Dallas recap...another 60 miles done!

 "We don't know how strong you are,

until being strong is the only choice we have."

Dallas, you brought us more than we could have ever expected. Highest of highs and the lowest of lows. But, damn it, we did it!

Going into this walk, my body and health was not 100% but when is it ever, if you ask me! But this one was a little harder than others. Coming off of a not so great doctors appointment in New York, I went into this walk knowing it would challenging and emotional. I knew I may not be able to do it all but was going to try to do what I could and try and listen to my body. Which we all know is not something I do well! And as much as I needed to listen to my body, I needed to walk this walk. I asked my girls to help me get there and they did not fail! Which I knew they would have me but this weekend, they had me and my peeps in ways that I will forever be grateful!

This walk was already going to be emotional because we were doing the last walk of a dear friend. He has walked 35 walks and when I meet him in 2008, he forever changed my life. We both spoke at camp that year. Him talking about the loss of his beautiful wife and me telling my cancer fight. So us girls traveled to Dallas to share this amazing moment with him. And through the streets of Dallas and Fort Worth, we brought the laughter, the tears, the inappropriate and memories every step of the way. I am forever grateful to be able to share this walk with him.

As we reunited with all of our peeps, it was as if not time had passed. We just picked up right where we left off and the bond only grew stronger as we walked another 60 miles. We could have never expected what was going to come our way, over those 3 days but together, we held on to each other tightly and never let go.

So many people ask me why I walk and why Susan G Komen. I know everyone has their own opinion and views on what Komen is and does. And you are all allowed to have that. But this walk has always had a special place in my heart and is definitely one of the reasons I am here today. What I didn't know, was what this walk could mean even more to me and provide a strength and purpose in ways you don't understand until you are walking the walk.

I was beyond happy to see friends who also came to Dallas for the same reasons. To walk and to say goodbye to a dear friend. But what we never expected was that along those 3 days, another dear friend would lose her sister, to breast cancer, while walking. Take a moment and process that. The unimaginable. The UNFKNBLVBL happened. And we got to be there during that moment. We got to walk with a bigger purpose than ever before. We got to actively do something while the worst was happening to her and her family. The emotions ran hard to say the least. I was honored and blessed to have met this beautiful sister in San Diego and to say she had an infectious smile and strength, is putting it mildly. She walked, raised money, raised awareness while having breast cancer. THAT IS WHY WE WALK!

We walked as the sun began to rise. A mist coming down. A chill in the air but the spirits were high. We walked through neighborhoods where to many halloween directions were still up. Where the sidewalks were uneven. Where statues of animals became our friends. Where the stores had pink ribbons on their windows to show their support. Where survivors, fighters and kids came out with signs of encouragement. 

We held hands. Laughed more than I have ever laughed before. Cried more than ever before. Held onto the moments we know won't last forever. We gathered together after spending the day walking together to share those moments. Cheersed each other with a few drinks ( or more than a few at times) and made sure to cheers to the ones that couldn't be with us. 

We surrounded ourselves in a pink bubble where you were excepted for exactly who you are. Each of us came to this walk for different reasons, but at the end, we were all there for the same reason. We were not individuals or separate teams, we were one family. And though the goodbyes were hard, we are all still together.

I am fortunate and blessed to have this gift of cancer. Sounds fucked up, doesn't it? Well, it is what it is peeps. Having fought cancer since I was 15, I have learned a few things along the way and for me, there has to be a reason I get to not only still be here, but a reason I got cancer in the first place. And that is to help others who unfortunately hear the words " you have cancer". The worst words and they never get easier to hear. I should expect to hear "cancer" when I got to the doctor. But it never gets easier.                  

But, I am able to help others going through this shitty disease. And I hate to be good at this particular thing, but I have been able to help those going through cancer. I have been able to guide them in a direction. I have been able to cry and scream with them. I have been able to celebrate the successes and I have been able to help them transition to the other side. It can can a toll on the emotions and bring my own health to the surface. A health I like to bury as much as I can but is healthy to deal with. This is my purpose. My reason. My heart. And the friends I have made along the way, are life changing. Some I have lost along the way and some get I get to celebrate the milestones with. But all in my heart for sure.

So I want to take this time to thank everyone who supported me. Without you, I couldn't do this. The donations, the texts, calls and letters sent our way during this weekend, gave me the strength to keep going. Hearing from those near and far, I am forever grateful.

