40....

"And in the end it's

not the years in your 

life that count. It's the 

life in you years. "

Today I turn 40!

I will worn you that at this exact moment, I have so many different emotions. Turning 40, I believe, is a milestone. For everyone. I know some say 40 is the new 30(which I will take) or that 40 isn't a big deal. BUT for me, 40 is something to celebrate and I am so glad I get to celebrate it with all of you.

Last night, my house filled with people that I love. Whether you were physically in my house or there with me in spirit, my house and my heart were filled with more love then I knew possible. 

This last year has been a roller coaster of emotions. Shit, my life has been a roller coaster of emotions! But it is my life and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. If there was a fucking bump in the road I hit, that bump only lead me to the next adventure and it built me to the person I am today. 

Cancer changes your life. It is brutal. It is unfair. It is heartbreaking. It is relentless. BUT I know that I am stronger then cancer because I am surrounded by amazing people who lift me up when I can't stand and when I looked around last night, I have never had more strength in my life.

There are so many things I want to say and so many emotions I could try and express but today I am going to just take in this moment. I have never liked birthdays. They have always been hard for me but I will say that 40 is the best birthday I have ever had. And as the bumps come in the years to come, I know that we will hit them together.

I truly love you all and thank you for filling my heart with so much love and giving me the strength to fight for another 40!

                                                                   FUCK CANCER

I'm standing with you...

Through whatever you go through
I'm standin' with you
Here wherever you go to
I'll stand beside you
And when you think that all the odds are all against you
And you just feel like giving up, well, I won't let you
Through whatever you go through...
I'm standing with you
I'm standing with you

The first time I heard this song, I cried. Shocking, I know but if you really listen to the words in the song, I bet you may even shed a tear or at least have your eyes water. That is one of the things I love about music. I love what music can make you feel. Especially when at times, all you are trying to do is not feel. Music brings out emotions in you that sometimes you didn't know you had or even worse, brings out the emotions that you buried way down deep inside that only a song that really knows how you feel, brings them out. Love hate relationship with music for sure! 

This past year has been an emotional one to say the least. A year ago today, I was on a plane to New York to have surgery. A surgery that has forever changed me, good and bad. A surgery that took not only my body to bat but fucked with my emotions in a way I didn't know possible. A surgery that would push me to the cliff, dangle me over it and ultimately save my life. And for that I am forever grateful.  

When your hurting, I want you to know
That you'll never have to hurt alone
When your faith is, faith is running low

I'll never lose faith in you
When the night's around you
And you think that no one cares about you
I will go and throw my arms around you
I'll be there...

This year has been a year of recovery. A recovery that is still ongoing and if I just try and face the truth, a recovery that will be with me the rest of my life. It can be hard at times. Feel impossible. Annoying as shit. Complicated. Time consuming and all encompassing. But I'm not complaining. Because I'm here and fighting every day with a smile on my face. 

We all got time's when we can't be strong
When it feels like, like all hope is gone
But I'm right here, right here to lean on
I'll always be strong for you
And when you feeling broken
And it's seems like every door is closing
Want you to know that mine is always open
I'll be there...

I am traumatized, broken and afraid. But I am also strong, determined, stubborn and a fighter. And what I have learned is that I can be broken and strong at the same time. I can take the very thing that has broken me to my core and build a strength off of it that is even stronger than before. I honestly believe that what doesn't kill us really does make us stronger.  We all have shit. We all have something that has broken us down and tested us in ways like never before. But we surround ourselves with peeps that hold us up when we can't stand on our own. That breathe for us when it feels impossible to breathe. That make us smile in our darkest moment. That never lose hope or faith in us. I do not only survive because I am strong. I survive because I have an army around me that stands by me every second.

Nothing you can do can move me
You can try, but you can't lose me
You can't lose me

Through whatever you go through
I'm standing with you
And wherever you go to (You go to), I'll stand beside you
And when you think that all the odds are all against you
And you just feel like giving up, well, I won't let you
Through whatever you go through (through whatever you go through)

I am standing today, because I am not alone in this fight. I have learned that therapy comes in many different versions and that no one is right or wrong. Sometimes it is sitting on couch with therapist who tells you it is ok to feel this way. Sometimes it is a girl’s weekend filled with tears, laughs and love. Sometimes it is having drinks with a friend who knows your hurting but will not mention what you are going through because they know that is exactly what you need right now. Sometimes it is just being present. Sometimes it is an email or a text to just say I love you. It comes in all different ways and I am grateful for each and every one. 

