Goodbye 2018

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.

So, love the people who treat you right 

and forget about the ones who don't.

And Believe

that everything happens for a reason...

if you get a chance- take it;

if it changes your life- let it.

Nobody said that it would be easy...

They promise it would be worth it."

As 2018 comes to an end, I sit back and reflect on the many ups and downs that the year brought and I look to what 2019 has in store for us all.

Now I try and not hold onto to bad things that happen. And I do not want the bad to ever take over all the good that has happen this past year. But 2018 was a challenging year to say the least and a year that tested me in more ways than one. It is a year that pushed me to the edge and dangled me over the cliff. BUT it is also a year that showed me that I still have the strength to fight and it is a strength that can never be taken away from me.

I am beyond blessed in many ways. I have 2 beautiful children who have blossomed this past year in a way I always dreamt of for them. I have an amazing husband who amazes me every day by his dedication and strength. I have a wonderful family who has been there through thick and thin and shown me that we can do anything together. I have fantastic friends who are always allow me to be me and can make me smile even when I don't want to. I have home that is warm, welcoming and always filled with love(despite any mess that might be there too). What more can a person ask for right?!

Well, because I don't ever believe enough is enough, I want more! Now I am not talking about things you can buy at a store or a trip that can be taken. I am not talking about a bigger house or a nicer car. I am not even talking about money. What I want is more valuable and more important than all of that! I want more HOPE!

My life has not been your typical fairy tale. But who the hell loves a traditional story. I would much rather live on the edge of life(maybe not so close to the edge this year) and not have one single regret.

Cancer FUCKING SUCKS! No easy, nice or polite way to say it. There is not good kind. Cancer is Cancer and it all FUCKING sucks. It is something that every single person in some which way has dealt with. It may not be you personally, but there is no one that doesn't have someone they know and love who has not had cancer. That is something that truly breaks my heart. Having dealt with this for 20 plus years now, I wish I could wave my magic wand and have no one else in the world experience what I and those closest to me have gone through. But since that is not possible I am going to wave something else. HOPE!

There are only a handful of times that I lost hope while fighting cancer and I will tell you that losing hope was far more scarier to me then the chance of losing my life. And I am a pretty fucking positive ray of sunshine so when I lose hope I am pretty sure the world is coming to and end. So fear not, the world is not coming to and end and if you are reading this right now and are in need of a little hope, I got you! Hope is coming your way.

Life is this incredible journey. It will take you on your highest high and it will take you to the lowest of lows. But it is so worth it. I believe in order to get to the high points in life, you have to go through some hard shit. Now do I think maybe we could stop adding tally marks to the cancer card I am carrying but I am not complaining. Because I am here. And my struggles, my cancers, have brought me to a place where I want every single person to get to. A place where there is always hope.

I promise you, it is going to seem impossible at times. It is going to feel like it doesn't even matter if you have hope or you don't. But I promise you, it is so worth it. There will be days that feel like you can't go on any further. But there is hope that tomorrow will be better. There will be days that you cry yourself to sleep. But there is hope that tomorrow will bring less tears and more smiles. There will be days that you lose hope. But if there is anything I have learned in this life, it is that hope never leaves and hope is always there.

I see hope in my children's eyes. I see hope in a sick friend. I see hope in m husbands passion. I see hope in the mirror. AND I SEE HOPE IN YOU!

Make 2019 the year that we spread HOPE because if you ask me, this world could use a lot more of it.

Thank you to each and every one of you that has helped me get to this day. I would not only not be alive today but I would also not be the person I am today without each and every one of you.

Love you all and remember to smile today!

New Normal...

"Live life for the moment because everything else is uncertain!"

I have spent the last couple of months finding what we like to call "the new normal". It hasn't been easy but I think we are all adjusting to the new normal and not complaining about it one bit. (well mostly).

When you come out of something as traumatic as what we went through, your entire view on life changes. And I must say that I have always had a pretty "live life to fullest" attitude due to 20 years of cancer, but I will admit that I have come out of this looking at life in a different way.

