Reminded why...

 " Hope is the only thing stronger than fear."

 There is not a day that goes by that cancer is not on my mind. It starts the second I get out of bed and ends when I lay my head on my pillow at night. It could be a pain I feel just from getting out of bed. It could be the scars I see when I am getting dressed. It could be pushing myself  too hard through out the day. It could be excepting my limitations. It could be the doctors appointments and needles going in and out of my body. Whatever it is, for me, it is always present. 

I am able to help so many people through their cancer journey. To be honest, I wish it was talk about the weather or boys over cancer, but that is not the world we live in. We live in a world with cancer and we must do everything we can to fight and end it. So I am honored and blessed to be able to touch the lives of so many. I have met some amazing people along the way who I am beyond blessed to call friends. But even I can be shaken.

My mama likes to keep me on my toes, that's for sure! She is a young 75yr old woman who has had her shares of ups and downs. The most recent over the past few years, is Alzheimer's. But over her 75yrs of life, she has had polio as a child. Post Polio as an adult, a few heart things and the normal life moments that can make and break you. But she has not been broken yet. Sometimes I struggle to see the mom who has been there for me for 45 years, but I know she is still in there. I just have to dig a little deeper these days to see her. And to watch her lose a little bit of herself, is extremely hard but she does it with a smile and maybe a little edge. So when she went in for her annual mammogram, I was expecting nothing more than the normal aggravation of another doctor's appointment. But because life likes to throw some curve balls, we got a little more that we were anticipating. 

My mom has dense breast. Yes, you are welcome for more information than you probably wanted. But the facts are the facts my friends. =)  So going in, you know that some additional testing may be needed. And we take it as it comes. But this time was a bit different. Not only did her dense tissue cause some issues, but the 6mm and 4 mm "masses" they found in her breast were anything but normal. So more testing and more imaging and biopsy is what the next steps were. But as we all love how the amazing health care systems work, we had to wait a few weeks to get in and see what was going on. 

As we waited for my mom to get her test done, the waiting game started. Which means, the worry started. My mom, of course not fazed but more annoyed with more test, took in what she could. You see, with Alzheimer's, this kind of thing can be hard to understand and to process. She can ask a lot of questions and not understand the answers but over time, she processes it. I can only imagine what it is like inside that head of hers with so much going on. 

Now I hate to fucking wait! Especially for anything medical! I know to much. I have been through too much. Cancer is my thing. You don't get to mess with my peeps. But as I started to process the what if's, I wondered how I was going to handle this if this came back cancer for her. What do I tell her? What do I do? How to comfort her when she has so much going on daily? How to I handle this with my own health struggles? What do I tell her is going on? How do I take this off her plate?  All the questions and fears that go through your head when you hear the word "cancer."

So the day finally comes and we get her in for her testing. And it takes for fucking ever!!!!!! And I have never been a good waiting room person. I am the patient normally and that is how I like it. Waiting rooms and me are not friends. And the longer it takes, the more my mind goes. I have been through the testing of breast cancer and gotten the devastating news that it is cancer. I know how long and short test should take if everything was good or bad. I know this process. And I obviously couldn't be in the room with her, but I didn't want her confused in any of the moments or not know what was going on. So the wait felt like a lifetime. But out she comes, 90 minutes later, very happy that is done and over with. And of course says " Don't know why I had to go through all that Kristine". She loves to call my Kristine when she is not very happy.  But she was tired and been through a bunch so I let this one slide this time.

So the wait begins for results....

A glimpse of my overflowing glass full mom came out and she was not worried about the results at all. I on the other hand, was terrified.

While waiting for results, I was honored enough to be able to attend Band for one. A concert 100% benefiting Susan G Komen and hosted by Trisha Yearwood. What a night of music but the stories and the support that was present that night, was overwhelming and amazing. Having not only my own story with cancer, but also being at event about breast cancer while waiting to hear if my mom did too, was emotional and overwhelming. I was reminded why I continue to fight. Why I continue to walk. Why I continue to try and make an impact. Why I continue to support Susan G Komen.

