I'm Gonna Love You Through it

Sometimes a song or a show that I am watching will make me cry. Not that it takes me much to cry but it's usually because it touches me in some way. It might have nothing to do with me or anything that I am going through or it might make me wonder if they wrote that particular song or show just for me.  It's like looking at your life from the outside.

I have been through many things in my life and the one thing that is always constant is my family.

My family has had to endure many things because of me. There were times when I tried as hard as I could to push them away but somehow they stuck with me.

Besides just being the typical pain in the ass teenager, life decided to throw Cancer into the mix as well. I don't think I ever fully appreciated what my parents did for me until I became a parent myself. I think I felt some of what they felt when Hailey broke her leg and went into surgery but I am sure it did not compare to a child with Cancer.

My parents divorced when I was little and my mom moved up north and my dad stayed south. My sister and I lived with my mom and saw my dad as much as we could. I am blessed to have two moms. My dad remarried and a few years in they had my brother. I am not big on the word "step" or "half" when it comes to brothers or parents. Family is family . Blood or no blood they helped mold me into the person I am today.

Since I lived with my mom, my mom obviously got the brunt of me. But I can only imagine what it was like for my family down south.

My dad once said to me in one of my bad teenager moments that " friends may come and go but family is always there".  I don't know if I understood or listened back then but I understand it now.

You have the family that raises you into the person you are today. Our family has great laughs at my teenage years but those teenage years are the years that make me a better person today. And makes me have the advantage of my kids never getting away with anything!

Family just continues to grow. Now I have a family of my own and with that comes my husbands family. Who without them, we would not be where we are today!

I now have my own family and I put them before anything else. We grow together. We walk together. We fight together.

Then there are the friends that are family. Friends who walk with you every step of the way and they can be nothing else but family. They hold your hand and dry your tears. They make you laugh and they make you cry. They are the friends that your family welcomes in as their own.

When a bump comes in the road, its your family and friends that help you through it. You can't do it alone. I have tried and its impossible. I am lucky to have that all over. Whether it be right in my house or a phone call away, I know that my family and friends will get me through it. They haven't given up on me yet and I hope they will continue to hold my hand.

I do believe that everyday is a gift. And that we do not know how many days we have. I do not believe a time frame can be giving on life. No matter what the diagnosis. I would not be here today if it were not for my incredible family and friends.

I can not listen to this song without crying. My husband heard when it first came out and it made him think of us. My husband is an incredible man who gives me strength when I honestly have nothing left.

I thank all my family and friends. I love you all dearly!!



Martina McBride I'm Gonna Love You Through It!

She dropped the phone and burst into tears
The doctor just confirmed her fears
Her husband held it in and held her tight
Cancer don’t discriminate or care if you’re just 38
With three kids who need you in their lives
He said, "I know that you’re afraid and I am, too
But you’ll never be alone, I promise you"

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

She made it through the surgery fine
They said they caught it just in time
But they had to take more than they planned
Now it's forced smiles and baggy shirts
To hide what the cancer took from her
But she just wants to feel like a woman again
She said, "I don't think I can do this anymore"
He took her in his arms and said "That's what my love is for"

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

And when this road gets too long
I'll be the rock you lean on
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.
I’m gonna love you through it.

 

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Today my Son is my Hero!

I love the moments when you look at your kids and your heart just smiles! 

Now there is nothing my kids could ever do to make me not love them. That's a given. But as with any teenager there are times when you long for the days when they couldn't talk and give you their opinion. 

Today Cameron is my Hero. 

Cameron is a special kid. Him and I are very alike. It is always very entertaining for my husband to watch Cameron and I argue back and forth. He is usually the only one smiling. 

I think we knew that Cameron was going to be a special kind of kid the second we found out I was pregnant with him. Given the fact the I was not supposed to be able to get pregnant and was on the pill. He some how found his way into this world. A pregnancy of bed rest and countless trips to the hospital Cameron Hope Dowd was born at 29 weeks. A tiny 4 lb , skin and bones baby was brought home with us and our world would never be the same. 

Even at a young ripe age of 19, I knew that life would forever be filled with love. 

We have watched him grow into a fine young man. Of course as he gets older its  a little harder to get information out of him and being a boy doesn't make it any easier. If something is bothering Hailey, we hear about it for days. But Cameron you have to pull it out of him. 

