Obstacles!!!

Everyone has their own obstacles. 

I have had my share of obstacles and feel that they have shaped who I am today!!

I have had no harder obstacle in my life then the past 4 weeks! I have also never been as proud as I have in the last 4 weeks!

When something happens to your child, you will do anything and everything to make it better. You will move mountains if you have to. 

I have learned that I have raised a daughter like her mother!! She is strong and stubborn all in one. She will give her all and she will fall apart. I believe that she is much stronger then I could ever be.

I do not know if I have done everything right over the past 4 weeks! I realized that watching Hailey go through this obstacle has broken me in a way I never thought possible. Maybe its watching your child suffer. I feel that I have a small idea of what my parents went through when I was sick at 15. Except this was only a broken leg. 

I keep telling myself "this is only a broken leg" .. But I can't seem to move on. I try and I feel like I fall right back down. I feel like I have done the best that I can and have given it my all. I hope that Hailey sees it someday. 

It's something that makes your world stop spinning but not the world around you. And that can be hard to sit back and watch. 

Hailey has come so very far. Her smile is back and she is itching to get out and do more. She is healing the way she is supposed to. It will be a little longer recovery then we had thought but at least its healing! 4 more weeks of staying off the leg. Only 4 more.. Seems like a lifetime!!

Its crazy to think how something like a broken leg can shake up your life. Your family! Your marriage!! 

I believe that things do happen for a reason and I do believe that something amazing will come out of this. I treasure the time I have had with Hailey these past weeks. I hate that it has taken me away from my son and my husband but I believe that the moments Hailey and I had will make up for those lost by others. 

The kids start school tomorrow and I am TERRIFIED!!! I will have to let go and trust that everything I have done the last 4 weeks will give strength to Hailey. I will have to trust that Cameron knows I am always here even if I am occupied with something else. 

I hope that the obstacles I face today will make me stronger and more equipped to face the obstacles yet still to come!!!

A Good Day!!!

Life has pretty much been on hold since Hailey broke her leg. Trying to make this as easy as we can for her! But eventually life catches up with you..

After 3 weeks of cancelling doctors appointments and a very nice lecture from my doctor about taking my own life serious, I went to the doctor Tuesday morning. I was supposed to go the week Hailey broke her leg but I of course cancelled that =)

As I was getting ready to go in the morning, I became nervous of how this appointment would go. Its been 3 weeks since I was supposed to be there. I was just getting Hailey up and around more. And I was thinking that as soon as Hailey is better I am going to be the one down.

So away I went with a nice Starbucks in my hand....

I had no idea how the next hour would change my life. At least the next few months.
I went into the room with a my pretend smile on my face as the nurse asked me the same hundred questions they always do. She tells me to get undressed from the waste up and I put the very ugly gown over me. Can't we come up with some fun gowns. At least pretty ones. I know when Hailey was in the hospital I thought the same thing. Someone must do something about this. Anyways!!!!

The doctor comes in and we do a little chit chat and away we go for the exam. We are discussing when we should schedule surgery and what it will entail. She says we should ultrasound the breast to see one more time what we are dealing with. Now the last time we did this the ultrasound found masses and polyps in my milk ducts. A not simple surgery to remove them was our plan. But as she started the ultrasound, there was nothing to be seen. We looked and looked , she pressed harder , we tried to find any little spec that would maybe be something we saw earlier. NOTHING!!! That's right not a damn thing in that boob except some dilated milk ducts. She even said that if I had all my parts that that just shows my boobs are ready to breast feed. But not uterus probably means no breast feeding. !!

We cried together as I kept asking when surgery would be then and she kept telling me there is no surgery. She hugged me and sent me on my way and said I will see you in 3 months just to make sure everything is still going good.  So I bounced out of there with a real smile on my face and told everyone to have a great day!!

When something like this happens, it makes me realize that life is such a gift. And that maybe things do really happen for a reason. Did Hailey breaking her leg help me from not having to endure something I don't know if I could have handled. I would have had surgery this week but instead I had to push it off to take care of Hailey. I like to think that there was a reason for the broken leg. But I could be reaching.
Was it just a miracle. I think they happen but to me I don't know.
Was it prayers answered?? I would love to think that too.. My relationship with God is very complicated but I know I had many praying and feel in my heart that everyone had something to do with this amazing gift.

Does this mean I am completely out of the woods? of course not!! But its a start. Its been a very bumpy road but I feel like I see a light at the end of the tunnel now.

I feel like I have a reason to get back up and not get knocked down again!!!

Thank you for the prayers and support. I could not have done it without them!!

Here's to a GOOD DAY!!!

Baby Steps

I have at times told others that sometimes you have to take baby steps instead of one huge leap in order to reach your goal.

Now I am the one needing to take baby steps!

I remember when my kids were babies and ever milestone was huge. Lifting their head, rolling over, sitting, crawling and then walking. Each time it was a reason to celebrate. Tears of joy as you watch this little baby become a real person. I feel like I am watching it all over again.

Hailey is making great progress! But its baby steps. Its a good day and then its a bad day. I watch her succeed with the biggest smile on her face and I watch the tears flow as she struggles. I feel like its much harder when they are older because they can actually tell you what they are thinking and feeling.

She wants to rush it. I want to rush it. We want to be done with the broken leg!!  When someone comes over and ask her how she is , she says "broken". Makes me smile at times and makes me cry at times. She just says it as it is.
As I watch her though, i become more and more proud of who she is. She is an amazing child and I really do hope that I had something to do with it!

I too am struggling with the the baby steps. I don't want her to do too much but then I think she is not doing enough. Everyday I wish it was me and not her.

Its a lonely journey. I think for Hailey too. I know it does not have to be but it is. Its like being home with your newborn baby for the first time and you are overwhelmed by this tiny little human being. You can only do so much . You can only allow yourself to do so much. I struggle everyday with knowing what I am capable of doing and what I am not. I will push myself until I have nothing left and then some and then wonder why I have nothing.

I think its hard because its just a broken leg. I tell myself some days to just snap out of this because its just a broken leg. But I hurt for this amazing child who I have grown to love even more then I ever thought possible.

But someday we will sit back and laugh about this!! Right?