Life is too short to not enjoy every moment...

 "Be thankful for today,

because in one moment,

your entire life could change."

What a fucking year! Not really any other way to say it and there is no need to sugar coat 2020!

I have always been honest and open and this blog will be no different. As I struggle to find my words and process what is happening, I find comfort in writing and find hope in the words I share with you all.

I have truly lived my life differently than most people. When you get cancer at 15, there is no way it doesn't change how you live your life. And since it has decided to follow me for the last 25 years, I have definitely not taken life for granted. But even in knowing that life is short and that life should never be taken for granted, you can still get reminded just how quickly life can change in an instant. And when it does, it fucking stops you in your tracks!

We have all been living in this COVID world for months now and we have all struggled in our own way with that. Some, it has hit closer to home and others from a distance. But everyone has struggled and everyone's life has been affected. At times, I found comfort in knowing that everyone was going through something similar. Sure there were and are different levels but we were all going through something and some how that gave me comfort at times. A very different feeling from cancer that is for sure!

Since cancer has been such a huge part of my life, I never really think it can knock my ass down because I am stronger then cancer. But even the strong break sometimes(at least that is what I am learning). I am pretty good with dealing with my cancer and my health. Good, bad, ugly, painful and never ending but I fight everyday and that to me is easy compared to a loved one getting cancer. That has stopped me dead in my tracks and as I try and navigate through this, I struggle but hold on to hope everyday.

Now I have walked through cancer with many, many, many people that I hold near and dear to my heart. Some we have lost along the way and others I get to meet for drinks with every month and give them a big squeeze. The ones we have lost, I struggle for understanding but I honor them everyday and I take their fight on to help others. The ones that I get to see often, I treasure and am reminded that we must celebrate the moments, good and bad, because life is short and should be celebrated. But this one is different for me and I am navigating a new road that is bumpy, unknown, fucking unfair, hard and challenging. 

I have more knowledge then I would like when it comes to cancer and cancer is my thing! I know that sounds fucking crazy, but it is! I get cancer. It's my thing. It has been my thing for 20 plus years and will be my thing for 100 more. I don't care how old you are, 5, 15, 20, 40, 60 ,70, it doesn't matter. No one should have to fight this fucking disease. It makes no sense and it comes out of no where. As a patient, you are constantly doing and fighting the cancer away. As a loved one, you have to sit back and watch and wait and I fucking hate waiting! Do not get me wrong, without my family and friends, I would not be here today. The support you give and the love you send, gives me strength everyday. But it is different. I have always said I would much rather be the patient than the caregiver because being the patient is hard enough but being the loved one is fucking hard as shit and that is something I am struggling with.

But, as I try to make my glass half full ( and not just with vodka =)), I know that my cancer journey can help this new journey we are all on. I believe that there is a reason for my journey and maybe this is it. Every time I have started a new journey with someone on this road, I have been able to help in ways others can't. Sometimes it makes it harder on my side but it doesn't matter because it is soooooo fucking worth it. I truly believe that so many of my cancer peeps have helped me more than I have helped them. And for that I am forever grateful.

So today I remind you that life is short. And in these uncertain and crazy times, I remind you to hold onto hope. Spend more time with your family and friends. (Safely of course). Eat the foods that you love. Take that trip you have always wanted to. Cherish the moments you have. Do something you have always wanted to do but have been afraid to do so. Maybe jump out of a plane =). Do what is on your bucket list. Forgive. Laugh. Smile. Love. And always remember you are stronger then you think and that you can do this and anything with the love and support of your peeps.

Cancer is so limited…

It cannot cripple love.

It cannot shatter hope.

It cannot corrode faith.

It cannot eat away peace.

It cannot destroy confidence.

It cannot kill friendship.

It cannot shut out memories.

It cannot silence courage.

It cannot reduce eternal life.

It cannot quench the Spirit.

#FUCK CANCER

Advice from the other side.

When someone

has cancer,

the whole family

& everyone who 

loves them does

too.

A good friend of Ryan's recently reached out to him asking if he had any advice to offer on his wife's recent recurrence with cancer. Ryan's answer to him brought me to tears and touched my heart in so many ways that I asked him if I could share it. Because I think of how hard this cancer journey has been for Ryan everyday and know that this man is my rock and that I would not be here today, without him. So take a second and read through this and have your heart touched and be reminded that we are all in this together.

Ryan writes....

First, that sucks. 

That sucks for her.  That sucks for you.  That sucks for your families.  It just sucks.  Anyone who says otherwise is an asshole.

Second, you already know what she needs.

Your presence

Your patience, even when she is cranky/bitchy/unreasonable/bat-shit-crazy

Your help in fighting the evil-soulless-mother-fuckers who work at the insurance company

A hug at random times

Occasional love notes left in the bathroom that tell her she’s sexy

For you to tell her that you are 100% confident that everything will be fine, even when you aren’t sure and she knows you are lying (especially if you aren’t sure and she knows that you are lying!)