Friday morning the phone call came in with my moms results. Complex breast cyst with thickening walls and mass. Well say that a few times. It is not cancer but it has a risk of becoming cancer. Normally they would surgically remove it and do more testing to see if it is cancer, but with her Alzheimer's, everything is a little more complicated and risky. So we are going to monitor it closely and retest in a couple of months and see if there are changes. If there are, we go from there. If there is no change, that is another win for us for the time being. There are many many many layers to cancer and the process and everything. Being her care taker can be a lot because every decision is important and effects her life. But I am grateful I get to walk this journey with her. And I am grateful for the medical team taking my mom into full consideration and not putting her through anything that she doesn't have to. 

So for this Monday, March 31st, we take this as a win and we are grateful for the how far medicine has come over the years. I was diagnosed in 2008 with Breast Cancer and I was only 28. Things have changed and developed so much. Even when I was first diagnosed with cancer at 15, it is like night and day people. And that is because we are all still fighting. We are researching. We are developing. We are doing all we can with what we have.  

I am reminded how everything can change in a second. And this is coming from someone who's life changes often within seconds. Sometimes with a warning and sometimes you feel like you never knew it was coming. I am grateful that the world knows my mama has enough on her plate and you leave that cancer stuff to me.

There are so many organizations that help. Susan G Komen has had its ups and downs with me but this is an organization I will continue to support and I will continue to walk. This is an event that brought me back to life. Medicine might help in making me strong enough to walk, but the people on this walk and the people I meet along the way and the people I help along the way, is what gives me strength.

So in honor of my mama, I am asking for your support once again. My mama is going to be 75 this June. So I thought I would try and get 75 people to donate $75 dollars.  We all know what it feels like to lose someone and to watch someone fight.  So I am asking for your love, support and maybe a little money to honor my mama and honor where I got some of my fight from.  Without her, I would not be here today.

https://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2024/20253Day?px=8070701&pg=personal&fr_id=2323&fbclid=IwY2xjawJXzoNleHRuA2FlbQIxMAABHR9iIFqa1D459Pif-p8pq4IMGy-RQIEK0GlIXrxsRnJJ2FstXbq3aJ-L_w_aem_wezniu3a3FYU53Ffo2ZizA

Thank you for your continued love and support.  And make sure you check those boobies!

Dallas recap...another 60 miles done!

 "We don't know how strong you are,

until being strong is the only choice we have."

Dallas, you brought us more than we could have ever expected. Highest of highs and the lowest of lows. But, damn it, we did it!

Going into this walk, my body and health was not 100% but when is it ever, if you ask me! But this one was a little harder than others. Coming off of a not so great doctors appointment in New York, I went into this walk knowing it would challenging and emotional. I knew I may not be able to do it all but was going to try to do what I could and try and listen to my body. Which we all know is not something I do well! And as much as I needed to listen to my body, I needed to walk this walk. I asked my girls to help me get there and they did not fail! Which I knew they would have me but this weekend, they had me and my peeps in ways that I will forever be grateful!

This walk was already going to be emotional because we were doing the last walk of a dear friend. He has walked 35 walks and when I meet him in 2008, he forever changed my life. We both spoke at camp that year. Him talking about the loss of his beautiful wife and me telling my cancer fight. So us girls traveled to Dallas to share this amazing moment with him. And through the streets of Dallas and Fort Worth, we brought the laughter, the tears, the inappropriate and memories every step of the way. I am forever grateful to be able to share this walk with him.

As we reunited with all of our peeps, it was as if not time had passed. We just picked up right where we left off and the bond only grew stronger as we walked another 60 miles. We could have never expected what was going to come our way, over those 3 days but together, we held on to each other tightly and never let go.