 

I do not know exactly what this year ahead will bring me. I know it will test me and push me. I know that I will have to fight like hell but I am ok with that. I am more then ok with that. I am ready. WE are ready. To each and everyone of you going through something right now or trying to process something that you have gone through, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Remember that you have so many standing with you and helping you every step of the way. Life is toooooooo fucking short to not enjoy every second. Do not take this time for granted. Live it. Laugh. Love with all your heart. And remember that it is ok to be broken because I am standing with you holding you together.

Thank you to each and every one of you who holds me together and makes me smile.

Tally Marks.....

"Strength isn't about how much 

you can handle before you break, 

it's about how much 

you can handle after you break."

Many people collect things. Maybe it's baseball cards, shot glasses, Starbucks mugs, key chains, etc... Usually people collect them because they want to and because they like that particular thing. They can display them in a cool way and it can even spark fun conversation. But what about the things you don't want to collect but have no choice? Like cancer.

Cameron, my son, got me a tattoo for Mother's Day last year. To some that may sound weird but this child knows how much I love my tattoos. It may have taken me almost a year to use it, but last night we went to cash that baby in. Now minus the tattoo on my lower back that I got when I was younger, all my tattoos have a meaning. I like to say that some of them are even therapy for me but Ryan says I should just admit that I love tattoos. But since I am writing this, I am going with therapy. 😜
So picking one was not easy because they are obviously permanent and I need it to mean something to me. I need to know that when I look at it, it represents part of who I am.

After this last surgery and #7 cancer, I wanted something that represented surviving 7. Something that says "FUCK YOU cancer, I'm still here". And I didn't want to get fuck on my body (though I will admit I have thought about it =)). I thought about getting a number 7 behind my ear or roman numerals or something along that line but turning a number 7 maybe into an 8 and then maybe turning an 8 into a 9 can be complicated so I went with tally marks.

Now I know that sounds sad and awful! And believe me it sucks on this end too. But I will not let that change how I am going to live my life. There have been so many times where I felt exhausted, scared and done. But each time, I dig deep and find that strength that has gotten me through the last 20 plus years of cancer and remind myself that I can do this. I look around and see the amazing people I am surrounded by and remember that I am stronger then any tally mark on my body.

I live in a reality that someday number 8 will come my way. It may be tomorrow, in a year or in 50 years but someday I will add a tally mark to my arm and I will do it with the same "fuck you" attitude I did last night. I will do it and gain strength because every time I look at it, I see how far I have come. I am reminded that it was hard and it was painful but I am also reminded of the strength and determination that got me through it.

When I sat down and told the tattoo artist I wanted 7 tally marks, he tried to guess what the 7 meant. 7 kids, 7 husbands, 7 toes =), 7 countries visited, etc... and as we laughed at each one he said, Cameron said he will never guess. Guess it is not something people collect. So when I finally told him that the 7 tally marks stood for me getting cancer 7 times he was speechless. And not speechless in a Woohoo moment but more of a speechless in a "oh shit I just said all these funny things about 7 things" moment. But I reassured him that it is ok to laugh and joke about this because life is all about how you handle the bullshit that comes your way. And what I have learned is that I feel so much better when I take lead over cancer. Even if at times it feels like it has the upper hand, I never let it get ahead of me for long. Because it is worth the fight.

Cancer will continue to follow me as my life goes one. It will try to peak its head up and take pieces of me with it when it leaves. And at times it will feel impossible but nothing is impossible. Even as corny as that sounds. Nothing is impossible. The road can be so hard and bumpy sometimes and can even seem unfair, but never ever lose hope. I am human and I struggle all the time with understanding cancer and understanding why but I hold onto hope every single day. And when I lose that hope, even for a second, I surround myself with those who hold onto for me.

So today, and everyday, never forget how strong you really are. Dig deep when you need to. Share your strength with others. Smile because it will change someone's life. Celebrate your milestones. Laugh as much as you can. Hold onto hope.

And celebrate my tally marks with me!

Goodbye 2018

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.

So, love the people who treat you right 

and forget about the ones who don't.

And Believe

that everything happens for a reason...

if you get a chance- take it;

if it changes your life- let it.

Nobody said that it would be easy...

They promise it would be worth it."

As 2018 comes to an end, I sit back and reflect on the many ups and downs that the year brought and I look to what 2019 has in store for us all.

