3 days....60 miles....Done!

 We walk because we must. We are strong because

the journey demands it. Together in body and 

united in spirit, we laydown our footsteps for this

generation and the next. This is our promise"

A WORLD WITHOUT

BREAST CANCER

 It is hard to believe that just 3 weeks ago, I was in San Diego starting a 3 day walk that would definitely go down as the best walk ever. Now my body may not agree with me as I still recover, but it was worth every blister, muscle strain and a few toe nails. I shouldn't being wearing flip flops right now anyway so no one has to see those toes! =)

To say San Diego was beautiful, would be an understatement for sure. Walking along the coast. Seeing wildlife. The weather. The sunshine. The most welcoming community ever. Now the hills, not so much. I could go without the hills that were really straight up mountains but again, totally worth it.

This walk is incredibly special to me and to be able to do it with my dear friend Kim, made it even more special.  Not to say that there weren't times we looked at each other and asked ourselves "why are we doing this". But those only lasted for the those hills and nothing a few martinis wouldn't fix at the end of the day!

We went into this walk a little different than the ones before. We were allowing ourselves a little grace and said we would take it slow. And if we didn't walk it all, that is ok. BUT of course that is not how things went down. We walked every fucking mile and our bodies will tell you that for sure.

We were very lucky to have met a great group of gals who joined our pod at opening ceremonies. Now, we did warn them to enter our pod with caution and that we may or may not be what they were looking for. But lets be honest, once they met us, they were hooked! =) I mean who wouldn't be. We are loud, crazy, can definitely be bitchy. We can make you laugh and cry in the same sentence. I mean we are damn good catch if you ask me! =) But in all honesty, we met some lifelong friends for sure. And they definitely made this walk memorable and helped get us to that finish line. Truly memories that we will carry with us forever.

When you are walking 60 miles, you have a lot of time to think, feel, talk, cry and take it all in. This walk is therapy to me and was exactly what I needed. My body is not what it used to be and my cancer journey is a constant roller coaster. So I really try and take it all in. I allow myself to feel and think about my cancer journey and what is to come. I allow myself to mourn those who have passed. I allow myself to get mad and angry that cancer is such a huge part of my life and so many around me. I allow myself to cry (which I prefer to do in the comfort of my own closet). I know crying is ok but I have always tried to be so strong for everyone else, so these 3 days I really allow myself to process this crazy, hard ass life we live.

This walk is not just about walking 60 miles. It is about raising awareness. It is about meeting people along the way and sharing stories. We met so many amazing people along the way that it is hard to express what it all meant. I met someone who has a story that is so similar to mine that it was terrifying and amazing all at the same time. I was able to never feel alone. This is a pink bubble that makes you feel like you are just like everyone else and the stories will forever change your life.

As we finished the last day, we stopped and really took it in. The emotions at the end of 3 hard ass days of walking can be overwhelming to say the least. But they can also be the most amazing feel ever. I am asked all the time why I walk. I walk because this is my bubble. This is my time to really take it all in and try and heal from what cancer has and continues to do in my life and those I love. This walk has brought me lifelong friends who have seen me at my worst and hopefully my best too. This is a walk that reminds me that cancer has taken sooooo much from me but it has not taken my hope. Hope that this walk will end because there will be a cure and that no walks ever have to happen again.

So next year, we bring it back to Chicago! And we got one hell of a team coming our way. We got peeps coming from all over to make this walk even more incredible.

Best of all, we have my Hailey. Hailey will be walking with us next year so if I thought I was a hot mess this year, God help me next year. 

From meeting new friends, walking all 60 miles, the amazing community and all of your support along the way, I thank you. I thank you for letting me be me and for taking this journey with me. Kim, there are no words to put what these 3 days meant to me but I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The body will recover and we will be ready for next year in Chicago. I encourage you to join us. I mean who wouldn't want to walk 20 miles a day, drink several cosmos after and wake up and do it all over again! =)  Doesn't get better than this!

I will continue to fight and I will continue to walk. Thank you for all your help.

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/?px=8070701&pg=personal&fr_id=2161&s_src=boundlessfundraising&s_subsrc=bfSocFbPfMsg

Coping....

 I am here, I am here

I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear

I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near

I am here, I am here

All of this wrong, but I'm still right here

I don't have the answers, but the questions is clear

(Pink)

As I try process life over the last few months, I am reminded that we are all trying to process and cope what life has thrown us over the last year. Some worse then others, but we are all feeling something similar. We are all trying to cope. And coping can come in all different sizes and all different dynamics. Some our coping with the loss ( which is unbearable). Some are coping with a new normal. Some are coping with the old they don't understand. Some are coping with new obstacles that are unfair and hard. Some are coping with something they have been coping with for years but trying to understand. Some are coping alone and others are coping with a friend or loved one. Either way, coping is not always easy. If you ask me, it is never easy. It is fucking coping and coping means "figuring out ways to deal with or work around these challenges. It is the way that we adjust to the difficulties or disappointments that come our way."

The song in the beginning of this is, I am Here by Pink, For whatever reason, this song has hit hard to me the last couple of months and I am reminded that I am here. Whatever the means. I am here. It means something different for everyone, but for me, I am here and I am fighting another day to continue to be here. 

We all have ways of coping. I have no judgement on how one copes with the bullshit that is thrown ones way. But for me, I try and find what works for me. It is not always the healthiest and I can guarantee you that it takes some convincing on the doctor side, but my doctors know me and know what they can push and what they can't. They also know what my heart and mind need and what my body can take. And I attempt to listen in all my stubbornness the best I can... as hard as that can be at times. 