This surgery came with a risk that I don't think any of us were prepared for. Not that every surgery doesn't come with some type of risk but this one in particular came with a risk of death. So much so that Ryan and I had to have "the talk". And "the talk" was not about sex I can tell you that. =) It was more about quality of life and what we both felt comfortable with. Not that there is anything comfortable about asking your husband to pull the plug if things turn in a direction that doesn't look so good. A horrible and shitty conversation to have and one that I am actually shocked we have never had before but it is a conversation that neither one of us really thought we had to have. I am sure we both had the conversation in our own heads and had thoughts about it but never was there a conversation between us like that before. And I will tell you that we both walked away from that conversation emotionally exhausted. But we had to prepare ourselves for what could happen to the best we could. And I will admit we came out of not only that conversation but this entire ordeal stronger then ever.

I remember waking up after surgery (YEH) and having a wave of emotion that was so amazing that it is even hard to put into words. It was like a "I FUCKING MADE IT" emotion and it felt amazing. Now it didn't last long and the joy quickly turned into darkness in record time but for those few moments, I was filled with hope. A hope that I lost shortly after that due to complications that spiraled so quickly that instead of feeling hope for a new life, I felt a fear that I would not survive. That is a scary moment to have. A moment that is still extremely hard for me to talk but I know is so important to confront.

You see, when you start to believe you can not do something or you can not survive something, I believe that that is worse then your body failing. You have to believe you can beat something in order to win. If just your body is fighting (which mine was not doing either but that's not my point) and your mind and heart aren't, I do not believe you will win the battle. I was so emotionally tired and emotionally spent and so much was going wrong that my body just shut down. It gave up. I gave up. Thank God I had people around me that fought for me when I couldn't find the strength. And eventually, my strength started to come back. Slowly! Much slower then anyone of us liked but the fact that it was coming back was good enough for all of us.

My body has recovered to what I believe is the new normal and I am not complaining at all. It is so much better then what it was before that when I have discomfort and pain, I can't even complain about it because I will take it over what it was. My heart and mind are recovering as well. I believe that will take longer then the body for sure but that is ok. There is no time limit on recovery and I know in time the dark cloud that tried to take over my soul in May, will completely be filled in with sunshine.

So for now, I am living life. I am taking everything in. I am making memories and not living in fear. When we told our kids that cancer was found and that they got it all and that I was in remission, my son(19) asked "so does that mean it is gone forever?" and all we could tell him was that what we know today is that I am ok and that the cancer is gone. That there is no guarantee but that we are not going to live in fear. Instead we are going to take advantage of this amazing gift we have been given and live life to the fullest. It is all we can do. Now it's not to say that I don't have fear, believe me I do but that is an entirely different blog=), but I will not let the fear take over my hope. A hope that when I lost it was the worst feeling ever and something I never want to feel again. A hope that pulled through for me, even when I lost it. I believe in the power of hope. I struggle with many beliefs but hope is something I will forever believe in and hold onto.

So in a world where I truly believe we all need a little hope, I share mine with each and everyone of you. I have to believe that all I have been through is for a reason. I have to believe that me sharing my strength and my weaknesses will help someone who is struggling right now. This is not an easy battle. It can feel fucking impossible at times but it can also be rewarding. And if you need me to give you hope, I am always here to share it with you.

I thank each and everyone who has helped heal not only my body but my heart and soul over these past few months. Thank you for treating me as Krissie and not "cancer girl'. Thank you for making me smile through the tears. Holding my hand to make me feel loved. Being patient with me as I find the new normal and thank you for giving me the strength to never give up.

Smile today..... because I am sending you all hope and strength! 

Remission

"One of the greatest feelings is 

accomplishing something that

 you once thought was impossible."

Life has taken us on quite the ride these past 6 weeks but I am glad to say that I believe we have sunny days coming our way again.

As most of you know, I had surgery in New York on May 10th and everything went great. Well with the surgery that is. Recovery was a different story. Apparently breathing is essential for recovery but I can definitely say my body did not get that memo on that one. But I am going to attempt to not let the trauma of recovery take over and enjoy the fact that I am here today and getting stronger everyday!

