60 Miles in 3 days!!!!

I walked 60 Miles in 3 days and I have blisters and soreness to prove it! But it was soo worth it!!

It was a weekend filled with amazing weather, new friends, old friends that make you laugh til your ready to pee and tears that will never fully ever stop pouring from my eyes.

I had the pleasure of being able to carry the MYSELF flag at opening ceremonies and speak about why I walk. A moment that I will take with me for the rest of my life. Being able to get up on stage and say why I walk was the best way to start off 60 miles. There are so many amazing stories that you hear along the way so to be picked to tell mine is such an honor.

I am blessed to walk with the girls I have walked with for years and know that there is no way I would have ever finished without them by my side. The friendship that started with my first walk that has now turned into so much more then we ever knew possible. We laugh. We cry. We bitch like never before. We complain. But most of all we carry each other each step and I am forever grateful.

We walked through communities that came out and showed their support. Little booths set up with signs and treats for each walker that walked by. Kids with signs that would make you cry. Survivors cheering you on. Drinks that make you smile and maybe even make you a little tipsy. Volunteer police that just might make your heart beat a little faster.  

Once you finish walking for the day you get to enjoy the amenities of camp. And when I say camp I mean camp. Little pink tents and semi trailer showers. Outdoor living at its best. You get to sit and watch as others finish up there walking. The medical tent starts to fill up with people who have blisters like you can't even imagine. Five star restaurant food is served, ok not really but you are so hungry that it doesn't even matter what you are eating. 

A few people are honored enough to be able to get up and tell there story at the camp show. Stories that remind you exactly why we are walking and what we are fighting for. Stories that make you cry and will stay with you forever. Stories of surviving  and stories of loved ones lost. It takes courage to get up there in front of so many people and open your heart.  But there is nothing better then touching the lives of so many.

It is the last year in Chicago for this walk and that made it very sad for so many. Chicago is where it all started for me and to say goodbye to something that has truly saved my life is very hard. But the journey will continue and the fight will never stop. 

The last day is always the hardest. You are tired and sore. You are crabby, well maybe just me =). Your body has been tested like never before but you continue to walk every step because the finish line is in sight. My girls held my hands and got me to the end where my family was waiting to cheer us on and congratulate us on such a great accomplishment. We walked in strong and brave as the tears were hard to control.

Saying goodbye is never easy but being able to take those 3 days with me makes it just a little bit easier.

I thank my family for being there every step. Without you and your support this would not be possible. Seeing your face every day is what keeps me going.

I thank my donors who support me along this journey and continue to believe in me.

I thank my girls for holding my hand and wiping my tears. Without you I would still be walking=)!

Thank you for loving and supporting me.

The fight is not over and I will continue to fight for myself and each and everyone who is affected by this horrible disease. 

2 Weeks!!!!!

Why do I walk 60 miles in 3 days?

                  

There really is no way to fully describe what walking the Susan G Komen 3day means to me. Unless you have walked in the shoes of the thousands of men and women who walk every year you will never fully understand. But I am going to try my best to give you that feeling.

In 2 weeks I will walk my 5th Chicago 3day Breast Cancer Walk. I will walk with men and women who have had Breast Cancer, who have lost a loved one to breast cancer or who have a loved one going through Breast Cancer right now. 

I signed up for my first 3 day walk without having any full attachment to Breast Cancer. Having had cancer before in my life made me want to do something bold and life changing. I of course realized why I signed up for this particular walk 2 months after I signed up when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer at 28. Being completely blindsided by this diagnosis I had no choice but to fight. 

I walked my first 3day while undergoing treatment. My doctors had learned better then to fight with me and so they allowed me to walk. And thank God they did.  Without this walk, I honestly do no believe I would be here and as strong as I am.

The walk is life changing. No amount of drugs that was being poured into my body could heal me the way that walking these 60 miles did.

You are surrounded by a special group of people. People who help you look deep inside yourself and find the strength that has always been in there but that you needed help seeing.

I got to hear stories of such strength that you wanted nothing more then to fight. I got to hear stories that made me cry and made me want to only fight harder.

I met life long friends along the way. Friends who have wiped me tears and held my hand when I had no more strength to take another step. Friends who have walked for me when I couldn't. Friends who give me a reason to never give up.

I have gotten to tell my story and touch the lives of so many. I have gotten to be an inspiration to others and give others a reason to fight. If that is my cancer gift then it has all been worth it!

I have gotten to walk through communities that embrace you as their own. I have gotten to walk through cheering stations that have brought me to tears because of their dedication and love to support all of us. I have walked by the pictures of their loved ones who have lost their battle and of those fighting.  I have heard the gratitude of those not able to walk and have looked into their eyes. You can't help but gain strength from them and hopefully leave them some of your strength as well.