So many people ask me why I walk and why Susan G Komen. I know everyone has their own opinion and views on what Komen is and does. And you are all allowed to have that. But this walk has always had a special place in my heart and is definitely one of the reasons I am here today. What I didn't know, was what this walk could mean even more to me and provide a strength and purpose in ways you don't understand until you are walking the walk.

I was beyond happy to see friends who also came to Dallas for the same reasons. To walk and to say goodbye to a dear friend. But what we never expected was that along those 3 days, another dear friend would lose her sister, to breast cancer, while walking. Take a moment and process that. The unimaginable. The UNFKNBLVBL happened. And we got to be there during that moment. We got to walk with a bigger purpose than ever before. We got to actively do something while the worst was happening to her and her family. The emotions ran hard to say the least. I was honored and blessed to have met this beautiful sister in San Diego and to say she had an infectious smile and strength, is putting it mildly. She walked, raised money, raised awareness while having breast cancer. THAT IS WHY WE WALK!

We walked as the sun began to rise. A mist coming down. A chill in the air but the spirits were high. We walked through neighborhoods where to many halloween directions were still up. Where the sidewalks were uneven. Where statues of animals became our friends. Where the stores had pink ribbons on their windows to show their support. Where survivors, fighters and kids came out with signs of encouragement. 

We held hands. Laughed more than I have ever laughed before. Cried more than ever before. Held onto the moments we know won't last forever. We gathered together after spending the day walking together to share those moments. Cheersed each other with a few drinks ( or more than a few at times) and made sure to cheers to the ones that couldn't be with us. 

We surrounded ourselves in a pink bubble where you were excepted for exactly who you are. Each of us came to this walk for different reasons, but at the end, we were all there for the same reason. We were not individuals or separate teams, we were one family. And though the goodbyes were hard, we are all still together.

I am fortunate and blessed to have this gift of cancer. Sounds fucked up, doesn't it? Well, it is what it is peeps. Having fought cancer since I was 15, I have learned a few things along the way and for me, there has to be a reason I get to not only still be here, but a reason I got cancer in the first place. And that is to help others who unfortunately hear the words " you have cancer". The worst words and they never get easier to hear. I should expect to hear "cancer" when I got to the doctor. But it never gets easier.                  

But, I am able to help others going through this shitty disease. And I hate to be good at this particular thing, but I have been able to help those going through cancer. I have been able to guide them in a direction. I have been able to cry and scream with them. I have been able to celebrate the successes and I have been able to help them transition to the other side. It can can a toll on the emotions and bring my own health to the surface. A health I like to bury as much as I can but is healthy to deal with. This is my purpose. My reason. My heart. And the friends I have made along the way, are life changing. Some I have lost along the way and some get I get to celebrate the milestones with. But all in my heart for sure.

So I want to take this time to thank everyone who supported me. Without you, I couldn't do this. The donations, the texts, calls and letters sent our way during this weekend, gave me the strength to keep going. Hearing from those near and far, I am forever grateful.

To my girls, I couldn't do this without you. You allow me to be me. Crazy, loud, scared, sad, happy, funny and as I am. I am forever grateful.

To my dear friend, I do not have words. So I will say " see you soon and I love and thank you!"

To my other dear friend, your strength, courage and purpose will be something I will forever hold on to. Being able to share this moment and be there for you, is something I will forever hold on to. You are stuck with us now! =)

To Kim, I can't thank you enough for continuing to do this walk with me. The moments we share and experience everyday and then to be able to do this walk with you, I am beyond grateful. I love you and thank you for always supporting me on my crazy adventures even when they aren't the smartest! San Diego, here we come.

To my family, thank you for supporting me and giving me the time I need to do this walk. And even when I come home a little sore, slower and tired, you support me and I couldn't do this without you!

Sooooooooo......... remember my peeps that we all have a reason we do things. We all have a purpose. Love each other. Live as if everyday is your last. You never know when your entire life will turn upside down. Life is too fucking short to be judge people, hate people, not reach out, not say I love you and not take the time with your peeps! 

