"Live life for the moment because everything else is uncertain!"
I have spent the last couple of months finding what we like to call "the new normal". It hasn't been easy but I think we are all adjusting to the new normal and not complaining about it one bit. (well mostly).
When you come out of something as traumatic as what we went through, your entire view on life changes. And I must say that I have always had a pretty "live life to fullest" attitude due to 20 years of cancer, but I will admit that I have come out of this looking at life in a different way.
This surgery came with a risk that I don't think any of us were prepared for. Not that every surgery doesn't come with some type of risk but this one in particular came with a risk of death. So much so that Ryan and I had to have "the talk". And "the talk" was not about sex I can tell you that. =) It was more about quality of life and what we both felt comfortable with. Not that there is anything comfortable about asking your husband to pull the plug if things turn in a direction that doesn't look so good. A horrible and shitty conversation to have and one that I am actually shocked we have never had before but it is a conversation that neither one of us really thought we had to have. I am sure we both had the conversation in our own heads and had thoughts about it but never was there a conversation between us like that before. And I will tell you that we both walked away from that conversation emotionally exhausted. But we had to prepare ourselves for what could happen to the best we could. And I will admit we came out of not only that conversation but this entire ordeal stronger then ever.
I remember waking up after surgery (YEH) and having a wave of emotion that was so amazing that it is even hard to put into words. It was like a "I FUCKING MADE IT" emotion and it felt amazing. Now it didn't last long and the joy quickly turned into darkness in record time but for those few moments, I was filled with hope. A hope that I lost shortly after that due to complications that spiraled so quickly that instead of feeling hope for a new life, I felt a fear that I would not survive. That is a scary moment to have. A moment that is still extremely hard for me to talk but I know is so important to confront.
You see, when you start to believe you can not do something or you can not survive something, I believe that that is worse then your body failing. You have to believe you can beat something in order to win. If just your body is fighting (which mine was not doing either but that's not my point) and your mind and heart aren't, I do not believe you will win the battle. I was so emotionally tired and emotionally spent and so much was going wrong that my body just shut down. It gave up. I gave up. Thank God I had people around me that fought for me when I couldn't find the strength. And eventually, my strength started to come back. Slowly! Much slower then anyone of us liked but the fact that it was coming back was good enough for all of us.
My body has recovered to what I believe is the new normal and I am not complaining at all. It is so much better then what it was before that when I have discomfort and pain, I can't even complain about it because I will take it over what it was. My heart and mind are recovering as well. I believe that will take longer then the body for sure but that is ok. There is no time limit on recovery and I know in time the dark cloud that tried to take over my soul in May, will completely be filled in with sunshine.
So for now, I am living life. I am taking everything in. I am making memories and not living in fear. When we told our kids that cancer was found and that they got it all and that I was in remission, my son(19) asked "so does that mean it is gone forever?" and all we could tell him was that what we know today is that I am ok and that the cancer is gone. That there is no guarantee but that we are not going to live in fear. Instead we are going to take advantage of this amazing gift we have been given and live life to the fullest. It is all we can do. Now it's not to say that I don't have fear, believe me I do but that is an entirely different blog=), but I will not let the fear take over my hope. A hope that when I lost it was the worst feeling ever and something I never want to feel again. A hope that pulled through for me, even when I lost it. I believe in the power of hope. I struggle with many beliefs but hope is something I will forever believe in and hold onto.
So in a world where I truly believe we all need a little hope, I share mine with each and everyone of you. I have to believe that all I have been through is for a reason. I have to believe that me sharing my strength and my weaknesses will help someone who is struggling right now. This is not an easy battle. It can feel fucking impossible at times but it can also be rewarding. And if you need me to give you hope, I am always here to share it with you.
I thank each and everyone who has helped heal not only my body but my heart and soul over these past few months. Thank you for treating me as Krissie and not "cancer girl'. Thank you for making me smile through the tears. Holding my hand to make me feel loved. Being patient with me as I find the new normal and thank you for giving me the strength to never give up.
Smile today..... because I am sending you all hope and strength!
This surgery came with a risk that I don't think any of us were prepared for. Not that every surgery doesn't come with some type of risk but this one in particular came with a risk of death. So much so that Ryan and I had to have "the talk". And "the talk" was not about sex I can tell you that. =) It was more about quality of life and what we both felt comfortable with. Not that there is anything comfortable about asking your husband to pull the plug if things turn in a direction that doesn't look so good. A horrible and shitty conversation to have and one that I am actually shocked we have never had before but it is a conversation that neither one of us really thought we had to have. I am sure we both had the conversation in our own heads and had thoughts about it but never was there a conversation between us like that before. And I will tell you that we both walked away from that conversation emotionally exhausted. But we had to prepare ourselves for what could happen to the best we could. And I will admit we came out of not only that conversation but this entire ordeal stronger then ever.
I remember waking up after surgery (YEH) and having a wave of emotion that was so amazing that it is even hard to put into words. It was like a "I FUCKING MADE IT" emotion and it felt amazing. Now it didn't last long and the joy quickly turned into darkness in record time but for those few moments, I was filled with hope. A hope that I lost shortly after that due to complications that spiraled so quickly that instead of feeling hope for a new life, I felt a fear that I would not survive. That is a scary moment to have. A moment that is still extremely hard for me to talk but I know is so important to confront.
You see, when you start to believe you can not do something or you can not survive something, I believe that that is worse then your body failing. You have to believe you can beat something in order to win. If just your body is fighting (which mine was not doing either but that's not my point) and your mind and heart aren't, I do not believe you will win the battle. I was so emotionally tired and emotionally spent and so much was going wrong that my body just shut down. It gave up. I gave up. Thank God I had people around me that fought for me when I couldn't find the strength. And eventually, my strength started to come back. Slowly! Much slower then anyone of us liked but the fact that it was coming back was good enough for all of us.
My body has recovered to what I believe is the new normal and I am not complaining at all. It is so much better then what it was before that when I have discomfort and pain, I can't even complain about it because I will take it over what it was. My heart and mind are recovering as well. I believe that will take longer then the body for sure but that is ok. There is no time limit on recovery and I know in time the dark cloud that tried to take over my soul in May, will completely be filled in with sunshine.
So for now, I am living life. I am taking everything in. I am making memories and not living in fear. When we told our kids that cancer was found and that they got it all and that I was in remission, my son(19) asked "so does that mean it is gone forever?" and all we could tell him was that what we know today is that I am ok and that the cancer is gone. That there is no guarantee but that we are not going to live in fear. Instead we are going to take advantage of this amazing gift we have been given and live life to the fullest. It is all we can do. Now it's not to say that I don't have fear, believe me I do but that is an entirely different blog=), but I will not let the fear take over my hope. A hope that when I lost it was the worst feeling ever and something I never want to feel again. A hope that pulled through for me, even when I lost it. I believe in the power of hope. I struggle with many beliefs but hope is something I will forever believe in and hold onto.
So in a world where I truly believe we all need a little hope, I share mine with each and everyone of you. I have to believe that all I have been through is for a reason. I have to believe that me sharing my strength and my weaknesses will help someone who is struggling right now. This is not an easy battle. It can feel fucking impossible at times but it can also be rewarding. And if you need me to give you hope, I am always here to share it with you.
I thank each and everyone who has helped heal not only my body but my heart and soul over these past few months. Thank you for treating me as Krissie and not "cancer girl'. Thank you for making me smile through the tears. Holding my hand to make me feel loved. Being patient with me as I find the new normal and thank you for giving me the strength to never give up.
Smile today..... because I am sending you all hope and strength!