To my girls, I couldn't do this without you. You allow me to be me. Crazy, loud, scared, sad, happy, funny and as I am. I am forever grateful.

To my dear friend, I do not have words. So I will say " see you soon and I love and thank you!"

To my other dear friend, your strength, courage and purpose will be something I will forever hold on to. Being able to share this moment and be there for you, is something I will forever hold on to. You are stuck with us now! =)

To Kim, I can't thank you enough for continuing to do this walk with me. The moments we share and experience everyday and then to be able to do this walk with you, I am beyond grateful. I love you and thank you for always supporting me on my crazy adventures even when they aren't the smartest! San Diego, here we come.

To my family, thank you for supporting me and giving me the time I need to do this walk. And even when I come home a little sore, slower and tired, you support me and I couldn't do this without you!

Sooooooooo......... remember my peeps that we all have a reason we do things. We all have a purpose. Love each other. Live as if everyday is your last. You never know when your entire life will turn upside down. Life is too fucking short to be judge people, hate people, not reach out, not say I love you and not take the time with your peeps! 

I will continue to walk... even if I can't walk it all, I will try. And I will surround myself with my people. I will continue to help in any way I can. I will continue to fight. I will continue to spread my purpose.

FUCK CANCER!

Love you all!

A day I always hoped I would see...

In my daughter's eyes

I am a hero

I am strong and wise

And I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see

She was sent to rescue me

I see who I want to be

In my daughter's eyes

I am not sure how this day came and went so quickly. It seems like we have been planning this special day forever. So how did it sneak up on me? How did it come so quickly? How is my baby girl getting married? How is it over already?

BUT it was freaking AMAZING and I could not be more excited, emotional, happy, proud and down right giddy to have watched my sweet Hailey marry her prince charming! 

This is a day that every mother dreams of for her child. A day that is surrounded with love and happiness. Where the fairy tale comes true and everyone lives happily ever after. A day that brings me so much joy but always stirs a huge pot of emotions that I buried way down deep, in hopes of never being discovered. And once you stir that pot, it is hard to make it stop.

I will be honest. I was hesitant to write this blog in fear of it being taken too dark or misunderstood. And after having a conversation with Hailey, I realized that this is our story and sharing this should be done with no fear and and no misunderstanding. This is the life I have lived and shared so I am definitely not going to stop now.

When I was 15 and newly diagnosed with cancer, I didn't think about my future with kids and what that would entail. At 15, I thought about how I could cram a shit ton of life into a short period of time. And as I have been blessed to have that time prolonged, I continue to cram as much of life in as I can. And I think I have passed that on to my kids. Something I hope they would have had whether or not they had a mom with cancer or not but nevertheless, they have it!

So as I got older and my kids grew older as well, I did what any mom would do. Think about their kids futures. Their careers and where they would live. Who they would marry and when they would have kids. What type of life they would build for themselves and where they would travel. All the things that parents think of as their kids get older. Along with some worry of course, but knowing they have support every step of the way. 

But along the way, I also had fear. Fear that one does not speak of. Fear that if spoken about, maybe it can be real. Fear that I am sure my people know I have. Fear I am sure my children have but wouldn't want to share with me. Fear that I will miss the moments. Big, small, FUCKING HUGE and tiny. Any and every moment. Because as a parent who has been sick my entire children's life (on and off), how can I not think about that. 

I am not sure how often I have thought about the moments I would maybe miss because of cancer but I can tell you it is enough to make a girl a little crazy =)( in the best way of course). And one of those moments I feared I may not see some day, was my kids getting married. It was a reality and a fear but it also gave me the strength and the fight. Because last Saturday I got to watch the most beautiful bride walk down the aisle and marry her best friend. I got to witness the strength and love the two of them have for each other and sit in awe of them both. I got to be there while my daughter got married! Yep! You heard that right peeps.... Hailey and Declan are married and I could not be happier!

As the emotions calm. As the feet recover from being in heels for too damn long. As the sleep deprivation fades. As the stress goes away and we all settle back into life, I am filled with so much love and hope. So much determination and belief that life may not always be easy and the fight is long from over, But damn..... is it worth it.

A dear friend of mine send this to me.

"This is something that will be imbedded in my mind forever. Your pure joy, delight and excitement!

I think of all the times when you were fighting the ultimate battle to get to the next day, how many times you thought “I want to see my kids graduate, go to college, get married…”

And here you are!