I will continue to walk... even if I can't walk it all, I will try. And I will surround myself with my people. I will continue to help in any way I can. I will continue to fight. I will continue to spread my purpose.

FUCK CANCER!

Love you all!

A day I always hoped I would see...

In my daughter's eyes

I am a hero

I am strong and wise

And I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see

She was sent to rescue me

I see who I want to be

In my daughter's eyes

I am not sure how this day came and went so quickly. It seems like we have been planning this special day forever. So how did it sneak up on me? How did it come so quickly? How is my baby girl getting married? How is it over already?

BUT it was freaking AMAZING and I could not be more excited, emotional, happy, proud and down right giddy to have watched my sweet Hailey marry her prince charming! 

This is a day that every mother dreams of for her child. A day that is surrounded with love and happiness. Where the fairy tale comes true and everyone lives happily ever after. A day that brings me so much joy but always stirs a huge pot of emotions that I buried way down deep, in hopes of never being discovered. And once you stir that pot, it is hard to make it stop.

I will be honest. I was hesitant to write this blog in fear of it being taken too dark or misunderstood. And after having a conversation with Hailey, I realized that this is our story and sharing this should be done with no fear and and no misunderstanding. This is the life I have lived and shared so I am definitely not going to stop now.

When I was 15 and newly diagnosed with cancer, I didn't think about my future with kids and what that would entail. At 15, I thought about how I could cram a shit ton of life into a short period of time. And as I have been blessed to have that time prolonged, I continue to cram as much of life in as I can. And I think I have passed that on to my kids. Something I hope they would have had whether or not they had a mom with cancer or not but nevertheless, they have it!

So as I got older and my kids grew older as well, I did what any mom would do. Think about their kids futures. Their careers and where they would live. Who they would marry and when they would have kids. What type of life they would build for themselves and where they would travel. All the things that parents think of as their kids get older. Along with some worry of course, but knowing they have support every step of the way. 

But along the way, I also had fear. Fear that one does not speak of. Fear that if spoken about, maybe it can be real. Fear that I am sure my people know I have. Fear I am sure my children have but wouldn't want to share with me. Fear that I will miss the moments. Big, small, FUCKING HUGE and tiny. Any and every moment. Because as a parent who has been sick my entire children's life (on and off), how can I not think about that. 

I am not sure how often I have thought about the moments I would maybe miss because of cancer but I can tell you it is enough to make a girl a little crazy =)( in the best way of course). And one of those moments I feared I may not see some day, was my kids getting married. It was a reality and a fear but it also gave me the strength and the fight. Because last Saturday I got to watch the most beautiful bride walk down the aisle and marry her best friend. I got to witness the strength and love the two of them have for each other and sit in awe of them both. I got to be there while my daughter got married! Yep! You heard that right peeps.... Hailey and Declan are married and I could not be happier!

As the emotions calm. As the feet recover from being in heels for too damn long. As the sleep deprivation fades. As the stress goes away and we all settle back into life, I am filled with so much love and hope. So much determination and belief that life may not always be easy and the fight is long from over, But damn..... is it worth it.

A dear friend of mine send this to me.

"This is something that will be imbedded in my mind forever. Your pure joy, delight and excitement!

I think of all the times when you were fighting the ultimate battle to get to the next day, how many times you thought “I want to see my kids graduate, go to college, get married…”

And here you are!

The brave, fierce, phenomenal woman who looked defiance in the face and said “suck it”. "

I thank you for sharing this with me and for capturing a moment that will forever be imbedded into my heart and mind forever.

So to each and everyone of you, hold on to the moments. Treasure your time together. Love so fucking hard and laugh every chance you can. Take the trip. Eat the damn cake(or fries in my case). Make the time. Say I love you every day. Have no regrets. Fight like hell and never ever lose hope. Life with cancer can try and take all that away. BUT we can fight as hard as we can to make sure to hold on to everything we can.

