The end of a chapter.....

                                             " I am a living statistic

                                                that shows that money

                                                raised for breast cancer

                                                research does something.

                                                 If it was not for the

                                                 different medications and

                                                 studies out there,

                                                 I might not be here

                                                 today to tell me story. "

                                           
 I walked and finished my 9th Susan G Komen 3-day, 60 mile walk last week and it was a weekend filled with laughter, tears, blisters, and memories to last a lifetime. Preparing for the walk never gets easier if you ask me. No matter how many times you have done it in the past, the idea of walking 60 miles in 3 days is never easy to prepare for. Now it doesn't help that my body was not allowing me to really train for this walk but I am not sure even if my body was up for it, if I would have really trained anyways. I don't think there is really any full way to prepare yourself to walk that far in 3 days. Especially if you add some nice rain to the mix too!

Coming into this 9th walk was a little different then years past. I came into this walk knowing(thinking) that this would be my last walk. And anyone who knows me knows what a huge part of my life is dedicated to this walk. What this walk means to me. What this walk has given me and most of all what this walk has helped me heal from. So going into this walk knowing it would be my last was emotional to say the least.

Nothing gets your emotions going better then opening ceremonies. A time when we all come together and realize that we are all here for the very same reason. That we all have a part in this. That we have all been affected by cancer. That we have all given all we can to be here together. It's a time to celebrate those who have beaten cancer. A time to hold the hands of those fighting it. And a time to remember and honor those we have lost. You are surrounded by people just like you who have walked many walks before and then you are also surrounded by people who are out there for the very first time which gives me such great joy and comfort because I know it's ok to let. They will carry on this walk for me.

So off we went walking... Just a small 20 mile walk to get us warmed up for what day 2 had in store for us. RAIN! And we all know how I feel about rain. We got lucky with day 1 that no really rain came our way so it's only logical that day 2 would be filled with rain and a nice breeze to go along with it. Now I would like to tell you that we smile through the rain and we make the best out of it but that would be a big fat lie! We bitch, we cry and we bust ass to get to the end. I always love seeing all the pictures of people walking and smiling and wonder if they are posing or if they really are just that happy in the rain. Now don't get me wrong, we really do laugh along the way and we know that the rain we are walking in is nothing compared to cancer but it still sucks! I always like to tell people that they are allowed to bitch about the small things. Not everything has to be as big as cancer(and I believe I can say that because cancer and I are pretty damn close). We all have something and at mile 10 on day 2, we had rain!

The 3rd day is always the hardest. Not only have you already walked over 40 miles(and that is enough if you ask me) but you know that this walk is coming to an end. And as much as your body hurts and your blisters are popping, you feel a sadness in your heart that is hard to put into words.
But But But...... We had sunshine so that always helps.

                                       

This walk came into my life at a time that I needed it most but didn't really even know it. When I walked my very first walk while undergoing treatment, I did not realize the healing that my body and soul would get from walking 60 miles. And now today I believe that I wouldn't be in the place I am at today without it.

This walk has allowed me to be myself (which is debatable if that's a good thing or a bad thing=)). But in all seriousness it has allowed me to be cancer girl without feeling like cancer girl. It has allowed me to share my story and give hope to those still fighting. It has given me the strength to never give up the fight, It has allowed me to meet some amazing people and build some amazing friendships. It brought Lori and Kim into my life and has built a friendship that I would be lost without. It has allowed me to be a role model for my kids. That no matter what, we will never give up. It has enabled me to raise thousands of dollars for research. Research that I would not be here without. It has allowed me look past the pain, look past the hurt, look past the fear and look towards the future with more hope then ever before.
                                                   


So I end this journey with tears in my eyes but peace in my heart. I believe that it takes an extremely strong person to know when its time to let go. And even though I could push myself to continue this amazing walk, I know and feel that this is my time to end this chapter and move on to the next. This body isn't getting any younger but my fight is stronger then ever before,



I can not thank each and every one of you enough. Many of you have been with me since the very beginning and I could not have done this without you. Your love and support has gotten me through every mile. To my donors, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Not only have your donations allowed me to walk but they have helped with many breakthroughs in the fight against cancer. Thank you. To my friends who have been there every step of the way, thank you. It is impossible to put into words what your support and your love has done for me. I would never make it to the end without you. Thank you <3.  To my amazing family who has traveled near and far to be apart of this journey with me, thank you. Your smiles, love, support, time, signs, letters, and cupcakes are greatly appreciated and I don't know how we would do it without you. Thank you!

So as I end this chapter and start a new one, please know I am stronger then ever before. I will continue to share my story and spread as much hope as I possibly can. This fight is far from over but I know that these last 8 years, 9 walks, 540 miles walked will continue to strengthen me every step of the way.


                        "Without the rain there would be no rainbows!"

" I'm Great! "

      " I am here today, and today I would rather smile than cry."