This was by far the hardest surgery and recovery I have ever been through in my life. And this body has seen its share of just about everything (at least it feels like it has). I have been gutted, cut from top to bottom and side to side, had most body parts that you don't need (and some you do) removed and have been glued, meshed and stitched back together. Not sure how this body is still functioning but it is.

This surgery came with it's own set of risks as does every surgery but this one came with a few that we had not experienced before. Ryan and I had to have conversations before the surgery that no husband and wife should ever have to have. Things I am unable to talk about because my body is definitely healing faster then my emotions. But I am sure you know exactly what those hard talks were about. We had them, moved on and we both try to pretend that those conversations never happen. Which I truly believe is the healthiest way to deal with that =).

Recovery came with some challenges but we all faced them together. I had a team of doctors and nurses that were like nothing I had ever seen before. With every complication came an expertise that I can truly say saved my life. I had around the clock care from family and friends the entire time I was in the hospital. I know it was not easy and it came with things that no one expected but they were champs and I am only here today because they were there. I am pretty sure I owe everyone a real trip to New York at some point, including myself.

After returning home (FINALLY), we were hit with pathology reports. Now I fucking hate pathology reports. I am sure they need a better name and I am sure I have several but I will spare you my vulgar language. Or at least I will try. So we were thrown by the findings of cancer but assured that since I was gutted, there can't possible be anything left in this body that can kill me. But of course you have to go through the steps. PET scans and blood work. All things I know all to well and dread. Now for years my numbers have not been good but pinpointing where it was all coming from was close to impossible. So docs would treat me the best they could and I am sure that is one of the reasons I am still alive today (at least that is what I am telling myself). So going into all these fun test after not only having my body put through the fucking ringer but my emotions even more, was not easy. We (I should say I) waited not so patiently for the results. And they take to fucking long if you ask me. =) Trust me this is me being tame with the language!

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...……
The doctor calls and for the first time my numbers are normal and my scans are clear! WTF! OMG! Officially in remission. I will be honest, I didn't know how to respond. I wasn't expecting it for sure. This has been my life for so long that I don't really know any different. But this was a moment that of course made me cry (because I am pretty sure they fucked with my hormones when they were digging around in there cause there are a ton of tears) but also made me feel a sense of relief I didn't know existed. It is a moment you wait for your entire life but don't think it will happen because if you do, you are crushed every time it doesn't go your way. And I have been crushed more times then any one person can handle in a lifetime. But I will take all the crushes for this moment.

This body and mind have a long way to go to recover. There is a new normal that my body is trying to adjust to. There are emotions I do not know how to process yet. And there is the mourning of a belly button. That's right! He took my belly button without telling me! WTF! LOL! I just had to throw that in there. I am totally kidding that I am mad (well maybe a little).

There will be many blogs to come as I heal and process everything that has happen and what this new life holds for me. For today, I embrace everything. I have always lived life to the fullest and this has lit a fire under my ass in a way that should scare you all because if you thought I was crazy before, you aint seen nothing yet. This girl is living.

I thank each and every one of you who has helped me get through the last couple of months and who will continue to over the next few months. The prayers, kind words, texts, cards, meals, visits and thoughts have been overwhelming (in the best possible way). They have gotten us all through this and I know that Ryan and the kids greatly appreciate it too.

So today we celebrate! And tomorrow we celebrate! I think we should celebrate everyday because I have no idea what the future holds but today I know that everything I have been through over the years has brought me to this day and today I am Cancer FREE! So fucking celebrate peeps!

Update time

"The task ahead of you

is never greater

than the strength

within you."

I wanted to take the time to update you all on everything that has been going on and what is to come.

I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone who has reached out to us in the last few weeks. I can honestly say that without each and every one of you, I would not even have the strength to write this blog.

