I'm standing with you...

Through whatever you go through
I'm standin' with you
Here wherever you go to
I'll stand beside you
And when you think that all the odds are all against you
And you just feel like giving up, well, I won't let you
Through whatever you go through...
I'm standing with you
I'm standing with you

The first time I heard this song, I cried. Shocking, I know but if you really listen to the words in the song, I bet you may even shed a tear or at least have your eyes water. That is one of the things I love about music. I love what music can make you feel. Especially when at times, all you are trying to do is not feel. Music brings out emotions in you that sometimes you didn't know you had or even worse, brings out the emotions that you buried way down deep inside that only a song that really knows how you feel, brings them out. Love hate relationship with music for sure! 

This past year has been an emotional one to say the least. A year ago today, I was on a plane to New York to have surgery. A surgery that has forever changed me, good and bad. A surgery that took not only my body to bat but fucked with my emotions in a way I didn't know possible. A surgery that would push me to the cliff, dangle me over it and ultimately save my life. And for that I am forever grateful.  

When your hurting, I want you to know
That you'll never have to hurt alone
When your faith is, faith is running low

I'll never lose faith in you
When the night's around you
And you think that no one cares about you
I will go and throw my arms around you
I'll be there...

This year has been a year of recovery. A recovery that is still ongoing and if I just try and face the truth, a recovery that will be with me the rest of my life. It can be hard at times. Feel impossible. Annoying as shit. Complicated. Time consuming and all encompassing. But I'm not complaining. Because I'm here and fighting every day with a smile on my face. 

We all got time's when we can't be strong
When it feels like, like all hope is gone
But I'm right here, right here to lean on
I'll always be strong for you
And when you feeling broken
And it's seems like every door is closing
Want you to know that mine is always open
I'll be there...

I am traumatized, broken and afraid. But I am also strong, determined, stubborn and a fighter. And what I have learned is that I can be broken and strong at the same time. I can take the very thing that has broken me to my core and build a strength off of it that is even stronger than before. I honestly believe that what doesn't kill us really does make us stronger.  We all have shit. We all have something that has broken us down and tested us in ways like never before. But we surround ourselves with peeps that hold us up when we can't stand on our own. That breathe for us when it feels impossible to breathe. That make us smile in our darkest moment. That never lose hope or faith in us. I do not only survive because I am strong. I survive because I have an army around me that stands by me every second.

Nothing you can do can move me
You can try, but you can't lose me
You can't lose me

Through whatever you go through
I'm standing with you
And wherever you go to (You go to), I'll stand beside you
And when you think that all the odds are all against you
And you just feel like giving up, well, I won't let you
Through whatever you go through (through whatever you go through)

I am standing today, because I am not alone in this fight. I have learned that therapy comes in many different versions and that no one is right or wrong. Sometimes it is sitting on couch with therapist who tells you it is ok to feel this way. Sometimes it is a girl’s weekend filled with tears, laughs and love. Sometimes it is having drinks with a friend who knows your hurting but will not mention what you are going through because they know that is exactly what you need right now. Sometimes it is just being present. Sometimes it is an email or a text to just say I love you. It comes in all different ways and I am grateful for each and every one. 

 

I do not know exactly what this year ahead will bring me. I know it will test me and push me. I know that I will have to fight like hell but I am ok with that. I am more then ok with that. I am ready. WE are ready. To each and everyone of you going through something right now or trying to process something that you have gone through, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Remember that you have so many standing with you and helping you every step of the way. Life is toooooooo fucking short to not enjoy every second. Do not take this time for granted. Live it. Laugh. Love with all your heart. And remember that it is ok to be broken because I am standing with you holding you together.

Thank you to each and every one of you who holds me together and makes me smile.

Tally Marks.....

"Strength isn't about how much 

you can handle before you break, 

it's about how much 

you can handle after you break."

Many people collect things. Maybe it's baseball cards, shot glasses, Starbucks mugs, key chains, etc... Usually people collect them because they want to and because they like that particular thing. They can display them in a cool way and it can even spark fun conversation. But what about the things you don't want to collect but have no choice? Like cancer.

Cameron, my son, got me a tattoo for Mother's Day last year. To some that may sound weird but this child knows how much I love my tattoos. It may have taken me almost a year to use it, but last night we went to cash that baby in. Now minus the tattoo on my lower back that I got when I was younger, all my tattoos have a meaning. I like to say that some of them are even therapy for me but Ryan says I should just admit that I love tattoos. But since I am writing this, I am going with therapy. 😜
So picking one was not easy because they are obviously permanent and I need it to mean something to me. I need to know that when I look at it, it represents part of who I am.

After this last surgery and #7 cancer, I wanted something that represented surviving 7. Something that says "FUCK YOU cancer, I'm still here". And I didn't want to get fuck on my body (though I will admit I have thought about it =)). I thought about getting a number 7 behind my ear or roman numerals or something along that line but turning a number 7 maybe into an 8 and then maybe turning an 8 into a 9 can be complicated so I went with tally marks.

Now I know that sounds sad and awful! And believe me it sucks on this end too. But I will not let that change how I am going to live my life. There have been so many times where I felt exhausted, scared and done. But each time, I dig deep and find that strength that has gotten me through the last 20 plus years of cancer and remind myself that I can do this. I look around and see the amazing people I am surrounded by and remember that I am stronger then any tally mark on my body.

I live in a reality that someday number 8 will come my way. It may be tomorrow, in a year or in 50 years but someday I will add a tally mark to my arm and I will do it with the same "fuck you" attitude I did last night. I will do it and gain strength because every time I look at it, I see how far I have come. I am reminded that it was hard and it was painful but I am also reminded of the strength and determination that got me through it.

When I sat down and told the tattoo artist I wanted 7 tally marks, he tried to guess what the 7 meant. 7 kids, 7 husbands, 7 toes =), 7 countries visited, etc... and as we laughed at each one he said, Cameron said he will never guess. Guess it is not something people collect. So when I finally told him that the 7 tally marks stood for me getting cancer 7 times he was speechless. And not speechless in a Woohoo moment but more of a speechless in a "oh shit I just said all these funny things about 7 things" moment. But I reassured him that it is ok to laugh and joke about this because life is all about how you handle the bullshit that comes your way. And what I have learned is that I feel so much better when I take lead over cancer. Even if at times it feels like it has the upper hand, I never let it get ahead of me for long. Because it is worth the fight.

Cancer will continue to follow me as my life goes one. It will try to peak its head up and take pieces of me with it when it leaves. And at times it will feel impossible but nothing is impossible. Even as corny as that sounds. Nothing is impossible. The road can be so hard and bumpy sometimes and can even seem unfair, but never ever lose hope. I am human and I struggle all the time with understanding cancer and understanding why but I hold onto hope every single day. And when I lose that hope, even for a second, I surround myself with those who hold onto for me.

So today, and everyday, never forget how strong you really are. Dig deep when you need to. Share your strength with others. Smile because it will change someone's life. Celebrate your milestones. Laugh as much as you can. Hold onto hope.

And celebrate my tally marks with me!