The brave, fierce, phenomenal woman who looked defiance in the face and said “suck it”. "

I thank you for sharing this with me and for capturing a moment that will forever be imbedded into my heart and mind forever.

So to each and everyone of you, hold on to the moments. Treasure your time together. Love so fucking hard and laugh every chance you can. Take the trip. Eat the damn cake(or fries in my case). Make the time. Say I love you every day. Have no regrets. Fight like hell and never ever lose hope. Life with cancer can try and take all that away. BUT we can fight as hard as we can to make sure to hold on to everything we can.

I love you all and thank you for being my strength and hope always.

And to the most amazing newlyweds, Let's get this party started! =)

 

In an instant...

 Be thankful for today,

because in one

moment, your entire     

life can change.

I recently had a friend reach out to me with a health scare. Something that happens often since I pretty much have my own "Krissie Cancer PHD". But this one hit me a little different. Maybe due to circumstances in my own world. Maybe because it hit a little too close to home. Maybe it was an emotional day. No matter what the reason was, it was something I feel that is important to share.

I have dealt with cancer since I was 15. And even though recently I realized I was 44 now and not 43 like I had thought in my head, that's a long fucking time to have this shadow that follows me where ever I go. But none the less, it is something you just learn to deal with every day. And this family has definitely learned to deal with it our way. Whether it be dark humor or emotions, we have made our own play book for sure.

When my friend reached out to me with her "cancer scare", I immediately went into cancer girl support. Give me the details. What are the doctors saying. Test results. Fears. Worries. Who to tell. Who to talk to. Etc.... And nothing is worse than getting this all on a Friday and having to sit with it all weekend. I do believe doctors should too get weekends but man does the waiting FUCKING SUCK!  As we took it step by step, whatever calm could come over her, came over her to the best that she could control. And she rocked it. Having been there so many times, she rocked it! And the even better part of the story is that she is/was cancer free. A scare is exactly what it was but something that all to often happens to way to many. 

So as Ryan and I were walking through Central Park a few weeks later (sounds like it is a scene from a movie), we were discussing the results of my recent doctors appointment, and we realized how normal the scares are for us but not for so many. We talked about how our friends were realizing that one day everything was fine and the next day, it could all change. And I know that people say that all the time. We are so lucky. Blessed. Fortunate. Whatever your word is. But until your life is turned upside down or you have that scare, I don't think you really get it. And I hope you never have to "get it"!

I wanted to stop people in Central Park (probably not the best place to do that) and tell them to not take life for granted. To live. To make the call. Take the trip. Tell everyone you love, you love them. I wanted to tell my friends to hold on to this moment of relief. Hold on to each other. Don't take this moment for granted. And I am so sad and sorry they had to go through this but I also know they will forever be changed and grateful.

There are so many sayings and things out there that tell you to live life and all that crap. And I know for a fact that I have shared them. But this life is no joke my peeps. This life is something special and it really is worth it. When we tell people how many times I have had cancer or that it started when I was 15, the facial expressions of sadness and not knowing what to say is definitely normal. But don't be sad for me. You can think and feel that it sucks, cause it fucking sucks. But I have an amazing life. A life I never knew possible and one that continues to surprise me with it's many twist and turns. And some of those twist and turns involve cancer. Some include friends and families. Trips and laughter. Love and memories. Sadness and hardship. But this is my life. I don't know a life without cancer so I can't tell you what that life looks like. But I can tell you that I know I live my life to the fullest. Sometimes probably a little to full =), but I have no regrets.

Soooooooooooo..... As the cliches go... Live your life as if there is no tomorrow. Love like you have nothing to lose. Have no damn regrets my peeps. Some may not be as lucky as my sweet friend. Some don't have my luck. Some have to live everyday with this awful disease. Some have to live every day without their loved ones. Some live in fear. I have no idea what this life will continue to bring my way. But I do know that whatever it is, I will be ok. Because I am living this life to the fullest.

I so enjoy being there for my peeps and hope that you all will continue to come my way to allow me to help you through this crazy life. We all have our shit. And big or small, it is all worth fighting for. And it makes me feel like my cancer journey has a purpose and a reason. Which on a bad day, gives me my fight. And on a good day, gives me even more strength. 

So hang on to this life. Have no regrets. Say I love you every fucking day. Be proud of yourself. Do you!

And know....Krissie is always here. Every step of the way. My only disclaimer is "What you see and hear, is exactly what you are going to get!" =)