain why I am right!"

22. "Alcohol! Because no great story EVER began with a salad..."

23. " When life puts you in tough situations, don't say "Why me" say "Try me"!"

24. "Please, don't be a bitch to me. Because then I'll have to be a bitch back, and I can do it better than you."

25. "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

26. "No one knows and will know how hard it was and still is."

27. "Never stop believing in Hope because miracles happen everyday."

28. "A smile is the best make-up a girl can wear!"

29. "Scars are tattoos with better stories."

30. "She believed she could, so she did!"

31."She stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails."

32. "If I can do cancer, I can do anything."

33. "Life is too short to waste on negative people, boring books or decaf coffee."

34. "Don't half ass anything. Whatever you do, always use your full ass.!"

35. "Use your smile to change the world, don't let the world change your smile."

36. "Don't forget to tell your favorite people that you love them."

37. " Live for Today... Because yesterday has been and gone And tomorrow may never come."

Thank you to each and every one of you who have made not only this birthday but the last 36 special. I would not be here today without each and every one of you. I never know what the year will bring but I am ready to take it on and make each and every day count!