For one week...

"Enjoy life today,

Yesterday is gone 

& Tomorrow may never come".

For one week I was Krissie. Not cancer girl. 

It's crazy how quickly reality sets in when you take a break from it.  Now that is no reason to not take a break from it all but it can sure hit you pretty hard when you get back.

This past week, Ryan and I spent a week in Mexico together. It's hard to believe we have been together for 20 years. We have faced more together in 20 years then most people experience in a lifetime. So we definitely thought it was something to celebrate. I think it is very important to celebrate those milestones in life. And what Ryan (or I to be honest) didn't know was that this gave me a week not only to spend with him but also to just be me. 

As I sat in my doctors office this morning, I was missing the feel of the sun on my face. Not just because it was warm and sunny (unlike this place) but because for one week I let all the worry, stress and fear alone. I seemed to have left it in my doctors office and it was ever so nicely waiting for me when I got back. But that's ok because I know I can not escape from my life. I can not escape from cancer. But I can take a break from it. I can hit the pause button for a little while and just be in the moment. And what I have learned from that is that that truly can be the best medicine there is. No one person can keep their shit together all the time. You can't only climb up the mountain. You have to give yourself a break and time to recover because that next mountain might be even steeper then that last and you have to have the strength to keep going. Taking a break is something that took me a very long time to learn. I pretty much thought I was super woman(which I am most of the time) but what I really realized was that I had even more special powers when I gave myself a break.

So as I laid in the MRI machine listening to the loud noises and clicks(if you have ever had one you know what I mean) and tried to imagine myself back on the beach with a nice cocktail in my hand instead of an IV in my arm. But my mind wasn't having it and instead was filled with the fear of the unknown. Now I believe I do a pretty good job of trying not to worry until I have to but sometimes that can be hard. Especially when you are in one of those damn machines. But this is my life. The fear of the unknown or even worse sometimes the known is part of my life and that is never going to change. I will never have a life of no worry. I will never have a life of no fear. The rug will be pulled out from under me again and most likely not just once. But that is ok! Because I am here. I am here fighting every single day and making the most out of it. I have no other choice. But letting myself take a break from it all gives me the strength to keep going and smile through it all.

Everyone needs a break from life at times. It is how we all survive. Maybe its a bath(which I don't care for). Maybe its a long walk or run. Maybe its drinking the entire bottle of wine (which feels great in the moment but not so much the next morning). Maybe its a weekend away with your friends. Maybe its just shutting out the world and being in the moment of what is right in front you. Whatever it is, TAKE IT! Do not feel guilty. I have beaten myself up for years with guilt of taking time for myself. I have spent so much time in hospitals, doctors offices, sick in bed or too weak to do anything that I didn't think I deserved to take that time to myself because I was taking so much other time being sick. But what I realized was that I was a better mom, wife and human being when I took that time to reboot.

So I sit here, ready to take on the world again.  Making plans and living life. This world can be an awful place sometimes and it can seem so unfair and fucking scary as hell but we must choose to live. We must choose to fight. We must choose to love. And we must choose to never lose hope. I have never lost hope. Through all these years, hope has been with me every step of the way. And I don't plan on losing it. I plan on spreading it!

I'll hold my head high
I'll never let this define
The light in my eyes
Love myself, give it hell
I'll take on this world
Yes, I'll stand and be strong
No I'll never give up
I will conquer with love
And I'll fight like a girl