New York...

At the end of the day,

All you need is hope and strength.

Hope that it will get better, and

strength to hold on until it does.

I have never been to New York before. I always thought about how much fun it would be to go and see all the sites like Time Square and Grant Park. Maybe see a show and a few celebrities. Be a complete tourist if you know what I mean=). But instead my first time in New York was flying in in the morning and back out that night. Not exactly the experience I was looking for.

I will be honest with you. This is a blog that has been hard for me to sit down and write. The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions and physical pain. Something we didn't see coming and something that has tested my strength in ways I didn't know possible. I feel beaten down and broken but I am surrounded by some amazing friends and family who are helping me become whole again. Something I am forever grateful.

After a couple of days in the hospital with some pretty bad abdominal pain and numerous test, they discovered that it was time to remove the mesh that they put into my abdomen when I was 15. Seems as the thing that saved my life 20 years ago is the exact thing that is trying to kill me now. Funny not funny but lets attempt to see the humor in that =)! Anyways... after 20 plus years in this body, dozens of surgeries with lots of scar tissue, a new found hernia that is causing all sorts of problems and having nothing between my skin and intestines, my risk of infection has grown a little high. Throw in some abnormal tissue that they are trying to rule out re occurrence of sarcoma and I think we got ourselves one hell of a surgery coming. 

Now you would think that was enough! But I have never done anything the easy way so why on earth would I try and do it now. Because of the extensiveness of the surgery and my history, this surgery is something that we have been told could not be done. They would tell me it would be like opening Pandora's Box. Now I don't know about you but when an experienced surgeon is telling you they wont touch you and comparing you to Pandora's Box you definitely don't try and figure something out. But when the risks start to outweigh everything else, you jump into the fire and start fighting like hell.

I am lucky enough that there are 3 specialist in the US who have spent their careers making this type of surgery possible. After exhausting ever option we have been given , we have found our guy at Columbia University Medical Center. Thus my recent trip to New York. For that hour and a half that I spent with him, I was at ease. Nothing else mattered. There is a great comfort when you have a doctor you trust. And this is obviously a trust that I am putting my life on.

So as we wait for our insurance to stop being a fucker, we try to save our strength for what is to come. We try and not let the pain, fear and the unknown get us down. And I admit that has been hard but I am trying to get back up and get ready for one serious fight. 

We will do our best to keep everyone posted as we know more information. We do not have a surgery date yet but it is coming and when we have it, we will pass it along.

We all know I hate asking for help... And I mean hate! But I may need a little extra pick me up or a few cosmos to get me through the next couple of weeks. So please keep not only me, but my amazing family and friends in your thoughts and prayers. This is something that can not be done alone and I know how hard this must be for all of them but it is something I couldn't do without all of you!

So.... as I wipe a tear from my eye, I thank each and every one of you for your love and support! 

AND I kind of think I should get a really New York trip out of this. And NO Ryan Dowd, a couple of weeks in a hospital does not count! =)..