So after what seemed to be an endless fight with the insurance company, we have been approved for surgery with the specialist in New York. I honestly had no idea that getting your insurance to approve a surgeon ,who is 1 of 3 surgeons in the US that can perform this surgery with a good outcome, could be this hard. But after jumping through all their hoops and seeing countless doctors here who could not perform this surgery, New York here we come.

May 10th is the big day! Ryan and I will fly out the day before and be out there for a couple of weeks. With having to fight so much with the insurance, I didn't really have time to think or worry about the surgery itself. But Ryan told me not to worry, that time would come. And here it is.

Having to plan for a difficult surgery is hard all by itself. I know, I have done many before. But having to plan for a surgery that is 835 miles from home, is even harder. Now I am beyond grateful that I am able to go to New York with one of the top surgeons in the US so believe me I am not complaining, but it does have its challenges.

We will be leaving our kids at home the first week which is beyond hard so please keep them in your prayers. I know this is not easy for them and we all try to put on our brave faces but needless to say I know this is hard. But their beautiful faces will come out to see me the second week with my sister and for that I am grateful. So if you see them just make sure to give them a little extra love for me.

I have managed to make every reservation for housing, get flights arranged and schedule around the clock care from family and friends. I am beyond overwhelmed with love with everyone willing to come out and help. I know this is definitely hard on everyone and the love and support from near and far are greatly appreciated. And to my amazing husband who has taken an enormous amount of stress off of me, thank you! I truly love you!

The last few weeks have been very hard. With not feeling well and much of my energy taken up with planning, it has not been easy but somehow, every time I feel like I can't go any further, one of you reaches out and gets me through. So Thank You! 

So I ask that you keep us all in your prayers and send a little extra love and strength to us too.

Thank you again for always being there!

New York...

At the end of the day,

All you need is hope and strength.

Hope that it will get better, and

strength to hold on until it does.

I have never been to New York before. I always thought about how much fun it would be to go and see all the sites like Time Square and Grant Park. Maybe see a show and a few celebrities. Be a complete tourist if you know what I mean=). But instead my first time in New York was flying in in the morning and back out that night. Not exactly the experience I was looking for.

I will be honest with you. This is a blog that has been hard for me to sit down and write. The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions and physical pain. Something we didn't see coming and something that has tested my strength in ways I didn't know possible. I feel beaten down and broken but I am surrounded by some amazing friends and family who are helping me become whole again. Something I am forever grateful.

After a couple of days in the hospital with some pretty bad abdominal pain and numerous test, they discovered that it was time to remove the mesh that they put into my abdomen when I was 15. Seems as the thing that saved my life 20 years ago is the exact thing that is trying to kill me now. Funny not funny but lets attempt to see the humor in that =)! Anyways... after 20 plus years in this body, dozens of surgeries with lots of scar tissue, a new found hernia that is causing all sorts of problems and having nothing between my skin and intestines, my risk of infection has grown a little high. Throw in some abnormal tissue that they are trying to rule out re occurrence of sarcoma and I think we got ourselves one hell of a surgery coming. 

Now you would think that was enough! But I have never done anything the easy way so why on earth would I try and do it now. Because of the extensiveness of the surgery and my history, this surgery is something that we have been told could not be done. They would tell me it would be like opening Pandora's Box. Now I don't know about you but when an experienced surgeon is telling you they wont touch you and comparing you to Pandora's Box you definitely don't try and figure something out. But when the risks start to outweigh everything else, you jump into the fire and start fighting like hell.

I am lucky enough that there are 3 specialist in the US who have spent their careers making this type of surgery possible. After exhausting ever option we have been given , we have found our guy at Columbia University Medical Center. Thus my recent trip to New York. For that hour and a half that I spent with him, I was at ease. Nothing else mattered. There is a great comfort when you have a doctor you trust. And this is obviously a trust that I am putting my life on.

So as we wait for our insurance to stop being a fucker, we try to save our strength for what is to come. We try and not let the pain, fear and the unknown get us down. And I admit that has been hard but I am trying to get back up and get ready for one serious fight. 