Last yr was the first year he ever had to try out for a team sport. Before then, you just signed up and everyone played and if they didn't you always had my big mouth to make sure that they did! 

He loves basketball. Plays it hard and try's with everything he has. 7th grade try-outs did not go as we all had hoped and he was cut on the final day of try-outs. He walked out of that gym with his head held high and the second we got home he asked if he could go play basketball. Now is basket case mother did not take it as well as he did. I cried like a baby. Hailey loves to do a great impression of me crying my eyes out. But it was something I honestly couldn't control. I was not mad that he didn't make it. I didn't think it was unfair. I just hurt for my child in a way I didn't know possible. You don't ever want to see your child hurt. And with Cameron, you knew he wasn't going to sit down and cry it out with me. Hes a boy who just like his father you must pull the feelings out!

Well he continued to play basketball and joined every league he could and did every camp he could over the course of the year. So that when 8th grade try-outs came around he would be ready. 

It was a very proud moment. He never gave up. He knew that there was a chance he would not make the team this year. Most of the players from last year were trying out. But he knew the second he didn't make the 7th grade team that he would try out for the 8th.  He gave every last bit of himself and by golly it paid off. He made the team!!!  And I didn't even have to sleep with the coach (which you know I of course suggested that to my husband). =)

As a parent, you try to instill values into your kids that they will take with them their entire lives. Cameron not making the 7th grade team and making the 8th grade team showed him that if he works hard enough , he can do anything. And I honestly believe that. My kids are my kids so I of course think they are special. But Cameron made me look at life differently too.  We can sit around a cry and bitch  about anything and everything or we can dry the tears and get up and do something about it!! That is a gift that is priceless to a mother.

I do not know if Cameron will ever know what this has done for me. I think at a time when I needed it the most, my son picked me back up!!

Let the games begin!!!!

Hero

For Breast Cancer Awareness month, a friend of mine is honoring a hero each day on facebook. Today I was her hero.

A hero is defined as a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has preformed a heroic act. A person of distinguished courage or ability.

I have never considered myself to be a hero. That to me is a very high honor. And I am not one to consider to put myself up on a pedestal. But today when I found out that this amazing person had chosen me as one of her hero's I was touched beyond words. To be given that name, even for a day, is an honor that I will take with me always.

I am a survivor. That I know. But I do believe that being a survivor is a job. A job I will happily take.
 I call it a job because it is my job to take what I have learned from Cancer and share it with the world. Or at least with as many people who will listen. If one person can take away something from my story then it makes every bad day worth it.

I have no choice but to fight each and everyday. What else am i supposed to do. Is one supposed to just let cancer take over and win? HELL NO! I believe that cancer gave me strength to live forever. That is a gift that cancer gave to me. Strength to never give up and to continue to fight. What I try to do is look at what good Cancer has brought into my life. It has in a way formed the person I am today and has given me things I did not know possible. Breast Cancer brought Joan into my life and made me her Hero for the day! What better gift is there.

The stories that I heard and the people I met along the way while I was battling Breast Cancer are the only reason I am still here today. The inspiration that filled my heart let my heart continue to beat each and every day. I want my story to inspire others to never give up the fight.

One thing I have learned from Cancer is that every day is a gift. And you can never go back to yesterday. You only have today and if tomorrow comes then that is a gift. A gift that I try very hard to not take advantage of. Leave each day to its fullest. Do I do that every day? NO, but I should.

Life is a journey with many twist and turns and bumps along the way. There is nothing I would take back or ask to change because each day and every scar on my body has made me the Hero that Joan sees.  That is a gift that I will hold in my heart forever.

I don't consider myself a hero because I feel as though I can always do more. I am not doing enough in the fight for Cancer. In the fight for Life. And maybe I think that because until there is no Cancer then no one is doing enough. So I hope that I can be the Hero that Joan sees and make her proud each and every day.

I thank you for making me look at me a different way today. I hope that each and everyone of you will stop and think about who is your hero and how you can become a hero yourself!

Today Cancer gave me a gift! Today I am a HERO!!

 

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.

