Scare away the dark....

"Well, sing, sing at the top of your voice,
Love without fear in your heart.
Feel, fell like you still have a choice
If we all light up we can scare away the dark" 
                                                (Passenger)

Today, for the first time in months, I took a walk outside. It was like the sun was calling my name. So I grabbed a sweatshirt, put on my gym shoes, grabbed my dogs (who were beyond excited) and my music and off we went. There was just enough of a light breeze to remind me that spring was still months away but to be patient because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's amazing what one walk outside in the fresh air can do for the mind.

I had taken some time off from blogging because I am a believer of " if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all!" That's not to say that I am always very good at keeping my mouth shut but it's a lot easier to keep things to yourself when you have to write them down =)! And believe me that can even be hard. So here I am. Back and ready to fight another day!

As I was walking, I remembered that it was World Cancer Day. A day where people from all over the world unite together in the fight against cancer. It happens every year on February 4th and as I looked back at some of my older blogs, I saw that a I wrote a blog last year on this exact day. So it is only fitting that I write another one.

Over the years, I have learned that I will never be free of cancer. Even if the cancer is not in my body, it will follow me forever. It will continue to test my mind and my body. It can seem so unfair at times. I mean it's bad enough you get cancer (6 times) but it's even worse that it never really leaves.
But I have never really been a "why me" person and I don't plan on becoming one so I will take my cancers and my scars and keep on moving down the road. Whatever road that may be.

I was reminded over the last few months that when you are down emotionally, it's hard to fight anything off. It brought me back to the first time that I feel like I really learned what that felt like. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2008, it blindsided me. Not that you are really ever ready for cancer but this particular diagnosis hit me emotionally harder then ever before. Maybe It was because I was older. Maybe it was because this was just something else I knew would affect my kids and family. Maybe it was because I knew more now and the fear of knowing and can sometimes be worse then not knowing. Whatever it was, emotionally this hit me hard.

My body is pretty much glued together with whatever pieces are left in me. Each time it takes a little bit longer to recover but it always bounces back to it's new norm. But when I struggle emotionally that is much more scary to me then anything my body has to endure. Cut me open, take what doesn't belong and glue me back together. Just don't take my spirit while you are in there!

You never really know what the answer is when it comes to emotions. It is not always an easy fix. So as I struggled with how to heal my emotions, I decided that I should torture my body a little bit more and walk 60 miles in 3days. It was a cause close to my heart and I needed to do something. And doing something is what saved me.

Walking 60 miles in 3 days is what really healed me. And maybe it was the walking 60 miles or maybe it was 3 days with thousands of people all there for the same reason. Maybe it was that I honestly didn't think my body could do it and that when I was able to finish it was life changing. Maybe it was the people I met along the way and who have been with me every step since then. I honestly can't explain it. But what I can say is that I am forever grateful.

So today as I was taking my walk, I once again began to feel that healing. With the sun beating down on my face and a few tears rolling down my face (that I would love to blame on the wind but my conscience won't let me=)), I once again found my strength. I found the fight! I know that dark days will come again but I hope that the strength that I have gained over the last few months will help me fight on stronger then ever before.

I will leave you with one of my favorite song's lyrics. It came on today as I was taking my walk and I found it very fitting!

We should run through the forest
We should swim in the streams
We should laugh, we should cry,
We should love, we should dream
We should stare at the stars and not just at screens
You should hear what I’m saying and know what it means

 

So sing, sing at the top at your voice
Love without fear in your heart.
Can you feel, feel like you still have a choice?
If we all light up we can scare away the dark…

 

~from Passenger’s Scare Away the Dark