Remission

"One of the greatest feelings is 

accomplishing something that

 you once thought was impossible."

Life has taken us on quite the ride these past 6 weeks but I am glad to say that I believe we have sunny days coming our way again.

As most of you know, I had surgery in New York on May 10th and everything went great. Well with the surgery that is. Recovery was a different story. Apparently breathing is essential for recovery but I can definitely say my body did not get that memo on that one. But I am going to attempt to not let the trauma of recovery take over and enjoy the fact that I am here today and getting stronger everyday!

This was by far the hardest surgery and recovery I have ever been through in my life. And this body has seen its share of just about everything (at least it feels like it has). I have been gutted, cut from top to bottom and side to side, had most body parts that you don't need (and some you do) removed and have been glued, meshed and stitched back together. Not sure how this body is still functioning but it is.

This surgery came with it's own set of risks as does every surgery but this one came with a few that we had not experienced before. Ryan and I had to have conversations before the surgery that no husband and wife should ever have to have. Things I am unable to talk about because my body is definitely healing faster then my emotions. But I am sure you know exactly what those hard talks were about. We had them, moved on and we both try to pretend that those conversations never happen. Which I truly believe is the healthiest way to deal with that =).

Recovery came with some challenges but we all faced them together. I had a team of doctors and nurses that were like nothing I had ever seen before. With every complication came an expertise that I can truly say saved my life. I had around the clock care from family and friends the entire time I was in the hospital. I know it was not easy and it came with things that no one expected but they were champs and I am only here today because they were there. I am pretty sure I owe everyone a real trip to New York at some point, including myself.

After returning home (FINALLY), we were hit with pathology reports. Now I fucking hate pathology reports. I am sure they need a better name and I am sure I have several but I will spare you my vulgar language. Or at least I will try. So we were thrown by the findings of cancer but assured that since I was gutted, there can't possible be anything left in this body that can kill me. But of course you have to go through the steps. PET scans and blood work. All things I know all to well and dread. Now for years my numbers have not been good but pinpointing where it was all coming from was close to impossible. So docs would treat me the best they could and I am sure that is one of the reasons I am still alive today (at least that is what I am telling myself). So going into all these fun test after not only having my body put through the fucking ringer but my emotions even more, was not easy. We (I should say I) waited not so patiently for the results. And they take to fucking long if you ask me. =) Trust me this is me being tame with the language!

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...……
The doctor calls and for the first time my numbers are normal and my scans are clear! WTF! OMG! Officially in remission. I will be honest, I didn't know how to respond. I wasn't expecting it for sure. This has been my life for so long that I don't really know any different. But this was a moment that of course made me cry (because I am pretty sure they fucked with my hormones when they were digging around in there cause there are a ton of tears) but also made me feel a sense of relief I didn't know existed. It is a moment you wait for your entire life but don't think it will happen because if you do, you are crushed every time it doesn't go your way. And I have been crushed more times then any one person can handle in a lifetime. But I will take all the crushes for this moment.

This body and mind have a long way to go to recover. There is a new normal that my body is trying to adjust to. There are emotions I do not know how to process yet. And there is the mourning of a belly button. That's right! He took my belly button without telling me! WTF! LOL! I just had to throw that in there. I am totally kidding that I am mad (well maybe a little).

There will be many blogs to come as I heal and process everything that has happen and what this new life holds for me. For today, I embrace everything. I have always lived life to the fullest and this has lit a fire under my ass in a way that should scare you all because if you thought I was crazy before, you aint seen nothing yet. This girl is living.

I thank each and every one of you who has helped me get through the last couple of months and who will continue to over the next few months. The prayers, kind words, texts, cards, meals, visits and thoughts have been overwhelming (in the best possible way). They have gotten us all through this and I know that Ryan and the kids greatly appreciate it too.

So today we celebrate! And tomorrow we celebrate! I think we should celebrate everyday because I have no idea what the future holds but today I know that everything I have been through over the years has brought me to this day and today I am Cancer FREE! So fucking celebrate peeps!