Now I try and not hold onto to bad things that happen. And I do not want the bad to ever take over all the good that has happen this past year. But 2018 was a challenging year to say the least and a year that tested me in more ways than one. It is a year that pushed me to the edge and dangled me over the cliff. BUT it is also a year that showed me that I still have the strength to fight and it is a strength that can never be taken away from me.

I am beyond blessed in many ways. I have 2 beautiful children who have blossomed this past year in a way I always dreamt of for them. I have an amazing husband who amazes me every day by his dedication and strength. I have a wonderful family who has been there through thick and thin and shown me that we can do anything together. I have fantastic friends who are always allow me to be me and can make me smile even when I don't want to. I have home that is warm, welcoming and always filled with love(despite any mess that might be there too). What more can a person ask for right?!

Well, because I don't ever believe enough is enough, I want more! Now I am not talking about things you can buy at a store or a trip that can be taken. I am not talking about a bigger house or a nicer car. I am not even talking about money. What I want is more valuable and more important than all of that! I want more HOPE!

My life has not been your typical fairy tale. But who the hell loves a traditional story. I would much rather live on the edge of life(maybe not so close to the edge this year) and not have one single regret.

Cancer FUCKING SUCKS! No easy, nice or polite way to say it. There is not good kind. Cancer is Cancer and it all FUCKING sucks. It is something that every single person in some which way has dealt with. It may not be you personally, but there is no one that doesn't have someone they know and love who has not had cancer. That is something that truly breaks my heart. Having dealt with this for 20 plus years now, I wish I could wave my magic wand and have no one else in the world experience what I and those closest to me have gone through. But since that is not possible I am going to wave something else. HOPE!

There are only a handful of times that I lost hope while fighting cancer and I will tell you that losing hope was far more scarier to me then the chance of losing my life. And I am a pretty fucking positive ray of sunshine so when I lose hope I am pretty sure the world is coming to and end. So fear not, the world is not coming to and end and if you are reading this right now and are in need of a little hope, I got you! Hope is coming your way.

Life is this incredible journey. It will take you on your highest high and it will take you to the lowest of lows. But it is so worth it. I believe in order to get to the high points in life, you have to go through some hard shit. Now do I think maybe we could stop adding tally marks to the cancer card I am carrying but I am not complaining. Because I am here. And my struggles, my cancers, have brought me to a place where I want every single person to get to. A place where there is always hope.

I promise you, it is going to seem impossible at times. It is going to feel like it doesn't even matter if you have hope or you don't. But I promise you, it is so worth it. There will be days that feel like you can't go on any further. But there is hope that tomorrow will be better. There will be days that you cry yourself to sleep. But there is hope that tomorrow will bring less tears and more smiles. There will be days that you lose hope. But if there is anything I have learned in this life, it is that hope never leaves and hope is always there.

I see hope in my children's eyes. I see hope in a sick friend. I see hope in m husbands passion. I see hope in the mirror. AND I SEE HOPE IN YOU!

Make 2019 the year that we spread HOPE because if you ask me, this world could use a lot more of it.

Thank you to each and every one of you that has helped me get to this day. I would not only not be alive today but I would also not be the person I am today without each and every one of you.

Love you all and remember to smile today!

New Normal...

"Live life for the moment because everything else is uncertain!"

I have spent the last couple of months finding what we like to call "the new normal". It hasn't been easy but I think we are all adjusting to the new normal and not complaining about it one bit. (well mostly).

When you come out of something as traumatic as what we went through, your entire view on life changes. And I must say that I have always had a pretty "live life to fullest" attitude due to 20 years of cancer, but I will admit that I have come out of this looking at life in a different way.

This surgery came with a risk that I don't think any of us were prepared for. Not that every surgery doesn't come with some type of risk but this one in particular came with a risk of death. So much so that Ryan and I had to have "the talk". And "the talk" was not about sex I can tell you that. =) It was more about quality of life and what we both felt comfortable with. Not that there is anything comfortable about asking your husband to pull the plug if things turn in a direction that doesn't look so good. A horrible and shitty conversation to have and one that I am actually shocked we have never had before but it is a conversation that neither one of us really thought we had to have. I am sure we both had the conversation in our own heads and had thoughts about it but never was there a conversation between us like that before. And I will tell you that we both walked away from that conversation emotionally exhausted. But we had to prepare ourselves for what could happen to the best we could. And I will admit we came out of not only that conversation but this entire ordeal stronger then ever.