I love you all and thank you for being my strength and hope always.

And to the most amazing newlyweds, Let's get this party started! =)

 

In an instant...

 Be thankful for today,

because in one

moment, your entire     

life can change.

I recently had a friend reach out to me with a health scare. Something that happens often since I pretty much have my own "Krissie Cancer PHD". But this one hit me a little different. Maybe due to circumstances in my own world. Maybe because it hit a little too close to home. Maybe it was an emotional day. No matter what the reason was, it was something I feel that is important to share.

I have dealt with cancer since I was 15. And even though recently I realized I was 44 now and not 43 like I had thought in my head, that's a long fucking time to have this shadow that follows me where ever I go. But none the less, it is something you just learn to deal with every day. And this family has definitely learned to deal with it our way. Whether it be dark humor or emotions, we have made our own play book for sure.

When my friend reached out to me with her "cancer scare", I immediately went into cancer girl support. Give me the details. What are the doctors saying. Test results. Fears. Worries. Who to tell. Who to talk to. Etc.... And nothing is worse than getting this all on a Friday and having to sit with it all weekend. I do believe doctors should too get weekends but man does the waiting FUCKING SUCK!  As we took it step by step, whatever calm could come over her, came over her to the best that she could control. And she rocked it. Having been there so many times, she rocked it! And the even better part of the story is that she is/was cancer free. A scare is exactly what it was but something that all to often happens to way to many. 

So as Ryan and I were walking through Central Park a few weeks later (sounds like it is a scene from a movie), we were discussing the results of my recent doctors appointment, and we realized how normal the scares are for us but not for so many. We talked about how our friends were realizing that one day everything was fine and the next day, it could all change. And I know that people say that all the time. We are so lucky. Blessed. Fortunate. Whatever your word is. But until your life is turned upside down or you have that scare, I don't think you really get it. And I hope you never have to "get it"!

I wanted to stop people in Central Park (probably not the best place to do that) and tell them to not take life for granted. To live. To make the call. Take the trip. Tell everyone you love, you love them. I wanted to tell my friends to hold on to this moment of relief. Hold on to each other. Don't take this moment for granted. And I am so sad and sorry they had to go through this but I also know they will forever be changed and grateful.

There are so many sayings and things out there that tell you to live life and all that crap. And I know for a fact that I have shared them. But this life is no joke my peeps. This life is something special and it really is worth it. When we tell people how many times I have had cancer or that it started when I was 15, the facial expressions of sadness and not knowing what to say is definitely normal. But don't be sad for me. You can think and feel that it sucks, cause it fucking sucks. But I have an amazing life. A life I never knew possible and one that continues to surprise me with it's many twist and turns. And some of those twist and turns involve cancer. Some include friends and families. Trips and laughter. Love and memories. Sadness and hardship. But this is my life. I don't know a life without cancer so I can't tell you what that life looks like. But I can tell you that I know I live my life to the fullest. Sometimes probably a little to full =), but I have no regrets.

Soooooooooooo..... As the cliches go... Live your life as if there is no tomorrow. Love like you have nothing to lose. Have no damn regrets my peeps. Some may not be as lucky as my sweet friend. Some don't have my luck. Some have to live everyday with this awful disease. Some have to live every day without their loved ones. Some live in fear. I have no idea what this life will continue to bring my way. But I do know that whatever it is, I will be ok. Because I am living this life to the fullest.

I so enjoy being there for my peeps and hope that you all will continue to come my way to allow me to help you through this crazy life. We all have our shit. And big or small, it is all worth fighting for. And it makes me feel like my cancer journey has a purpose and a reason. Which on a bad day, gives me my fight. And on a good day, gives me even more strength. 

So hang on to this life. Have no regrets. Say I love you every fucking day. Be proud of yourself. Do you!

And know....Krissie is always here. Every step of the way. My only disclaimer is "What you see and hear, is exactly what you are going to get!" =)

Beautifully broken....