October always allows me to take a step back a reflect. And this October (if i am being honest) I have tried to bury all and every feeling. October is Breast Cancer Awareness month as I prepare for 60 miles in San Diego in less then 20 days, I am reminded why this can be so hard and I give myself grace to feel all the feelings I never allowed myself to feel.  

a little side story....

We( and I mean me, Ryan and our kids) have moved around a little bit trying to find our path. We hit some bottoms ( and some highs) and we found our way back. We recently have said  goodbye to a home that as Ryan and I were saying goodbye too, described it as the home that " brought our family back together".  And as I look back at that time, I am reminded of what that means. We all have times and experiences that were challenging and felt impossible. But in those times, we have all found our way back to the sunlight. Even when it felt ( or feels) impossible. There is always hope. Always.

I know some don't get why one would walk 60 miles or why I would walk 60 miles when my body shouldn't. 

What I need you to know is that I AM HERE because of this walk. This walk saved my heart and my soul when I was at my lowest. This walk taught me who I really was and taught me that my story, my cancer, can help and impact the lives of others. And for that I am forever grateful.

Telling my story and opening my journey and heart has opened my world up to an enormous amount of love and support along the way. It has also brought me loss that I don't understand and I still don't know how to process. But that is cancer. An unfair, unknowing and selfish disease that no one should have to learn how to deal with. It is the club I don't ever want to initiate anyone into. But once you are here, we got you. 

I got cancer at 15. I am now 41 ( yikes). And cancer has followed me every step of the way. Showing it's ugly head along the way without any concern for me or my family. But it is why I still fight. I am more emotional then I was a years ago but that is ok. This is my life and I am learning to feel, process and cope as life throws its punches at me. But I make no apologizes for how I cope. Life is fucking short as hell and we are taking in every breath we can. I (we) have lost ones that I don't know how to cope with but try and find a way. And the only thing I know they would want me to do, is to keep fucking fighting and walking and talking and supporting and coping....

So as I try and cope with the world and the world of cancer, I thank each and every one of you who has supported me along the way. This walk, is something I needed and is something I don't know if my body can handle. But what I do know is that this walk 13 years ago brought me back to life and I know it will carry me back to life. I had to take a break from it a few years back and didn't think I could ever come back, but all of you have shown me that with your support, you will carry me through the finish line.

As the tears stream down my face, I thank you for always showing me my strength and reminding me we can do anything together.

This is not just for me...... This is for all those we have lost and all who are fighting and continue to fight.

But I am here, I am here

I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear

Know that I'll be ready when the devil is near

'Cause I am here, I am here

All of this wrong, but I'm still right here

I don't have the answers, but the questions is clear

So I did a thing.....

                                                     So I did a thing.....

To say it has been one hell of a year (and I mean the last 12 months) would be understatement for sure. And I know that everyone has had that kind of year as well. Some worse then others, but we have all had that year!

So as I try to find meaning and purpose in this last year, I did a thing. And when I say a thing, I mean a big thing!

It was almost 14 years ago when I signed up for my first Susan G Komen 60 mile, 3 day walk. I first signed up because after dealing with cancer for so many years, I wanted to do something that I felt would make a difference. Not knowing that when I signed up, I would be diagnosed with breast cancer and be undergoing chemo while doing my first walk. And that walk changed my life forever. It healed me and tested me in ways that I never knew possible. And 9 walks and years later, I had to hang those walking shoes and stop walking because my body couldn't do it any more. One of the hardest things ever because for me this walk helped  through some of the toughest times in my life. But I knew that my health and my doctors voices, had to come first. But...... it is time to try this again! 

This past year has been one of the hardest years of my life. And I have dealt with cancer for 25 years! There is covid, which pretty much speaks for itself with it's name. My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My dad was diagnosed with Leukemia. My husband had 2 hip surgery's where one almost killed him with blood clots. My health has been on hold due to covid but isn't stopping me from anything. We have lost loved ones and had to mourn in our own ways. We have all been separated from our families and our friends for way too long. So needless to say, I am in need of some therapy! Therapy that comes in a walking 60 miles. Crazy? Fuck Yes! But worth it! Hell yes!

I have always known that life is short. I lived that for too long. But this year has only reminded me that life is FUCKING short peeps! And we have no idea what will come next. At a moment, you entire life can change. I have watched and felt the lose of loved ones taken too soon. I have seen and felt the heartbreak of the diagnosis no one ever wants to get. I have felt the heartbreak and I have celebrated the milestones. And as I try to find the meaning in what life if throwing me, I find comfort in the community I have around me and know that with you all, no matter what, we will get through this.

It may not make sense to many of you and I am ok with that. We all have our outlets. But as I am reaching and searching for meaning, I am going to back to what helped me through some of the toughest times of my life and I am going to walk to find purpose and make a difference. I am beyond blessed to have my girl Kim walking with me. And together, we will conquer these miles together along with a community that is walking to make a difference. 

We all know cancer in one way or another. I know cancer in a way that no one should ever know. And for those I have walked with and those who have walked with me, this one is for you. This will be hard. My body will fight me every step of the way. But FUCK YOU CANCER, because you will not get in the way of this fight and this walk. I will need your strength and your support but I know with you all, I can do anything.

Thank you for always being there and supporting me always!

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2021/ChicagoEvent2021?px=8070701&pg=personal&fr_id=2080