Bucket List

The definition of a Bucket list is a list of things you want to do before you die. Yesterday Ryan and I were able to make a quick stop to the Grand Canyon in Arizona while on a buisness trip. As we stood at the top of one of the Great Natural Wonders of the world, A man walked by me and said that he could now check off this off his Bucket List. Which of course got me thinking. I do not have a Bucket List. I never even thought to make one. And I wonder why that is. Maybe I made a list of things in my head that I thought would be cool to do but I never really considered that my Bucket List. I do not like having a timeline. Especially a timeline on life. I do know that you can not take life for granted and that life will not last forever but I hate trying to fill a lifetime of memories into a small time frame. When I was diagnosed with Cancer at 15, I cramed as much of life into a few years as I could. Good and bad, I feel like I lived life. There are things I would do differently but then I think that I can never say i didn't live life to the fullest. When a doctor tells you that you only have so long to live and then you reach that time, you wonder "what now". You take a deep breathe and wonder if it will be your last. You wonder if people will remember who you are. You wonder how on earth could this doctor be wrong. Then you have a feeling of accomplishment. You feel like you have conquered the world because you beat Cancer. Of course until it comes back in a different form. Does that mean I should make a Bucket List? Will making a Bucket List make the fact that Cancer is taking over my body better? What is I can't finish what is on that list? Did I fail then? Fear takes over me more then I would like to admit. It took many years for the doctors to determine that the pain in my stomach was a baseball size tumor. Doctors would tell me I was fine and that maybe i just had bad gas. Gas my ass!!! Everytime one of my children has a stomach ache, Fear completely takes over my body. My children have been through more test because of fear. When I had my lump removed from my breast, Cancer was not something I had feared in awhile. Just a precaution because of my history. Blindsided again, Fear took over my body. Breast Cancer is not even a cancer I can get. I am only 28. I fear for my daughter everyday. Every bump...every headache.. every bruise brings fear... Would making a Bucket List help?? I do not think that the Grand Canyon would be on that list. Was it amazing and beautiful,Absolutely. I hope to be able to bring my children there someday. If there was one thing I would put on my "Bucket List" it would be TIME!!! Time with my kids.. Time with my usband.. Time with my family... And if that takes me around the world then great. But if it only takes us to my backyard I would just be greatful for that time..

There is no time line on healing!!

I have had my share of surgeries. More then the fingers on my hands. Each one uniquely different. I have enough scares on my body to play tic tac toe. Once the body begins to heal, you must start on the inside. The emotional side of healing takes much longer then the actual wound itself. But there is no timeline. No one person can tell you it takes this long to get over this particular surgery. Its the same in everyday life as well. When someone dies, there is no timeline to how long  you grieve. Some it takes longer then others. Sometimes I wish there was a timeline. An outline on how to get over things that happen. I bet there could be some really money in that if it actually could work. Everyone has there own timeline. And no two are the same.

I have recovered fast and I have recovered slow before. Its always surprising to me the surgeries that take me forever to get back on my feet. I have been cut from end of my stomach to the other and I think i was up and moving faster then from when I had my lump in my breast taken out. Now I was younger and so I am sure that has something to do with it but it was different. Maybe I know more now and that is why it seems that with every new procedure , comes a longer recovery.

The emotional side to recovery is so much more painful then any incision on the body. It took me 13 yrs to deal with the cancer when I was 15. I don't know if as a teenager I just blocked it completely from my mind or if I simpley couldn't process it yet. I remember my son got a hernia as a baby. Simple procedure.My husband and I got to wait in the day surgery room. The longest hour of my life. It was right then that I realized what my parents went through. I apologized to my mother for the fight I gave her each and every day of my teenage years. I do much better as the patient. Through the years I have tried to understand what my family goes through. What my husband goes through. I do not want to be the patient but i know for a fact, I do not want to be the one in the waiting room either.

There are days that I feel completely normal and that I can do anything. And I of course will try and do everything. But I am always reminded that I am not normal. I realized I wasn't able to run when I started to train for a marathon. My doctor told me that because my entire stomach muscle was removed, I am unable to run. When I try to lift something heavy with my left arm, I am reminded of the Lymphadema I suffer from because of the amount of lymph nodes they removed. When I look at my children and have that " I want one more"moment, I am reminded that that is impossible without a uteruas.  Normal is very overrated.

It has been almost 6 yrs since my miscarriage and sometimes it hurts more today then it did then. Its not talked about. Its a personal struggle that no one can understand. And I have learned that that is ok.

There is no timeline on healing. I think there are things in my life I may never heal from. I think that makes me a stronger person in some ways.

Sometimes without a timeline , I feel that it is easier to heal..

First Blog Ever!!

So this is my first Blog.

Not even sure where to start but I think once I get past the first one, everything else will just come easily. At least that is what I am hoping!!

So here goes Cancer Girl's first Blog.

So why Cancer Girl? My husband said that if I ever wrote a book or had a book written about me, It should be called "Cancer Girl". Now I am far from being a writer but I love using writing as an outlet.
Cancer Sucks! There is no way nice way to put it. I am a five time Cancer Survivor. It started at 15 and it has haunted me through my early 30's. My story will play out through this Blog over time. No one person can handle it one Blog. Or maybe I can't handle it one Blog. I am still processing things that have occurred in my life through the years. Hoping to one day get a handle on it all.

I have an amazing, blessed life. I have had my share of highs and I have sure had my share of lows. But the lows sometimes make the highs even better.

I have been married now for almost 11 yrs to an amazing man, Ryan. He lives life on the edge and tries very hard to keep me on the edge with him. He makes me a better person each and every day. He is truly my better half.
We have two beautiful children. Cameron is 12( no need to do the math on that) and Hailey is 8. Both so very different from each other. They bring joy (and stress) into our lives daily.

I am blessed to have been able to stay home with the kids as they grow up. My husband and I made a deal from the very beginning, "You can do whatever you want as long as I am able to stay home". And that deal has never been broken. Now maybe I should have worded "whatever" a little differently, but its all been worth it.

My family has watched me through years deal with many different obstacles. And they have taken each step with me. Now don't worry this is not going to always be a "I love and adore my family" Blog. Its just to build the foundation =)

I enjoy life and 99% of the time have a pretty positive attitude. I attempt to make the best out of what is dealt to me. Now I do occasionally have my pity party, as I do believe we all should be able to. But I still try and pick myself up when I am done. Sometimes someone has to drag my ass but I do get back up.

I will sum up my Cancer life and attempt to elaborate over time.

At 15 I was diagnosed with a rare form of abdominal Cancer. Me and about 4 other people in the US had the same diagnosis. The other 4 died and I too was given that fate. Obviously, I am still here today to fight. I dealt with some recurrence's from that Cancer but went on with my life. Now I was told I would never be able to have children but as you can see I have 2. Miracles is what they are. After 2 children and a miscarriage with our third, I had to have a hysterectomy due to Endometrosis. They had to take my uterus and ovaries, forcing me into menopause at 28. Because they took my ovaries, I had to be put on Estrogen. Estrogen which they say caused my Breast Cancer at 28. Who knows if it was the Estrogen or just bad luck, either way it was Cancer. After recovering from all that fun, I was diagnosed with skin cancer on my stomach caused from the radiation treatment I received at 15. Cancer causes Cancer.

There is so much more to tell and explain. Everyday I deal with Cancer but I do not want Cancer to control my life. I want to wake up without thinking that that lump is Cancer again.

I hope this will be the outlet that lets me lay it all on the table.

Today will be a good day!!