I remember waking up after surgery (YEH) and having a wave of emotion that was so amazing that it is even hard to put into words. It was like a "I FUCKING MADE IT" emotion and it felt amazing. Now it didn't last long and the joy quickly turned into darkness in record time but for those few moments, I was filled with hope. A hope that I lost shortly after that due to complications that spiraled so quickly that instead of feeling hope for a new life, I felt a fear that I would not survive. That is a scary moment to have. A moment that is still extremely hard for me to talk but I know is so important to confront.

You see, when you start to believe you can not do something or you can not survive something, I believe that that is worse then your body failing. You have to believe you can beat something in order to win. If just your body is fighting (which mine was not doing either but that's not my point) and your mind and heart aren't, I do not believe you will win the battle. I was so emotionally tired and emotionally spent and so much was going wrong that my body just shut down. It gave up. I gave up. Thank God I had people around me that fought for me when I couldn't find the strength. And eventually, my strength started to come back. Slowly! Much slower then anyone of us liked but the fact that it was coming back was good enough for all of us.

My body has recovered to what I believe is the new normal and I am not complaining at all. It is so much better then what it was before that when I have discomfort and pain, I can't even complain about it because I will take it over what it was. My heart and mind are recovering as well. I believe that will take longer then the body for sure but that is ok. There is no time limit on recovery and I know in time the dark cloud that tried to take over my soul in May, will completely be filled in with sunshine.

So for now, I am living life. I am taking everything in. I am making memories and not living in fear. When we told our kids that cancer was found and that they got it all and that I was in remission, my son(19) asked "so does that mean it is gone forever?" and all we could tell him was that what we know today is that I am ok and that the cancer is gone. That there is no guarantee but that we are not going to live in fear. Instead we are going to take advantage of this amazing gift we have been given and live life to the fullest. It is all we can do. Now it's not to say that I don't have fear, believe me I do but that is an entirely different blog=), but I will not let the fear take over my hope. A hope that when I lost it was the worst feeling ever and something I never want to feel again. A hope that pulled through for me, even when I lost it. I believe in the power of hope. I struggle with many beliefs but hope is something I will forever believe in and hold onto.

So in a world where I truly believe we all need a little hope, I share mine with each and everyone of you. I have to believe that all I have been through is for a reason. I have to believe that me sharing my strength and my weaknesses will help someone who is struggling right now. This is not an easy battle. It can feel fucking impossible at times but it can also be rewarding. And if you need me to give you hope, I am always here to share it with you.

I thank each and everyone who has helped heal not only my body but my heart and soul over these past few months. Thank you for treating me as Krissie and not "cancer girl'. Thank you for making me smile through the tears. Holding my hand to make me feel loved. Being patient with me as I find the new normal and thank you for giving me the strength to never give up.

Smile today..... because I am sending you all hope and strength! 

Remission

"One of the greatest feelings is 

accomplishing something that

 you once thought was impossible."

Life has taken us on quite the ride these past 6 weeks but I am glad to say that I believe we have sunny days coming our way again.

As most of you know, I had surgery in New York on May 10th and everything went great. Well with the surgery that is. Recovery was a different story. Apparently breathing is essential for recovery but I can definitely say my body did not get that memo on that one. But I am going to attempt to not let the trauma of recovery take over and enjoy the fact that I am here today and getting stronger everyday!

This was by far the hardest surgery and recovery I have ever been through in my life. And this body has seen its share of just about everything (at least it feels like it has). I have been gutted, cut from top to bottom and side to side, had most body parts that you don't need (and some you do) removed and have been glued, meshed and stitched back together. Not sure how this body is still functioning but it is.

This surgery came with it's own set of risks as does every surgery but this one came with a few that we had not experienced before. Ryan and I had to have conversations before the surgery that no husband and wife should ever have to have. Things I am unable to talk about because my body is definitely healing faster then my emotions. But I am sure you know exactly what those hard talks were about. We had them, moved on and we both try to pretend that those conversations never happen. Which I truly believe is the healthiest way to deal with that =).

Recovery came with some challenges but we all faced them together. I had a team of doctors and nurses that were like nothing I had ever seen before. With every complication came an expertise that I can truly say saved my life. I had around the clock care from family and friends the entire time I was in the hospital. I know it was not easy and it came with things that no one expected but they were champs and I am only here today because they were there. I am pretty sure I owe everyone a real trip to New York at some point, including myself.

