"Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had...and dealing with fears you didn't know existed."
Some days it just all hits you....
I got into the passenger seat of my car as Cameron got into the driver seat and all of sudden it hit me. Not only is Cameron old enough to drive (which is enough to shock you) but Cameron is also the age I was when I was first diagnosed with cancer for the first time. Talk about taking a second to catch your breath. It felt like I was going to pass out. A million things started to rush my mind so I took a deep breath, buckled my seat belt and I said a little prayer( I may have even said a little extra prayer for our safety as well).
Having a teenager makes you think back to when you yourself was a teenager. The world revolved around you or so you thought, and your biggest concern was what you were going to do on Friday night. Well and of course what you were going to wear (at least for us girls). So when you are hit with something as big as cancer at 15, you don't even know how to process it. I know I didn't. And I think I probably to this day, still struggle with how to process it all.
When I look back at that time, some of it is complete blur to me. There are things I don't remember and that's probably my mind being kind to me. While other things I can remember as if they happened just a minute ago.
One thing that stands out most to me is Fear. And fear not in me( tho I was scared shit less) but the fear I saw in those around me. The fear that they were trying to hide from me so that I would stay strong. The fear of the unknown. The fear of cancer. A fear I didn't get then because I was more afraid and pissed that I wasn't going to have a belly button then I was that this could kill me. Because at 15 how does one even exist without a belly button =)! How silly that is to me now but a pretty big deal to me then. And you will be happy to know that I have a belly button. It may be a little higher up and look a little different then others, but its a belly button. =)
The fear in those around me was something I couldn't understand at the time. 20 years ago when you said the word "cancer", it was thought more as a death sentence then anything. Add having a rare form of cancer that only a few people have survived in the US and the odds quickly start fading for you. So I can completely understand the fear now. And I thank God that I couldn't understand it then because I am not sure at 15 I could handle it. I am grateful and amazed at the loved ones around me that handled it with such ease. I only hope I would have been able to do the same thing had I been in their shoes.
That time in my life prepared me for things I never saw coming or even thought possible. But I wouldn't change a thing.
So I may not fully be able to grasp the fear that so many experienced 20 years ago, I do have a fear now that I didn't fully grasp until I sat in that passenger seat. Now that's not to say I have not had fears for the last 15 years but they just became a little more real in that moment. And its a fear that so many have. A fear that suffocates you every time your child tells you that their stomach hurts. A fear that makes you push yourself to levels you never would before. A fear that gives you nightmares. A fear that makes you STOP and really smell each and every rose along the way. A fear that makes you take nothing for granted. A fear that you must be stronger then so that it does not consume you. A fear that motivates you to fight like hell so that not only your family will never go through this again but that NO family ever will.
So I try to not live in fear everyday that my children will inherit my genes (at least not the bad ones) and I take a stomach ache as just that.... a stomach ache. And I do the only thing I know how to do. Live everyday to the fullest and to never give up hope!
"Fearlessness may be a gift but perhaps more precious is the courage....that comes from cultivating the habit of refusing to let fear dictate one's actions."