I have gotten to see my own family and friends support me in this journey. Near and far I know they are all with me every step and support me through this journey.

Cancer is not fair. Cancer has taken to much from me and too much from so many. Cancer has taken friends from me that have given me so much strength along the way. But their strength will live on as I(we) walk. Cancer may take away so much but it can not take away our will to fight. Cancer may eat away at our bodies but it does not eat away at our heart or our strength.

My body may get beaten up along the way and the pain may become unbearable at times but I know that I am surrounded by more strength then I ever knew possible. I know that if I fall along the way that I am not alone. That is something that Cancer can never take away!!

This will be a long and hard 60 miles for me this year but I know that every step I take it will make a difference.

I thank all of you who have supported me and continue to. Without you I would not be here!

14yrs ago......

14yrs ago my life changed forever.

Having a child at 19 and out of wedlock was not really in my plans. But nothing is really ever in my plans that comes my way.

But the greatest miracle in life was given to me and I am grateful every day.

I would never have planned to have kids this young but I wouldn't do it any other way either!

Ryan and I were early into our relationship when we had to hurry up and grow up. Having just had major cancer surgery the month before, we could never have expected what was coming our way.
The doctors made it as clear as they could that I would never be able to have kids. Having one ovary that was dead from all the radiation and a stomach that couldn't stretch enough to carry a child made it a pretty impossible task. But impossible task are what I know best.

When I found out I was pregnant, I went through a million emotions. Happiness filled with more fear then I have ever felt before . Panicked and calm at the same time. Terrified to tell Ryan but also couldn't wait to tell him.

Once the shock of it wore off in both of us and we had to make some big decisions quick. I was living in an apartment. Ryan was supposed to leave for Africa in a month and be there for 5 months of school. Doctor appointments needed to be made. Family needed to be told. It was a whirl wind of events.

The first doctors appointment came and with it came more complication then we would imagine. With my health circumstances, it was going to be a very high risk pregnancy and the outcome was not completely in our favor. Because my stomach does not stretch, carrying a child full term would be pretty much impossible. Cameron's life as well as mine was at risk. So specialist and lots of doctors appointments  set up we began this journey.

We would not have made it through any of this without our families. I moved in with Ryans family and they took care of me while Ryan went off to Africa(another blog will have to explain that=)). We had support from both of our families which only taught us more how important family is. Not everyone thought we were making the right decision but we knew in our hearts that this was the best decision.

It didn't take long for pregnancy to start kicking my butt! Morning sickness became all day sickness. Weight gain became too much weight loss. Dehydration lands your butt in a hospital. Contractions began at 16 weeks and more medication that I knew existed was given to me to keep that little baby inside me as long as I could.

18 visits and countless nights in the hospital later, Cameron Hope Dowd was born at 29 weeks. In an emergency c-section that I was knocked out for, tiny 4 pound Cameron arrived. The tinniest baby that I had ever seen and the most beautiful baby in the world. When you have a baby that early you don't really know what to expect. He had tubes coming out of him and was in an incubator but he still was the strongest little guy. He literally fit in the palm of Ryan's hands.

I always wondered how you could love someone that much that quick. But it was instant. It was a forever bond that can't even really be explained in words. What you have lived without your entire life, you now can not live without.

We took that tiny 4lb baby home and never looked back. It seems like yesterday that I was changing diapers and trying to get him to just drink 2 ounces of milk. Now I can't keep enough food in the house to keep him fed.

Cameron has grown into a handsome young man. And even though there are days that I wish he couldn't talk or that I could strap him into a bouncy seat and plug him with a pacifier, I wouldn't change a thing. He has taught me so much about myself because we learned together and grew up together. He is me in so many ways that I don't necessarily like to admit. But I could not be more proud of the son we have raised and the young man he is growing up to be.

I hope one day he will understand it all and realize that he is a miracle. We saved each others lives!

Being tested!

I haven't posted any blogs lately.  A friend mentioned my blog to me yesterday and so I thought maybe it was time to write one.

I have had a dark cloud over myself the past few weeks so I was trying to not rain on everyone else. But I am hoping the clouds are parting and that the sun is peaking through. At least its trying. 

The past few weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life. I have been tested in more ways then I knew possible. Our family moved from Illinios to Virginia.

Ryan will be starting his own nonprofit and it was key to be near DC in order to make it work. But until his replacement is found and his nonprofit is up and running, he is living in Illinios while the kids and I are in Virginia. 

Our house sold very quickly and we needed to be out of the house sooner then we would have liked. Blessing in disguise is what I keep saying. It's great that it sold but a little more time would have been nice. We needed to move quick and we had many decisions to make. First was where we would live. 