We will do our best to keep everyone posted as we know more information. We do not have a surgery date yet but it is coming and when we have it, we will pass it along.

We all know I hate asking for help... And I mean hate! But I may need a little extra pick me up or a few cosmos to get me through the next couple of weeks. So please keep not only me, but my amazing family and friends in your thoughts and prayers. This is something that can not be done alone and I know how hard this must be for all of them but it is something I couldn't do without all of you!

So.... as I wipe a tear from my eye, I thank each and every one of you for your love and support! 

AND I kind of think I should get a really New York trip out of this. And NO Ryan Dowd, a couple of weeks in a hospital does not count! =)..

For one week...

"Enjoy life today,

Yesterday is gone 

& Tomorrow may never come".

For one week I was Krissie. Not cancer girl. 

It's crazy how quickly reality sets in when you take a break from it.  Now that is no reason to not take a break from it all but it can sure hit you pretty hard when you get back.

This past week, Ryan and I spent a week in Mexico together. It's hard to believe we have been together for 20 years. We have faced more together in 20 years then most people experience in a lifetime. So we definitely thought it was something to celebrate. I think it is very important to celebrate those milestones in life. And what Ryan (or I to be honest) didn't know was that this gave me a week not only to spend with him but also to just be me. 

As I sat in my doctors office this morning, I was missing the feel of the sun on my face. Not just because it was warm and sunny (unlike this place) but because for one week I let all the worry, stress and fear alone. I seemed to have left it in my doctors office and it was ever so nicely waiting for me when I got back. But that's ok because I know I can not escape from my life. I can not escape from cancer. But I can take a break from it. I can hit the pause button for a little while and just be in the moment. And what I have learned from that is that that truly can be the best medicine there is. No one person can keep their shit together all the time. You can't only climb up the mountain. You have to give yourself a break and time to recover because that next mountain might be even steeper then that last and you have to have the strength to keep going. Taking a break is something that took me a very long time to learn. I pretty much thought I was super woman(which I am most of the time) but what I really realized was that I had even more special powers when I gave myself a break.

So as I laid in the MRI machine listening to the loud noises and clicks(if you have ever had one you know what I mean) and tried to imagine myself back on the beach with a nice cocktail in my hand instead of an IV in my arm. But my mind wasn't having it and instead was filled with the fear of the unknown. Now I believe I do a pretty good job of trying not to worry until I have to but sometimes that can be hard. Especially when you are in one of those damn machines. But this is my life. The fear of the unknown or even worse sometimes the known is part of my life and that is never going to change. I will never have a life of no worry. I will never have a life of no fear. The rug will be pulled out from under me again and most likely not just once. But that is ok! Because I am here. I am here fighting every single day and making the most out of it. I have no other choice. But letting myself take a break from it all gives me the strength to keep going and smile through it all.

Everyone needs a break from life at times. It is how we all survive. Maybe its a bath(which I don't care for). Maybe its a long walk or run. Maybe its drinking the entire bottle of wine (which feels great in the moment but not so much the next morning). Maybe its a weekend away with your friends. Maybe its just shutting out the world and being in the moment of what is right in front you. Whatever it is, TAKE IT! Do not feel guilty. I have beaten myself up for years with guilt of taking time for myself. I have spent so much time in hospitals, doctors offices, sick in bed or too weak to do anything that I didn't think I deserved to take that time to myself because I was taking so much other time being sick. But what I realized was that I was a better mom, wife and human being when I took that time to reboot.

So I sit here, ready to take on the world again.  Making plans and living life. This world can be an awful place sometimes and it can seem so unfair and fucking scary as hell but we must choose to live. We must choose to fight. We must choose to love. And we must choose to never lose hope. I have never lost hope. Through all these years, hope has been with me every step of the way. And I don't plan on losing it. I plan on spreading it!

I'll hold my head high
I'll never let this define
The light in my eyes
Love myself, give it hell
I'll take on this world
Yes, I'll stand and be strong
No I'll never give up
I will conquer with love
And I'll fight like a girl