 She made broken look beautiful 

and strong look invincible.

She walked with the universe on her shoulders 

and make it look like a pair of 

wings.

 I am learning to love the broken pieces of myself. The unfixable. The permanent. The new normal. The unhealed scars. It is not an easy process, but something that is so important.

I have been pretty quiet on here. Sometimes, no news is good news. Other times, it is "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all" situation. I think it is definitely a combination of both.

This past year has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. Blessing and set backs. But I am not going to complain ( at least at this moment =)), because it could definitely be worse! I am taking the broken pieces and putting them all back together. I do love a good puzzle and there has never been a puzzle I couldn't finish. Besides the time my damn dog ate the last piece of a 40000 piece puzzle. But that is definitely a story for another day! =)

I have been told more times in my life than I would like, what my limitations are and what I should and should not do. This body of mine has a mind of its own and we don't always see eye to eye. I have worked through cancer and pain for so long, that telling me new limitations it not something I recommend. But I am also learning that I don't always get a say and we all know I love a say! 

Back in June I was hit with a pretty big "your fucked"! The body wasn't adjusting well to my past surgery and living in pain was just supposed to be the new normal. And while that may have taken me a bit to move past, I am fighting the "your fucked" and trying to turn that back around and say "Fuck You"! I am moving the body and doing everything I can to take the broken and glue those pieces back together. 

What they don't always tell you is that the thing that saves your life is also the thing that can kill you. It can change your entire life. But I am here and so we will take the new normal. We will take the "your fucked" and make it look beautiful. Life is way to short to be held back by things you can not change. Adjusting to the new normal is not always easy but it is doable. With the help of an amazing group of family and friends, it is all possible.

What I am also learning is that it is ok to be knocked down. I have always been one to bounce back pretty quickly and I think when things take a little longer to recover from, it can throw you. There is no rule book to how long it takes you to understand, grieve, process and find your new way. One persons experience or story is never the same as someone else's. Don't judge anyone for how they deal with what life is throwing them. We all have our shit and facebook and instagram may make it seem like we are all all smiles and rainbows. But behind every smile there are scars. And we must allow ourselves that time. I always tell my friends, you can be as real as you need to be with me. You want to fake it, I am there. You want to scream it out and cry, I am there. No judgement is what we all need. 

So as I put back the pieces or at least put some serious duct tape on them, I have once again decided to walk. And as always, I have Kim and an amazing group of gals beside me who continue to be there through this roller coaster of life. We will take on the streets of San Diego this November.  And as I navigate upcoming doctors appointments and procedures, I know that this pink bubble I put myself in, will give me strength along the way. I am not sure how far this body will go or how many steps and miles it will be able to do, but I do know whatever I can't do, my amazing group of gals will take over.

I have never been able to get through anything over the past 28 years without you all. Your love and support is the only reason I am still here fighting and pushing. It is why I have such a passion to help others and hopefully help even one person not have to go through what I and so many have gone through. So that no one has to say goodbye. No one has to feel that pain. No one has to glue the pieces back together.

I thank you for your support. Your patience. Your love. Your dedication. Your realness. 

I have no idea what is to come, but I know that even as it try's to break me, I will do it beautifully.

Thank you for your support always.

Krissie

https://www.the3day.org/site/Donation2?idb=696668379&df_id=6043&6043.donation=form1&FR_ID=2223&mfc_pref=T&PROXY_ID=8070701&PROXY_TYPE=20

3 days....60 miles....Done!

 We walk because we must. We are strong because

the journey demands it. Together in body and 

united in spirit, we laydown our footsteps for this

generation and the next. This is our promise"

A WORLD WITHOUT

BREAST CANCER

 It is hard to believe that just 3 weeks ago, I was in San Diego starting a 3 day walk that would definitely go down as the best walk ever. Now my body may not agree with me as I still recover, but it was worth every blister, muscle strain and a few toe nails. I shouldn't being wearing flip flops right now anyway so no one has to see those toes! =)

To say San Diego was beautiful, would be an understatement for sure. Walking along the coast. Seeing wildlife. The weather. The sunshine. The most welcoming community ever. Now the hills, not so much. I could go without the hills that were really straight up mountains but again, totally worth it.