We didn't want to move twice and wanted the kids to get adjusted as soon as they could. So we decided to move to virginia while Ryan finished up there. A decision that I still struggle with everyday. 

When you are in the hustle and bustle of packing up your house that you lived in for the past 8 yrs and trying to find a new one, you are blinded by reality in a way. You are so busy with everything that needs to be done that you don't really have time to feel in your heart what is happening. But then when all the boxes are finally unpacked and you have a second to breathe, you are left with the reality of being in a new state, alone with your kids , living apart from your husband. 

When you are making a decision like this you go through every scenerio in your head you can think of. You try and look at everything that could wrong  but at the same time you don't live with the "what ifs". If I lived my life in the " what ifs" I would never live. So you convince yourself to jump off the cliff and enjoy the adventure that is ahead of you. 

Of course things never really go as you plan. Where would the fun be in that. 

Now I know I am a strong person. I have had to be in my life. I don't run from fear. I jump in without a life vest and hope that I can swim to shore. There have been times in the past few weeks that I have felt that I am drowning and there is no coming up for air. But something pulls me up to the surface and makes me keep swimming. My kids have definetly been my life raft. Even though at times I know they have probably wanted to dunk me they have not given up on me.

Nothing is harder then seeing your children struggle. You can do anything you want to me. I may not like it and I may hurt but I will survive. But you are not allowed to touch my children. Seeing them go through this process has been the hardest apart. And since its all on me because Ryan is there and I am here, there is no time to for a break. When they have a bad day it's on me to make it better and when I can't, it's heart breaking. 

On the plus side of that, we have learned to lean on each other in a way I didn't know possible. It may not always be said in words but it is by actions. I hope that some day they will realize what this time with them meant to me. Without them, I do not think I would be surviving this.

My marriage is being tested too. Ryan and I have a relationship that has seen many ups and many downs. We have conquered life together when we didn't think it would be possible. We have been apart before but not since I was pregnant with Cameron have we lived apart this long. We are trying to hold onto each other the best we can but I will admit its been hard. He can only do so much from there for me and I am pretty drained from being on my own that there is not much left at the end of the day. It's not the best situation but if there is one thing we do know for sure its that the love we have for each other can get us through anything!

We have left behind so many important people who have been apart of our life and have gotten us through so much of our lives. It has been hard to not have the people who have supported me and held my hand so close to me but I do feel so much love and support from a distance.

I have never been one to take the easy road so I guess why would I start now. I am not 100% sure what the future holds but I do know that one day we will all look back at this time and smile about our crazy adventure and how amazing it was........ At least thats my hope!

I AM.....

"I'd rather be hated for who I am , than loved for who I am not"... (Kurt Cobain)

I am a puzzle. Maybe that is why doing puzzles is so therapeutic to me. Many different pieces make me who I am!

I am a Mother! I may not win mother of the year award, but being a mom is my most precious gift. I have been blessed to be able to stay home with my kids from the beginning. I may have more wrinkles and more grey hairs because I am a mom, but I would not have it any other way.

I am a Wife! Married 12 years this May, I have married a man that makes me believe in myself and makes me a better person. I am not an easy person to be married to. I will own that! I am high maintenance . I am stubborn. I fight for what I want. But in saying that I also love with very ounce of my heart. I am married to me best friend. "My Person".

I am a Daughter! A pain in the ass daughter! I have put my parents through hell and back. But I could not ask for better parents. They have supported me and held my hand when they could have let go and let me lose my way. They have taught me the meaning of family. As I get older, I work harder and harder to make them proud. It took me becoming a mom to fully understand some of the things they did but I am grateful for the fights because they never asked me to be someone I wasn't. They excepted me. With all my craziness. They let me make my mistakes and they didn't judge me for them.  I don't always make it easy but I do always love them.

I am a Sister! Far and near, I am a sister. I don't think you fully start to cherish your siblings until you get a little older. Growing up, you fight over stupid things and blame each other for what the other did. As you get older, you just want to be around them as much as you can. I will fight for them. I will not let others walk all over them and I will support them in any way I can. We are each our own person. All very different yet so alike because we are siblings. I can laugh with them and I can cry with them.

I am a Friend! You are either going to totally love me or totally hate me. But if you love me you know I am a loyal friend. I am loud and will open my mouth even when I am not supposed to. If you hate me, I still think you know its because I stand for what I believe and will not let anyone walk all over me or anyone that I love. I will be there every second i can and I will drop life for yours. My friends our not just friends but just extended family. I will hold your hand and wipe your tears . But I will also push you to be the person you want to be. I will walk with you on every path, near and far.

