Monday, April 30, 2012
Bucket List
The definition of a Bucket list is a list of things you want to do before you die.
Yesterday Ryan and I were able to make a quick stop to the Grand Canyon in Arizona while on a buisness trip. As we stood at the top of one of the Great Natural Wonders of the world, A man walked by me and said that he could now check off this off his Bucket List. Which of course got me thinking. I do not have a Bucket List. I never even thought to make one. And I wonder why that is. Maybe I made a list of things in my head that I thought would be cool to do but I never really considered that my Bucket List.
I do not like having a timeline. Especially a timeline on life. I do know that you can not take life for granted and that life will not last forever but I hate trying to fill a lifetime of memories into a small time frame.
When I was diagnosed with Cancer at 15, I cramed as much of life into a few years as I could. Good and bad, I feel like I lived life. There are things I would do differently but then I think that I can never say i didn't live life to the fullest.
When a doctor tells you that you only have so long to live and then you reach that time, you wonder "what now". You take a deep breathe and wonder if it will be your last. You wonder if people will remember who you are. You wonder how on earth could this doctor be wrong. Then you have a feeling of accomplishment. You feel like you have conquered the world because you beat Cancer.
Of course until it comes back in a different form.
Does that mean I should make a Bucket List?
Will making a Bucket List make the fact that Cancer is taking over my body better?
What is I can't finish what is on that list? Did I fail then?
Fear takes over me more then I would like to admit.
It took many years for the doctors to determine that the pain in my stomach was a baseball size tumor. Doctors would tell me I was fine and that maybe i just had bad gas. Gas my ass!!!
Everytime one of my children has a stomach ache, Fear completely takes over my body. My children have been through more test because of fear.
When I had my lump removed from my breast, Cancer was not something I had feared in awhile. Just a precaution because of my history. Blindsided again, Fear took over my body. Breast Cancer is not even a cancer I can get. I am only 28.
I fear for my daughter everyday.
Every bump...every headache.. every bruise brings fear...
Would making a Bucket List help??
I do not think that the Grand Canyon would be on that list. Was it amazing and beautiful,Absolutely. I hope to be able to bring my children there someday.
If there was one thing I would put on my "Bucket List" it would be TIME!!! Time with my kids.. Time with my usband.. Time with my family... And if that takes me around the world then great. But if it only takes us to my backyard I would just be greatful for that time..
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You know My Aunt Yvonne had over a span of 35 years 4 different types of cancer. She once told me one of her things on her "bucket list" although we didn't call it that back then, was to live to watch Bridget: graduate, go to collage, meet a boy and get married. It sucks that didn't happen, she also wanted to go to Alaska, that didn't happen, she wanted to provide a secure future for myself and my family and that didn't happen. all those things on her "list" It is hard for me looking back now and thinking she never was able to realize these goals. would she have been better off or happier not having those items listed down or would it have been better off for me now not knowing that she didn't achieve these goals, I am not sure. I do know she was the most inspirational woman to not only myself but hundreds of girls in the 40 years she taught dance (and boys too). I think if she had stopped worrying about getting those things done on her list, she could have stopped and enjoyed the moments that were in front of her. Do what you want, feel what you feel, but don't worry about weather you achieve climbing Mt Everest but then again when you come to a mountain you can either turn around and go backwards or move ahead and go over it. Never let an opportunity pass you by.
ReplyDeleteWhat great revelations, sweet friend. Thanks for making us all pause and think about what a gift time is.
ReplyDeleteThis is so inspiring. I feel in love with your spirit from day one. And as you go through this, just remember that someone , somewhere is rallying behind you. I love you girl!
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