To drive around together with the windows down singing at the top of your lungs to obnoxious 90’s music.  If you aren’t sure where to start, I recommend “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-Lot.

Chocolate ice cream at midnight (the good shit that costs $8 for a small container)

To get angry at cancer.  Buy matching “fuck cancer” clothing (https://store.letsfcancer.com/) And wear it around proudly.  When strangers in public give you the “knowing nod” give them the nod back.  When strangers in public give you a nasty look for wearing clothing with a naughty word on it, allow yourself to think, “Fuck you for being more offended at cuss words than you are at human suffering!”  Feel a little self-righteous.  You earned it.

Spontaneous date nights.  Spend as much as you can.  If you can’t afford nice, still go on date-night, even if it is to the Mexican joint on the corner that serves $1 draft beer and $3 heartburn appetizers from 3-4:30pm on Mon-Thur.

To know that you will be by her side no matter what happens (nausea, hair loss, surgeries, etc.).  To know that there is not a single possible scenario in the whole fucking universe where you aren’t right by her side.  She is going to need this frequently and at random moments and in different ways (tell her verbally, write it down, learn fucking sign language or hire a pilot to fly around with a banner in the sky if you have to).

Third, you already know what you need to do to make sure you have the stamina to go the distance (because marathons are for pussies).

Eat healthy (except the midnight ice cream) even when you just want to eat a whole fucking funnel-cake by yourself because “What the fuck does it matter anyways?”

Exercise even when it seems irrelevant

Get sleep, even when you have an endless list of things that have to get done

Don’t overwork yourself, even if it is your coping mechanism

Fourth, find meaning. 

Victor Frankl (psychologist who survived 4 concentration camps and wrote “Man’s search for meaning”) said, “Suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds meaning.  Such is the meaning of sacrifice.”

It isn’t for me to find your meaning.  You have to do it on your own.

Maybe you feel closer to God/Allah/Krishna.  Maybe you look up into the night sky, see a hundred billion stars, and smile.  Maybe you watch a romantic comedy and say, “That’s my fucking life.”  Maybe you feel mortality in a way that few people our age do and you stand around with the fucking tourists and gawk at the stupid cherry blossoms, because they are super cliché, but they are actually pretty fucking beautiful.  Maybe you feel like a knight storming the fucking castle to rescue the beautiful princess—which makes you feel like a bad-ass until you start to feel silly and childish, but then you say to yourself, “If I want to feel like a fucking knight on a white steed, I’m going to feel like a fucking-dragon-slaying-damsel-rescuing knight!!!”  Maybe you watch your wife sleep and time stops for an hour, leaving you grateful that you found each other in this big crazy world. 

You can’t really go looking for meanings (such is the nature of meaning).  You can only accept it, as the gift it is.  Don’t fight it.  And never feel guilty for it.  Just put out your hands and accept the sunlight as it overflows off your hands.

But, a warning:  Your wife has to find her own meaning.  Your meaning is yours alone…. And hers is only for her.  Don’t try to force yours upon her.  And when she tries to share her meaning, just smile and nod even if you don’t know what the fuck she’s talking about.

Fifth, don’t forget to breathe. 

I mean—LITERALLY—don’t forget to breathe.

Finally, know that I’m lobbing cancer-busting-hand-grenade prayers your way.

I asked God to send down a legion of black-ops-archangels to wage fucking jihad against those mutating cells.  If you see 10-foot tall glowing beings with wings (and bullet-proof vests) forming a perimeter around your house, that was from me.

peace,

Ryan

To my amazing husband, I love you and thank you for always allowing me to find my way, in my own time, with you always by my side. 

40....

"And in the end it's

not the years in your 

life that count. It's the 

life in you years. "

Today I turn 40!

I will worn you that at this exact moment, I have so many different emotions. Turning 40, I believe, is a milestone. For everyone. I know some say 40 is the new 30(which I will take) or that 40 isn't a big deal. BUT for me, 40 is something to celebrate and I am so glad I get to celebrate it with all of you.

Last night, my house filled with people that I love. Whether you were physically in my house or there with me in spirit, my house and my heart were filled with more love then I knew possible. 

This last year has been a roller coaster of emotions. Shit, my life has been a roller coaster of emotions! But it is my life and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. If there was a fucking bump in the road I hit, that bump only lead me to the next adventure and it built me to the person I am today. 

Cancer changes your life. It is brutal. It is unfair. It is heartbreaking. It is relentless. BUT I know that I am stronger then cancer because I am surrounded by amazing people who lift me up when I can't stand and when I looked around last night, I have never had more strength in my life.

There are so many things I want to say and so many emotions I could try and express but today I am going to just take in this moment. I have never liked birthdays. They have always been hard for me but I will say that 40 is the best birthday I have ever had. And as the bumps come in the years to come, I know that we will hit them together.

I truly love you all and thank you for filling my heart with so much love and giving me the strength to fight for another 40!

                                                                   FUCK CANCER