A day I always hoped I would see...

In my daughter's eyes

I am a hero

I am strong and wise

And I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see

She was sent to rescue me

I see who I want to be

In my daughter's eyes

I am not sure how this day came and went so quickly. It seems like we have been planning this special day forever. So how did it sneak up on me? How did it come so quickly? How is my baby girl getting married? How is it over already?

BUT it was freaking AMAZING and I could not be more excited, emotional, happy, proud and down right giddy to have watched my sweet Hailey marry her prince charming! 

This is a day that every mother dreams of for her child. A day that is surrounded with love and happiness. Where the fairy tale comes true and everyone lives happily ever after. A day that brings me so much joy but always stirs a huge pot of emotions that I buried way down deep, in hopes of never being discovered. And once you stir that pot, it is hard to make it stop.

I will be honest. I was hesitant to write this blog in fear of it being taken too dark or misunderstood. And after having a conversation with Hailey, I realized that this is our story and sharing this should be done with no fear and and no misunderstanding. This is the life I have lived and shared so I am definitely not going to stop now.

When I was 15 and newly diagnosed with cancer, I didn't think about my future with kids and what that would entail. At 15, I thought about how I could cram a shit ton of life into a short period of time. And as I have been blessed to have that time prolonged, I continue to cram as much of life in as I can. And I think I have passed that on to my kids. Something I hope they would have had whether or not they had a mom with cancer or not but nevertheless, they have it!

So as I got older and my kids grew older as well, I did what any mom would do. Think about their kids futures. Their careers and where they would live. Who they would marry and when they would have kids. What type of life they would build for themselves and where they would travel. All the things that parents think of as their kids get older. Along with some worry of course, but knowing they have support every step of the way. 

But along the way, I also had fear. Fear that one does not speak of. Fear that if spoken about, maybe it can be real. Fear that I am sure my people know I have. Fear I am sure my children have but wouldn't want to share with me. Fear that I will miss the moments. Big, small, FUCKING HUGE and tiny. Any and every moment. Because as a parent who has been sick my entire children's life (on and off), how can I not think about that. 

I am not sure how often I have thought about the moments I would maybe miss because of cancer but I can tell you it is enough to make a girl a little crazy =)( in the best way of course). And one of those moments I feared I may not see some day, was my kids getting married. It was a reality and a fear but it also gave me the strength and the fight. Because last Saturday I got to watch the most beautiful bride walk down the aisle and marry her best friend. I got to witness the strength and love the two of them have for each other and sit in awe of them both. I got to be there while my daughter got married! Yep! You heard that right peeps.... Hailey and Declan are married and I could not be happier!

As the emotions calm. As the feet recover from being in heels for too damn long. As the sleep deprivation fades. As the stress goes away and we all settle back into life, I am filled with so much love and hope. So much determination and belief that life may not always be easy and the fight is long from over, But damn..... is it worth it.

A dear friend of mine send this to me.

"This is something that will be imbedded in my mind forever. Your pure joy, delight and excitement!

I think of all the times when you were fighting the ultimate battle to get to the next day, how many times you thought “I want to see my kids graduate, go to college, get married…”

And here you are!

The brave, fierce, phenomenal woman who looked defiance in the face and said “suck it”. "

I thank you for sharing this with me and for capturing a moment that will forever be imbedded into my heart and mind forever.

So to each and everyone of you, hold on to the moments. Treasure your time together. Love so fucking hard and laugh every chance you can. Take the trip. Eat the damn cake(or fries in my case). Make the time. Say I love you every day. Have no regrets. Fight like hell and never ever lose hope. Life with cancer can try and take all that away. BUT we can fight as hard as we can to make sure to hold on to everything we can.

I love you all and thank you for being my strength and hope always.

And to the most amazing newlyweds, Let's get this party started! =)

 

In an instant...

 Be thankful for today,

because in one

moment, your entire     

life can change.

I recently had a friend reach out to me with a health scare. Something that happens often since I pretty much have my own "Krissie Cancer PHD". But this one hit me a little different. Maybe due to circumstances in my own world. Maybe because it hit a little too close to home. Maybe it was an emotional day. No matter what the reason was, it was something I feel that is important to share.

I have dealt with cancer since I was 15. And even though recently I realized I was 44 now and not 43 like I had thought in my head, that's a long fucking time to have this shadow that follows me where ever I go. But none the less, it is something you just learn to deal with every day. And this family has definitely learned to deal with it our way. Whether it be dark humor or emotions, we have made our own play book for sure.

When my friend reached out to me with her "cancer scare", I immediately went into cancer girl support. Give me the details. What are the doctors saying. Test results. Fears. Worries. Who to tell. Who to talk to. Etc.... And nothing is worse than getting this all on a Friday and having to sit with it all weekend. I do believe doctors should too get weekends but man does the waiting FUCKING SUCK!  As we took it step by step, whatever calm could come over her, came over her to the best that she could control. And she rocked it. Having been there so many times, she rocked it! And the even better part of the story is that she is/was cancer free. A scare is exactly what it was but something that all to often happens to way to many. 

So as Ryan and I were walking through Central Park a few weeks later (sounds like it is a scene from a movie), we were discussing the results of my recent doctors appointment, and we realized how normal the scares are for us but not for so many. We talked about how our friends were realizing that one day everything was fine and the next day, it could all change. And I know that people say that all the time. We are so lucky. Blessed. Fortunate. Whatever your word is. But until your life is turned upside down or you have that scare, I don't think you really get it. And I hope you never have to "get it"!

I wanted to stop people in Central Park (probably not the best place to do that) and tell them to not take life for granted. To live. To make the call. Take the trip. Tell everyone you love, you love them. I wanted to tell my friends to hold on to this moment of relief. Hold on to each other. Don't take this moment for granted. And I am so sad and sorry they had to go through this but I also know they will forever be changed and grateful.

There are so many sayings and things out there that tell you to live life and all that crap. And I know for a fact that I have shared them. But this life is no joke my peeps. This life is something special and it really is worth it. When we tell people how many times I have had cancer or that it started when I was 15, the facial expressions of sadness and not knowing what to say is definitely normal. But don't be sad for me. You can think and feel that it sucks, cause it fucking sucks. But I have an amazing life. A life I never knew possible and one that continues to surprise me with it's many twist and turns. And some of those twist and turns involve cancer. Some include friends and families. Trips and laughter. Love and memories. Sadness and hardship. But this is my life. I don't know a life without cancer so I can't tell you what that life looks like. But I can tell you that I know I live my life to the fullest. Sometimes probably a little to full =), but I have no regrets.

Soooooooooooo..... As the cliches go... Live your life as if there is no tomorrow. Love like you have nothing to lose. Have no damn regrets my peeps. Some may not be as lucky as my sweet friend. Some don't have my luck. Some have to live everyday with this awful disease. Some have to live every day without their loved ones. Some live in fear. I have no idea what this life will continue to bring my way. But I do know that whatever it is, I will be ok. Because I am living this life to the fullest.

I so enjoy being there for my peeps and hope that you all will continue to come my way to allow me to help you through this crazy life. We all have our shit. And big or small, it is all worth fighting for. And it makes me feel like my cancer journey has a purpose and a reason. Which on a bad day, gives me my fight. And on a good day, gives me even more strength. 

So hang on to this life. Have no regrets. Say I love you every fucking day. Be proud of yourself. Do you!

And know....Krissie is always here. Every step of the way. My only disclaimer is "What you see and hear, is exactly what you are going to get!" =)