I am a Survivor! Being a survivor is such a big part of me that it gets its own paragraph. Its such a big part of where I am today. I have survived my share of obstacles and I will continue to survive. I have survived Cancer more times then I thought was even possible. I have survived lose that I thought would break me. I have survived the ups and downs of life!

I would not be any of these if not for all the support I have gotten over the years. And there were times when I wanted to run and I am sure everyone around me wanted to run too!
I have family that should get its own award for sticking with me. Family that I was born into and family that I have married into. But all the same in my eyes. They have been there ever step of the way and have held my hand each step along the way. I don't things easy all  the time but I am forever grateful.

I AM me. No one can take that away from me.

Life is to Short to not Walk!

“Live every day as if it were going to be your last; for one day you’re sure to be right.” –Harry Morant

I have pulled the short end of the stick one to many times in my life if you ask me. But I have tried to make the best out of what I have been given. I do not know what stick I will pull next, but short or long I intend to make the best out of what I have.

Life is filled with so much happiness and joy that to many people hold onto the bad and they forget about all that goodness. I am guilty of doing it too. Sometimes it takes something so bad to make me see it that I hate that I couldn't see it before. But I do try and I do believe that everything happens for a reason. 

I believe that so much good can come from something bad if you let it. I have seen it happen and believe that that is sometimes what keeps me going on a bad day. 

I think we take for granted that the mistakes we make today can be fixed tomorrow. Life is to short to leave words unsaid and to wait for someone else to fix them. Because today is something we know we have but we can never be sure of tomorrow.

I have struggled with Cancer for half of my life. Maybe that is my gift. My gift to make every day count because I do not know what tomorrow holds but I do know what I can do today. I can fight. I can fight for me. I can fight for everyone who doesn't have a voice. I can fight the those who we have lost.

A few days ago I learned that a friend that had comforted me through my first speech at Susan G Komen lost her battle to Breast Cancer. It hits close to home not only because she was someone I admired and loved but because she was 29yrs old. I was 28 when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and it hits a little to close to home.

I took a few years off from walking the Susan G Komen 3 day but have decided that this year I will again! I have many fears as I go into this journey again.  60 miles in 3 days can do a number on your body and since my body is never up to par I fear that I will not be able to finish. And since anyone who knows me knows that I finish what I start because I am to damn stubborn to do anything but finish.
But I fear more not trying then I fear anything else. I have a support team that I hope that everyone has. And if you don't , call me and I will be your support.  I have my girls who hold my hand and wipe my tears. I have the holes in my heart of everyone who has lost this horrible battle. And I know with each step, it will not bring them back but it will fill the holes in my heart with their spirit and their fight to end this once and for all.

Being a Mom!

Being a stay at home mom is the hardest job there is!!

But before I say anything else, it is the most rewarding job there is too. There is nothing else I would rather be doing. No amount of money would take me away from being home with my kids.

Now I am  blessed in so many ways. I know to many mothers who struggle with not being able to stay home with here kids. I do not ever take that for granted. There might be days where I want to pull all my hair out and chug a bottle of wine, but at the end of the day I still always feel lucky that I am home.

I struggle many days with what I think being a good mom is. There are days I know I don't meet the good mom criteria that I have set in my head. There is only one of me and sometimes I need about 100 of me to really get it all done and really be there for each one of my kids. And still have enough left for when my husband walks in the door.

As my kids get older I feel like there are times they need me more then when they were babies. Then there are the times when I feel like they don't need me at all and I get sad because I feel like they are growing up too fast. It's  a juggling act. Having one teenager  who is turning into a young independent man and one 9 yr old who I still consider my baby girl is a hard to juggle. But of course loved the same.

I beat myself up a lot even being a stay at home mom that I don't give enough to my kids. I don't mean things or objects, I mean that I don't give them enough of myself because there is always something else going on at the same time. We always say in this house " there is never a dull moment"!

When the kids were babies I used to love when they would get sick because all they would want to do is cuddle with me all day on the couch and not leave my side. I never enjoyed the sickness part but the feeling of being needed was something that filled my heart.

Hailey just had surgery again on her leg again. This time around I am trying to look at all the good things that can come from this. The time I can have with her. The talks, the tears and even the laughs are things we will forever remember. I am trying to stretch myself as far as I can as a mom and still be there for Cameron at the same time. It's always harder when one child needs you more then the other. You don't want your other child to ever feel less important. I am trying to make sure he knows I am still here and that his needs are just as important.

As I juggle being a wife, selling our house, taking care of my health and trying to be a good mom all at the same time, I hope that at the end of the day I still take the time to reflect on how blessed and lucky I am!