Friend- "How are you doing/feeling?"
Me- "I'm great!" (smile)

So obviously this is a question that is asked on a daily basis! As it is to everyone I am sure. It's a normal question to ask when you see someone you know. And for me the response is always the same... "I'm great!"

Now of course to say that I am doing great all the time is a very false statement but it doesn't mean that you won't get the same answer from me. And that answer isn't just for you. It is for me too.

There is a coping mechanism that comes with cancer. And it can only really be fully understood by those with cancer but I do believe that when a loved one gets cancer, in a way everyone gets cancer. So I think it is important to know that there is no rule book on how to deal with cancer and there is no right and wrong way to cope with it either. There is just the way that works for you.

I have been dealing with cancer for over 20 years and will hopefully be dealing with it for another 50. Because dealing with it means I'm still here. Once you get cancer, it follows you the rest of your life but it's a small price to pay for a life worth fighting for.

Each and every time I hear another story about someone getting cancer, it feels as if I have been punched in the stomach. It's a feeling that I can relate to but wish I couldn't but am glad I do because maybe, just maybe, I can do a little something to make that person smile.

Now when I'm asked how I am doing, I could tell you the dark side of it. I could tell you that there is not a day that I don't feel tired, or nauseous or that something doesn't hurt. I could tell you all the things I miss doing and eating. I could tell you what an emotional toll it puts on myself and my family. I could tell you how much I hate cancer and hate what it has taken from me. BUT what good is that. It's real, yes! It's the truth, yes! But just in writing those words, I feel worse. And I guarantee you don't feel any better either!

So I would rather be "Great" then any of those things... Because when I hear the words come out of my mouth, I feel better. There is an enormous amount of strength that you get by not letting cancer take over your life. Even when it's doing everything it can on the inside to destroy you, your strength and your hope is more powerful.

There are things I have learned to just deal with. They suck and can be unpleasant and not really fair if you ask me but there is nothing that is going to change that. At least not in the near future. So instead I adjust my sails and live life. I do not let anything stop me from doing what I want and what I love. I don't want to live with limitations. Now I do have to be smart about it (which I'm a little stubborn so that's not always easy) but I have not let 20 years of cancer win yet and I don't plan on letting it ever win!

So I will leave you with this.... Live life. Do not set limitations for yourself. Do what you love and be with those you love. Some times the greatest gift you can give someone is time. Time listening. Time talking. Time in silence. Time doing absolutely nothing but being present. Time just being "great".


          "Through the pain and the struggle, Yeh I still smile."

8 years ago......

                                 "Breast Cancer changes you, and the change can be beautiful."

I can remember the day as if it was yesterday. It was a sunny and cool March day spent cuddled inside on the couch, wrapped in a warm, fuzzy blanket. I was still in quite a bit of pain from the surgery a few days before and was patiently (or not so patiently) waiting for the doctor to call me back to give me a new pain medicine that would hopefully make me a little more comfortable. So when the phone rang, I could feel my entire body relax knowing that some pain relief was coming my way. Not knowing that this would actually be the phone call that would bring me a pain that I would carry with me the rest of my life.

Now having had cancer a few times before, you would think that maybe it would get easier to hear. At least not knock the wind out of you. But in reality, it is the complete opposite. Hearing "you have cancer"..."again" only gets harder. I remember hanging up the phone and can honestly say I do not even know if I got new pain meds because at that point there was no medicine that was going to take away the pain that I was feeling in that moment. I sat speechless. Numb. I could feel my heart beating in my chest and wondered if it was actually possible for your heart to beat so hard that it just comes right out of your chest. But it was beating and that was comforting to me in that moment.

Breast Cancer hit me hard. It was a personal hard for me. See at that time I had already had a full hysterectomy and was in full menopause (Not fun let me tell you). So the thought that Breast Cancer could take the last of my womanhood was terrifying to me. Now if you ask me now, I would let them take anything and everything they could but I do believe that is something you have to be ready for. And at that time in my life I was not ready. My body had been through hell and back and it was just trying to survive day to day. As was my mind.

Breast Cancer invaded my body but it also lite a fire in me. Two months before I was diagnosed, I had signed up for my first Susan G Komen 3-day, 60 mile walk. I wanted to give back and I wanted to make a difference. At the time, I didn't know why I was so drawn to this particular walk but I learned very quickly why I was. Having finished my first 60 mile walk while undergoing treatment, it only gave me more strength. A strength that has gotten me to where I am today. A strength that has given me a platform to tell my story and touch lives. A strength that I am forever thankful for. A strength that I hope I had without Breast Cancer but a strength that Breast Cancer helped me see..

March 6th, 2008 is a day that I will never forget. But it is also a day that I celebrate how far I have come. Having just gotten off another round of treatment, my body is healing and building strength again. I do not know what the months ahead will hold but what I do know is that it's important to celebrate milestones. It's those milestones that give you the strength to never give up.

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2016/TwinCitiesEvent2016?px=1330784&pg=personal&fr_id=1958