Being tested!

I haven't posted any blogs lately.  A friend mentioned my blog to me yesterday and so I thought maybe it was time to write one.

I have had a dark cloud over myself the past few weeks so I was trying to not rain on everyone else. But I am hoping the clouds are parting and that the sun is peaking through. At least its trying. 

The past few weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life. I have been tested in more ways then I knew possible. Our family moved from Illinios to Virginia.

Ryan will be starting his own nonprofit and it was key to be near DC in order to make it work. But until his replacement is found and his nonprofit is up and running, he is living in Illinios while the kids and I are in Virginia. 

Our house sold very quickly and we needed to be out of the house sooner then we would have liked. Blessing in disguise is what I keep saying. It's great that it sold but a little more time would have been nice. We needed to move quick and we had many decisions to make. First was where we would live. 

We didn't want to move twice and wanted the kids to get adjusted as soon as they could. So we decided to move to virginia while Ryan finished up there. A decision that I still struggle with everyday. 

When you are in the hustle and bustle of packing up your house that you lived in for the past 8 yrs and trying to find a new one, you are blinded by reality in a way. You are so busy with everything that needs to be done that you don't really have time to feel in your heart what is happening. But then when all the boxes are finally unpacked and you have a second to breathe, you are left with the reality of being in a new state, alone with your kids , living apart from your husband. 

When you are making a decision like this you go through every scenerio in your head you can think of. You try and look at everything that could wrong  but at the same time you don't live with the "what ifs". If I lived my life in the " what ifs" I would never live. So you convince yourself to jump off the cliff and enjoy the adventure that is ahead of you. 

Of course things never really go as you plan. Where would the fun be in that. 

Now I know I am a strong person. I have had to be in my life. I don't run from fear. I jump in without a life vest and hope that I can swim to shore. There have been times in the past few weeks that I have felt that I am drowning and there is no coming up for air. But something pulls me up to the surface and makes me keep swimming. My kids have definetly been my life raft. Even though at times I know they have probably wanted to dunk me they have not given up on me.

Nothing is harder then seeing your children struggle. You can do anything you want to me. I may not like it and I may hurt but I will survive. But you are not allowed to touch my children. Seeing them go through this process has been the hardest apart. And since its all on me because Ryan is there and I am here, there is no time to for a break. When they have a bad day it's on me to make it better and when I can't, it's heart breaking. 

On the plus side of that, we have learned to lean on each other in a way I didn't know possible. It may not always be said in words but it is by actions. I hope that some day they will realize what this time with them meant to me. Without them, I do not think I would be surviving this.

My marriage is being tested too. Ryan and I have a relationship that has seen many ups and many downs. We have conquered life together when we didn't think it would be possible. We have been apart before but not since I was pregnant with Cameron have we lived apart this long. We are trying to hold onto each other the best we can but I will admit its been hard. He can only do so much from there for me and I am pretty drained from being on my own that there is not much left at the end of the day. It's not the best situation but if there is one thing we do know for sure its that the love we have for each other can get us through anything!

We have left behind so many important people who have been apart of our life and have gotten us through so much of our lives. It has been hard to not have the people who have supported me and held my hand so close to me but I do feel so much love and support from a distance.

I have never been one to take the easy road so I guess why would I start now. I am not 100% sure what the future holds but I do know that one day we will all look back at this time and smile about our crazy adventure and how amazing it was........ At least thats my hope!