There is no time line on healing!!

I have had my share of surgeries. More then the fingers on my hands. Each one uniquely different. I have enough scares on my body to play tic tac toe. Once the body begins to heal, you must start on the inside. The emotional side of healing takes much longer then the actual wound itself. But there is no timeline. No one person can tell you it takes this long to get over this particular surgery. Its the same in everyday life as well. When someone dies, there is no timeline to how long  you grieve. Some it takes longer then others. Sometimes I wish there was a timeline. An outline on how to get over things that happen. I bet there could be some really money in that if it actually could work. Everyone has there own timeline. And no two are the same.

I have recovered fast and I have recovered slow before. Its always surprising to me the surgeries that take me forever to get back on my feet. I have been cut from end of my stomach to the other and I think i was up and moving faster then from when I had my lump in my breast taken out. Now I was younger and so I am sure that has something to do with it but it was different. Maybe I know more now and that is why it seems that with every new procedure , comes a longer recovery.

The emotional side to recovery is so much more painful then any incision on the body. It took me 13 yrs to deal with the cancer when I was 15. I don't know if as a teenager I just blocked it completely from my mind or if I simpley couldn't process it yet. I remember my son got a hernia as a baby. Simple procedure.My husband and I got to wait in the day surgery room. The longest hour of my life. It was right then that I realized what my parents went through. I apologized to my mother for the fight I gave her each and every day of my teenage years. I do much better as the patient. Through the years I have tried to understand what my family goes through. What my husband goes through. I do not want to be the patient but i know for a fact, I do not want to be the one in the waiting room either.

There are days that I feel completely normal and that I can do anything. And I of course will try and do everything. But I am always reminded that I am not normal. I realized I wasn't able to run when I started to train for a marathon. My doctor told me that because my entire stomach muscle was removed, I am unable to run. When I try to lift something heavy with my left arm, I am reminded of the Lymphadema I suffer from because of the amount of lymph nodes they removed. When I look at my children and have that " I want one more"moment, I am reminded that that is impossible without a uteruas.  Normal is very overrated.

It has been almost 6 yrs since my miscarriage and sometimes it hurts more today then it did then. Its not talked about. Its a personal struggle that no one can understand. And I have learned that that is ok.

There is no timeline on healing. I think there are things in my life I may never heal from. I think that makes me a stronger person in some ways.

Sometimes without a timeline , I feel that it is easier to heal..