This walk is incredibly special to me and to be able to do it with my dear friend Kim, made it even more special.  Not to say that there weren't times we looked at each other and asked ourselves "why are we doing this". But those only lasted for the those hills and nothing a few martinis wouldn't fix at the end of the day!

We went into this walk a little different than the ones before. We were allowing ourselves a little grace and said we would take it slow. And if we didn't walk it all, that is ok. BUT of course that is not how things went down. We walked every fucking mile and our bodies will tell you that for sure.

We were very lucky to have met a great group of gals who joined our pod at opening ceremonies. Now, we did warn them to enter our pod with caution and that we may or may not be what they were looking for. But lets be honest, once they met us, they were hooked! =) I mean who wouldn't be. We are loud, crazy, can definitely be bitchy. We can make you laugh and cry in the same sentence. I mean we are damn good catch if you ask me! =) But in all honesty, we met some lifelong friends for sure. And they definitely made this walk memorable and helped get us to that finish line. Truly memories that we will carry with us forever.

When you are walking 60 miles, you have a lot of time to think, feel, talk, cry and take it all in. This walk is therapy to me and was exactly what I needed. My body is not what it used to be and my cancer journey is a constant roller coaster. So I really try and take it all in. I allow myself to feel and think about my cancer journey and what is to come. I allow myself to mourn those who have passed. I allow myself to get mad and angry that cancer is such a huge part of my life and so many around me. I allow myself to cry (which I prefer to do in the comfort of my own closet). I know crying is ok but I have always tried to be so strong for everyone else, so these 3 days I really allow myself to process this crazy, hard ass life we live.

This walk is not just about walking 60 miles. It is about raising awareness. It is about meeting people along the way and sharing stories. We met so many amazing people along the way that it is hard to express what it all meant. I met someone who has a story that is so similar to mine that it was terrifying and amazing all at the same time. I was able to never feel alone. This is a pink bubble that makes you feel like you are just like everyone else and the stories will forever change your life.

As we finished the last day, we stopped and really took it in. The emotions at the end of 3 hard ass days of walking can be overwhelming to say the least. But they can also be the most amazing feel ever. I am asked all the time why I walk. I walk because this is my bubble. This is my time to really take it all in and try and heal from what cancer has and continues to do in my life and those I love. This walk has brought me lifelong friends who have seen me at my worst and hopefully my best too. This is a walk that reminds me that cancer has taken sooooo much from me but it has not taken my hope. Hope that this walk will end because there will be a cure and that no walks ever have to happen again.

So next year, we bring it back to Chicago! And we got one hell of a team coming our way. We got peeps coming from all over to make this walk even more incredible.

Best of all, we have my Hailey. Hailey will be walking with us next year so if I thought I was a hot mess this year, God help me next year. 

From meeting new friends, walking all 60 miles, the amazing community and all of your support along the way, I thank you. I thank you for letting me be me and for taking this journey with me. Kim, there are no words to put what these 3 days meant to me but I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The body will recover and we will be ready for next year in Chicago. I encourage you to join us. I mean who wouldn't want to walk 20 miles a day, drink several cosmos after and wake up and do it all over again! =)  Doesn't get better than this!

I will continue to fight and I will continue to walk. Thank you for all your help.

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/?px=8070701&pg=personal&fr_id=2161&s_src=boundlessfundraising&s_subsrc=bfSocFbPfMsg

Coping....