After returning home (FINALLY), we were hit with pathology reports. Now I fucking hate pathology reports. I am sure they need a better name and I am sure I have several but I will spare you my vulgar language. Or at least I will try. So we were thrown by the findings of cancer but assured that since I was gutted, there can't possible be anything left in this body that can kill me. But of course you have to go through the steps. PET scans and blood work. All things I know all to well and dread. Now for years my numbers have not been good but pinpointing where it was all coming from was close to impossible. So docs would treat me the best they could and I am sure that is one of the reasons I am still alive today (at least that is what I am telling myself). So going into all these fun test after not only having my body put through the fucking ringer but my emotions even more, was not easy. We (I should say I) waited not so patiently for the results. And they take to fucking long if you ask me. =) Trust me this is me being tame with the language!

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...……
The doctor calls and for the first time my numbers are normal and my scans are clear! WTF! OMG! Officially in remission. I will be honest, I didn't know how to respond. I wasn't expecting it for sure. This has been my life for so long that I don't really know any different. But this was a moment that of course made me cry (because I am pretty sure they fucked with my hormones when they were digging around in there cause there are a ton of tears) but also made me feel a sense of relief I didn't know existed. It is a moment you wait for your entire life but don't think it will happen because if you do, you are crushed every time it doesn't go your way. And I have been crushed more times then any one person can handle in a lifetime. But I will take all the crushes for this moment.

This body and mind have a long way to go to recover. There is a new normal that my body is trying to adjust to. There are emotions I do not know how to process yet. And there is the mourning of a belly button. That's right! He took my belly button without telling me! WTF! LOL! I just had to throw that in there. I am totally kidding that I am mad (well maybe a little).

There will be many blogs to come as I heal and process everything that has happen and what this new life holds for me. For today, I embrace everything. I have always lived life to the fullest and this has lit a fire under my ass in a way that should scare you all because if you thought I was crazy before, you aint seen nothing yet. This girl is living.

I thank each and every one of you who has helped me get through the last couple of months and who will continue to over the next few months. The prayers, kind words, texts, cards, meals, visits and thoughts have been overwhelming (in the best possible way). They have gotten us all through this and I know that Ryan and the kids greatly appreciate it too.

So today we celebrate! And tomorrow we celebrate! I think we should celebrate everyday because I have no idea what the future holds but today I know that everything I have been through over the years has brought me to this day and today I am Cancer FREE! So fucking celebrate peeps!

Update time

"The task ahead of you

is never greater

than the strength

within you."

I wanted to take the time to update you all on everything that has been going on and what is to come.

I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone who has reached out to us in the last few weeks. I can honestly say that without each and every one of you, I would not even have the strength to write this blog.

So after what seemed to be an endless fight with the insurance company, we have been approved for surgery with the specialist in New York. I honestly had no idea that getting your insurance to approve a surgeon ,who is 1 of 3 surgeons in the US that can perform this surgery with a good outcome, could be this hard. But after jumping through all their hoops and seeing countless doctors here who could not perform this surgery, New York here we come.

May 10th is the big day! Ryan and I will fly out the day before and be out there for a couple of weeks. With having to fight so much with the insurance, I didn't really have time to think or worry about the surgery itself. But Ryan told me not to worry, that time would come. And here it is.

Having to plan for a difficult surgery is hard all by itself. I know, I have done many before. But having to plan for a surgery that is 835 miles from home, is even harder. Now I am beyond grateful that I am able to go to New York with one of the top surgeons in the US so believe me I am not complaining, but it does have its challenges.

We will be leaving our kids at home the first week which is beyond hard so please keep them in your prayers. I know this is not easy for them and we all try to put on our brave faces but needless to say I know this is hard. But their beautiful faces will come out to see me the second week with my sister and for that I am grateful. So if you see them just make sure to give them a little extra love for me.

I have managed to make every reservation for housing, get flights arranged and schedule around the clock care from family and friends. I am beyond overwhelmed with love with everyone willing to come out and help. I know this is definitely hard on everyone and the love and support from near and far are greatly appreciated. And to my amazing husband who has taken an enormous amount of stress off of me, thank you! I truly love you!

The last few weeks have been very hard. With not feeling well and much of my energy taken up with planning, it has not been easy but somehow, every time I feel like I can't go any further, one of you reaches out and gets me through. So Thank You! 

So I ask that you keep us all in your prayers and send a little extra love and strength to us too.

Thank you again for always being there!