There are so many things I love about October. I love the changing colors outside. Every day it looks like there is a new color. I love the weather turning cooler. Curling up in a comfy sweater in front of a fire. I love that even as the colors are changing and you know winter is coming there is pink everywhere.

Pink is the color of universal love.  A pink carnation means "I will never forget you". The color pink can bring hope and a calming feeling. I think that's why Breast Cancer ribbons are Pink.

I have become a lover of pink. When I got pregnant with my daughter, I remember saying that I would never put her in pink. No fluffy dresses or pink tiaras. But I am sure eating my words now. I am the one pushing her to wear pink even when she wants to wear blue!! My husband has learned to tolerate me buying him pink. My son has a shirt that says "real men wear pink"! Pink has a new meaning in all of our lives. Whether its talked about or not, when someone wears pink in this house there is a smile in our all of our hearts.

When Breast Cancer came into this house it was something that no one expected. Not that you ever expect cancer or that there is a good time for it but it really did knock us all off our feet. A little surgery and biopsy turned into such a nightmare. One call to the doctor about one thing turned into the one phone call that no one ever wants to get. I couldn't speak at first. I remember my sister standing in the kitchen as I was laying on the couch when the phone rang. I hung up and she asked how it went. I couldn't tell her at first. What is the right way to say that the doctor said it is Breast Cancer? Is there a protocol? The words just come out and you realize that your life will never be the same. Stage 1 or Stage 4, life turns upside down. A million things go through your mind and you think it could never be me. Especially Breast Cancer at 28.

You hang onto what you can and you go on with your life the best you can.

October warms my heart and breaks it at the same time. I love listening and reading the stories of survivors. Hearing their strength and courage keeps me going each day. The stories of those lost break my heart but also give me strength. Those are the stories that make you cry but give you the strength to continue the fight and to help others fight as well.

I hope that you will wear pink at little bit more this month. I hope that you will feel your boobies more and encourage others to do the same as well.. Early detection saves lives. It saved mine!!

Overprotective

Can one be too overprotective of their child?

I am not sure I am the best person to answer that question but I am going to give it a shot. 

I have obviously had a very hard time with Hailey breaking her leg. And as recovery is coming along she is able to do more and more. She still has limits but is really coming along. Almost feels like we are starting over with "first". Her first steps, her first shower by herself, her first sleepover, her first time one the bus. Everything "her first" since breaking her leg. My husband asked me the other day if we are just starting over with first. I don't see why not!!!

I have a hard time letting her do things that she and I both know she is ready for. I do know there are a few things that I will for sure not let her do (like riding her bike ) but I also know that I need to let go of the fear and begin to let  go of the leash.

My husband told me my problem is that I need to stop trying to protect her from everything. I have to stop blaming myself for her breaking her leg and that I am overprotective. I had a hard time responding to that because of course I am overprotective. I am a mom and she is my child. What mother wouldn't be overprotective. But as I have gotten to think about it over the last few days maybe one can be too overprotective. Now I am not saying he is right because I do not like to ever admit that out loud, but he might have a point.

Hailey wanted to take the bus. I have been driving her to and from school everyday since school started. She has been taking the elevator and has had someone help her everyday. So I told her that if she wanted to take the bus she would have to take the stairs. He response was "ok". She was ready. She was asking and I just kept putting it off until finally I couldn't any more. So Friday she took the bus and never looked back. I waited for the phone call from the school all day and it never came.  I waited for the bus after school and was imagining a million things that could go wrong on the bus. Even to the point of thinking that the bus tipped over because it was a few minutes late. Maybe a little extreme but that's my mind for ya! She came off that bus all smiles and I couldn't help feel relief. And also wonder what the hell took me so long.

When life has thrown me bumps along my path, I have always been able to get up and get going. I am the one who wants to get off the couch on day two after having your stomach cut in half. I am the one who will lift the 100 pound tv with my bad arm and deal with the consequences later. I am not one to hesitate to get on with  life. But its a very different story when its your child.

Am I protective? Yes. Am I overprotective? Damn right! But I do not know another way. But I do believe that I need to try and be a little less overprotective and a little more protective otherwise I will be holding my children back from life. And there is no greater fear I have then holding my children back.

So each day I will loosen the leash a little more and hopefully by the time she is 18 , I can let go!! =)