 I am here, I am here

I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear

I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near

I am here, I am here

All of this wrong, but I'm still right here

I don't have the answers, but the questions is clear

(Pink)

As I try process life over the last few months, I am reminded that we are all trying to process and cope what life has thrown us over the last year. Some worse then others, but we are all feeling something similar. We are all trying to cope. And coping can come in all different sizes and all different dynamics. Some our coping with the loss ( which is unbearable). Some are coping with a new normal. Some are coping with the old they don't understand. Some are coping with new obstacles that are unfair and hard. Some are coping with something they have been coping with for years but trying to understand. Some are coping alone and others are coping with a friend or loved one. Either way, coping is not always easy. If you ask me, it is never easy. It is fucking coping and coping means "figuring out ways to deal with or work around these challenges. It is the way that we adjust to the difficulties or disappointments that come our way."

The song in the beginning of this is, I am Here by Pink, For whatever reason, this song has hit hard to me the last couple of months and I am reminded that I am here. Whatever the means. I am here. It means something different for everyone, but for me, I am here and I am fighting another day to continue to be here. 

We all have ways of coping. I have no judgement on how one copes with the bullshit that is thrown ones way. But for me, I try and find what works for me. It is not always the healthiest and I can guarantee you that it takes some convincing on the doctor side, but my doctors know me and know what they can push and what they can't. They also know what my heart and mind need and what my body can take. And I attempt to listen in all my stubbornness the best I can... as hard as that can be at times. 

October always allows me to take a step back a reflect. And this October (if i am being honest) I have tried to bury all and every feeling. October is Breast Cancer Awareness month as I prepare for 60 miles in San Diego in less then 20 days, I am reminded why this can be so hard and I give myself grace to feel all the feelings I never allowed myself to feel.  

a little side story....

We( and I mean me, Ryan and our kids) have moved around a little bit trying to find our path. We hit some bottoms ( and some highs) and we found our way back. We recently have said  goodbye to a home that as Ryan and I were saying goodbye too, described it as the home that " brought our family back together".  And as I look back at that time, I am reminded of what that means. We all have times and experiences that were challenging and felt impossible. But in those times, we have all found our way back to the sunlight. Even when it felt ( or feels) impossible. There is always hope. Always.

I know some don't get why one would walk 60 miles or why I would walk 60 miles when my body shouldn't. 

What I need you to know is that I AM HERE because of this walk. This walk saved my heart and my soul when I was at my lowest. This walk taught me who I really was and taught me that my story, my cancer, can help and impact the lives of others. And for that I am forever grateful.

Telling my story and opening my journey and heart has opened my world up to an enormous amount of love and support along the way. It has also brought me loss that I don't understand and I still don't know how to process. But that is cancer. An unfair, unknowing and selfish disease that no one should have to learn how to deal with. It is the club I don't ever want to initiate anyone into. But once you are here, we got you. 

I got cancer at 15. I am now 41 ( yikes). And cancer has followed me every step of the way. Showing it's ugly head along the way without any concern for me or my family. But it is why I still fight. I am more emotional then I was a years ago but that is ok. This is my life and I am learning to feel, process and cope as life throws its punches at me. But I make no apologizes for how I cope. Life is fucking short as hell and we are taking in every breath we can. I (we) have lost ones that I don't know how to cope with but try and find a way. And the only thing I know they would want me to do, is to keep fucking fighting and walking and talking and supporting and coping....

So as I try and cope with the world and the world of cancer, I thank each and every one of you who has supported me along the way. This walk, is something I needed and is something I don't know if my body can handle. But what I do know is that this walk 13 years ago brought me back to life and I know it will carry me back to life. I had to take a break from it a few years back and didn't think I could ever come back, but all of you have shown me that with your support, you will carry me through the finish line.

As the tears stream down my face, I thank you for always showing me my strength and reminding me we can do anything together.

This is not just for me...... This is for all those we have lost and all who are fighting and continue to fight.

But I am here, I am here

I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear

Know that I'll be ready when the devil is near

'Cause I am here, I am here

All of this wrong, but I'm still right here

I don't have the answers, but the questions is clear